I (26M) have an awful relationship with my dad (59), which has been tense for years. But it got worse after finding out about an affair he’s been having since 2018, lying about her being just a friend. He teaches at a university I studied at, which is two hours away from my home state. Here´s a summarized timeline for how this developed:
2018: My mom found out about this and made the request to not contact her anymore. That didn’t happen.
2019: He started a midlife crisis, buying expensive and useless shit to feel younger. I was hospitalized for two months, but he still traveled in the gap between Christmas and New Year. I was too sick to do the math but now it’s too obvious.
2020: COVID hit, and my sister Natalie got engaged (Important for later). After that, mom learned he was buying the other teacher´s children gifts on Amazon.
2021: His crisis got worse, followed by misogyny, queerphobia, and having crushes on people of my sister’s age (26 at the time). I graduated from college, and on New Year’s Eve, mom discovered he was not only still texting her, but meeting with her, ruining mom´s New Year.
2022: I started working to save money, and gave dad my first salary to help him travel for work because he “didn’t have anything for that week”. I found later that he spent it on a parachute session for both of them. He told Natalie he wanted to divorce mom for being “too demanding,” making her hate mom. She finally exposed everything a month before Natalie’s wedding. And instead of helping with wedding expenses, he bought more gifts for the other kids.
What’s worse is that it’s hard for my mom to file a divorce because her job isn’t enough to sustain even one person. I even gave her money of my salary for a year and that didn’t cut it. The wedding happened and Natalie moved with her husband. I tried to have a conversation with my dad, but the best I got was that if he needed to apologize, it was with my mom because I quote “he didn’t do anything wrong to either me or my Natalie”.
2023 and 2024 were followed by drinking (he’s not an alcoholic but he drinks excessively). Natalie had a baby and dad was making the not funny joke of sneaking beer into the baby´s formula. The company I worked for shut down but I managed to save for my MA. Bad side, I’m down to my last penny, so I have to live with my parents. I do help whenever I can with what I have, but I know it’s hard for my mom to deal with him because she is looking for both of us. So I’m looking to leave whenever I can so she can be able to make more choices.
By 2025, dad even forgets how old I am, tries to connect with me by pissing me off and is useless around the house. Mom even found out again that he still talks to this woman. And I have this grudge against him. But I have the moral weight of “he’s my dad and I have to respect him”, when he has disrespected my entire family for so long. I feel cornered and I can’t wait to leave. But I ask you redditors, am I an asshole for not forgiving my father?
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I (26M) have an awful relationship with my dad (59), which has been tense for years. But it got worse after finding out about an affair he’s been having since 2018, lying about her being just a friend. He teaches at a university I studied at, which is two hours away from my home state. Here´s a summarized timeline for how this developed:
2018: My mom found out about this and made the request to not contact her anymore. That didn’t happen.
2019: He started a midlife crisis, buying expensive and useless shit to feel younger. I was hospitalized for two months, but he still traveled in the gap between Christmas and New Year. I was too sick to do the math but now it’s too obvious.
2020: COVID hit, and my sister Natalie got engaged (Important for later). After that, mom learned he was buying the other teacher´s children gifts on Amazon.
2021: His crisis got worse, followed by misogyny, queerphobia, and having crushes on people of my sister’s age (26 at the time). I graduated from college, and on New Year’s Eve, mom discovered he was not only still texting her, but meeting with her, ruining mom´s New Year.
2022: I started working to save money, and gave dad my first salary to help him travel for work because he “didn’t have anything for that week”. I found later that he spent it on a parachute session for both of them. He told Natalie he wanted to divorce mom for being “too demanding,” making her hate mom. She finally exposed everything a month before Natalie’s wedding. And instead of helping with wedding expenses, he bought more gifts for the other kids.
What’s worse is that it’s hard for my mom to file a divorce because her job isn’t enough to sustain even one person. I even gave her money of my salary for a year and that didn’t cut it. The wedding happened and Natalie moved with her husband. I tried to have a conversation with my dad, but the best I got was that if he needed to apologize, it was with my mom because I quote “he didn’t do anything wrong to either me or my Natalie”.
2023 and 2024 were followed by drinking (he’s not an alcoholic but he drinks excessively). Natalie had a baby and dad was making the not funny joke of sneaking beer into the baby´s formula. The company I worked for shut down but I managed to save for my MA. Bad side, I’m down to my last penny, so I have to live with my parents. I do help whenever I can with what I have, but I know it’s hard for my mom to deal with him because she is looking for both of us. So I’m looking to leave whenever I can so she can be able to make more choices.
By 2025, dad even forgets how old I am, tries to connect with me by pissing me off and is useless around the house. Mom even found out again that he still talks to this woman. And I have this grudge against him. But I have the moral weight of “he’s my dad and I have to respect him”, when he has disrespected my entire family for so long. I feel cornered and I can’t wait to leave. But I ask you redditors, am I an asshole for not forgiving my father?
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> 1. The action is me holding a grudge against my father and refusing to forgive him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Your dad stole your first salary to fund his affair and you’re wondering if YOU’RE the problem?
Respect is earned, not owed. He’s been disrespecting your entire family for 7 years straight.
NTA. Respect is earned, not given due to blood ties. Aim to support your mom and build a life that doesn’t revolve around your dad’s disappointments.
There is some weird thinking that a biological connection via DNA some how supercedes basic human decency and kindness. It doesn’t.
NTA. Cut the cord.
NTA. What ever was there from him being your dad, he destroyed that. Support your mom to divorce him and kick him out. Because at the moment he is at the point that he can do what ever he wants with no negative consequences.
Absolutely NTA.
Your father has repeatedly betrayed your family’s trust, lied, manipulated finances, emotionally neglected you and your mother, and shown zero remorse. The idea that you “have to respect him” simply because he’s your father is toxic. Respect is earned, not owed. He hasn’t just failed as a partner to your mom; he’s failed as a parent by prioritizing his selfish desires over his children’s well-being.
NTA fuck that man he is not even a dad smh
poor mom hope she finds someone better
Wow how has your mum put up with such an awful husband for so long! How have you supported him at all during that time after what he has done to your family. How do you still feel loyalty to that?
Think you and your mom need to see a therapist, try to figure out why you keep a toxic person around . If it’s money get another job , but dam cut that man out of your life . NTA
NTA. There’s nothing here to respect. The question of whether or not to forgive him can come up when he changes his behavior. Until then, you’d just be enabling him to hurt your family more.
NTA. He’s not sorry anything he has done.
NTA, you don’t need to respect your father if he does not act respectfully.
NTA. Respect him for what? Being trash?
NTA i would talk to your mom abount boundries. Even if she cant leave yet she can take a diffrent room and make it clear the romantic part of their relationship is dead. Also if they have been married that long she will be entitled to alimony and maybe part of his pention
NTA
Your father is honestly a sad man. His actions will drive him to die alone, and be remembered by the people he’s hurt by all the pain he’s caused.