Hey guys, I’ll explain the title. Basically I’m dating this girl now, we used to be friends but we hit it off. While we were friends, I would hear about all these hooks ups and flings and stuff. She’s very sexual, so the other day when she told me she wanted to wait until marriage, after all that, it kinda felt off. I never expected sex, Im more inexperienced than her. It just felt like she had all her fun and now with me she’s gonna practice chasity is odd.
Anyone else have experiences,will I be the asshole for thinking this is weird?
edit: just as a follow up cause there’s a lot of opinions. anyone saying she owes me sex or is a whore will not be taken as seriously as the folks telling me to ya know, talk it out. I just wanted an idea of if people experienced this. I’m not lashing out for no sex, if anything, Im usually the reserved one with this. Believe me or not, you can ask everyone I know and they’ll attest. Folks calling me an incel haven’t read the post so there’s 2 sides of oddness here. Bottom line is i’m gonna talk to her, but she’s busy atm
edit: My girl is a loving, compassionate, good hearted, attractive women. She’s had a hard life as an immigrant’s kid and absent dad. I love her for her, any comments calling her “used” and any comments calling me an incel, on a one paragraph post, is not being taken seriously. actual advice, thank you , it means a lot. i’m not building an arsenal to argue with, i just want perspective
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Nta but you should talk to her about it communication is key in scenarios like this
she wants to have sex. just not with you.
NTA but my husband and i did something similar. we were both sexually active before getting together, and made the decision to become celibate until marriage once we got back into the church. as someone else said, communication is everything in this. maybe she has a genuine explanation or reason for wanting to do this!
NTA. You’re right, it’s kinda odd, and I’m excited to see others’ takes on this! But isn’t communication key here? Like, what’s her reason behind the sudden change?
Nta. She’s for the streets. Now with the wall approaching, has to settle for a “beta” like you. If she found someone she is truly attracted to, she would give it in a heartbeat.
Get yourself someone that truly likes you for u.
Bro… if she can f someone else but not you… and she’s making rules for you… you ain’t it…
When you recognize how easy women make it for dudes they actually want… you wouldn’t tolerate this behavior.
NTA.
Why should you have to wait & pay for admission when others rode immediately for free?
It’s odd and a massive red flag. Leave her right now
Are you really gona stick around and work your ass off and be forced to marry her when she fucked lawd knows how many doods and all they had to do was buy her a drink?
She is da lulu. Get out of there bro.
I see your perspective, and wanted to offer mine. My husband and I actually just talked about this last night! I had partners before him, they left me feeling used, got what they wanted, moved on. When I met my now husband, I REALLY liked him. He was everything I wanted and I feared he would be like the previous men who used me and moved on. So, to protect myself I decided to make sure he actually wanted me and not just sex. I caved after awhile and we did not wait for marriage to have sex…. But I’m glad we waited a while. However he expressed how it made him question if I was really into him because other men had me… but I made him wait. It was because I learned my lesson and didn’t want to lose him because I actually wanted him…. So be flattered. I’m assuming your girlfriend is protecting her heart and body and wants something real with you.
She got an std or she can’t have kids
NTA, but this is a huge red flag. Many women actually do this with nice guys (like you). Find someone who didn’t give it all away for free to every other guy but makes you wait because suddenly she is very traditional. It is a form of emotional manipulation and it will only get worse from here. Don’t pay full price for discounted items😂
You aren’t the one she wants.. you’re the one she wants to settle for. She knows you will tolerate it.. so she made it an option. I’ve seen this happen many times with the “safe choice”
NTA. Run fast and hard. Toxicity to the max
Is it for a religious reason?
As a woman who has other female friends this is something I’ve heard before. Basically my friend was similar where she was quite sexually active with hook ups and boyfriends but she found that it didn’t make her feel truly happy. She felt that the men got what they wanted (sex) and didn’t feel like sticking around for her after. She decided that men saw her as easy and not someone to build a true connection with. After some reflection she decided she’d practice chastity and make sure she found someone that wanted to be with her for her. Not saying anything is the right or wrong way. But maybe she really likes you and feels she wants to make sure you’re with her for the long run.
Run don’t walk away. You’re her settled guy but others she will have relations with. Wake up
It’s not what happens typically. But this isn’t the first time I’m hearing this. You’re reading examples of people doing it here in this thread.
