This might be an emotional post because I haven’t been feeling too well. My boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for a little over 2 years. He usually pushes people away when going through hard times in his life, and I used to struggle so hard with this early on in our relationship because I hated when he asked for space and wanted to be next to him during rough patches. However, I have come to accept it the more with every occurrence, and respect his choices with no hesitation.
Every time this has happened, he would usually shut down and do his own thing for a week or two, then start coming out of his shell again. So when it happened again this past week (he’s having some family issues and is staying with me), I was generally okay. I was checking in on him from time to time, but he wouldn’t really speak to me.
And this isn’t where I’m struggling, because like I said, I have come to understand his way of handling situations is different than mine. But he’s talking to other girls about it, and it’s hurting me so badly. I’m trying to think rationally and tell myself that he’s doing that because the two women he’s confiding in know the people involved in the situation directly (while I don’t). But yesterday, one of them dropped by and gave him cookies, and at night, AFTER saying our goodnights and going to bed, he was up texting this other women about it.
I feel so terrible because I feel like I’m being replaced, or that I’m not a good partner, but when I do offer support, he’s declining it from me. I can’t stop crying because it took me so long (and a lot of therapy) to finally accept that him asking for space does not equal abandonment, and I was so proud of myself for that, but I’m abruptly back at square one now and I’m so afraid of being left behind. Any advice on how to deal with my emotions?
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This isn’t just about space, it’s about emotional intimacy being rerouted and that stings for a reason. If he trusts others with his pain but not you, it’s time to question if you’re being loved as a partner or sidelined as a placeholder.
Ask him if there’s any particular reason he doesn’t confide in you. Tell him you feel pushed away.
It may be because he’s seeking advice for something, maybe even regarding you. Dont assume the worst yet.
And if it is that he’s losing interest in you, you’ll find out properly, but dont go there yet. How’s your relationship outside of this? You’ve been together for quite a while, most likely communicating clearly will resolve this.
I am not sure if you need to deal with your emotions, or if you maybe need to stop being so accommodating.
What are his positive qualities?
First and foremost, please, please read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus….this explains EVERYTHING about how men pull away to try to “figure things out” while women have a need to talk about their problems….two completely opposite sides of the universe ways for men and women.
Secondly, I have an activity for you to do….it will greatly reveal to you that which YOU can choose to understand about YOURSELF. In order to understand him, first strive to understand yourself. For 3 days…be an observer of your life. As much as possible, simply observe anyone around you in your daily life. Try to interact as least as possible. After three days, post here what you observed. This will be a total shock in what will be revealed to you. Simply notice for 3 days.
He may not feel comfortable talking with you if you reacted to him in the past etc. It would be in your best growth potential to ask yourself why a reaction to begin with. Reacting is a gift because this is a clue as to where to start to understand self. The reaction is from within to the outside world. Most important, it is NOT the outside world “MAKING” you react, cry, get upset, etc. No one can ever, ever, ever, “MAKE” anyone cry, get mad, upset, react. No such thing……
Think about this….without relationship with others, HOW WOULD WE GROW? Relationships are the arena where a person can gauge their own growth through the other person’s eyes. Buttons get pushed inadvertently and this is a GOOD THING….it enable us to now where to look within to start to understand self. IT is NEVER about blaming when we are responsible “creators” of our own life. We choose every thought, words said, reactions, etc. Anyway, for 3 days simply “observe” everyone and everything around you then share here what happens. You will be amazed what you learn. May not be easy, but necessary.
Hey, I just want to start by saying your feelings are completely valid. You’ve clearly worked really hard to respect your boyfriend’s boundaries and grow emotionally, and it’s okay that this situation still really hurts. You’re not back at square one, you’re just facing a new kind of pain. Anyone in your shoes would feel the same way.
It’s confusing and painful when someone you love pushes you away but then lets others in. Even if those women know the people involved in his situation, that doesn’t erase how it feels to be shut out while someone else gets access to his thoughts, his emotions, and even his late-night texts. It’s not about jealousy. It’s about feeling emotionally connected and secure in your relationship, and right now, it makes perfect sense that you feel the opposite.
You’ve done everything you were supposed to. You respected his space. You let go of the fear that space meant abandonment. You were there for him quietly, and that’s hard work. That doesn’t make you weak or clingy. That makes you a caring and emotionally intelligent partner. It’s okay to cry about this. It’s okay that it hurts. Let yourself feel that.
Eventually, if you feel ready, it’s okay to express this to him in a calm way. You don’t need to accuse or blame him. Just share the truth. Something like, “I’ve really been trying to respect your space, but it hurts knowing you’re opening up to other people and not me. I want to be someone you trust too.” That’s not too much to ask. That’s not you being needy. That’s you asking to be loved the way you deserve.
No matter what happens from here, the growth you’ve made still stands. You are not back at the beginning. You are not being replaced. You are someone with a deep heart and a lot of love to give, and just because someone isn’t seeing that clearly right now doesn’t make it any less real. You’re doing your best. Please be gentle with yourself.
yes, he is going through something right now and he should get the space and support he needs to get through this. But that doesn’t mean that you’re own emotional needs should be completely forgotten.
I don’t think it’s the fact that he’s talking to other women, or to people in the know about the situation that’s upsetting you, I think it’s the fact that he’s never confided in you before and now he’s suddenly confiding in someone else.
You should tell him how this situation is making you feel. You guys don’t need to solve it right now, he doesn’t need to come up with a reason or answer, he just needs to here you out. Tell him that finding out that he is able to confide in people makes you feel like he doesn’t want to be that close to you. Tell him you are worried that he doesn’t trust you enough to talk about these things that are clearly bothering him and that you want to be that person for him. If you’ve done anything to make him feel like he can’t put emotional trust in you, tell him you want to know about it so that you will do better in the future. And just leave it there, bring it up again when he’s feeling better.
also, be warned that this might be emotional cheating. If he seemed like an open book when you guys first started dating, then slowly withdrew, then he might have found someone else to temporarily make him feel heard and that will drive him away from you. I’m not trying to freak you out, because you can still salvage this. But if you have abandonment issues, you should emotionally prepare yourself for the possibility.