My boyfriend John(34)was with Emily(34)for 15 years they dated really young at 15 I meet John 2 years after they split up. I just found out today that she is living rent free at one of the properties his family owns. I told him I don’t feel comfortable that he still pays everything for her. I already have to see her at family gatherings and I always feel left out.He told me I need to mind my own business and not get involved that she is family. Now would I be the asshole if I talk to his parents about it or my future sister in law.
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My boyfriend John(34)was with Emily(34)for 15 years they dated really young at 15 I meet John 2 years after they split up. I just found out today that she is living rent free at one of the properties his family owns. I told him I don’t feel comfortable that he still pays everything for her. I already have to see her at family gatherings and I always feel left out.He told me I need to mind my own business and not get involved that she is family. Now would I be the asshole if I talk to his parents about it or my future sister in law.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got into a argument about money and I might tell his parents and sister in law if he can’t come to reason
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Does he pay for Emily’s utility bills or any other expenses? Or is his family just giving Emily a place to stay?
NTA
Do they have any children together? I’m assuming no since you didn’t mention it. That would be the only legitimate reason for him to justify this.
This IS your business and it is NOT a good sign.
If he’s not even willing to have a conversation about it and just tells you to mind your own business, there’s going to be a lot of communication barriers down the road.
Is he actually paying her bills or is his family allowing her to stay at one of their properties? How long have you been dating?
After such a long relationship and he didn’t commit to her – he probably feels guilty for wasting her time or whatever.
If his support isn’t over top why bother. Shes probably mire like a sister now
I don’t think there’s any need to ask his parents or take this further. You already got your answer from him. Now it’s up to you how you go forward with this relationship.
YWBTA if you go behind him and speak to his family. It’s weird that he is still so involved with his ex however he seems to come with this baggage if you want to be with him. Either deal with the red flag or move on. Just think long and hard of future situations and consequences if you did stay with him. Is this the married life you want?
NTA. WTF???
Yes because you forgot to mention that his Ex is also his cousin.
You do realize you’re his second girlfriend, right?
Youre still with this dude?!
This sounds like some weird rich people shit. Is his family like rich rich?
Either way NTA. He owes you a discussion about it at the very least. Mind your own business? That’s just rude.
Maybe he owes her for common law alimony??
Why is she at family gatherings?
YTA
You really think you should go “over his head” and talk to his family about how they choose to use their properties? Why does what you want matter more than the 15 years of history she has with his family?
It’s none of your business
From the sound of it, you aren’t married to him or engaged. But even if you are engaged, no, you should not go talk to his parents. He has already told you that it is none of your business. You need to accept that, or move on. Whatever his continuing connection is to her, you can’t change it. This is not about whether or not you are an AH. It is about accepting reality.
I will say that it is weird but is he actually paying for anything else? It’s rude and kinda a red flag that he said to mind your own business when it’s regarding an ex and saying she’s family and entitled to be around, I definitely wouldn’t like that though they were together for a very long time, honestly if it were me I wouldn’t even be dating a guy who was in a 15 year long relationship especially if they’re still in contact but that’s me and it also doesn’t necessarily mean there’s still anything between them I just can’t imagine that after 15 years everything would be strictly 100% friendly. I wouldn’t say to talk to his family behind his back, talk to him and express your concern and if he doesnt take it into consideration then he might not be the one, she might have been around a long time but they aren’t together anymore and he shouldn’t give her more respect and disrespect your feelings in the process
YWBTA
He’s made it clear that this is nunya. If you can’t accept that (and I don’t see why you should), you need to walk away.
Is that his ex wife? 15 years, even if they weren’t married, they sounded to be common law married. If applicable. I don’t think it’s your business, how long have y’all been together? Until y’all are engaged/wedded it’s not your call I fear. You don’t have to be comfortable with that situation, you can leave. But if he’s a grown man with a greater history to this woman that earned her a place of respect and priority regardless of romantic entanglement, then that sounds bigger than you… to me. Outside looking in, minimal detail. Idk though.