I don’t know why men automatically thinks this is an insult. It means she’s taking you MORE seriously. Not devaluing you.
Women aren’t totally different than men when it comes to sex. You get sex brain. It’s harder to focus on the person and the interpersonal connection and trust it when you have sex too quickly.
NTA
I’d probably want to go back to being friends with her or cut her off.
It is strange for her to suddenly want to be celibate with you when she was giving it up for every guy she liked. If she was truly attracted to you, then sex wouldn’t be an issue and she wouldn’t be creating these ridiculous “rules” around your relationship.
I would definitely talk to her about it and find out more about WHY she wants to do this.
Honestly I wouldn’t expect things to last.
I’d bet she has some dude on the side she’s banging but looking to settle with you because you likely make more money than any guy she’s been with and / or you bring stability to her life. She would marry you, have kids with you but then soon as those needs are met she’d be banging the bad boys again.
Run to the hills. If you two end up being sexually incompatible a dead bedroom marriage will hurt more than help.
That like buying a used car and not test driving it. It not a new car either!
There a lot easier ways to have sex then marrying someone. She just marry trapping you. No reason for it.
This is fake, or you’re going to have to grow a pair
Nawh. She is weird asf or is having some regret issues.
She has more experience than you which suggests she has been sexually active in the past. Why would she then make you wait for marriage but let a bunch of guys have fun with her?
Insulting asf.
If she was a virgin I’d tell you to suck it up cuz you have a winner; but in this instance I say “run”.
NTA. She might be using you for money
That is a definite, huge red flag. As someone said recently, girls make rules for guys they don’t want to be with, and break rules for guys they do want to be with. The whole point of modern engagement is to find out whether you are going to enjoy living with that person. If arbitrary rules like that about something so important come up before you get married, with the sex dangled like a carrot for when you’ve got married, there’s something else going on underneath that even she may not be consciously aware of. But it’s not going to end well for you, whatever it is.
And the fact that she’s had a load of fun with other guys FIRST and now she wants to be celibate until marriage with you, she sees you as security, not sexy. I have a feeling that once she feels secure in the relationship once you’re married, sex will gradually dry up to the minimum she thinks she can get away with – there will always be an excuse – but just enough that you don’t think you can justify getting divorced, until eventually out of frustration you have an affair, then she divorces you, and takes most of your income and assets. And you’ll wonder where the hell it went wrong. Getting married to a woman that has had loads of fun with other guys but wants to be celibate with you, is where it started to go wrong.
Here’s the thing: sexual attraction usually starts at the beginning, not after a period of time, and the fact that you were friends first points more to the security motivation rather than because she thinks you’re sexy.
Leave. This ain’t worth it.
NAH. This is a case of basic sexual incompatibility.
It’s totally fine for her to say she wants to wait. That is her right. But it’s also fine for you to say you DON’T want to wait.
Sexual compatibility is very important, and unfortunately it might be best to just cut your losses.
Banged total strangers but wants you to wait til marriage? Bet if y’all broke up she would immediately start f***ing other guys.
Women make rules for the guys they don’t want and break rules for the guys they do.
Sounds like the movie Whats Your Number
She doesn’t owe you sex because she’s had sex in the past, stop being gross.
She wants to wait. If you don’t want to wait, then break up.
Ditch her. She doesn’t find you attractive. If she is sexual but not with you, register it and move on, cut your losses.
Find a girl that can’t wait to have sex with you.
You are the placeholder boyfriend for now at best.
NTA unless there’s more context than we’ve been given, but think of this as an opportunity. Communication compatibility is every bit as important in a relationship as sexual compatibility so this is a chance to see if that part is present. In fact, bad communication can absolutely destroy even extreme sexual compatibility over time.
It’s very odd that they got it on day 1 and you have to wait until marriage. Maybe something has dramatically changed in her worldview, or maybe she’s just playing infantile games with you. Communicating this out is great practice for a future relationship though, whether it’s with her or not.
This is truly something you should talk over with her, maybe she finally realizes where she has screwed up in the past and once someone who is not just after sex, if that turns out to be the case, then don’t rush it because it will be worth it.
