32(m) for context I have been with my partner now for 8 years. Initially her and mum got on reasonably well until things took a turn around the time we had children.
They just about tolerate each other when in each others presence but at the drop of a hat things can take a turn for the worse and ill end up having to pick a side. The vast majority of issues stem from my mum offering up unsolicited advise when it comes to our children. She will often correct their behaviour in front of my fiancée much to her annoyance! Now, I don’t mind the advice as I know it comes from a place of love.
AITA for keeping them apart? My mum often asks to come round to the house I always make excuses to ensure she can’t. I keep them apart to make my life easier really AITA as it does have an impact on how much my mum gets to see her grand kids and I understand that family is important.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
32(m) for context I have been with my partner now for 8 years. Initially her and mum got on reasonably well until things took a turn around the time we had children.
They just about tolerate each other when in each others presence but at the drop of a hat things can take a turn for the worse and ill end up having to pick a side. The vast majority of issues stem from my mum offering up unsolicited advise when it comes to our children. She will often correct their behaviour in front of my fiancée much to her annoyance! Now, I don’t mind the advice as I know it comes from a place of love.
AITA for keeping them apart? My mum often asks to come round to the house I always make excuses to ensure she can’t. I keep them apart to make my life easier really AITA as it does have an impact on how much my mum gets to see her grand kids and I understand that family is important.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1, me keeping my mum away from my fiancée and my house which stops her from connecting with my children
2, the action stops my mother from having a strong relationship with her grandchildren
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA for not keeping them apart tbh. Your duty is to stand up for your partner and shield her from in-laws boundary- stepping.
YTA for not setting a boundary with your mother about her interference in raising your kids.
NTA for keeping them apart, but you need to tell your mom to back off with her unsolicited advice and support your wife.
NTA you are making the right choice, always back your wife 100% of the time, especially when it has to do with your children. If mom doesn’t like it, tough cookies, she’s not a point of authority in your household, she is extended family and a guest when she is there, she doesn’t get a say.
It’s fine to offer some advice (even unsolicited), but it has to stop at the offer, if your wife says “Yea, thanks, but we got this.” or “We aren’t doing that” it’s the end of the discussion. If mom can’t respect that, then mom doesn’t get to see the kids, plain and simple.
INFO: Have you told your mom that the advice is not welcomed by your partner? Maybe the solution is that simple.
You need to tell your mother that under your roof, she is not to correct the children or offer advice. Under her own roof (why isn’t it possible for you to take them to visit her?) she’s welcome to set her own rules for everyone’s behaviour, including the children.
YWBTA if you went directly to cutting her off rather than trying to solve the problem – and deciding at one time to support your fiance and the other to support your mother isn’t addressing the root of the problem.
YTA. You pick the side of the person you took vows with, and you tell your mother to mind her place.
Tell your mother she’s not allowed in your house. Take your kids to her house. Her behavior is unacceptable.
NTA for the question you asked.
But!!
>Now, I don’t mind the advice as I know it comes from a place of love.
This doesn’t sound like your stopping your mom or telling her off. Your love your mom, off course. But the rest of the world has a lot lower tolerance for her interference and boundary stomping.
Maybe ask your fiancée how she would like you to react.
If my partner gave that kind of mental shrug with a “that’s just how she is”, (which is how this comes across) I would be beyond pissed.
If you have any suggestions for parenting, discuss then with your partner. Everybody else can shut the f*** and stay in their lane. So in my eyes, you’re a massive AH for not having shut her down ages ago
Kinda TA in respect to not standing by your wife and telling your mum to stop. Advice should only be given when it’s ASKED for. Otherwise it’s unwanted and can come across as interference.
Also, as a mum myself, whenever I was just randomly given advice without asking for it, I always felt like I wasn’t doing it good enough or doing it right and that put a strain on my mental state.
Consider how your wife feels, and tell your mum to stop with the unwanted advice.
YTA but not for the reason you think.
There is no side to pick here. You and your partner are parents and supposed to be a team.
Your mother offers unsolicited advice to your partner – read criticism – on her parenting. This causes conflict. It doesn’t matter whether it comes from a place of love or dislike. Your partner is frustrated because you clearly don’t back her up.
My advice is not to keep them apart but start supporting the mother of your kids. Verbally. Obviously.
“Mom, we don’t need parenting advice please.”
“Mom, please don’t correct the children when we – the parents – are right here.”
Privately “Mom, the reason I (yes I) don’t invite you around is because you keep correcting Jane and I don’t like it. It makes me uncomfortable.”
“Mom, if you continue to behave this way then we will be leaving/ ask you to leave.”
Stop supporting your interfering mother and grow a spine and support your partner.
Get a babysitter, then sit them down and talk. Tell them how to feel. How their behaviour is affecting you and your children. Then back up your wife. “Mum, I love you but we don’t need you advice. You did such a good job raising me that my wife chose me to marry her, now it’s our turn to raise decent people in our own way. Please do not interfere or tell our children off when we are present
You gotta pick a side. Just keeping them apart is only stopping the immediate fight, if you’re still letting your mum see the kids and try to teach them the opposite of what you and your wife are showing them at home the problem still exists.
