My sister (32F) is getting married in about a year. The night after her fiancé proposed, they invited the family to dinner to share the news. Our parents, aunts, and some of his family including his parents and siblings were there.
During the dinner, my dad had a couple of beers and, while facing me, said in German, “I’ll call my daughters later they’ll like this news.”
Some context:
Before marrying my mom, my dad was married to a woman we’ll call Margaret. They had three daughters together. After their divorce, he married my mom and had my sister (32F) and me (25M). Margaret also remarried but didn’t have any more children.
There was a lot of drama after their divorce, much of which my parents told us about as we grew up. For example:
My mom once overheard Margaret telling her daughters that their dad would stop loving them once he had a son. Which was confirmed when our dad told us about the youngest daughter once had an emotional outburst toward him, saying, “You don’t love us like him.” when they were younger.
For years, they wouldn’t call or wish our dad a happy birthday or Father’s Day until about four years ago, when Margaret got divorced again and they started talking to us again.
When our grandfather was in the hospital, my sister reached out to them, and one of them replied, “That’s not our problem.”
The biggest moment was when the oldest daughter got married and had a child, which our dad was never told. We only found out because my sister saw wedding pictures on Facebook. Instead of asking our dad for her hand in marriage, her husband went to their stepdad.
Despite all this, my dad still helped them fixing their cars and answering their calls when they reached out. He didn’t initiate contact often because he wanted to respect their relationship with their stepdad, but he was still there when they needed him.
Going back to that dinner, my dad said he would call his daughters about the wedding. My sister said, “I’ll tell them.”
About a week later, my dad and I were out picking up materials when he got a call from the youngest daughter her car had broken down. We went to help, and while talking, he asked if my sister Ely had told her about the wedding. She said no. My dad looked at me, confused and upset, asking why Ely hadn’t said anything.
I looked at Caitlin (the youngest) and asked, “Why didn’t Vanessa (the oldest) tell Dad about her wedding or her two kids?” Caitlin claimed she had tried to tell Ely. I told her that Ely only found out by seeing pictures and asked why she didn’t tell Dad in the first place.
That sparked a heated argument. They said I was wrong to bring up the past. My dad told Ely to let it go, saying, “They’re your sisters.” Ely responded, “They’re your daughters. Why didn’t they ever come to their real father? All they had to do was call.” when they celebrated they never called my dad but when they needed help they would call him.
My dad asked me to take his side, but I told him no. I said: “They did this to you. Their mom blamed me just for existing. I’m standing by Ely’s decision not to invite them. They didn’t want us back then and I’m glad they’re talking to us again but they choose not to have us on there big day so Ely doesn’t want them on her big day.
Now, all three have blocked both of us on Facebook and Instagram. My dad is still disappointed that we won’t invite them. My mom even threw shots at him saying how Margaret treated him after the divorce.
For what it’s worth, Ely’s fiancé and his family understand our side. They’ve said they support Ely’s decision, as long as it doesn’t lead to drama at the wedding.
So reddit AITAH for agreeing with my sisters request
Comments
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Happy-Professor-6191:
My sister (32F) is getting married in about a year. The night after her fiancé proposed, they invited the family to dinner to share the news. Our parents, aunts, and some of his family including his parents and siblings were there.
During the dinner, my dad had a couple of beers and, while facing me, said in German, “I’ll call my daughters later they’ll like this news.”
Some context:
Before marrying my mom, my dad was married to a woman we’ll call Margaret. They had three daughters together. After their divorce, he married my mom and had my sister (32F) and me (25M). Margaret also remarried but didn’t have any more children.
There was a lot of drama after their divorce, much of which my parents told us about as we grew up. For example:
My mom once overheard Margaret telling her daughters that their dad would stop loving them once he had a son. Which was confirmed when our dad told us about the youngest daughter once had an emotional outburst toward him, saying, “You don’t love us like him.” when they were younger.
For years, they wouldn’t call or wish our dad a happy birthday or Father’s Day until about four years ago, when Margaret got divorced again and they started talking to us again.
When our grandfather was in the hospital, my sister reached out to them, and one of them replied, “That’s not our problem.”
