Background info that I did not know until recently – in the Catholic Church ANYONE can show up to the wedding ceremony. Churches are open. Doesn’t matter if you’re invited. Idk how it works in other religions but I hate this lmfao.
So basically, I am MOH in a wedding of my childhood best friend (26F). I’ll call her B for bride lol. We’ve known each other since we were 2, grew up together, blah blah all that nice stuff. The wedding is the first week of September.
My parents divorced when I was 6. My father has untreated bipolar disorder, anger issues, and is a recovering opioid addict. Fun! Anyway, he is finally almost a year sober, which is really exciting. But ikyk. And if you don’t: being around an unstable person when you personally are stable is terrifying, because you live in constant fear that something will set them off and start back at 0.
Anyway, he saw my friend B periodically in middle school, maybe once or twice in high school, but now not in 10 years. He used to be close with her parents, bc we grew up in the same neighborhood, but he kept the drugs and the outbursts and my mom kept the friends.
Anyway, all throughout my life he’s been hounding me about whether or not my mother (55F)moved on. She met her current husband when I was 15. I lied every time my dad asked though because I was terrified of what he might do. To himself and to them.
Anyway, it all came to a head last year when he found out she got married. He called me screaming that he was going to put the guys head through a wall, etc. again, fun! He tried to sue my mom for back child support, saying he wouldn’t have paid it if he knew she had a boyfriend. So I didn’t speak to him for months.
Now, I finally have my dad again, and things are good. But he is very hurt that he isn’t invited to this wedding, and feels entitled to an invitation. His daughter is the MOH. My mom and her husband are invited. I did not tell him that, but he assumed. He said he is going to the church to see me, and he doesn’t need an invitation to go. For the past two months, he’s brought it up everytime I spoke to or saw him. And then made a snide remark of “well am I even going to be invited to YOUR wedding?” (I am not engaged). He assured me he won’t “punch out ‘that guy.‘“ But I have been sick to my stomach over this. It keeps me up at night. I can’t tell anyone involved with the wedding, because as he doesn’t seem to realize IT ISNT MY WEDDING. I will not do that to B or anyone else and burden them with my stupid (truly stupid) problem. Having him show up uninvited would be embarrassing to say the least. But it would ruin the whole ceremony and day for me, having to worry about whether he’ll behave.
I just want to throw up and cry. I’ve been so excited to see the most important person in my life get married to an amazing person, and he’s just ruining it. I can’t be excited. I just got my dad back, but barely.
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You need to tell B, if she’s a good friend she’ll understand and help create a strategy to manage him during the day. Preventatively the two of you could sit down with him and let him know it’s a fixed guest list, limited seating, etc so that there is no space available for an extra guests at this point.
If there truly is a real physical safety concern, then if may he worth hiring security for the day(they can go undercover and dress as another wedding guest).
If you’re worried about your father destroying your friend’s wedding, then it is very inaccurate that “things are good.” If your relationship with your father hinges on not giving your father any reason to ever react badly to anything, then it’s only a matter of time before that happens. You haven’t actually “gotten him back” if he’s ruining your ability to enjoy this joyous time with your close friend.
You should absolutely 100% definitely tell your friend about your concerns. They need a strategy in place to handle the likelihood of your father showing up and making a scene no matter what you do. They should start by talking to their church about the problem.
Churches are open, but can you have a big menacing bouncer “discourage him” from coming in?
You should give a heads up to the bride and groom, because you don’t want them to be unprepared if he does show up.
Does he even know when and where?
Hide his keys? Hire a private security guard to watch the door for him? Separate from the church and don’t make the couple pay? It would only be for like an hour I would think?
You’re right, that weddings in a church are public events. In fact, it wasn’t uncommon for people in the congregation to attend a wedding of someone in the church even if they weren’t invited and it was considered a show of support.
As an aside, this is how in movies, the ex will show up and when the minister asks if anyone objects, a/he will stand at the back and say “I object!”
You could try a last “heart-to-heart” with your dad and explain how important this event is to you and you don’t want him to be there as it will be very awkward for you.
Even if he agrees today he could change his mind the day of, so how to handle it?
You need to assign someone, eg a large male friend who isn’t a wedding guest and ideally has worked as a bouncer/security guard/armed forces to be at the church and on the lookout for your dad. If your dad shows up, your enforcer needs to sit directly beside him in the pew. If your dad starts to fuss, he needs to be immediately removed. Perhaps the Priest should be alerted to this possibility. Maybe he’ll have a better solution.
Tell your friend for sure. And consider stepping down from the wedding party—then he won’t have a reason to go.
Personally, I’d get a PPO. Then he legally couldn’t go.
i think you need to tell the bridal party, so they can warn the ushers etc of what to expect if he does turn up. I know you’re trying not to spoil your friend’s day, and that shows what a caring person you have, but if he does come, and they aren’t prepared, the bad outcomes could be much worse, than them knowing in advance and having warned some of the ushers that they might need to ask him to leave if he creates a scene. I bet the priest knows a million strategies for how to handle unwanted guests in his church.
You can try to persuade him not to come, but you can’t stop him. Churches are public places. But I’d probably point out that he hasn’t seen her in 10 years, and its her day, not yours – is he really wanting to come for the right reasons if he wants to see you? Would you also be able to talk to him about how he’s remained in a better place recently but will it help him to see those reminders of hurts he’s had previously – how will that affect him mentally?
You can’t prevent him from coming to the ceremony, but do what others have said. But the reception is another story, I assume it is not at the church, have guards at the venue to keep him out.
Tell him a different day and time
Honestly? Your mom and/or her husband should have a restraining order against your dad.
And you should drill down that this day isn’t about anyone but your best friend and HER FIANCE. And remind him that he has never met this dude.
I think that when I retire, which is probably two to three years from now, I’m going to start a business called “Bruises On Demand”. You specify what kind of “security” you want–Irish, Italian, Russian, Black, Hispanic, Asian, Middle Eastern, etc.–and we provide. Skilled people who understand that they must, in the words of the late Patrick Swayze, “Be nice–until it’s time to not be nice.”
Seriously, though–Ask the bride and groom what they’d like to do. If it means paying for a security guy or gal to “dissuade” your father from entering the church or reception, do it. It beats wearing yourself down to a frazzle worrying.
I hope the wedding comes off without incident.
I am so sorry you are going though this.
Maybe the best solution is to offer to pay for security for the wedding. I assume the bride knows your situation and you can say to her that you want to make sure her day is perfect and you feel this is necessary to ensure that the day runs smoothly for everyone. Then security can intercept your father if he turns up and you wont’ spend all day fretting over your father and ruining your best friend’s day.
Restraining order time! Somebody that unhinged must be kept from this wedding, even if they need to hire security..
Does he have a friend who can bring him camping or fishing hours away?