My husband (36M) and I (35F) have two children (a 3.5yr toddler and an 8 month baby) and he wants us to be joint parents in making decisions, keeping each other informed on matters relating to the kids etc, which I am totally fine with.
He does the drop off and pick up for our toddler while I stay at home with the baby, and toddler’s daycare is near his mother’s house. Husband would often pick up our daughter early and go over to his mother’s, not for long but he didn’t extend the courtesy to either discuss or even just let me know that he’s planning to do so.
I would know only after the fact either from my daughter mentioning her grandma or I would see some treats/toys that grandma gave. I get the impression that as he’s responsible for drop off/pick up then I don’t have any input (shouldn’t have any input as it doesn’t affect me) into the matter but this goes against his joint parenting view.
I don’t like finding out he’s taken my daughter to x after the fact. Once he took toddler to ride her bike after daycare (around his mother’s house) and she fell down. She wasn’t wearing a helmet and was luckily not hurt but if I had known I would’ve asked him to bring the helmet.
He once got extremely upset that I didn’t discuss with him before asking my mum to come over to look after our sick daughter, saying he wanted it to be joint parenting and it doesn’t take much to ask/discuss with him. Well it doesn’t take much either for him to let me know he’s taking the toddler to grandma’s.
So AITA if I raise this as an issue as it’s literally double standards (he can do it but I can’t)?
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My husband (36M) and I (35F) have two children (a 3.5yr toddler and an 8 month baby) and he wants us to be joint parents in making decisions, keeping each other informed on matters relating to the kids etc, which I am totally fine with.
He does the drop off and pick up for our toddler while I stay at home with the baby, and toddler’s daycare is near his mother’s house. Husband would often pick up our daughter early and go over to his mother’s, not for long but he didn’t extend the courtesy to either discuss or even just let me know that he’s planning to do so.
I would know only after the fact either from my daughter mentioning her grandma or I would see some treats/toys that grandma gave. I get the impression that as he’s responsible for drop off/pick up then I don’t have any input (shouldn’t have any input as it doesn’t affect me) into the matter but this goes against his joint parenting view.
I don’t like finding out he’s taken my daughter to x after the fact. Once he took toddler to ride her bike after daycare (around his mother’s house) and she fell down. She wasn’t wearing a helmet and was luckily not hurt but if I had known I would’ve asked him to bring the helmet.
He once got extremely upset that I didn’t discuss with him before asking my mum to come over to look after our sick daughter, saying he wanted it to be joint parenting and it doesn’t take much to ask/discuss with him. Well it doesn’t take much either for him to let me know he’s taking the toddler to grandma’s.
So AITA if I raise this as an issue as it’s literally double standards (he can do it but I can’t)?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Expect that husband should also keep me informed if he was visiting his mum with our toddler after daycare, like how he wants me to ask/discuss childcare issues with him
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.If it doesn’t take much to ask / discuss with him, why isn’t he doing that with you? Honestly, you SHOULD raise the issue into a whole discussion. This impacts your kids’ safety – you should always know where they are in case something happens. (The same is, in fact, true about always knowing which adults they are with, so your husband is not wrong about that part, just about… the whole context)The “nobody tells anyone things” situation is going to culminate in both of you at some point assuming the kid is with the other while the kid is completely unattended, I’m predicting it.
EDIT: INFO. Have you ever raised the topic before? Asked him to tell you when he’s taking the kid to grandma’s? Is this an ongoing conflict or has this all been in your head up until now?
NTA.
Do you get along with your mother in law? Talk to your husband about why you’re not included in these visits, or why you’re not told about them.
Two kids in a short amount of time is stressful. Also consider not having more children until/unless you can work out these issues.
NAH here, but this is clearly about the decisions and you two need to learn to communicate. Your husband doesn’t need to report every activity he undertakes with the child, or to have it pre-planned.
soft YTA. You sound way too controlling. This doesn’t like a joint parenting thing at all. Does he need to tell you also if he makes a quick stop at a gas station on the way home or some other small errand? Or report to you every time she goes to the bathroom? Really sounds like a case of helicopter parenting. But same from his side about the case he got extremely upset about, but I feel like some important details are missing about that.
He doesn’t want a joint parenting situation. He wants control. Evidenced in the fact that only you need to discuss things to get his opinion (aka permission) while he does what he wants with no thought to your feelings on the matter.
NTA, but if you haven’t shared this concern prior, you could be sharing the responsibility.
Sounds like a case of “Do as I say, not as I do.”
I think it’s odd he’s not telling you.
Do you get on with MIL?
How come sometimes he can pick her up early, does he not work?
This is weird.
I feel like you don’t necessarily need to know that he’s taking your kid to see their grandparent, and he shouldn’t necessarily need to know that you’re getting help from a grandparent to care for your kid. That feels a bit over the top from both of you. His double standard on the matter is more asshole-y, and I do think he needs to be more aware of safety with your kid and teach them to wear a helmet as that’s important both now and as an adult.
Both of you need to either calm down a touch and trust each other, or be clear that you both want to know where your kid is at all times and get better at communicating about that.
ESH, you both probably should rethink what trivial things don’t really need a conversation. It really sounds like neither of you trusts the other’s parenting decisions. I can’t imagine myself caring where my husband takes our children 95% of the time.
NTA… but this arrangement is very unrealistic. Major decisions should be agreed upon….but you need to trust each other with minor day to day decisions.
Popping in to see Gramma is not worth a discussion , unless there is a reason you don’t want her to.
Babysitting is worth mentioning , only to keep each other informed.
Seems to me like he isn’t following through with the standard he set. Point it out to him, and no, you are NTA in this situation.
Quick text – “heading to G-Ma’s house” I assume is all that you really would prefer from him. Alternatively, have shared locations on your devices so you can see where each other is. Its a safety thing IMHO.
I think the “joint parenting” term is a little much and seems controlling on his part, a legality and transactional.
Raise the issue with him that you require a text if he is deviating from the plan of pickup and bring home.
NTA but this is a strange question. You’re not asking us “is this a double standard? You’re asking “am I an asshole for talking to my husband about a problem we have?
Of course not? Why would that make you an asshole? Are you worried he will react badly? Call you an asshole? Get defensive and deny what he’s doing?
If so- that is your actual problem, not that you want to bring it up.
Uh, wow. I can’t believe you two are arguing over grandmothers.
YTA. No reason for you to know when he’s passing by his mother’s house before hand, especially since you know sheblives close to the school. On the other hand, someone coming to the house should be a discussion.
nta. he is a controlling person. he expects no pushback on his decisions but questions yours. your marriage is already in trouble. brace him now or start planning your divorce and co parenting plan but expect him to demand total custody.
I don’t think stopping by grandma’s or going on a bike ride is a “parenting decision”. Neither of you should have to check with the other over things that small.
I also understand him wanting to know if someone is coming to the house. These are not examples I’d a double standard.
NTA. Seems like your husband has a “rules for thee but not for me” policy.
Why would he need to let you know he is going past his mothers house? Do you need to give your approval? Why did your mother need to come over to take care of your sick daughter? Did she take her back to her house? Can you not manage 2 kids at once?
Joint parenting does not mean every time the kid does something you have to tell the other one. You two need to grow up