I don’t even know where to start because honestly, this whole thing is so messed up and it’s been building up for months. I’m 19, still living at home while I go to community college. My dad remarried a couple years ago, and ever since then, things haven’t really felt like my home anymore. It’s like… I live here, but I don’t belong here. My stepmom has this thing where she’ll act like she owns everything in the house even the stuff my dad clearly bought. I mean, my dad’s the one who works full time, pays the bills, does the grocery runs. But somehow, she gets to play gatekeeper? It started small. Like she’d give me weird looks when I grabbed a snack from the pantry. Then she’d start hiding food. Not even joking. Like, I’d go to get cereal and suddenly it’s “not for me.” Or I’d make a sandwich and she’d say, “You should’ve asked first.” Ask? For a slice of bread? Last week, I came home from class, super tired and starving. I looked in the fridge and saw leftover spaghetti my favorite. I heated some up. Not even five minutes later, she walks in and starts yelling, “You didn’t even ask if someone else wanted that! That wasn’t yours!”
I just snapped. I told her, “You don’t even buy the groceries. Dad does. Why are you acting like you get to control who eats what?” She lost it. Said I was disrespectful, ungrateful, and that if I wanted to eat “freely,” maybe I should move out. She even told my dad I was being “entitled.” But like… how am I wrong for eating food in my house? Since then, it’s been tense. Like cold silence kind of tense. I feel like a stranger here. I tiptoe around my own kitchen. I’ve started keeping snacks in my room just to avoid another confrontation. And I know I raised my voice. Maybe I shouldn’t have. But I also feel like I’ve been treated like some unwanted guest for way too long. I’m not lazy. I help clean, I do my part. But she acts like I’m just freeloading. Anyway, I can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe I could’ve handled it better. Maybe I was too blunt. But maybe I’m just sick of being treated like I don’t belong in the house I grew up in. So… AITAH?
Comments
NTA. But dad needs to weigh in and shut that shit down. She is trying to get you to move out of the house
Stepmom feels threatened by you. She is trying to pull rank and realizes it won’t work with you.
NTA, but you will not win this and your dad will either not pick a side or pick his wife over you.
Basically, looks like you need to move out and go LC/NC with her.
Be sure to tell your dad why.
NTAH, but your father is. Why hasn’t he stepped in and confronted your stepmother? This is probably a talk you should be having with him.
NTA, but definitely talk to your dad about it. He is the only one who gets to dictate, since she’s not even putting money towards it. But yeah, she is weird, is she expecting you to starve?
NTA. when I was your age exactly the same thing happened. You need to confront her and ask her why she thinks she needs to change the way you’ve done things your whole life. Or why she is so bitter towards you. Your dad needs to be involved and you need to be prepared for him not to support you. Men suck. She may feel like you need to move out and be on your own. Which is difficult for a 19yr old, but everyone has different views.
The biggest thing is your dad will feel torn and probably support whatever she says. I dealt with it and my dads and my relationship became very strained until he divorced his ex 10 yrs later. .
NTA. That’s your home. Your dad provides, and you’re his kid. It’s completely unreasonable for her to gatekeep food like that, especially when you’re not doing anything wrong
NTA. She’s doing her best to make you feel you don’t belong and shove you out. If she’s blocked in the food front, she’ll try another tactic.
NTA What you’re feeling is completely valid being made to feel like a guest in your own home is heartbreaking and exhausting. You’ve shown so much patience, and speaking up for yourself doesn’t make you disrespectful it makes you human. You deserve to feel safe, welcome, and respected in your own space. Keep holding your ground, and please don’t doubt your worth.
YTA. Like it or not, she is his wife. It is her house also. She should not be deleting what you eat, but as his wife, the house and everything in it is hers as much as his. Yes, you are being disrespectful.
You need to speak with both of them about the expectations and how to move forward. Ask for a time that the three of you can sit down and talk. But it is her house, too. You do not have to ti like her, but you do have to respect her.
