What would you do in this situation? Yesterday I had brought up a discussion with my boyfriend and I told that I felt like in terms of the romance part of our relationship (dates, surprises, etc) that he doesn’t take the lead and I feel like I am the one always putting in effort there. Whenever we have a date night, I’m the one planning the details and such and he just shows up. It would feel nice for him to do the same so the burden isn’t on me all the time. I also told him that I would loved to be surprised with something every once in a while. I know he’s in a tough financial situation because he is helping his struggling family at the moment so I told him, “I know we don’t have much money but these things don’t have to be a grand gesture. I don’t mind a drive/walk, a surprise handwritten note or even flowers off the side of the road. It’s more of the effort.” As soon as I tell him that, he stonewalls me and when I ask what’s wrong he goes on to flip the script on me (not the first time) then tries to say that I only complain about these things when he has no money (mind you this is my first time bringing this topic up in our 5 year relationship) and I don’t complain when he does have money. I told him that money is not my main concern with him. I make more money than him, never once asked him for money, and was with him when he was unemployed and even helped his family sometimes monetarily. It hurts me that he thinks this way of me and is just now telling me this AFTER I bring up my feelings with him. It honestly makes me want to leave him, but I love him too much and it’s a bittersweet feeling because he painted me to be something that I know (and I know he knows) that I’m clearly not, to fit his narrative on why he has an issue with me. What you guys do in this situation ?
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My Brother in Christ, there is no gold to dig.
But also, is this recent or did you wait years to bring it up?
It’s one of two things. He’s either lazy and doesn’t wanna put in the effort/doesn’t respect you and thus is trying to turn around your very valid requests back onto you. Then he doesn’t have to take ownership of admitting he’s not willing to put in any effort to make you feel special.
Or it could be that he feels insecure about his money and is a horrible listener and is just thinking about his own financial insecurity.
The fact that you two have been together five years, tells me it’s the former . You’ve normalized his complete apathy in your relationship and he’s attacking you the moment you bring it up once gently.
Go be with someone who actually likes you.
Eventually he may start doing darvo- deny attack reverse victim order for all sorts of things btw. Why do you want to be with a man who reacts so immaturely he stonewalls you when you say something really reasonable and give clear advice?
Is he so hot you don’t mind planning everything, being the only one who communicates, the only one that listens? Would the goal be to have kids? You want kids like that and a family that treats you like that?
Why do you have such low standards for how you should be treated? Your gut is telling you this is wrong. That’s your ancestral female line, it’s fed up. Lol
When your relationship expectations don’t match those of the person you’re with it’s absolutely fair to reevaluate the situation and make a move if you don’t think you can ever be happy this way. But maybe it would help to not use phrases like “we – don’t have much money”. You’re not married so it’s not like your combined assets are legally mutual. You might also remember that “indirectly” means this was probably more about your inference than about his implication. If he’s someone who generally lacks imagination just the word “date” might mean to him something different than it means to you.
Wow. Ok, what’s love got to do with it? He doesn’t even like you. He certainly does not respect you. Stop being the people-pleaser. Find someone who is like you. Stop feeling sorry for him. If you take one insult, you’ll take more in the long run. Girl, please!! There are better men out there. After all you’ve done and you are the gold digger. Smdh. When it’s bizarre like that…it’s a red flagged problem. Red flag meaning patterned awful behavior. Run.
It’s not about the money. It’s about being seen, about being made to feel special and important. It’s about being validated and appreciated.
And you’re not getting any of that.
I don’t know how this dynamic between the two of you got built, but once you started doing everything, he’s had to do nothing but show up. In a very real sense, you’ve trained him to expect you to do all the work.
And you’ve probably started doing all the work because the BF either didn’t do it, or was lackluster about it?
Maybe partly it was on you too, for thinking that “at least if I do it, it gets done” or “at least if I do it, we go somewhere fun and not just do the same old thing every time” right?
You two needed to have this conversation, it sounds like it was a long time coming.
But from the way he reacted – did you feel it was dismissive towards you or the relationship? Did you get a sense he may have lashed out because he’s overwhelmed with everything else on his plate? Did you get a sense of anything else?
At the end of the day, you’re both 25. If you feel that this relationship has run it’s course and there’s nothing left to salvage, get your ducks in a row and break up. Be as amicable as you can, but make it clean.
If you feel that there’s something left to salvage, suggest therapy or counseling. Someone neutral who knows how to engage with young folks trying to figure themselves and adulthood out without judging them.
It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of emotional weight from feeling unappreciated and dismissed… which can be incredibly painful when someone you love doesn’t seem to see your needs or efforts, but I get it, relationships are hard and communication is key.
It shows he’s not willing to hear your side out, so why would you want that trait in a partner? You showed your understanding towards him, but he’s not doing the same thing for you.
tell him if you were a gold digger, he wouldn’t have a chance with you at all. he needs to have gold first in order to worry about gold diggers. too many broke guys watching red pill content think any woman who want them to put in efforts in their relationship are gold diggers.
We always break up with guys that call us gold diggers.
They are almost always broke ass dudes with no gold.
AND it is a massive red flag and sign of disrespect/contempt.
You deserve better than this loser.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like a great relationship. You’re being taken for granted and when you air a legitimate complaint, instead of hearing you, he just tries to make you feel bad.