Okay. I need to get this off my chest. I don’t even know if I’m being petty or if I’m completely justified, but I feel so judged in my own marriage and it’s not even by my husband. So, here’s what’s been happening. Every morning, I wake up early. I cook my husband’s lunch, prep it, pack it, and make sure it’s good to go. I do it with love. Not out of obligation, but because I want to. It makes me feel connected to him even when he’s gone all day. That little box of food? That’s my way of saying, “I got you.” But his sister oh my God she always has something to say. Every time she sees the lunch, she makes a face or drops some snarky comment. “Why are you packing that again? He doesn’t even like veggies.” “Wow, you’re still doing this? You sure he appreciates it?” “Looks dry. Hope he doesn’t throw it away.” And it’s not just once or twice. It’s every damn day. Like she’s on a mission to make me feel stupid for trying. At first, I ignored it. I thought maybe she was just being playful or whatever. But it didn’t stop. It got worse. She even told my husband in front of me, “You should just eat out like a normal guy. Why do you let her baby you like that?” That one hit me hard. I didn’t even know how to react. I was embarrassed and pissed at the same time.
And my husband? He just laughed it off like it was nothing. So yesterday I snapped. I told her, plain and simple, “Can you just stop commenting on what I pack for my husband? It’s none of your business. I’m not forcing you to eat it, and you’re not the one I’m married to.” She stared at me like I slapped her. Then she turned it around, acting all hurt, saying I was being dramatic and disrespectful in her house (we’re staying with his family temporarily while we save up for our own place bad idea, I know). Now she’s got his mom and cousin whispering about how I “overreacted” and how I “should’ve just let it go.” But seriously… how long am I supposed to keep letting her criticize something that has zero to do with her? I’m tired of biting my tongue. I feel like I’m always the one being told to stay quiet to keep the peace, while she gets to say whatever she wants. And honestly, I’m starting to feel like no matter what I do, someone in this family finds a way to twist it against me. So yeah. I spoke up. I stood my ground. But now everyone’s making me feel like I committed a crime for finally saying something. So tell me… AITAH?
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nah dude, you snapped after being pushed for way too long. and she’s mad bc she’s not used to being called out. stay firm. if you keep letting it slide, they’ll just keep pushing. trust me, it never stops unless you set that line.
Your sister has no business judging you. None of her damn business.
NTA, stop making your husband lunch. He is as complicit in this as the rest of his family.
If you didn’t pack him a lunch, they would criticize you for being lazy and disrespectful. It’s not you, it’s them. Hold your head up and ignore them. Go somewhere where you can speak privately with your husband. Ask him if he wants you to stop. He will probably say he wants you to continue. Then tell him you would appreciate it if he would tell his family that he appreciates having a wife who enjoys cooking.
Eating out for a brief lunch break from work gets old fast and is rarely as healthy as home cooked meals
NTA for obvious reasons, but I would argue you could have handled this better.
It seems like you didn’t communicate that these comments were hurting you before you snapped at SIL. Did you tell your husband at all? Ideally he should have been the one to bring this up with SIL and tell her to stop with the comments.
I think some who comment will argue that your husband should have picked up on it without ypu having to tell him. I’d get where they were coming from, but we don’t know exactly which comments he heard, which he didn’t and to whom he felt they were directed, (e.g. he might have felt his sister was primarily calling him childish and that’s what he was laughing off).
For the avoidance of doubt, a calm word with your husband would be the better plan next time, if only to make you appear more reasonable to others rather than blowing up ‘out of nowhere’.
Best way to stop a bully is to push back hard, even if it’s only once. Your SIL has been taking cheap shots at you out of her own insecurity and weakness, and probably jealousy, too. You told her flat out to mind her own business. Refuse to react to, to apologize, or to discuss the *packed lunch* w/her ever again. Grey Rock her or leave the room. Ignore the holy sh000t out of her. You’ll have your own place soon. She’s an AH and a b@tch.
BTW, that’s a caring, sweet thing you do for your husband. OP NTA
NTA – this should stop her from commenting on the lunch. If you’re living with the family there may be other things which arise which need boundaries set. You may want to get creative at the get-go. For example, with the lunch, the first few times she criticizes it you could say something like: “how about if I take tomorrow off from making his lunch and you make what you think would be the perfect lunch for him? That would be fun to see what you come up with.” She would probably say something like – I’m not making his lunch. He can make his own lunch. And then anytime she criticized again say, “Hey, the offer is still good for you to make his lunch.” Or you could say, “Honey – do you want to make your own lunch today? I can take a day off.” He’d probably say he’d prefer you do it which then might get his sister to be quiet. Or maybe it’s her communication style to jab him.
Anything they criticize, as soon as you feel bothered, maybe find a creative way to turn it back to them. Before you get angry. If you can, ask your husband to talk to his family about critiquing what you do. Or ask them to show you how they would do it. It might embarrass them. Or maybe say, “can you show your brother how it should be done? Maybe he could do it better. I’m thinking of getting another job so we can buy a home faster so he’ll be doing more of these chores in the future. That will give you all more space which I’m sure you’d like and we won’t be underfoot.” Your husband probably wouldn’t put up with his sister and family criticizing how he packs lunches, unloads the dishwasher, does the laundry or whatever they complain about. And then be out of the house a lot for a week or so – you can be “looking for a part-time” your husband can explain. They can wonder why you aren’t home – maybe you are working, it’s none of their business. It might convince your husband to tell them to leave you alone.