I understand it’s hard to see your living situation change. This is a difficult process which needs to be addressed with care.
It’s not decisive, but are you sure your dad pays for everything and she’s not contributing? I pay for half of everything in our household but I’m pretty sure my partner’s adult children living with us don’t have a clue about our finances. (They themselves also pay a bit since they’re adults.)
But what is most important is that the three of you find a way to live in peace. Sit down and talk. Who does what in the household? What are the rules? What food can be taken without consideration for others and what food cannot?
She obviously shouldn’t expect you to ask for permission for a slice of bread. Yet, it sounds reasonable to not eat leftover food or ingredients for dinner without asking the people you life with whether you can. This especially applies if she does part of the cooking (and plans for it).
So, all the adults need to sit down and discuss food in the house so that everyone is on the same page. Some people meal prep or make planned overs, and yes, you’d be a jerk if you ate someone else’s lunch. But other households are first come, first serve. There isn’t a universal answer as to what is right, but everyone in your household needs to agree on how cooking duties are split and what to do with leftovers. I don’t know what the right answer for how meals and ingredients are split up, but you are three adults and you all need to have the same expectations. It sounds like SM is coming from a different place from you and your dad, but you are all adults and need to discuss expectations. If your dad bought you special cereal that you saved until later in the week, and you went to enjoy it and it was all gone because she had eaten it, you would also be a little frustrated. Again, everyone needs to sit down and get on the same page.
You need to have a talk with your Dad. Hoping he will say something without you telling him your side of the story may not work. I hope you have at least a party time job. You need to start saving up for a move out.
She is the AH.
Why is that if a dad marries a woman after a divorce it is 99% a controlling stupid b..ch?
Have you talked to your father yet? If so, he is allowing her to treat you this way. This is on your dad to correct his wife.
I am sorry you are going through this. All I read was that you are a young man, going to school to better himself. You do chores & help around the house. Your step-mom feels threatened by you.
She is providing your dad with sex.
He can’t give that up?
Step-mom is a nut job.
NTA
Don’t ever feel bad about speaking up for yourself. It’s sad that people feel like raising your voice or not choosing the precise word negates your whole argument. You didn’t jump to screaming, but lost your cool after being harassed in your own home by a woman who’s no better than a stranger. Don’t. Be. Sorry.
Your dad is the one who needs to shut her down. I’d be asking him why he let’s her treat you that way. If he doesn’t back you up, then I’d be planning my exit and reducing contact with him. I hope he does the right thing, but prepare for the worst.
This needs to be something you talk to both of them about calmly. It’s possible that the left overs was someone’s plan for a meal. You should sit down and ask exactly what the boundaries are on food. I can tell you that both of my adult children live at home and I let them know what I don’t want them to eat. Everyone has their own shelves and no one takes anything from someone else’s without asking. They buy their own food, though, because they have always had jobs. Communication is key when living together as adults.
NTA another nasty step parent and bio parent who isn’t stepping in. Hope you can have a good talk with your dad and he gets that crap under control.
Focus on school, do well, don’t let the stupid stuff distract you.
Dad and step mom are TA, you are NTA. Dad 100% needs to put her in her place, you have been there longer.
NTA…But your dad sure is. Why is he not taking care of this situation? I don’t know who does what in your home, but you should be allowed to eat the food that is provided for you.
Step mom clearly does not want you living there. You need to have a chat with dad about this situation. And he needs to set down the rules/expectations of all those living in the home, and/or everyone needs to agree to respect each other or tell dad that when you do move out, you don’t know what kind of relationship you both will have if he continues to let this happen,
NTA.
What is Stepmom doing everyday? Why isnt your father being your parent? Can you talk to the school counsellors that you are denied food at home and what resources they have to offer?
You’re an adult in the house. Are you contributing? How do you know she isn’t contributing?
When you see leftover food, do you know if someone has planned that for lunch?
I don’t think you need to ask for bread, but this does need to be discussed. If your stepmom hasn’t ever lived with children, so to speak, this may not be something she is used to.
