Hiii, me (23F) and my boyfriend (27M) have been dating for over a year now. I’ve always known that he has female friends and of course I have to accept (and even support) it. The thing is: everytime I know he will be with a girl friend, I get really nervous and when later he tells me what happened and etc, I start to feel really bad and sometimes get into a discussion with him, that I dont want to hear anything about it. Honestly I just feel like crying and I can’t really explain why.
Sometimes, I really don’t care. Other times, I get really anxious about it. One time, my bf told me when he had lunch with his friend she told him (joking?) that she didnt know he had a GF and thought it was a date, after she noticed my boyfriend’s ring (we both have a compromise ring). At the time I felt like I didn’t really care, but with time I started getting more jealous. My boyfriend has a lot of friends, and he has some charm that I know girls like, he has had a lot of girlfriends. I don’t have a lot of friends, and at the time no male friend. The other bf I had, I was not jealous at all, even though I liked him, I think I trusted that he would never leave me for anyone. BTW, with male friends I dont get nervous but depending on the day I do feel jealous of them.
I know it is wrong to be like this, I just wish I knew how to stop it, for both me and my bf and also our relationship’s health. He often tells me if I font want him to go I can say so, but that makes me feel worse, that I sound very controling and unstable.
TLDR: I get very nervous when my boyfriend goes out with female friends
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These female friends were in his life before you were. Meaning that if there was any attraction on his part he’d already be dating one of them and you wouldn’t be around at all. Men with female friends are often more attentive to the idiosyncrasies of women, much like men who grew up with sisters. So it’s plausible that a lot of things you like about him are in part to the credit of his ability to be platonic friends with women. But if you need a more acute reason to stop this, it’s that no one’s going to stay in a relationship where they’re constantly being doubted and accused of things they’re not doing. Trust is an essential part of any relationship and if you’re lacking that you’re just not with the right person.
I guess… maybe I’ve been focusing too much on my own fears, and not enough on the fact that he might just enjoy their company for different reasons than I think?
The only red flag I see here is that one of his “friends” though they were out on a date. If they were any type of friends why wouldn’t she know he had a gf of over one year?
Coming with someone with some irrational fears myself:
Don’t let your boyfriend offer to stop seeing his female friends.
Because I can promise you based on what you wrote, that it will not be enough. You will feel safe and secure for a month, a week, a day, and then you begin to worry again. What does my boyfriend do when he’s doing X, or Y.
I don’t think there’s any real advice to give here beyond you perhaps seeking a way to either gain more self esteem/confidence, or to find a professional to help you get through this.
Don’t compare yourself and your own friends to your boyfriend’s friend circle. Most people have very few friends compared to the people that have a lot of friends, and your boyfriend sounds like one of those people. That is totally okay.
It is normal and healthy to have friends of the opposite sex.
You need to look into why you are viewing these other women as competition straight off the bat. You’re going to twist yourself into a ball of anxiety and unnecessary stress.
In an ideal situation, you would want to get to know these ladies and make a good impression on them, just as you would his male friends.
And what is a compromise ring?
Some people are fine with it… and others dont like it. I think it’s a compatibility issue. My husband and I share friends. I have no desire to hang out alone with another man.
In the past, I’ve thought a few men were my best friends… until they tried to kiss or have sex with me. Especially after my divorce. Men, my ex-husband, and I had been friends with for 20 yrs. It just gives me the ick.
It is healthy to have friends of the opposite gender. You must deal with your own insecurities if you want this relationship to continue. You might want talk to a professional in this regard.