Hey y’all, attaching previous post here for context
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/cDknD6WvNa.
I’m 13 weeks now and hubby and I have been wanting to announce to his family but waited because his parents are on a cruise. The idea was when they’re back we tell them were pregnant, for the rest of his family I would like to announce with him but for his parents I honestly don’t want to talk to them, at all. We’ve gone a bit back and forth and it really seems like it’s equally bad if we both tell them and me not being there or he tells alone. I have not made up my mind on what I want. On one hand yes I don’t wanna talk to them on the other I don’t want to be the one putting obstacles or “causing drama”.
And that’s just issue number 1. Issue no2 is while we thought his parents are on the cruise we could do a gender reveal party and invite his brothers. Well turns out DH was wrong and his parents will be back before the party date and his brother asked if we would tell them because he still lives with them and he would just have to say. So. Ofc I don’t want them here, I don’t want to invite them but how do we announce the pregnancy and a party and say you’re not invited though. Without “pushing” them away. Help pls.
Edited for typo š
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I would suggest telling them via face time/video call or something, but do it jointly so they are informed, you & hubs are united, but you can hang up when you want.
For the party do you have someone else who can help host and plan it? Ie sister, best friend, some one you are close to but is kind of out of arms reach for mil? Would they mind being the human buffer/meat shield ? They can handle invites ect and if mil says something you can direct them to friendā¦ its kind of cowardly but you donāt need stress over pregnancy. She can say oh I thought you would be in the cruise, so sorry.
Other option is increase the party size to so huge- the point that mil wont get much more than a wave and āso glad you cameā because thereās 30 aunts and uncles and 57 friends and cousins.
Another is discuss with hubby if you do a smaller reveal with his parents or something after the main party so they canāt ruin the surprise for anyone else.
Either way pregnancy with a just no is awful, and unfortunately rarely are these things an easy solve.
First: CONGRATULATIONS!!! Itās so wonderful that youāre expecting after such a difficult journey.
I could only get through half of your previous post before I got a little sick to my stomach & felt that I knew enough about your in-laws.
Iāve (fortunately) never been in this situation, but my momās parents were shit people.Ā
They were allowed to send birthday/Christmas cards (my babcia always spelled my name wrong because she thought it was the better way to spell it), and I met them briefly when we were in their city for my dadās family reunion, but they werenāt allowed in my life.
I was sad that I didnāt know my other grandparents because my paternal grandparents were so bomb. Then I met my babcia as an adult (grandfather had already died). On the way back to the hotel, I thanked my mom for keeping her away from me during my formative years. Her shittiness was funny at 28, but would have been devastating as a kid.
Push them away. Iām so grateful that my mom pushed her parents away.Ā
Ask your husband to look forward 30 years. Will your kid be grateful that they knew their grandparents, even though it was always tense & they said some hateful & confusing thingsā¦ or will they be grateful that yāall shielded them from that?
I feel for your dilemma. It is impossible for BIL to attend without them knowing. And you should take pride and delight in making all announcements with DH.Ā
Iām going to suggest telling them together, with delight and an expectation of family happiness. Keep it in your back pocket if they are less than delighted.Ā
If so, DH then can tell them later about the gender reveal but state calmly, āif you donāt want to share our happiness, weāll understand if youāre busy that day.ā
Actually inviting them if they act right as you share your news is a courtesy to BIL, if nothing else.Ā
Why is it on you to not be an obstacle or cause drama? If they don’t treat you with dignity and respect, the consequence of their actions is you not wanting anything to do with them. Let hubby tell them however he wants but you don’t need to be involved until he can set boundaries with them WITH CONSEQUENCES.Ā
I would start focusing on what you NEED from your husband in order to feel safe and supported bringing a child into this world. Set boundaries with him about how you’re willing or not willing yourself or your child to be treated by his family. His parents can’t disrespect you and expect to be entitled to your child.Ā
What apologizes do you need and limitations do you expect for their involvement in your family life? How often do you intend to see them with your child if you had things your way?Ā
They’re awful to you, your child doesn’t need to witness that or be falsely lead into thinking that’s are safe people when you know what they’re capable ofĀ
I just read your post history and Iām so sorry that you had do deal with those assholes. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Honestly you shouldnāt even feel awkward about not inviting them, they know where they stand and they would bring nothing but negativity. Youāre not causing drama by not inviting them at all.
Why canāt your husband just casually mention you are pregnant like itās NBD?