Sit down and discuss this like adults. You telling her that she doesn’t even buy the groceries is childish, because you don’t know how they handle finances. This can be worked out with an honest convo.
NTA, she shouldn’t gatekeep the food and the snacks. They are for whenever lives there and she has no right to decide.
However, you mentioned leftover spaghetti, did you cook it? If not then usually its polite to check who its been left for.
NTA
She wants you out of the house so she can take over the way she wants.
Sit down and talk to your dad. Maybe record some of it so he doesn’t think youre exaggerating. Ask him if he thinks you should have yo ask for food in his house.
NTA.. maybe ask dad for a father daughter date and then have a heart to heart. My daughter covers a lot of ground when we have them and I feel like I know everything about her.
Honestly, as a guy it’s a little much but she feels closer to me and I feel like I did good trying to listen to it all
YTA for using AI to write this and not even bothering to edit out the tells. “So…”
NTA
Your dad needs to step in. He needs to explain that it was your home long before hers, and if she wants something just for herself then she needs to buy it and let people know it’s only for her
It’s your home. She’s new to this shit. Your dad needs to tell her that she needs to layoff. Or get a job and stfu.
Wow, I really hope your dad is on your side, your stepmom wants you out and that’s her way of pushing you out. In the meanwhile, can you get a dorm size fridge put it in your room maybe even a microwave however you need to have a very big conversation with your dad and I really hope he’s on your side. If not, maybe you can show him this. I’m sure he has an idea of what’s going on but some people like toavoid.
It’s so rare that a step parent actually wants what’s best for the kids, it’s mostly all just resentment and low key abuse.
Well, who made the spaghetti?
INFO
Why get mad?
Why not just play her game, but do it better?
“Why are you eating that? You didn’t ask!”
“Well why are you putting your leftovers in my dad’s tupperware?”
“Who told you that you can use the bread?”
“Well who told you to store your bread in my dad’s pantry? Maybe next time you should label your stuff!”
Start making your dad deal with her. If she jumps you about making a sandwich, call him, right in front of her and ask him if you can make a sandwich.
You only make yourself look bad by yelling. You can get back at her by being petty and coming out looking like the better person.
NTA
Nta but the solution is ask Dad. Dad, am i allowed to eat the food I’m the fridge or do o need to ask permission? If you’re allowed, she can shut up, if you aren’t, well now you know it isn’t your home, just a house you’re allowed to livr in
Show your dad this post…
NTA. One thing you don’t mention is whether she does this in front of your father. If he doesn’t know how she is behaving, then all he knows about the situation is whatever SM tells him, which will obviously paint her in a good light.
In any case, he needs to be involved. If he already knows and ignores the issue, it’s time to start looking at alternate living arrangements.
Ask your dad if you stopped being his child since remarrying?
NTA – she is trying to push you out and I can guarantee you that she is talking shit about you to your dad. You need to have a serious sitdown conversation with your dad regarding her hiding food and how she’s been treating you when you do eat food that is in the house. You could always buy a mini fridge for your room that has a lock on it for your own food.
NTA, but I think when everyone living in the home is an adult, the rules around food can be a bit different.
My mom and I live together, and I would never just eat her leftovers, and she would never just eat mine.
Snacks and stuff like bread are a bit different, but it is honestly kind of rude to eat someone’s leftovers without talking to them first.
NTA! It’s YOUR house too!!! You need to talk to your dad asap. I’d be livid if my spouse told my child they couldn’t eat.
Time to move out. It’s going to be hard. The sooner you do, the faster you’ll be doing better.
The only reason i would ever get mad at someone for snacking is if i was making dinner for them. Sounds like she’s trying to get rid of you. She probably thought you would be out of the house sooner and is now trying to speed up the process. I would talk to your dad and tell him how she is making you feel while in your own home. She’s most likely already been talking to him, so be prepared for him to defend her. Keep your cool and get your point across.