Yeah you would be the a$$hole if you talk with his parents. It’s apparent to everyone but you that the ex isn’t going anywhere. Technically you are the outsider best thing for you to do is cut your losses and thank the good Lord that you guys haven’t married yet, because either he’s just being a supporting “friend/family)or he’s waiting on her to give the word that she wants him back and you will be dumped
NAH – Editted for new infro
YTA. You are fine to be uncomfortable with him financially supporting his ex. If the two of you are planning a future together, it is absolutely your business. But you complaining to his family is crossing a line.
His parents and sister should not have a say in how he spends his money. So you telling them makes you come across as petty and like you’re trying to stir up shit. Whether they already know or not or would be on your side or not, you discussing John’s finances with his family would be an asshole move.
If you do want to try to make this relationship work, you should have another talk with John. Talk to him about your future together, ask him what he envisions his relationship with and financial support of his ex will look like long-term, and express your concerns. It’s not meant to be an argument. It’s meant to be a discussion. Then you sit with the results of that discussion and decide what you will do. You can leave if the situation is unacceptable to you. But you can’t control the decisions and actions of John or his family.
You are the ahole for staying with him after he told you that… let alone talking to his family about it. You’ll look really stupid and get your feelings hurt if you do.
Ok, I have no idea what is really going on here, and I’m not sure I want to, but it does sound long term and entrenched.
I do think if that’s the case, you need to think of this as a compatibility issue.
Do you want to be involved with someone who has long term commitments and responsibilities towards his ex? The question is that simple because that is what he has chosen and your expectations that he change it are unrealistic.
Date who he is, not who you wish he could be. Or in your case, who you think you can fight him to become.
YTA – or more accurately, you are a bit foolish.
Future sister-in-law? You don’t say fiancé, just boyfriend.
Here’s the thing, his entire family loves Emily. You are not going to not see her. She will always be there. Talking to the parents or “future sister-in-law” isn’t going to stop this. They are all friends.
You’re going to have to come to terms with this. If you don’t, break up and find someone else.
Question: why do you want to marry someone who is disregarding your concerns and is blatantly telling you his ex is “family”?
ESH. He can help her if he wants to but he doesn’t seem to care how much this concerns you.
Your boyfriend has a girlfriend that’s definitely not you.
YWBTA it does seem a little funny, but if his parents are rich enough to give someone a rent free place i think just be happy this girl is doing well, and live your life with your boyfriend
Clearly his family made the choice to allow her to live at their property so he’s not paying for her living expenses. Him telling you to mind your own business I don’t agree with, you have the right to question his about that attitude ask him to be clear with his intention with you, and that he needs to give you your place. Why does he still have contact with her? Maybe you’ll understand when he explains, because he should do that. His family owes you no explanations as that’s a relationship they developed and kept after the breakup, you’re in a relationship with him not his parents or sister. They’re not your in-laws yet if at all , you’re overstepping. Depending on how your conversation with him goes you may need to rethink how serious you two are. Best of luck. Find your peace
Yta.
You’ve discussed your issues and received your answer. Mind your own business. If you dont like the situation and he isnt willing to change it then you leave. Thats the option. Not go crying to his parents and try to force things to go your way. Accept it. Or leave
‘future sister in law?’ I heard nothing about an engagement.
This is a tough question for sure. If she is at the property the family owns you have zero say in it.
INFO: How long have the two of you been together?
If you say more then he might breakup with you. Have you asked her why she is living off the family? Ask if she doesn’t feel guilty or like a mooch?
I just want to see the reaction as I think of you ask her or the other family member that the relationship would be over as might as well go out with a bang lol
If they have kids then YTA. If they do not have kids then I get being concerned but with yall not being married or if you aren’t serious enough to have combined bank accounts then it’s really his decision.
You’re NTA for expressing your feelings to him but you need to either let this go and accept the situation or let him go. He’s told you she’s family so going over his head to his family because you don’t like the fact that he’s told you it’s not changing would make Y T A
Its apparent from the fact that you see her at family gatherings and shes living in one of the properties his family owns that shes important to the rest of them too, not just your bf. I understand not feeling good about it, but yta for wanting to escalate it further. Also, you should add that shes gay into your original post.
I can’t possibly imagine involving my SO’s parents in something my SO told me to mind my business about. That’s just going to stir a bunch of useless drama and not actually solve anything.
