AITA
I got legally married in a small chapel two months ago, it was a tiny ceremony and had 13 people including myself and my husband. She did show up to that one, and I had her husband (my step dad) walk me down the aisle. She now refers to this as my “Christian wedding”
We had a much bigger wedding party (65+ people) with my in-laws who are of a different religion. My mom and step dad rvsp’d said they were excited and were coming. Then a couple days before she tells me her and my step dad have the flu. She likes to make everything about herself, I kind of knew it would happen but I was so overwhelmed with wedding stuff | was like okay whatever. Then the next day she said she was sick and she’s not coming. My MIL begged her to come but she said she wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t stand.
A few weeks later we got back honeymoon and I told her how angry I was about it. I knew she was very against people of certain religions but she knows my in-laws and my in-laws are absolute angels who treat me better than their own son. My husband jokes I’m their golden child
It’s now been 5 weeks back from the honeymoon and she’s saying it was her vertigo that made her ill and not want to come. Her story keeps changing. She told me she’s so upset I’m upset with her that she’s crying a lot and now she’s leaning on my brother even more now emotionally (she has enmeshment issues with him but he’s not willing to do anything about it). But I’m still so angry she won’t take accountability for her actions. Her birthday is this weekend and I’m trying to decide if I should go see her or not. My dad is not in my life anymore because of his issues with violence and anger and using money to control me. So she knows she was my only parent coming to the wedding.
Anyways AITA?
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AITA
I got legally married in a small chapel two months ago, it was a tiny ceremony and had 13 people including myself and my husband. She did show up to that one, and I had her husband (my step dad) walk me down the aisle. She now refers to this as my “Christian wedding”
We had a much bigger wedding party (65+ people) with my in-laws who are of a different religion. My mom and step dad rvsp’d said they were excited and were coming. Then a couple days before she tells me her and my step dad have the flu. She likes to make everything about herself, I kind of knew it would happen but I was so overwhelmed with wedding stuff | was like okay whatever. Then the next day she said she was sick and she’s not coming. My MIL begged her to come but she said she wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t stand.
A few weeks later we got back honeymoon and I told her how angry I was about it. I knew she was very against people of certain religions but she knows my in-laws and my in-laws are absolute angels who treat me better than their own son. My husband jokes I’m their golden child
It’s now been 5 weeks back from the honeymoon and she’s saying it was her vertigo that made her ill and not want to come. Her story keeps changing. She told me she’s so upset I’m upset with her that she’s crying a lot and now she’s leaning on my brother even more now emotionally (she has enmeshment issues with him but he’s not willing to do anything about it). But I’m still so angry she won’t take accountability for her actions. Her birthday is this weekend and I’m trying to decide if I should go see her or not. My dad is not in my life anymore because of his issues with violence and anger and using money to control me. So she knows she was my only parent coming to the wedding.
Anyways AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the ahole because she keeps claiming she was sick but the story she says keeps changing and I do not believe her
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Info: Do you doubt that she was actually unwell at all? Or did you expect her to come anyway?
Cause “Being so sick, she can’t stand” and then “she’s saying it was her vertigo” are not really contradictory.
I’m confused. She turned up at your actual wedding. Then 2 months later you throw Wedding Party #2 and she’s too ill to attend that one. But you are upset b/c you don’t believe her and are telling everyone she didn’t turn up for your wedding? Umm, she actually did though; you merely expected her to turn up for two of them.
Frankly, she’s not the only person in your family who is melodramatic.
I think you are asking a lot that she be healthy and available for multiple wedding celebrations. Did she have dark motives for not attending Wedding #2?– if she did, she didn’t make a scene or throw them at anyone. She said she was sick and she could well have been. Yet you are angry about it. Would you have been angrier if she had turned up and then collapsed?– I’m guessing you’d have been furious at her making your celebration all about her then too?
Maybe she was a jerk? But your reaction for her not attending Wedding Party #2 due to illness is over the top, and, sorry, YTA if you’ve stated facts correctly.