Wow- she does not want you there. She is being passive aggressive with the whole food thing. She married your Dad when you were 17 and probably thought you’d be going off to college and now you are going to be there for the foreseeable future. That’s what this is. She isn’t interested in you or getting to know you because she wants to be alone with your Dad. In a way I get it. Three is a crowd and she thinks you are 19 and shouldn’t be living at home. I don’t think it’s right the way she is treating you. Is there anyway you can live at college and have that experience?
NTA but your dad is for letting her treat you like an outsider. She may be his wife but you were there long before she was. Hope your dad realizes what’s really happening before you walk away and don’t look back. Good luck.
Where’s dad in all this?
NTA of course. Don’t deal with her, deal with your dad. She’s gatekeeping food & he needs to step in.
Updateme
Nta. I would sit down with your dad and ask for help moving out because you no longer feel welcome. Show him how serious you are and how uncomfortable his new wife makes you. Let him know once you move out that his is welcome in your home even if you are not welcome in his.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you can document stuff with your phone. She’s going to make stuff up and lie to your dad.
IMO, you need to view this as a roommate. You say dad buys groceries, but if they are married…. No. They are hers just as much as his. You and I might not like that, but the reality is you are roommates with a married couple.
I think you should sit down with your dad first and share your feelings, not shitting on her but sharing them.
But…I can’t say who is an ass because there’s one point of view. I get really upset if my partner eats food I had planned to eat. Is it possible to just sit down with her and share how you feel, and ask how you can work together? Tbh, it’s reasonable for her to have her own feelings, and your length in the house does not override that. If I moved in with a new roommate who ate all the good snacks immediately or ate my leftovers, I’d be pissed.
Again- I have no idea what the truth is here. The only way to move forward is to communicate. Your dad is allowed to move on with his life, and if they are married, it is HER house and HER groceries too. You are an adult, and you can decide- with your dad- what to do, including moving out. I’m just being real.
Your dad 8s the problem. He needs to shut her down. You should come 1st
Please talk privately with your dad. Tell him how you feel and how you’re being treated. Continue to help around the house and not leave any messes. Perhaps he hasn’t witnessed her meanness.
Maybe she thinks at age 19, being an adult, you should be contributing to the food costs. The three of you need to sit down and talk.
You should talk to your Dad about it. She sounds like a tyrant and her actions completely out of line. Hopefully he’ll side with you, his child. This is your home too. The fact she is causing you to feel uncomfortable in your home is terrible! If anyone needs to go, it’s her.
Updateme
You need to have a talk with your dad and start recording how she acts when he is not around
She’s trying to run you off. You need to have a conversation with your Dad. NTA.
YTA because it doesn’t sound like any of you have had an actual conversation about this – you expect one thing, she expects another, and you are just arguing while waiting for dad to fix things
NTA, this is all in her plan to get you to move out. That is her goal, and has been for some time. Obviously your father is allowing her to do this, so I would start planning to leave as soon as you can. Don’t forget to tell your father that HE allowed her to drive you out of your home, over LEFT OVER FOOD!
NTA to push back, but talk to your father. In private. Find out where this attitude of hers is coming from.
If your dad stands up for you, you’re good. If he takes your stepmother’s side, consider finding somewhere else to live. You don’t need the stress.
NTA. Definitely have a sit down conversation with your Dad. This is going to be a tough one. Let him know ahead of time this is going to be an adult conversation (man to man / heart to heart so to speak). And I hate to say this, but start drawing up plans in the event you might have to move out. Just prepare yourself physically and mentally/emotionally for a worst case scenario. Though it may be the worst thing to happen now, in the long run, it will be one of the best things to do instead of being stuck in a home that isn’t welcoming to you. Best of luck
NTA
However it’s her shitty way of not so subtly hinting for you to move out. I wouldn’t be surprised if your dad also felt this way but is letting her be the bad person.
I feel you will need to use ab ultimatum where he either corrals her behavior and you two live civilly with each other (but still dislike) or he loses you as his child and you bounce and go NC
I would talk to your dad since he is the one that does own it and ask his opinion.