NTA. And honestly, WHY are you doing this for a guy that won’t stand up for his wife?! You don’t reward bad behavior, and his behavior is just as bad as SIL’s.
NTA, she is out of bounds. Sounds like sibling bullying, and since you are married to him, you are fair game in her eyes. She doesn’t want him to have anything nice, so therefore, you doing something nice for him is grounds for her badgering. She’s probably jealous, too.
Info: I need to know if his family is blunt/direct like this as way of life.
If my husband’s family said this to me, it would be “why are you wasting those veggies on him, he’ll just pick them off (it’s a waste of money)” – “are you sure he is worth doing this for/ he is lazy” “looks dry, hope he doesn’t waste it”—and proceeds to show me something (I am not as experienced as they are, they cook a lot of difficult things), “why do you make her do this for you, you can take care of yourself.” Communication comes across differently due to cultural differences but they would be looking out for me in this instance.
She wanted that reaction so she could do exactly what she’s doing. I’m sorry this happened-but it isn’t likely to stop until you move out. NTA obviously
NTA. You did nothing wrong telling her a few home truths.
So is this POS excuse for a SIL living with you? If that’s the case I suggest kicking her a** out the damn house.
NTA but if your husband is just laughing it off and not standing up for you then you need to stop. Stand up for yourself quietly if that’s what they want sleep in and let him go get his lunch out like a real man if he doesn’t want to be man enough to stand up for you.
It’s your love language. Don’t listen to them.
NTA, she’s been pushing you until you cracked. I am wondering why your husband isn’t speaking up for you? That’s kind of an ass move from him. You didn’t mention working. I recommend that you’re doing anything and everything to also be contributing to funding a savings account so that you can get out of their home sooner than later.
NTA your sil should mind her own business
>And my husband? He just laughed it off like it was nothing.
As for your husband he should have told her off instead of laughing, I’d stop packing him lunch since he showed so little respect or gratitude for the lunches you pack.
I would LOVE it if someone made me lunch every day to take to work. Seriously, that’s amazing…
You’re doing nothing wrong OP, it sounds like your SIL needed to be put in her place. She’s not eating it, she doesn’t get to comment.
I do think your husband should be telling her to stop the comments as it’s unnecessary and not her place. I would definitely talk to your husband first to check whether he still wants you to make his lunch for him. If he does, then he needs to tell his sister to stop it. If he doesn’t want his lunch made anymore than at least you know and you can stop wasting your time.
My question is, why wasn’t your husband the one who said it instead of you? It should be his responsibility to keep his family in check, and I’m sorry he’s not doing that for you. You are definitely NTA though.
Didn’t I read this exact post last week, only it was the MIL?
NTA. My husband made my lunches for years. I only made him stop because he was overfeeding me. I still appreciates all he does for me. I’m sure your husband is the same.
What does her husband eat for lunch? I’m sure that’s a conversation she won’t want to have. She may be jealous.
Your husband says nothing?
Honestly – I’d ask him if he does actually want the lunch bc if he’s not defending you, he doesn’t deserve it if he does like it.
Do you live with your SIL?? How does she even know about you packing his lunch or what it is??? This is so weird.
ETA – Never mind. I see that you live with her. It’s time to leave. Now.
why isn’t your husband defending you?
NTA, no matter what you do you’ll always be the villain in that family. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband because his just standing there not defending you at all. If she goes back to critiquing your lunches & your husband just stands there. Look your husband in the eyes, take the food for yourself. Let him know that since his sister knows better then you, she will now be the one to pack your lunch. This is a jealous tactic.
Proper verbal response is – if you think this is overreacting, let me advise you “You ain’t seen nothing yet!”
So many people in this world who can “give it” and are so ill equipped to “take it”.
People don’t like to be called out on their shitty behavior.
And let’s face it, if you overreacted once, they should have the ability to get over it. They are only upset because you were speaking the truth.
NTA but you have a husband problem. He should be stopping it and he should be standing up for you. He’s letting his sister shit on you every day and making you feel bad, and he doesn’t seem to care but just laughs at her mean words. You are making him lunch with love and he’s letting his sister harass you. Does that sound equal to you? Because it doesn’t to me.
NTA. Also, making lunch is much less expensive than buying it every day which saves you money and gets you out faster. Make that the focus – getting out. If you need a short quick response when your SIL says something rude, saying, “Wow,” with eyebrows lifted and not engaging further can be effective.
Why the fuck is she even there to see shit? Why not tell her to fuck off? Why are you being quiet the whole damned time until you snap? Why wait? Fuck her.
Tell her to fuck off.
NTA, she just sounds like a bully, an abuser.
You need and your husband needs to move into your own place.