Yta. She didn’t bail on you. She attended your first wedding. Then she told you she (and her husband ) were sick for your second wedding, which you refuse to believe. What accountability do you think she must show? She already supported you once. You are acting extremely entitled to other’s people’s time.
“Her birthday is this weekend”
Perfect time to have the flu with vertigo and phlegm.
NTA
YTA your stepfather was sick with the flu, your mother was exposed to him & the virus. He also would need to drive her to the wedding. I’m sorry you are hurt that your mother put the health of your guests ahead of your feelings & didn’t get everyone sick.
I’m assuming you married a Muslim. I suppose you have to just accept that she will not be fully on board with your decision. It might take some time for her to be comfortable.
NTA, Just tell her you’re sick and can’t make it. Good enough for her, good enough for you.
NTA,
The level of emotional manipulation is staggering
She did come to your wedding. She didn’t show up for the later party and I understnsd how disppointng that ws.
You can’t kw for sure whether she was actualy unwell or not. If yor step-dad was unwell, then her being unwilling to drive for an hour, leaving him alone and when she herself may have been coming down with the same bug, wasn’t unreasonable.
That said, it’s understandable that your feelings were hurt becasue it was an imoortnat day for you and it’s not unreasonbable to feel that she could potentially have made more of an effort (for instnace, checking if another family mmebr could have given her a ride, if she wasn’t comfrtable driving r felt self-conscious about attending alone.
That said, if you are feeling angry with her, maybe skip a birthday vist. Send her a card but leave it at tht.
It sounds s though she wants you to tell her it’s OK that she missed your celebration – you are clearly not ready to do that,so give yourself some time .
If you eel you need to responf to her maybe stick to something like “I’m still really disappointed that you didn’t attend . I needsome time to work thorugh things aso I’m not ready yet to discuss this with you in person or to meete up. I’ll let you know when that changes”
IT’s hard becuse how it’s reasonble for you to respond depends a bit on whether either she or your step dad were genunely ill, and it sounds as though they may have been but that you belive that they weren’t , and of course it can be true both that they were ill and that she was unsupportive and looking for an excuse not to show up.
So a soft ESH – you becaude she was there for the actual ceremony and if your step dad was geneunely unwell, her staying away so as not to infect others a isnt wildly unreasonable, her becasue ishe’ds now making it all about her feelings .
I’d say don’t vist, let things cool down a bit . nd enjoy the positive relatinship you havewith your in laws
I read on the internet that vertigo is hereditary /s. Maybe you will have a bout of it on her birthday.
NTA
YTA!
NTA . She attended the ceremony she approved of but wouldn’t support you in the event for his side of the family.
In front of all those people, she embarrassed you and did not turn up. She let you down and lied. Sounds like she’s done that before.
Honestly, my own mother had similar traits, Always drama, always the victim, never supportive, missed my wedding by choice then cried non stop about it. People couldn’t congratulate us or ask about the wedding etc without her interjecting how awful a day it was for her because she couldn’t go (lies- she made her choice)
Take a little distance, phone in your birthday wishes but don’t feel you have to visit her. Maybe you feel ill, she’ll understand, and if she kicks back about you not attending just point out the hypocrisy. You had one special wedding event with everyone in attendance except her, how many birthdays has she had? Shouldn’t be a big deal, unless she makes it so and then you remind her again of her own behaviour. Just because you don’t have your dad doesn’t mean you have to put up with her poor behaviour.
Did your mother at any point object to the second ceremony? Did it require you to convert?
Soft YTA
She was at your real wedding, why are you making such a big deal out of her absence at your second celebration?
She did let you know she was “ill”. Whether that is true or not, what is the point of being angry about it after 2 months? Whatever her reasons for not coming, her absence at this second celebration changed nothing, you were already married.
Of course, if you don’t like your mother, which appears to be the case, you can now choose to not include her in plans you make if you prefer.
She will have other birthdays, so if you miss this one, no big deal. But don’t tell her that you are punishing her for her absence. Do arrange a moment with her once you’ve calmed down, go somewhere neutral together and tell her you were disappointed but that you were, of course, glad that she was at your real wedding.