If she’s family to him, and you don’t like it, your opinions are to get over it or break up. He’s not going to ditch his chosen family because you’re insecure about them.
NTA for telling him how you feel, but 100% would be an asshole if you want and talked to his family about it and kept pushing about it.
He has told you where this whole situation stands and to stay out of it. Your choice here is whether you can accept this and stay with him, or if this is too much and you break up.
In what world do you think talking to his parents, who are housing this woman, and saying you’re uncomfortable is a good idea?
She came out as gay while dating their son and they are still housing her.
You think they’re going to change that because a girlfriend is uncomfortable? You have a hell of an ego.
You were given an answer. You would be a HUGE asshole if you decided his answer wasn’t good enough and started pestering his family, it would likely make you look incredibly foolish and piss him off to no end.
She’s gay. Get over it.
Does he have kids with her?
You absolutely dont talk to anyone but him about this. And you have your answer. If you can’t live with it, then leave.
If he has kids with her, it makes a lot of sense!
If he doesn’t have kids with her, then it is a bit strange, and I would want to know if there is an end in sight and why he does it as it would make me uncomfortable.
YTA
NTA but definitely crazy if you think you have a say in the situation. You can’t dictate what other people do. If you don’t like the situation walk away. No one is forcing you to stay.
Unless you have a ring on your finger no one in that family is your future in law yet. You’re still just a girlfriend. The property sounds like it’s family owned. It’s not your business. If her presence bothers you then maybe this isn’t the family you should be considering a future with.
What do you expect his family to do?
Info: How long have yall been dating?
Op your the side chick
INFO: Do they have kids together? Because it totally makes sense that he would want to take care of the mother of his children financially.
It’s been 2 years, your post doesn’t say how old you are, but perhaps cut your losses and run? Thing is, Emily has been in his for 17 formative years. She will always be with you guys. If you can’t accept this, you need to leave now. I’ve been married nearly 20 years and I don’t really have female friends. My wife doesn’t really have male friends. We are just friendly acquaintances to the opposite sex spouses. Most successful marriages that I know follow this. Like Harry said, “men and women can never truly just be friends.” The sex thing always gets in the way.
YTA if you talk to others about it. They have nothing to do with it and it’s none of their business.
This is between you and John. Frankly, it sounds like that relationship hasn’t fully ended and he hasn’t really completely moved on.
But that doesn’t mean you go running to his mommy and daddy.
YTA. You’re not his wife. He can spend his money how he wants. If he wants to let her stay in a property for free it shouldn’t matter to you bc the money that would be made from that property wouldn’t be yours anyway.
ESH. Him for telling you to mind your own business instead of having an open conversation about it, and you for thinking of talking to his parents about it.
They were together for 15 years. His family felt like she was part of the family. They didn’t get married, but it sounds like the family volunteered to give her a type of alimony. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was mostly his parents’ idea, even though your bf is the one running the business now. If his family is wealthy and there is no animosity between him and her, I don’t think this is the craziest situation.
It’s also okay if you aren’t okay with it, but it’s only between you and your bf, not the parents. Talk to him, and if this is a deal breaker for you you would not be TA if you left.
At least he’s a boyfriend and not a husband? 🤷🏽♀️
NTA for telling him you’re uncomfortable with this situation. Of course you should bring up your concerns. But sadly, it seems he’s made it clear that he doesn’t care about your concerns…
I’m not gonna say whether or not you should talk to his parents. But he’s a grown man, and keep in mind, he doesn’t have to listen to them.
It’s very suspicious, tho. I would understand if they’re still friends… but paying for her and her showing up to family gatherings is imo very strange.
NTA. Exes should be just that. Exes.
But it would be best to leave him if you cannot stomach it because his family seems to be taking her side over you. It is painful.
Girl!!! Leave him!! He’s more loyal to her than you
It’s weird that she’s still in his life that way but maybe he’s right. It’s a family thing.
And he already gave you an answer.
YWBTA
YTA, your his girlfriend, not his wife. You dont have a say over his finances or how he spends his money.
How about it’s none of your business?
You’re the girlfriend.
That’s it.
YTA.