Based on what is said, NTA. I’m wondering if there’s other things going on.
INFO: Stepmom was upset when you ate that piece of bread. And she gatekeeped cereal. Does she have celiac disease and is required to avoid gluten? I can see this happening if you are eating the gluten-free foods that are for her if you can eat gluten.
Basically: are there dietary restrictions at play here?
If there aren’t, stepmom is clearly an AH. If there are, that changes the dynamic a lot and it would be understandable her getting frustrated with you for eating the limited (and more expensive!) foods that she can eat.
You’re 19. Are you paying rent? Paying for any of the groceries? If not, then yes, she has more claim to the groceries than you do. She’s your father’s wife. He might earn the money, but the items that money buys are as much hers as his.
It sounds like she puts all the food in the house and you eat whatever looks good to you. Can you figure out a better way to make this work?
Updateme
NTA. I’m a stepmom, and if there’s something that’s for me, it has my name on it. I mark it as mine. My lunch for tomorrow or my special chocolate. I also try to let everyone know if something is an ingredient, like ‘hey these blueberries are for blueberry muffins I’m making.’ I’m open to sharing sometimes if asked. Your SM is being super weird and immature.
She can get in trouble for denying food. I would talk to social worker if your dad ain’t gonna listen maybe be a counselor at school
NTA. You are a legal adult, but you are also a child in your fathers home. You are entitled to eat the food within the household and no need to walk around eggshells.
Be more confidant. Take ownership of the home, it’s yours too. Whenever she speaks, ignore her. Her words only have as much power as you give them.
If she’s hiding the food? Contact your father, every time – Dad, can you get some X? We’ve run out again. Or Dad – Linda locked away the peanut butter again, can you pick up some more? If she wants to hide food, let her. She can only hide so much before it comes Weird.
NTA. She’s giving Meredith Blake. You were not angry enough.
As someone who lived through this with her own stepmonster, if your dad is open to conversation, talk to him. If not, cut your losses, move out as soon as you can, & drop it. My dad wasn’t willing to have that conversation unfortunately, & bc he chose his wife over me, I haven’t spoken to him in almost 15yrs, & he doesn’t know his grandchildren. So it comes down to what kind of environment you are willing to keep in your life.
Leftovers are completely different than anything else in the fridge or pantry. We’re married for 33 years, I wouldn’t take leftovers of something my wife prepared for herself, or from dining out, without asking.
You are in the right here. Especially if your dad is paying for everything. Remind her that you live there too and you were there first. Don’t let her control you. Talk to your dad. But, remember that your dad wants a peaceful house too and that means keeping the new wife happy too.
You need to have a calm respectful conversation with your father. And then both of you with the step mom!
If your dad doesn’t deal with her start making a plan to leave. I will never understand how a parent can let someone treat their child like this?!?! My son is 19 and will be living with me and his stepdad till he finishes college and can afford to be on his own. If his stepdad gave me any guff about this HE’D be gone! Evil woman will reap what she sows
YTA. Yes, she does own the groceries. It’s HER house and you are the dependent child. She got the title homeowner when she married you dad.
Bummer, you don’t get along with step-mom, but get over it or move out.
NTA. She is. This happens more often than not with “new” selfish wives. Your dad has raised a good son. I don’t know many 19yo that would clean, do their part, without being asked or harassed. She’s out of line. You’re his son first and it’s not like you’re dead weight. I hope your father has a Trust bc if something happens to him, she’ll leave you homeless and w/nothing. SHE is the AH.
What you do is that everytime you need something you ask your dad. Bread? “Dad is it ok that I take a slice of bread?” Hopefully that will drive him mad enough to see how stupid it is
NTA. I would have raised my voice and then some. I’ve dealt with this and stood my ground. You should tell your father exactly how she’s making you feel. He should be protecting you. I was thrown out on my ass at 19 and I was far from ready. I turned out successful, but it took a very long time!
Your fathers position on this situation is pertinent.
With this limited info I say NTA.