My (40F) husband (44M) had an affair three years ago, it has been two years since it ended. Now, with hindsight I can accept that he did mostly stay with me out of guilt and obligation and responsibility. But he says this is where he wants to be, even if it is for reasons other than “being in love” and having passion for one another. I don’t want to lose half my time with my children and so I will accept this for what it is. A lot of marriages lose that part of their Relationship and make do and we are making the most of what we have. We don’t talk about the affair anymore, in fact 6 months after the whole thing ended I made a point of never bringing it up. To move forward
She was known to us and known to children and to this day they sometimes occasionally still ask after her though not as frequently as before. I learnt recently that about 5 months ago (a year and a half after affair ended), he had contact with the other woman and he suggested to her that she reach out to me, make “amends” with me and so she could have some kind of relationship with our children, the other woman said no and my husband seemed kind of desperate to make it happen. “That is the only way” he said. I asked him about it and his reply was that he feels so guilty for taking someone away from the children. Yes, the children did love her very much and of course still miss her from time to time, she was a regular presence and one day just vanished from their world but they have coped and they have adjusted. My husband is insisting it is just the children and nothing on his part, he admits having a relationship with her would be wrong.
Side note: when the affair ended right away, he did ask if he could one day have a friendship with her as they were friends before.
Anyway, since that message, he also explained he couldn’t have any contact with her, he admitted to still having feelings for her, said she was an “addiction” and he still dreamt of her (18 months post affair) and he did what he should have done right from the start: he blocked her. A few weeks after blocking her he tried making contact through other mediums (mutual friends they shared) but no one was interested in playing chaperone and so he has given up since then.
A friend of mine said that since he was “forced” to give her up he cant get over her. But the other woman seems to have moved on so why can’t he? I have visited other infidelity subs where they talk about how disgusted they feel towards their affair partner, can that still happen here?
Comments
bruh.. why waste your time with him? he’s completely lost
You can’t just stop being in love with someone. I think it’s sad that your kids are not getting to know what a healthy relationship looks like. Since they will not no any different, they will repeat this pattern. You are accepting this affair, so you have to accept his feelings about it. It’s his choice to grieve that relationship so he can move on. What a sad life for you.
Your kids deserve to see a happy loving relationship. You deserve happiness. Send his ass packing.
He’s not over her, and the “addiction” excuse is just him romanticizing his lack of self-control. You’ve been doing all the work to keep the marriage afloat while he’s still chasing a fantasy behind your back.
What did your couples therapist say about this?
The biggest mistake some of us make is choosing to remain with a spouse who has admitted to falling in-love with his / her affair partner. Even if you remain in that marriage, life as you know it has changed, for the both of you, and may never really be the same again… You’ll watch that spouse live an existence in a shell or “lost” as their heart isn’t truly with you. They are remaining with you in that marriage because of their own selfish reasons.
Ma’am, you have asked this question at least 15 times with different nicknames. Please don’t do this to yourself anymore. Just get a divorce. Do you think this is a healthy environment for your children? They can feel even the slightest tension between you. They are not stupid. You think you’re doing them a favor by not breaking up the family, but you’re actually doing them a disservice. With your husband. And they will suffer the consequences for the rest of their lives. Turn back from this path.