Our relationship sex life started great with sex often, then about a year into the relationship she told me it hurts when she has sex but she likes it. I had no idea it ever hurt her. Fast forward a few months, she told me that she doesn’t enjoy sex that much, and that she wants to never have sex again, and I said ok but we left it open ended because it was out of no where. We end up having sex the day after, and she initiated.
She’s voiced to me that it might be her nexplanon, it might be that her kinks might not be getting fully fulfilled. She likes DDLG and I’m Dom every time we have sex, and I play along with it being the dominant roll and treating her like how she wants to be treated. The main thing is that the main thing is she doesn’t physically feel it. She was SA’d by her brother when she was younger, maybe about 9-12 years old, and I think that’s why she has trouble feeling it, but I don’t think she would be happy about me confronting her about that.
She brought up last week that she thinks she is Asexual, because she can’t physically feel the sex. She has also told me in the past that she likes the idea of sex and she wants to have sex, but she struggles with physically feeling it. After doing some research, I tried telling her that asexuality has nothing to do physical feeling alone. She completely blew up on me and said that she doesn’t like it if I bring that up and insists that she is asexual. What’s weird is that also 2 days ago we talked about not having sex for a long time but then she ended up initiating sex when we were cuddling in bed together. During this session, we tried using a vibrator during sex and she said it was helpful and it was better than normal. I thought we were working towards a solution.
Today, she told me that I am slowly killing her each time we have sex and that if we keep having sex one day she will die while I’m inside her and there will be a puddle of blood, because there is “blood that I don’t see” when we have sex normally. To me this seemed like a manipulation tactic, to get me to commit to a sexless relationship, because she said she wants me to be ok with a fully sexless relationship now.
I’m confused because it seemed like we were working towards a solution and now she’s having a complete 180. I suggested the idea of having planned sex once a week and she wasn’t interested in that. Realistically, I don’t need sex but I would atleast want it once every two weeks or something. I value her as a person way more than having sex, I love her for her, but I’m really confused with her pushing me to say ok to a fully sexless relationship after we’ve been together for 2 years.
It seems like she wants to break up if I can’t commit to having no sex. I don’t want to tell her I’m ok with never having sex again because I’m a man of my word. I’m not ok with that. I want to have sex atleast once a month, that’s how far I would be willing to go. I think I’m super reasonable by suggesting once a week, trying to find a solution; doing everything I can to TRY to make her feel good during sex. Remember, she tells me she wants to have sex, she just doesn’t like having it because she can’t physically feel it. How can I change her mind about asexuality and save this relationship?
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Break up. Incompatible. You’re too young to be worrying about tying yourself to someone who is ace. She can go find another ace to be with.
Dying with laughter. Why are you entertaining this niche persona? Life is short and there are no do overs!
She must be highly appealing to you (I’m not hating on that)
Refer her to a therapist and cut your losses.
The main thing I worry for you is the mixed signals that she is giving & how that is not only confusing for you but also for her.
One the one hand she has said she doesn’t want sex, but on the other hand she initiated sex & admitted that with a vibrator it was better.
If she herself isn’t sure of what she wants or where she stands within her own sexuality you can’t be expected to navigate that or standby whilst she navigates it.
I think you have to have that conversation that you need clarity in order to make a decision about the relationship. As you’ve found the conversations vs actions aren’t aligned.
Ultimately you wouldn’t be wrong to break up due to sexual incompatibility, it’s not a minor thing. Sex is a part of relationships, something which you expected in this relationship & now that might be off the table you’re right to reevaluate.
If I was you I just wouldn’t want to live in the grey area of confusion as to sex one minute, then saying no sex in the next breath.
If the idea of a sexless relationship is appealing to you, why not.
If you ever want a relationship with a woman who loves to have sex with you, she ain’t it.
Ok , i dont know your situation that well but from what I ‘ve read it seems she isnt attracted to you 100 % . Maybe her mind stops her from relaxing by stressing over God knows what a woman has in mind all the time. Stress can be really a turn off in these matters, provoking her muscles down there to tense , maybe during sex with her u feel she is tighter and not really relaxed …that could be a reason why its painful for her.
I myself didnt find a solution to this problem yet.
She has told you she doesn’t want to have sex with you. You can choose to go along with it, or you can end it. Tying yourself in knots to come up with a solution that sucks for both of you is not worth it.
nope
Read the book “if you’re in my office it’s already too late.”
You’ll realize that one of the main reasons people end of divorced is a difference in sexual frequency or intensity. You guys differ in both frequency and intensity. What you can try is a sexual therapist. Or maybe even a therapist because it seems like the root of the problem is SA. Until she fixes the root of the problem she it seems she asexual. You may think she’s everything but you’re young. You might think you’re okay with not having sex or okay with having sex once a month but it’s not. If you want sex and a certain type of sex and she doesn’t, it’s going to build resentment. Resentment that will lead to conflict, cheating probably and/or breaking up. You say you’re okay with it now but just you wait until you haven’t had sex in 2 years, you’ll think differently.
Break up. She is entitled to do what she wants with her body, she has no right to compel you to be in a relationship with her.
Just tell her that you respect her decision and as that is incompatible with what you want out of a relationship you are ending it.
Ex girlfriend..she can be a female friend.
Currently you are incompatible but if you really want to make it work then I suggest she gets some therapy to figure out some stuff and perhaps couples therapy alongside it. She is giving completely mixed messages and thats not okay.
She doesn’t sound mentally sound! Move on and find someone who is normal! Also tell her to look up the word asexual in the dictionary, she doesn’t know what that means..
OP I think it is admirable that you love her enough at this young age that you want to find a way to make this relationship to work.
I would like to suggest that she should talk things out with her OBYGN to start with. She sounds like she may have a physical problem. So many women don’t realize the range of health issues women can develop that are not commonly known. If she has little to no drive at her age, she has bleeding at time after/during sex, pain – (worse than giving birth), are all signs of hormone deficiency. Some of these issues can be caused by serious medical conditions that can become deadly if untreated. Explain this to her and ask her to get full bloodwork, scans, etc. I would suggest writing all of her symptoms and sending it to her Dr office before her appointment as it can prepare her Dr if she gets uncomfortable or forgetful. I developed this issues and it took me 2 years before I spoke up to my Dr and found my problem. It was easily fixed with an “O-ring and a patch.
As for what happened to her by her brother, if she has not had serious therapy please encourage her to. Please make sure that she sees someone who treats victims of SA, that occurred when they were a child. I wish and pray for her, and hope she knows she is not alone.
Brother, there is a word for a non-sexual exclusive relationship and that word is ‘Marriage!’ She is getting Hers from somewhere…. You are too young, this will have long term effects! Even if you two make it through this, she will be the “shot caller” in your relationship from then on. Do you want that? Think about all the reasons why and why not then wrap those reasons around her and toss them all out the window! Every relationship that is meant to be, will always show it was meant to be! Non-sexual? That’s a very good example of NOT MEANT TO BE!
Be kind but break up asap. What she suggests is a prison sentence; also she won’t find another bf without sex being involved