I (daughter) was admiring a plaster molding that my mom and her only grandchild (my niece)had made of their hands together. She said, “yeah I really love it too, I wish that I could do this with my other grandchild” (she only has 2 kids: myself & my brother. My brother only had 1 child and I have had zero children)
I asked her how she had 2 grandchildren/ what she was talking about and she said, “your (me) miscarriage!” I said, excuse me? WHY would you bring something like that up? (I was 3 months along & my miscarriage is something deeply personal and private to me. I never bring the subject up to my mom. It’s something I forgot about long ago as it happened 20 years ago!!)
She said, “well, it’s my grandchild. I’m not gonna forget about my grandchild and I can talk about my grandchild if I want to!”…..
Keep in mind we have never talked about this after it had occurred 20 years ago. She had never brought it up until now and she just randomly chose to bring it up right in front of my nine-year-old niece and that’s something really deeply personal to me. Not only that but that could’ve caused my niece to ask me about it and then I would have to explain to her when I shouldn’t have to explain any of this to her, it shouldn’t be anybody else’s business, but my own.
Am I the asshole for telling my mom that she’s ridiculous and shouldn’t casually bring up such a sensitive and private topic?
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I (daughter) was admiring a plaster molding that my mom and her only grandchild (my niece)had made of their hands together. She said, “yeah I really love it too, I wish that I could do this with my other grandchild” (she only has 2 kids: myself & my brother. My brother only had 1 child and I have had zero children)
I asked her how she had 2 grandchildren/ what she was talking about and she said, “your (me) miscarriage!” I said, excuse me? WHY would you bring something like that up? (I was 3 months along & my miscarriage is something deeply personal and private to me. I never bring the subject up to my mom. It’s something I forgot about long ago as it happened 20 years ago!!)
She said, “well, it’s my grandchild. I’m not gonna forget about my grandchild and I can talk about my grandchild if I want to!”…..
Keep in mind we have never talked about this after it had occurred 20 years ago. She had never brought it up until now and she just randomly chose to bring it up right in front of my nine-year-old niece and that’s something really deeply personal to me. Not only that but that could’ve caused my niece to ask me about it and then I would have to explain to her when I shouldn’t have to explain any of this to her, it shouldn’t be anybody else’s business, but my own.
Am I the asshole?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Sensitivity is not your mother’s strong point.
Having made the initial error she should have quietly apologised and moved on, not doubled down.
NTA. It’s really odd for her to bring it up now if she has not done it in last 20 years. Did something changed medically? Dementia? Aggressiveness ? Has she been getting regular medical check ups ? You may need to sit down and discuss how you are still hurt by it. Some wounds never heal. If you have strong feeling then please consider therapy for yourself. Hugs to you.
NTA – What an inappropriate thing for your mom to say especially in front of your niece!
She is allowed to feel however she feels towards the miscarriage but her choice of language in this situation was awful.
NTA. What an odd thing to say, especially after so much time.
NTA
It’s one thing from mom to bring it up randomly as it occurs to her… It’s completely another do double down on it.
NTA.
NAH
You lost your child in utero. It is painful to think about that loss.
Your mother lost her grandchild and she thinks wistfully of what might have been.
ugh i hate how moms can be sometimes. like yeah, she might’ve felt something too, but that doesn’t give her the right to turn your loss into her story, especially in front of a kid??
you’re 100% right for calling it out. it’s okay to protect your peace, even if it makes other ppl uncomfortable.
This is a difficult one. Because you are completely valid in how you feel!
But…. Your mother also lost her grandchild. I guess she had been thinking about that baby quite a lot after having a live grandchild and blurted it out unthinking.
I will go with NTA. Your mom is an AH for doubling down, for sure but the first comment, I don’t think she meant to say it out loud. And now you have the whole issue with the niece. I would’ve judged your mom as NAH if she had realized the weight of her comment, tried to apologize and done damage control with your niece but because she didn’t she is definitely the AH and not you.
NTA / I have seen older people do this sort of thing and it’s often a symptom of dementia
NTA
Your miscarriage is deeply personal, and your mum had no right to bring it up publicly; especially in front of your niece. Grieving is one thing, but blindsiding you with something so sensitive after 20 years, without ever having talked about it before, is inappropriate.
You weren’t wrong to walk away. Set boundaries if you need to. Some topics aren’t hers to claim or share.
NTA but wow. Does your mother often hang on to grief like this? Not to diminish your loss but like you said, it was 20 yrs ago. I’ve got to wonder if she has said she had two grand children to others in the past, and then noted one was a miscarriage, to get sympathy. I suspect she does since she did it so naturally. Has she be exhibiting other strange behavior? She might need to be checked out.
That’s weird. Is it possible your mom is having some memory issues? Could she have been confused the past and the present?
Is this kind of behaviour usual for her?
NTA. I want to say this as gently as possible to not be an AH myself… I think I could see myself saying something like that to my daughter. Not to hurt her but to let her know I remember and honor her own experience. I would worry that talking about my grandchild and my adoration for that little person might make her feel minimized after suffering a loss. I would never say that if I knew it would hurt her, and certainly impact beats intent but I hope she would tell me that it hurt and she did not want me to bring it up so I could apologize and do better in the future.
The first thing that springs to mind is dementia. I’d keep it in mind if I were you
I read another post on here days ago from someone in the opposite situation. She’d had multiple pregnancies, none to term, and wanted her mother to acknowledge those as grandchildren, and that she had been a mother, even if her children aren’t here. And was frustrated her mother only acknowledged her niece as the only grandchild.
Honestly, it’s personal on how you want to handle it, and everyone handles it differently. NTA.