The biggest moment was when the oldest daughter got married and had a child, which our dad was never told. We only found out because my sister saw wedding pictures on Facebook. Instead of asking our dad for her hand in marriage, her husband went to their stepdad.
Despite all this, my dad still helped them fixing their cars and answering their calls when they reached out. He didn’t initiate contact often because he wanted to respect their relationship with their stepdad, but he was still there when they needed him.
Going back to that dinner, my dad said he would call his daughters about the wedding. My sister said, “I’ll tell them.”
About a week later, my dad and I were out picking up materials when he got a call from the youngest daughter her car had broken down. We went to help, and while talking, he asked if my sister Ely had told her about the wedding. She said no. My dad looked at me, confused and upset, asking why Ely hadn’t said anything.
I looked at Caitlin (the youngest) and asked, “Why didn’t Vanessa (the oldest) tell Dad about her wedding or her two kids?” Caitlin claimed she had tried to tell Ely. I told her that Ely only found out by seeing pictures and asked why she didn’t tell Dad in the first place.
That sparked a heated argument. They said I was wrong to bring up the past. My dad told Ely to let it go, saying, “They’re your sisters.” Ely responded, “They’re your daughters. Why didn’t they ever come to their real father? All they had to do was call.” when they celebrated they never called my dad but when they needed help they would call him.
My dad asked me to take his side, but I told him no. I said: “They did this to you. Their mom blamed me just for existing. I’m standing by Ely’s decision not to invite them. They didn’t want us back then and I’m glad they’re talking to us again but they choose not to have us on there big day so Ely doesn’t want them on her big day.
Now, all three have blocked both of us on Facebook and Instagram. My dad is still disappointed that we won’t invite them. My mom even threw shots at him saying how Margaret treated him after the divorce.
For what it’s worth, Ely’s fiancé and his family understand our side. They’ve said they support Ely’s decision, as long as it doesn’t lead to drama at the wedding.
So reddit AITAH for agreeing with my sisters request
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Sorry the story isn’t adding up. It is a very one sided version and your dad should’ve fought for them in courts. If their mom took them away. Step father must have stepped up. That’s why he gets prioritized. Your dad failed and he wants to use you guys as a scapegoat.
This post is full of your dad, your side of family is full of angels and they are some demons. You aren’t obliged to invite them. NTA for that
But YTA for telling a half cooked story. All I see is a deadbeat father and privileged second family, who made sure older daughters never have a home with their father. Your father is most to blame. But I don’t buy your mom’s biased versions filled to you. Your dad failed them, no matter the excuses. Both sets of siblings have no bond and that’s ok.
NTA. They kept your dad and sister out of their lives for years, only calling when they needed something. If they didn’t include your family in their big moments, they can’t be mad about not being invited now. Actions have consequences.
NAH. Seems like their dad replaced them when he got his new family and the step dad stepped up. Your sister don’t owe them an invite and they don’t owe you a close relationship.
NTA for the non-invite, but this really all chalks up to the parents, not the siblings. A wedding is never the place to try to rekindle some sort of relationship, so I really don’t think your decision is inappropriate, but I would evaluate your perspective on your half siblings.
Put yourself in the position that your dad remarried after having you, had more kids, and the only narrative that was available for you was your mother‘s. I’m not saying the ex-wife was right, but your dad doesn’t seem to have done much to prove her wrong either. Relationships go two ways so I would really ask myself if I had looked at it from the other end as well.
I say this is somebody who has family drama of people fighting or not speaking to each other and that impacting the kids. Eventually, we kids got together and realized it was the parents who caused the problems on all fronts. We all still love our own parents, but we recognize that they attributed their own issues to relationships that weren’t theirs to manage because they had hurt each other. I’m not saying you have to have a relationship with them, but if you’re ever curious, and everyone can be civil, I’m sure that they would give you their perspectives/perceptions, and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle of all of it.
NTA
The primary relationship is between them and your father.
They clearly weren’t close, so no need to get indignant that he wasn’t asked permission to marry her. That relationship was bad enough that he didn’t know about his daughter’s wedding or birth of his grandchildren.
There was also no great relationship between the half-siblings. Why is your sister calling them about your sick grandfather and not their own father?
Sounds like dad dropped the original family pretty hard, but that’s on him.
He doesn’t get to use your sister’s wedding to spackle over the chasm he made.
