I know that heading sounds ridiculous and funny to some but it’s a real concern to me.
I hate talking about abuse but I made this account to work through the influence of my history of sexual abuse so I want to be open.
I was unfortunately sexually abused in my childhood by two different people. I was groomed and abused for years and simultaneously in two different environments by perpetrators who didn’t know each other. The relevant one was my caretaker abuser who was a woman in later 20s and I was 11 at the time. She used my severe parental neglect, my lack of friends and support and said the line that is beating my ass “it’s because you are harder to love” Sounds goofy in English, almost cartoonishly evil but it lands better in my native tongue.
That was the groundwork that set the basis for her abuse, framing herself as the sole exception. The only one who would actually love me. And little old me was so deprived of love that, the hugs, kisses and the predatory consolation in between or during was a warm memory to me because a part of me was glad that for the first time I wasn’t easier to pass over, to ignore or move on from. She wasn’t nice… She insulted my body, broke my confidence still doing the sole savior gimmick. She made me believe I was inherently disposable.
Years later even after I survived… I am haunted by her comments and the way I view myself is still pretty bad. I have had work done… I have healed so incredibly much I am so proud of myself. But my bodily insecurities throughout my life expanded into something concerning. Yes a size insecurity on top of every other insecurity. This insecurity wasn’t even realistic I am 5.5 in length bone pressed and also 5.5 in girth. But this worry ate up a whole year being depressed. I started scouring reddit and came across both positives and negatives.
Positives were the good perspectives that made me feel better and resources to work on myself such as books on female anatomy and self help.
Negative was the normal answer to men with size insecurities… The suggestion of dildos. Which lead me to spiral even more because in my healing I wanted sex to feel safe again without comparison, without the standards that put me down intruding in it in anyway.To not be reminded… I am not sure it’s about being enough… Maybe it is but idk. Because I know I am not big right and in my head… Someone might definitely crave a fuller experience and I am not sure I feel secure enough to be okay with it. My heart rate is erratic even as I type this and I often feel sick when I try and work through scenarios by myself with some AI help as well.
My desperation comes from my need to please… I am good in bed, I am good with my fingers and mouth and all I have gotten is compliments but… Not being able to do something, not being able to comply is eating at me. Because I want to drive every woman crazy in every single way and I think I am too damaged to do that. I guess I am not fearful of sex toys I am okay with vibrators and clitoral stimulators just not dildos.
I Don’t wanna deprive someone I meet in the future. I am not sure if I need to break this barrier down by force or just respect it everything feels like a loss. It feels like something I need to do to you know… Make up for things I lack but it makes me sick.
I am so sorry this was so long.
Comments
You don’t have to get over anything. You get to be your authentic self that has been through a great deal. You are good enough without having to do anything more or different. Someone that loves you and sees you, will accept all of you. Own who you are, learn to accept all the things about you, and know that you never have to change or alter yourself to please anyone else!
You don’t have to get over it, IMHO. If someone you are in an intimate relationship with can’t understand why this is not among your preferences, then they probably aren’t the right person for you. I have been intimate with multiple partners, and I don’t like “toys” – and none has rejected me as a result of stating the preference to not use them. It’s about respecting your partner’s history and finding ways to love them in ways that make them feel safe.
Think of trauma as a protective part of you that feels a threat in any of the ways that connects to the trauma that you’ve experienced.
When you try to find a way to heal that trauma, the trauma part freaks out, thinking that you will be in danger if you find a way around it. So it creates a fear of something seemingly unrelated, but not.
So let’s slow this down… Every single part of you, even the ones that feel destructive, is trying to protect you and sometimes protectiveness is harmful. It can be protecting you from other parts of yourself. It can be protecting you from others.
I wonder what would happen if you recognized that you deserve to have a pleasurable experience too. That your purpose in sex isn’t just for your partners’ pleasure, but yours as well.
Please check out Lindsay Braman’s CPTSD Wheel of Symptoms. It’s a way for you to track how your trauma is living within you. I hope that you can find a therapist to help you through this – to have more support and understanding of what you’re facing and dealing with. Also, healing is relational – we learn more about ourselves in relation to others.
C-PTSD Wheel of symptoms
I’ve been on the opposite of this. Where my need for toys was shamed, because I can’t orgasm normally. No amount of licking or fingers or self play can do the trick. So while I understand the fear for toys, sometimes its good to be able to compromise. Remember, you have a right to say what goes into your body and what does not. Just as your partner has the right to ‘want’ a dildo in them.
Perhaps a good exercise would be to order one and let it lay in your cupboard. Look at it sometimes and know it can’t do anything to you. As there is no one ‘behind’ the dildo. Its just an inanimate object. When you hold that stupid thing in your hands, it is YOU who hold the power of it. Whack it with a hammer and shame it if you have too. As that thing will never hurt you as you wont allow it to hurt you. It can’t climb out of the cupboard. And a partner who respects you wont ever suggest using it on you, when you have set your boundaries clearly.
All the best and much love to your journey!
I’m responding to this as a woman who is more than comfortable with my toy box.
If my toys make you insecure then we are not a compatible choice but it’s not because of the toy. It would be the underlying insecurity and the intention to place limits on a partner rather than work on that internally. I want to be extremely clear that this is not that and you would somehow need to make that clear. And that’s asking a lot I know that.
That said you don’t have to get comfortable with anything. A desire to please and be a giving partner should not eliminate your inherent boundaries. I wouldn’t recommend exploring those boundaries with a partner unless there is profound trust. It won’t be a straight progression if introducing toys is a journey you choose to take with a partner
Now I’m going to address the difficult subject. Size matters. You guys all suspect it’s a lie and it is and it isn’t. It does matter but the thing is not the way most men think. One size does not fit all so it matters in the same way the size of your shoe matters. The answer is not getting a bigger and bigger size shoe. It just might not fit. Human bodies come in so many varieties. Bigger is not always better and it very much depends on the person. And the match doesn’t have to be perfect. Here’s where you’re willingness to experiment comes in handy because the more there is a physical mismatch the more skill becomes a factor