Tell your mum that you understand that she’s trying to help but blatantly going against you and your wife’s parenting decisions is only causing problems so she needs to chill or risk you going low/no contact.
YTA for not sticking up for your wife by telling your mum to not give unsolicited advice. You hit the nail on the head when you said you keep them apart to make your life easier. These people are your family. It’s your job to nurture good relationships with all of them. It might be uncomfortable setting a boundary with your mum but it’s for the benefit of everyone involved
NTA
You’re doing your best to manage two important relationships that don’t mix well. If your mum and fiancée clash often. It makes sense you’d want to minimise the drama. Protecting your peace and your kids’ environment doesn’t make you the bad guy.
You’re not stopping your mum from seeing her grandkids entirely, you’re just trying to avoid unnecessary conflict. That’s not cruel, that’s being realistic. Constant tension in front of children isn’t healthy either.
Advice: Consider setting some clear boundaries with your mum. Let her know she’s welcome to see the kids, but only if she respects your fiancée’s role and avoids unsolicited corrections. If she can’t manage that, it’s not unreasonable to keep visits separate. You’re not choosing sides, you’re keeping the household calm.
YTA….”I don’t mind the advice knowing it comes from a place of love”…..
It does not come from a place of love when the person giving the advice or correcting the child’s behavior in front of a parent that they know is upset when your mom does that. Mom is knowingly poking the bear.
And this is why there is conflict. Number one, your mom is not respecting your wife. Number two, you allow it to happen.
It is not that you have to separate them, you have to start enforcing your wife’s boundaries when mom and wife are together. Stick up for the mother of your children.
NTA for keeping them apart but you are for not challenging your mother. Your fiancée should be your priority now.
Support your wife OP. Don’t ever choose your mother over your wife
Yta did your mother give birth to your children? No she gave birth to a spineless schmo that “doesn’t mind advice because it comes from a place of love”. Your wife keeps the peace despite your mother inserting herself and youre still here saying it’s both their fault. It sounds like your wife is tired of the mamas boy shit and I would be too.
NTA for trying to keep the peace.
But E S H for having multiple children with this woman and THEN deciding to marry her.
Yta for not establishing boundaries and standing up for your fiance. Unsolicited advice from ILs is torture . It makes you hate your partner a little bit every time it happens.
NTA.
You’re very wise to keep the 2 of them apart.
Less drama.
You handle your own mum.
Don’t let your partner have a need to tell your mum off.
You can bring your kids over to your mum’s place.
Then your partner can go paint her nails, or go for massage, or just contemplate the sounds of the nature.
YTA because you allow your mom’s behavior. It doesn’t mater where it comes from it’s wrong. By you not stepping in and correcting your mother you are causing this break in their relationship. You are also making sure that you kids won’t be as close to your mother as they could be. By keeping her and your fiance apart she’s going to have less access to the kids.
YTA for not acknowledging this is YOUR problem.
NO, you shouldn’t keep them apart.
You need to set boundaries with your mom on her trying to parent your kids. You might not mind the advice (by the way, it’s not advice if she’s actively parenting…she’s DOING, not advising), but your fiance, (aka the other parent to your children) is strongly against it. You NEED to pick her above your mom when it comes to parenting.
If you do find validity in what your mom says, then express that to your fiance, not ‘my mom is right’ but ‘I’ve been thinking about how we reprimand the kids when they do xyz and I feel this way about it….’. YOU BOTH are the parents, you absolutely do not invite a third person to co-parent.
Please talk to your fiance, find a parenting class or read some books about how NOT to involve grandparents into your child-rearing.
To be clear again, YTA.
NTA But you’re going about this wrong. You’re trying to prevent or minimize the issues by using physical distance when you should first be communicating. Talk to you mom and set a very clear boundary that she is not to give unsolicited advice on your children. Make it clear to her that, if she violates this, you will have no choice but to keep her away. Tell her you have already been doing this (so that she knows you’re serious and makes the connection) but you’re giving her a chance to mend her ways. Lastly, you mentioned taking sides. You must always take your partner’s side, at least publicly, and be a united front.
Don’t know if it makes you an AH, but you need to iron this out now. You – since you’re the one who brought these women into eachother’s lives.
You need to sit Mom down, and tell her that she needs to back off. You know she’s doing it out of love and a desire to help, but she needs to remember that your wife didn’t come to her and she has to remember that she’s not her daughter and doesn’t have the history with her that you do. Once there are partners involved, you’re dealing with someone besides your child who changes the dynamic. If you’re not terrible it’s a little sad that you need to watch and say what you do around a relative in a way you might not have before, but that’s the price for getting a Grandchild, Niece or Nephew. She has to let her find her way, and only offer advice if it’s asked unless the baby is about to put their finger in an electric socket.
Coward