YTA Your dad sounds like a deadbeat that abandoned his first children for a do over family and you sound very naive believing everything you’ve been told like you aren’t an adult now.
Updateme
Honestly even reading your posts I can tell your father wasn’t a good dad to them.
NTA for not wanting a relationship with them but come on. Start seeing your father for how he is.
Not ur monkey not ur drama. It’s ur sister’s wedding she can invite it not invite who she wants. There have parties events weddings that my family members have been invited to but I have not. I’m like oh well I put that wedding gift $ back in my pocket don’t need to get a new outfit..I can just stay home. If u all are not close with half sisters and don’t have a relationship who cares?
Listen, it’s your sister’s wedding so whatever she & her partner wants – everyone should just agree with because the wedding is about the couple and no one else
But, having grown up around untraditional households where half siblings are the norm, I will say this – your version of history is no where near what your older half-siblings lived through
Honestly, it sounds like your dad was a shit person with his first family and decided to grow up when he started his do-over family with your mom and since you were raised with a better version of your dad than his first kids got you are mad they are resentful that you all can’t figure out they are hurt – they are hurt that he didn’t love them enough to be a better dad for them – but he loved you enough to be better for you
Because hey, they still asked your dad to help fix their car so all the years of abandonment, neglect & hurt is wiped out with an oil change, right?
NTA. Literally, no one but the betrothed have any right to an opinion on who gets invited to a wedding. It isn’t like it’s just a Saturday barbecue. Every person invited costs the couple hundreds to thousands of dollars to include. Now if it is that important to your father I could imagine inviting them to a pre or post wedding get together other than the actual wedding, but no way I’d ever argue with any bride or bridegroom about a third party’s invitation, short of it being that I was invited but told my wife couldn’t be my +1
So they object to being treated the way they treated you and their dad. Do I have that right? NTA
Reading between the lines, it appears that your father replaced his first attempt at a family with yours. His first wife was resentful, and his lack of presence (did he try to get 50-50 on custody?) resulted in them not feeling close to your father. You, naturally hearing his side, felt it was somehow his other daughters’ fault.
Your sister can do what she wants, but I’m struck by the number of people on Reddit who are fairly callous toward step-siblings and step-parents. The callousness tends to lead to more drama even though most Reddit posters claim they aren’t the ones being dramatic.
In Matthew 5:39, it says, “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other also.” Like most people, I struggle with “turning the other cheek.” Pretty sure if someone slapped me literally, I wouldn’t offer the other one. But conceptually, it means that we should try to forgive and not retaliate even when we are wronged. Yet, people’s egos always get in the way. Until someone takes the first step at forgiveness over ego, resentments continue and create drama and sadness.
You are doing the right thing.
UpdateMe
You, your parents and sister are all the AHs. Your dad is a deadbeat dad who uses his daughter’s stepfather as a poor excuse to not be their dad. Your mom sounds like she just fuel the deadbeat dad fire.
Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine your dad left you 2 and your mom, got a new family and didn’t bother contacting you anymore because your mom got a new husband. That’s complete bullshit.
You don’t even call them your sisters even though they are. You’re just as much as an AH as your parents in my opinion. I hope they never talk to you guy’s again.
“They’re your daughters. Why didn’t they ever come to their real father? ” their “real father”
who apparently never initiated contact with them?
Yta. You’re taking out behaviors these sisters did when they were kids under the custody of their mother.
Whether it was alienation or actually true, they were children when this all happened and your dad clearly did nothing to make them think or feel differently. They grew to adults while your dad didn’t put in the effort to show them that what their mother supposedly said wasn’t true. THATS ON HIM! Perhaps he should’ve fought harder for custody of his own kids and not dropped the ball on them when he had you!
YOU WERENT ALIVE OR EVEN OLD ENOUGH to see first hand what actually happened or how your sisters were actually treated. This is probably why your dad helps them to this day DESPITE not being there for them growing up! If HE considers them his kids, it’s not your place to tell him otherwise. He knows what he did and didn’t do for his daughters.
While your sister is free to invite whomever she wishes, you two are holding grudges against people who were children when they were manipulated by BOTH their parents and your dad is doing his best now to be present in his adult daughters’ lives to make up for his failings as a father. It makes perfect sense that the man that did raise them was asked permission to marry them off and not your dad despite that tradition being outdated.