YTA for staying in a situation where you’re completely uncomfortable and trying to assert control over something that has nothing to do with you (ex’s housing). Going to his parents and sister will not work out for you. Even if it does, they’d be incredibly cruel for making someone they’ve known and loved for 15+ years homeless at the whim of a relatively new girlfriend. Why would you want to marry into that type of family?
Why would you talk to his family about this. YWBTA. If you don’t like it, then end the relationship.
Do you pool your money? Have a joint bank account?
He told you how he feels. You leave it alone or you break up. You don’t discuss it with his family
Info: how old are you? we have their ages, but not yours
What happens after you “tell his parents” or “future SIL”? He’s a 34 year old man, he doesn’t answer to them. He doesn’t even answer to you.
He said no, and that’s final. You either accept it or you move on to someone else.
You wouldn’t even be an asshole, you’d just be annoying.
YTA.
Yiiikes, I would honestly dump him. The way he talks to you plus the BS with his “ex” is a no-go. What are you doing? 💀
Oh babe, they’re still together. Just move on with your life.
I don’t think that you should speak to his family.
You’ve had a response from your bf on the matter, now you have a choice of either accepting that answer and living with things as they are now, or you reject his response and find yourself another partner.
YTA
How does this actually hurt you in any way?
It’s not your business how he spends his money, as long as he takes care of his finances appropriately. If you suspected he was cheating on you that would be a different issue, but that’s not it. This is your issue, not his.
Maybe Ex had a troubled childhood and this was a second family to her and they are protective of her. Sounds like you don’t know. Get to know her, it might help you come to accept her
It will not end well for you if you drag his family into this. She’s at family functions? She’s family and you will be ousted if you make a big deal out of this. You said in the comments that her treats you well and that she is gay…so there’s no thoughts of him being unfaithful or even that she’s interested in him. You simply have to decide if you can deal with their arrangements. It’s ok to have told him how you felt, it’s not ok to go above his head and cause a stir.
Do not talk to his parents what are you 12? He gave you his answer. He’s taking care of her and he will not entertain discussion. Deal with it or break up
yta, you say in a comment they broke up because she is gay, and that he let her keep the car when they split, and that he lives in a property thats part of the family business, why on earth is any of this an issue?
there’s no chance of them ever getting back together, and why shouldn’t he let her keep the car or live in one of their properties? either get over it or break up definitely ta
nothing you say is going to stop her being at family events, you get no say over that and if you tell them you don’t want her there they are just going to hate you, if you want a relationship with his mom too then grow a backbone and ask her if you can hang out. don’t mention the ex. just simply say youd like to hang out one on one with her.
you’re jealous over nothing, its not weird, you say his exes mom also used to work with the family so they have more ties than just being exes too, either get over it or leave
Info: Just out of curiosity, what would you say to the parents? Remember you are not married.
YTA – sound like you are jealous of her, that she is super tight with the family and that they all see her as family. If you bring it up with the others you are likely to alienate them.
You shouldn’t talk to his parent, but I agree it’s pretty weird, I wouldn’t like it either
NAH, if they wanna let her live rent-free. Then so be it, that’s their choice. Not sure why, but everyone has their reasons. It’s also okay for you to bring it up and explain why you don’t like it.
YWBTA
He’s made it clear that she’s considered part of his family, and she’s clearly dependent on them. You offer basically no info on why this is the case, but you’re also asking if you should call his mommy and demand she be kicked out and cut off?
You can try, of course.. But I seriously doubt it will make a difference. And, I mean, do you really want to be the person making such a demand? I wouldn’t.
If you’re not okay with the situation as it is, remove yourself from it.
YTA. Shes family to them. Just because hes no longer with her doesnt wipe out memories, loyalty and how his family feels about her. You need to get past your insecurity and trust, otherwise end it and move on.
You didn’t say what your age is.
You need to think this through. If you were to run around behind his back to his parents, what do you think his reaction is going be when he finds out? Hint:
He isn’t going to be thrilled and will likely break up with you for the overstep.
If she comes to family gatherings, you realize that his family has chosen to accept her into its fold. It isn’t just him viewing her as part of the group. They have a 15 year relationship with her. They’ve known you two years. Do you honestly think they’re going throw her out because you’re uncomfortable and insecure with her present? 🤔
YWBTA. As it really isn’t any of your business.