i don’t even know where to start. i’m 24. i have a toddler. i’m married to a man who’s 26 but honestly acts like he’s still 18. we’ve been together a few years, and ever since the baby came, it’s like i’ve been a single parent. yeah, he lives with us, yeah he calls himself “dad”… but let’s be real he doesn’t do dad things. i wake up with our kid. i do the feedings, the baths, the playtime, the tantrums, the sleepless nights, the doctor visits. every. single. thing. i do it all. i haven’t had a full night of sleep since i gave birth. you know what he does? scrolls on his phone, plays video games, “takes breaks” because “work was stressful.” bro, i don’t get breaks. my job is 24/7 and i don’t even get paid. and before anyone says “have you talked to him?” yes. i have. so many times. i tell him i need help. that i’m drowning. that i feel invisible. and you know what he does? either says “okay” and changes nothing, or flips it on me like i’m the problem. like “you’re just tired” or “you’re being dramatic” or “you always nag.” but the other night… i just couldn’t take it anymore. it was 2 a.m. the baby was crying. i was up trying to soothe her after already being up at midnight. i was exhausted, my whole body ached, and i just… broke. i woke him up not even yelling, just desperate and said, “can you please help me? i can’t keep doing this alone. she’s your kid too.” and he literally sighed, turned over, and said, “then maybe you shouldn’t have had a baby if you weren’t ready.”
i swear to god i stood there shaking. like what did i just hear??? did he really just say that to me after everything i’ve been doing? and here’s the twist his mom found out the next day. i guess he told her some twisted version of the story where i was “attacking him in his sleep” or whatever, and now she’s calling me out, saying i’m “too emotional” and need to “let a man rest.” excuse me? i haven’t rested in months. she said, “men don’t do well under pressure like that.” oh, i’m sorry, am i not under pressure too? now i’m being called ungrateful and dramatic. and he’s walking around the house like he’s the victim because i “woke him up aggressively.” like i didn’t literally beg for help because i was at a breaking point. so yeah. now i’m the bad guy. again. i don’t even know anymore. all i did was ask my husband to help me raise our daughter… AITAH?
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NTA. You should probably consider separation. You can do bad all by ourself.
NTA but you need to wake up and realise if you stay in this relationship? You have two children. The child you made together and the man baby who is acting like an overgrown toddler.
The reality is? He has made it clear he won’t change and has ran to mummy to defend him. He’s made his stance clear. If you stay? You are accepting this.
PS: It will be A LOT easier to simply parent one child than the two you already are.
This sucks im sorry. NTA
Read the title, immediately NTA. I grew up in a culture where mothers are expected to take on the parent role much more than fathers do (much more than western culture). Grew up with a single mom, saw how she struggle. I’m seeing how she’s restlessly struggling now with my step dad who could do more to help out. You’re not wrong for asking for help for your shared child. It’s your right to get a break too. You do so much and you deserve rest mama. Your kids will grow up and appreciate the things you do ❤️
Leave him, you don’t need two babies.
You’re doing it all by yourself anyway so just pack his bags and show him the door. Atleast that way you’ll get child care money from him and you don’t have to listen to his bs anymore. Double win
NTA Why’d you get married? Why’d you have a kid? Way too young I tell my daughter not to have kid til 30 (I had kids early…unplanned) and live her life, build career, etc
Your husband sounds like just had a kid cause it’s what your supposed to do anc his mom
Prob told him too
Hopefully should get better as kid gets older but have to take a long hard look at if this is what you really want
Also check to see if child getting enough and the correct food / nutrition as to why waking up and crying
Yep that’s fucked. Your stuck. Leaving him makes it worse too. You leave, life make it’s more complicated and more shitty. Sometimes it’s better to just deal with it. You can pursue ‘self empowerment’ but that doesn’t always work. He needs to have a self realisation event. That should come when his parent dies. Some people develop late, if they have problems from other stimuli early, it changes the parameters. Life sucks. Sometimes it sucks early, either way it sucks or it will sucks. It’s how you suck it.
