I turned 30 a few days ago. I have spend from the age of 16-29 chasing the male gaze. Because I wanted approval. Strangely I wanted approval from other women more than men. Men will fuck corpses and fish and tables (I know a guy who fucked a table)
I’ve spent my teens and my 20’s dressing in a style just isn’t me. I would always feel so fake.
I wore makeup that really isnt me too.
And here’s the thing. I never even succeed. I never fit the male gaze. And that’s ok. I like the way I look
I did get a lot of compliments from other women though but they never felt good because I know it wasn’t the real me they were complimenting. And that just made me feel so much worse. It made the big empty hole in me feel so much bigger.
A few days ago I just snapped. Why am I even doing this. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t need this.
I realised that the male gaze is artificial and pedophilic. I don’t want to fit that. That is disgusting. Men have no taste.
But I do have taste. And I want to be happy and comfortable in myself.
I realised that I don’t want to fit the male gaze, I don’t even want to fit the female gaze. I want to fit my own gaze. Because when I look at other women I see each one as so beautiful and regardless worthy of love and respect. Why can’t I apply that to myself?
I have decided to dress and style myself as my taste is.
But I don’t need that anymore. I know I am worthy and lovable. The friends I have now have shown me that.
I’m disappointed it took me so long to get here. I waisted my 20’s. I am still cringeing at it. Has anyone else felt the same way?
Edit: I have taken out the ranty life story bit, someone very kindly messaged me to advise this is not the sub for personal stories.
Comments
The most important part is learning from your past. Good for you!
I’m super confused about the table. How does that even work??
>I’m disappointed it took me so long to get here. I waisted my 20’s. I am still cringeing at it.
Think of it this way – we are raised to believe our value in in the world is tied to our beauty, our sex appeal, or our usefulness as homemakers. It makes sense that we live our lives trying to fit this idea of what society wants us to be.
The fact that you’re only 30 and you’ve had this realisation is something to be really proud of.
Glad to hear about your new found happiness! If you don’t already, it’s good to build up some good female and male friends who support your new look. You’ll definitely find people who will confront and insult anything that doesn’t fit their stereotype. But find new alternative places to spend time and meet new people.
Hey I actually enjoyed reading the back story!! Who told you that? Your story was super insightful into how the make gaze can harm women. I think it’s appropriate for this sub. Please consider putting it back up.
Don’t let others dull your shine girl.
I think we’ve all had this experience, others making us being small for being who we are.
And your first boyfriend sounds like a piece of work.
maybe by 31, you’ll learn what the term male gaze means lol (no hate, it just really annoys me when people use it wrong because the theory is specifically about how women are presented in visual arts and literature)
To be fair, I know some women who have fucked a table.
Something that’s felt really nice for me is working out not to be skinnier or look more fem but to just be stronger. To be able to lift more and feel more capable. Not counting calories or using a scale just picking up hobbies that use my body in a way I like and working on strengthening for that. I don’t think I “look” better, and definitely not to men. But damn do I feel better