Your husband hasn’t defended you, and that’s the biggest problem here. I think this is super telling of where you rank in his priorities, so I would take that as the flag it is. NTA for telling her off.
I get this is your love language but your husband needs to stand up for you with this behaviour otherwise these things will continue seeing as they seem to view your reaction as you being the crazy one (gaslighting) and that you shouldn’t have spoken up to keep the peace (why aren’t they keeping their mouths shut to keep the peace? It’s not her business, so whatever you do for your husband is not fair game for her to comment on). If your husband doesn’t have your back and tell his sister she was out of line and she should apologise for harassing you constantly about what you do for him, then I find that to be a red flag and this won’t be the only drama you end up wading through with this family.
Your husband needs to deal with this ASAP. He needs to tell her to stop it and mind her own business and he needs to tell ALL the family that it’s none of their business and to shut up. He needs to make it clear he supports you – his WIFE.
I think she was just making jokes, an extension of sibling ribbing.
Just go back to ignoring the comments. The only one you should care about liking your lunches is your hubby.
Lord, I’ve seen what you’ve given others who don’t deserve it, can I have just a little bit of that? Amen 😭
Seriously though shame on your husband for not standing up for you for doing something awesome for him. He needs to grow a backbone and take care of his wife not his sister.
Fully own it. Proudly say, “I love my husband”. Let her calculate the implications of THAT statement!
NTA.
She’s toxic.
Why don’t you kick her out of your house?
YTA because you are making lunch for a dude who doesn’t defend you to his family.
If he doesn’t start defending you to his sister/family, then he can start bringing his own lunch.
NTA. “Just because you don’t know how to be a loving partner doesn’t mean I need to listen to you whine about your failures. Go learn a hobby since the highlight of your life is watching me take care of my husband. It’s pathetic to watch honestly.” And if she is single, “Ah I see being single is a choice being made for you.” “Huh, I’m a shitty cook and still found a husband. (look at empty hand) what’s your excuse? Too unbearable to spend more than five minutes with?”
Now speak to your husband. He needs to stand up for you and either tell them to lay off or he can start pulling extra shifts to get you two out quicker, get your own place (not sure if you are saving because you can’t afford to rent or you’re saving to buy a place). Or, tell him you two are moving back in with your folks (if that is an option). His family is clearly not a neutral place for you two to be. Because if he can’t be in your corner, cut your losses now.
Ask any critics how you should have stopped her
NTA, don’t make any more, tell your husband to ask his sister as she obviously knows so much better.
Since you’re trapped in the domicile of the witch of the wilds for right now, a passive aggressive war might be in order. Just for the sake of your sanity since the three witches fly as a pack. Get a pair of noise canceling headphones and very pointedly turn them up when she is in the room. Sing along when she speaks. If she catches your eye trying to cast an anger sorcery on you, smile as big and corny as you can with a head tilt and don’t answer. Give her the Sophia Petrillo anti evil-eye / Sicilian curse gesture and don’t explain it. Try to laugh at her bullshit because she’s got nothing better to do than piss on a happy marriage.
Another fucking loser husband who won’t stand up for his wife. There was only one answer for him. “Hey sis, STFU and leave OP alone.”
Update me go hard core shiney spine – I want to hear of a severe tongue lashing and I want to hear of that spine shine shine shine. Please call her out every day at every possible
Moment for anything. And anyone else that has problem with it. Record it even better and post it here so we can see.
NTA You need to ask your husband if this is how he feels and is why he didn’t stand up for you. Tell him that the truth won’t hurt your feelings, however not backing you up did. He’s probably loving unpacking it to see what you went through the trouble of making. And has jealous coworkers.
First of all, I’m pretty sure this is fake. That being said, if someone in my family said anything even remotely out of line to my wife the way the SIL does in this story, I would very firmly tell them to shut the F up and mind their business. Marriage is about having each other’s backs above all else.
NTA. I would never dream of interfering in either one of my brother’s marriages.
What you can tell your SIL is that you’re doing it because you love your husband and enjoy taking care of him, and you also are trying to save money, and that the sooner you have enough money to buy your own place, the sooner you can get out of her hair.
She seems to have lost sight of what it is that brought you to her house. It sounds like she needs to be reminded.
A few things:
First, “just a joke” is the rallying cry of every bully on the planet. She wasn’t just “being playful” she was bullying you.
Second, “keep the peace” is just a euphemism for “be a doormat”.
But the absolutely biggest issue is that you have a husband problem. It is literally part of a partner’s job to set boundaries with their family and enforce those boundaries. But what did your husband do? HE LAUGHED. He didn’t speak up. He didn’t shut it down. He didn’t tell her to MYOB. HE LAUGHED. He threw you under the bus. This is your biggest problem.
Does he usually sit back and let his family verbally abuse you? Does he ever speak up or have your back? THIS IS THE PART TO TAKE SERIOUSLY. You need a partner who stands up for you, who sets boundaries with his family, who doesn’t LAUGH when they abuse you. You don’t have that.
updateme
Have you ever asked your husband how he feels about you making him lunch everyday?
It is really weird that your sil and mil care at all. What is wrong with them?