Hey girl. Trust me when I say you will be so much happier without this man child. He is never going to change.
You are NOT out of line in any way, but I wish I had solid advice for you.
However, I will say this. I have a hunch your husband did not tell his mother the truth, that you have not had a break from caring for your daughter since she was born, and that your husband–her son–does nothing to help. You said yourself that he probably gave her a twisted version of the story.
Since this lady is your husband’s mother, she knows what caring for a baby is like. She just might be able to knock some sense into him.
There’s so many stories like this on Reddit and I just can’t understand why women keep having babies with these man babies…
NTA for the question you asked but you’re a massive A H to yourself for having a child with someone so useless!
I’d really be rethinking the relationship – sometimes it can actually be easier to be a single parent than to be a single parent with a partner to look after too.
I have 4 children, only one is a toddler right now (the surprise baby). And from the bottom of my heart; f this man child. My 3 year old is still wanting to breastfeed and I’m tired beyond all reason but if I asked my husband to help me, he would help me. We are in this together.
I am a 58 year old woman. I have four adult daughters. I got married in 1990. Tbh, I think most people had marriages just like this as did I. I fell into the same pattern you are in now. Except that was 30 years ago. My husband did nothing and did not bond with his children. In addition, I was the primary wage earner as a registered nurse and i worked 50 or more hours per week. I literally worked myself into a nervous breakdown and I left my husband. We had a set of twins and as newborns he wouldnt even lift a finger while i was working full time. One night like always they woke up for a feeding and he sat up in bed and said, ” can you quiet them down!” I still remember just being livid. God forbid he loses his precious sleep. One day I called his mother and told her I’m out of here. She was literally in love with her son so she was ecstatic. Guess what she moved in and I moved out with the kids. I grew to resent and hate him. We had a nasty divorce. He tried to get alimony from me and not pay child support. He then fought me for full custody of the kids he did not like and barely acknowledged just to hurt me and not pay child support. The kids had no bond with him or their grandmother and are no contact even as adults. He blamed me for his nonexistent relationship with his kids.
Now my girls are married and I have one grandson. He is so active with his son. He cooks, cleans, and does everything. They both work full time and share jobs equally. That is a modern marriage that has a great chance of lasting.
Being in a one-sided marriage is like pit that is never filled. You’re grinding your gears and the gears are your sanity and wasted energy. I’m now remarried and have the type of relationship I always wanted.
Your husband is your partner in this not another child. Nta
2 am is not the best time for that kind of conversation. Also, vague ideas on help aren’t going anywhere. Come up with some specific things for him to do and tell him what they are.
NTA. Leave. Him. NOW. This is unfixable. This is who he is. He will never, ever change.
THIS IS WHO HE IS. FOREVER.
NTA. what I will say is he likely needs specific direction. “Help me more” is probably too much for his brain to work through so he doesn’t bother.
Give him a set task to do each day that will make your life easier – I had to do the same with my boyfriend. Things like load the dishwasher, sterilise the bottles, make up todays feeds, do the washing (only one at a time and then he gradually did more). It will take some weight off you and it’s one less thing to worrry about. You’ll get there, you’re both learning
Clarification – is he the father of your child?
Here is what you do. You tell him that you are going out for a few hours by yourself. (Pre arrange meeting up with a friend) You will be back when you are back. Let him know no one is available to help watch the baby so he has to do it. Point to where the diapers and food are, then go somewhere to relax or even take a nap.
The show up a few hours later and see how he did. Sometimes they have to be thrown into it. Then be proactive. Be clear with expectations. Make a list.
My son is 27. Things are not always obvious to young men. Even though you should not have to, ask him to sit down with you and create a tasks list.
For example, give him 1/2 hour to decompress, then you get a half hour to decompress. Then request that he do things like laundry, dishes, pick up toys. Play, do the bath. You may have to show him. I know it sounds ridiculous to have to show him, but that is how they are. They do not know how to ask what you need. It isn’t that they don’t care, they are just oblivious. It is irritating as heck.