You don’t get to be mad and create boundaries FOR another grown ass adult. You don’t get to take part of the story and forget there were actual other people, CHILDREN, involved and make a whole narrative based on something you weren’t part of. You don’t get to give your dad a pass for not being present in his own kids’ lives due to his own choices and decisions- because your dad DID mess up with his other kids. Just because you got the good part doesn’t mean he didn’t have a bad or neglectful part before.
Updateme
“Their mom blamed me just for existing”
It sounds like your mom was an AP and you were the product of an affair. You are not to blame for this mess, and you should extend a little grace to the half siblings whose lives were upended by you mom and dad’s actions. NAH
They thought your Dad will stop loving them when he would have a male kid.
Well, you are not exhibiting too many of real men qualities I am afraid.
YTA
Did your Mom know your Dad before his divorce?
I am sure she did.
Do you understand the pain and suffering that your Mom and your Dad caused to that family?
It was your Mother’s duty as a human being to walk away.
You Dad did a horrible thing and he feels very guilty (to his credit)
You should let him handle HIS family the way that he sees fit. I am sorry to tell you but they ARE his family and clearly he cares about them A LOT (as he should)
The way you handled it you were horrible to these very hurt people and to your Dad.
Stay out of it and stop trying to be a hero.
You are becoming a joke to be honest if you reacted the way you did.
Apologize to your Dad. Apologize to these poor and wronged women. And try to get everybody to understand who is the wronged party here. In my book no 1 AH is your Mom No 2 is your Dad.
Your Mom is no 1 not only for her part in the divorce but for telling you stories about the suffering of the “bad” previous family. Your Mom must be very controlling and your Dad must have found himself in a terrible situation after the mistake he did.
I can’t imagine they want to come. They only call when they want something. This is all your dad’s fantasy.
I don’t know. Maybe they want to be asked. Doesn’t matter. Their mother ruined what could have been at least tolerable relationships
Why would you expect your grandfather to mean anything to them?
Why do you resent the normal reactions of kids after a divorce before you were born?
Why are you holding grudges about things that happened before you were born?
Women always bad mouth their kids dad after a divorce making sure they know everything he’s done wrong and who’s to blame.
They were forced into a new family environment whereas you had a stable family situation and its not fair to judge what they did about the wedding and babies in terms of how it is for you, as their dad wasn’t there for them as he is for you was he?
You can accept his rationalisation that he kept a distance for the step dad’s sake etc but that distance came with consequences that your your sister has never had to deal with, such as dad becoming a stranger for his own reasons, but while he might have made the stepdad feel better it was at the cost of estranging himself from his own kids, wonder how that felt for them.
I’m surprised they want to go as they seem to have more justification for not going than you have for stopping them.
YTA and your dad’s not far behind.
This isn’t your siblings fault. It’s the parents’. Their mother had her narrative, and your father didn’t reach out so as to respect their stepdad. He is their father, and didn’t reach out. That just confirmed everything their mother was saying. Right or wrong, imagine how they felt as kids.
You are blaming the wrong people, and punishing the wrong people. You think you are protecting your dad or something, but he really wants his kids to get along.
The wedding probably isn’t the place for a happy reunion, so NTA on the invite issue.
NTA. It’s Ely’s right to decide what she wants for her wedding. And if she doesn’t want them there, because of their behavior — which understandably doesn’t sound great at all — it’s her choice. And it’s more than ok to feel that way.
Your dad stance is partly understandable. Not from a logical point, but from the view of a parent. He still loves his daughters — your half sisters — and wants them to be part of her life. No matter, what they do or don’t do. He is not seeing it like they use him. And yeah, it’s not really their fault. Because Margaret made sure, that the relationship is bad by lying to them and manipulation. Tho, you never said, if your dad made any efforts to change their view or reached out a lot? It sounds he was more passive in their life. As he is now. Like he ‘respects’ the stepfather and is not really involved in their life.
Anyway, there is nothing to fix, when they don’t want to fix it. And clearly, they aren’t keen on having a good relationship with your family.
So, it is what it is. Updateme, if there is more to update.
nta