My son still needs a list from me if I want his help with something that would seem obvious to a 7 year old.
Good luck.
Yet another woman who completely dismisses everything the guy does, expects everything around the house to be completely 50%/50% even though she’s not doing 50% of the work to bring in 50% of the income, and judges him to be a layabout loser just because he tries to actually relax for a few hours once he’s home. The ‘job’ of a SAHM is not hard, you just thought it’d be a walk in the park. YTA and STFU.
As someone that’s been there… it truly is easier alone. Leave. Now. Take him to court for support. Get a lawyer that will work with you in a payment plan if need be.
That’s not a marriage, a good solid man would be there by your side, honestly you need to pack how bags and kick him out, ensure you get child support.. you will see with time as a single parent you will survive and come out the better one..
Ew. This man does not love you or his kid. Get yourself out of that hellhole and at least you won’t be carrying the weight of an unsupportive relationship while you’re continuing to be a single parent. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.
Divorce this piece of human garbage and just get child support.
Best of luck on your inevitable divorce, hopefully sooner rather than later.
Take him to the cleaners, ma’am.
NTA. Your husband is an asshole, and a terrible father, and a terrible person. You’re gonna need a good divorce lawyer.
Do not listen to all this “get a divorce” crap on reddit. Being a single parent AND having to work, pay bills, worry about literally everything is MUCH MUCH worse. Why is your toddler still waking up at night? You say you haven’t gotten a full night sleep since the baby was born. Have you consulted anyome about toddlers food need? Also sounds like you are a SAHM. You say you “dont even get paid” you get to spend time bonding with your child, a roof over your head, everything provided for you. Yes children are stressful. Mothers arebthe ones that take kids to doctors, deal with schools, playdates, most husbands do not do that stuff. Do you go out of the house? Go visit people, find things to do? Visit parents.
Nta.
If his gonna act like this, then this is what you’re going to start doing, op.
You’re going to stop cooking meals for him, stop doing his laundry, stop picking up after him, and stop acknowledging him.
When he gets upset about it, just tell him that maybe he shouldn’t act like a lazy ah if he wasn’t ready for the conscious.
I never say “divorce him” but…
Divorce him.
Take his money. Let go of his dead weight.
You’re young, you’ll find someone you deserve.
In the meantime, what would change?
You have 2 kids and one of them hates you.
Wake up.
The only thing you can do is divorce. He’ll be forced to do his half of the childcare on his custody time and then you’ll get a break. He is point blank telling you he will not change. You do not fix this. Divorce.
Is the stress you feel worth it?
Voice of experience, he won’t grow up unless he’s ready.
Yes, hard to do it solo but aren’t you already doing it solo? Likely easier to find other parents in your shoes and help each other out. You can build a community.
ESH. Him for his attitude and absence, and you for having seemingly so much trouble with no job and just 1 normal sounding kid.
Stop procreating with losers.
Correction: You have 3 kids.
This is a dick comment and it’s too late for you but for anyone else.
THINK VERY HARD ABOUT WHO YOU MARRY AND HAVE UNSEXY CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM ABOIT CHORES AND CHILD RAISING.
NTA. You married a man child and despite the popularity of Sabrina Carpenter’s song of the same name, it’s the worst kind of partner to have especially if you have children.
As someone who was with an abusive man and had an entire breakdown, it’s easier to just be on your own. Sure, it’s stressful and a lot to deal with, but it’s easier.
Your husband won’t change. And why should he? He’s getting everything he needs and wants. He doesn’t care enough about you to help. Read your post. Tell me, how are those the actions of someone who claims they love you? And since he wants to calk his mom and have her yell at you, you should call your entire family and tell them what’s going on. Or you can just ghost him. Disappear. Have someone serve him. Only talk to him through lawyers and parenting apps. But definitely see a lawyer.
He’s not your teammate he’s your opponent. Kick him out, that will either put a rocket up him or confirm his laziness!
Nta.
You need to leave. You’re already a single mum anyway.
Updateme!
No way your husband showed the maturity to be an active father before you got pregnant. You should have protected yourself, so he’s right that you made the decision to have a child. NTA for asking for help, but YTA for expecting it would have gone another way when you woke him up.
Leave. It won’t get better. You’re already on your own. You can spend the next how ever many years like this or you can cut your loss. The simple truth is just because you’ve been with him for so long doesn’t mean you need to kill yourself for him. Your daughter doesn’t deserve to believe this is normal and grow up to have the same relationship.
NTA. The only things this man brings to your relationship is stress and (presumably) money. Dump the stress and apply for child support.
Alternatively, pick a Friday and drop the kid in his lap for ‘10 minutes’, and once you’re out of the house, text him ‘tag, you’re it for the next 48 hours’.
Stop asking him to help you, that frames things as him doing you a favour. Tell him to be a dad instead of a deadbeat.
I commend you for not dashing water all over him when he said that to you when you asked for help. Take him to the cleaners call out his mom for raising such a wet wipe, don’t stand for this anymore
Well he’s a mommy’s boy, that’s the core issue. Find a new man honey, learn from your mistakes.
Listen im not usually quick to tell people on the internet to leave their husbands but that may be your only option. He’s already proven to you that he doesn’t think he should have to do any child rearing and isn’t willing to change or help out in any way, shape, or form as he doesn’t see it as his responsibility. You should not be willing to stay with a partner that doesn’t care for you in the way he should. I’m sorry op but he’s dragging you down far more than he’s helping.
Time to find a job or a family member who let you stay with them. There should be something that can help you if neither is an option. Even a homeless shelter that will help you access government housing.
Hes made it clear hes not going to change. You’re already doing it alone, you’ve got this. But it’s time to make it permanent.
NTA- Their are people who want out of a relationship, but don’t want to end it. It sounds like this is where you are. He wants out, but would prefer to play the victim role and let you remain the villain in the story. He is pushing you in every way to leave.
The environment you are currently in is not good for your mental health. Dig deep and find the strength to do what needs to be done for the betterment of you and your child.
I live by this quote: If you aren’t changing it, then you are choosing it. I found this during a dark time where things seemed bleak. It took time, but I changed things and now I only chose things that bring me joy.
Updateme
My wife would have left me long ago if I treated her the way your man treats you, unfortunately being a dad entails making a few sacrifices (at least they are only temporary!!!). He isn’t a dad at all, I don’t see how you don’t snap every time you hear those words leave his mouth. NTA!!
If my son EVER had the audacity to come running to me complaining that his wife woke him up to help with their child…..I’m literally getting the belt out
NTA but he isn’t ur husband, he’s a second child. I bet his mom has no clue how he’s actually acting.
NTA. You lost a hell of an opportunity to slap his face violently when he said that to you.
Your marriage won’t last long.
There is research that shows single mothers get to relax more, than the married ones. Just so you know.
NTA and please, leave him, don’t show your child this is how a father or a man should behave.
NTA
Step back and be quite. He will pick up the lines. The more you tell them what to do the more they do the opposite.
They don’t like you to tell them what to do and they don’t like hints too. You just do you and he will begin 🤔👀
Girl to girl, I know divorce isn’t easy and I’m sure you’re not ready to leave. So I will say, if you need to stay with him that’s fine but do not under any circumstances let that man get you pregnant again. Because he will try to. Avoid sex as much as possible but he it’s unavoidable, take the pill. Do not rely on him to use condoms.
Nta
What are you waiting for? Divorce. Get child support. Get help from family and eventually a real man.
AI account
YTA for having a child with him. Your child deserves so much better than you two.
Divorce
Get a divorce. You will either get full custody and with it child support and spousal support, or you’ll get split custody with less child support and still spousal support.
Either way you’ll only have to take care of one baby, and you’ll be able to get a babysitter or he has to take care of the baby and you’ll get rest.