Many 304s do that to give the impression to a person that they think is someone that they might want to be with long term that they are a good girl. ( born again virgin ). Somehow, if you have to earn it, they are pure.
Posts like this always remind me of a woman I follow on social media: She was sexually active in her early 20s. She was also alcoholic and a sporadic drug user. When she got into recovery she became Catholic and decided sex before marriage didn’t align with her current beliefs.
Not the choice I’d make, but point is, people do change especially when they are young adults. And especially if they go through something traumatic or a major reassessment of their values.
I think you need to talk with your GF about whats motivating her changes and if your values actually align. NAH
Nope. Spreading for them but not for thee? She takes you as the simp nice guy who’s going to provide. Too late for that based on your history together.
She might actually like you…idk
Sex can complicate or cloud [some] peoples judgement/relationships.
She might have “hooked up” a lot in the past, but that might have also caused her a lot of emotional turmoil. Again idk, maybe have a talk with her and find the source of all of this. Why does she want to wait now?
i wouldn’t jump to thinking this is weird but nta for being concerned in the first place considering that you’re aware of her past. But this happens! she’s probably felt used or none/little connection with the people she’s gotten with before and wants to be smarter with you. this is how i am now. people change, grow, mature, etc. have a convo with her about it to clear the air and get some closure! you’re in this together and it’s okay to ask but be sensitive to her decisions that she’s made over her body as well.
That would be a hard no for me. Needless to say she has all the rights to wait until however long she wants to. However, to wait until marriage would be a big fat no and I’d move on. I’d have no problem however with her wanting to wait just a bit. I think like a 90 days period or so would be fair. Again, just my 2 cents.
Maybe she was SAd?
If not I’d probably consider breaking it off.
I think you should listen to the women who are answering here. Good luck! I hope you can work things out.
I’ll give you the real. I already did this, ok, for religious reasons. I wouldn’t do it again, ever again. It’s not worth it. If you don’t get along in bed, the marriage won’t be great. The chemistry of sex needs to work, especially in dating. Don’t run the risk of marrying someone who is incompatible with you.
I don’t think either one of you are TA necessarily. I know a lot of girls hookup with a bunch of people when they are young and end up feeling used afterwards, and then decide to abstain until marriage to make sure that doesn’t happen again.
But I can also see how it you feel about it, since it can really feel like you are putting in the most effort and getting the least in return from her
You are Not that hot if she doesnt want to do it with you. You know she is that kinda girl
A mate had a gf that put him in the same position as you OP. She has an STI, it was months before he found out. Not saying that’s what is happening here, I would suggest having a conversation though.
Not going to tell you to break up but what are you getting out of the relationship that you didn’t have when you were platonic? I wouldn’t be in a sexless relationship waiting until marriage personally.
It’s definitely odd but if you’re young she might have realized that over sexuality isn’t a great thing and is trying to better her image. Waiting until a bit into the relationship might make more sense but completely cutting it off once you two get serious is a little strange.
Jesus Christ, the comments on this are yet another reminder that men operate solely on lust and see women as objects only. 4B ladies, 4B.
NTA
while communicating & asking her about it is surely hard or can feel awkward, it’s honestly your best bet. i read that you were worried about breaking up over it, but i think that is more likely without communication and understanding. + if anything bad does happen between you from a conversation, it probably would’ve happened anyway without one.
to answer your question, it is not weird to think this way. your issue, from what i understand, is not that you desperately want to have sex with her or just that she said no, but that it rubs you the wrong way that she suddenly does not want to with you despite being someone you perceive as sexual. it feels weird & awkward that she did not mind doing anything with other people, but minds with you, which can even feel like she doesn’t trust you at times.
it is honestly normal to feel that this is weird, given you have no context on why she is saying this now, and it almost feels like a “switch-up” because now she is different to what you perceived.
i also read that you are going to talk to her about it, and i still believe it’s the best thing to do. i would say just make sure you don’t come off as shaming her for saying no because this type of thing is very easy to come off that way.
to address other replies, i wouldn’t shame you for coming to reddit before conversing with her, you just needed a second opinion so disregard those replies tbh. that being said, going from friends to dating is honestly difficult to grasp in terms of communication so prioritize that.
i also don’t agree with the replies shaming her, we genuinely don’t know her reasonings or feelings so it doesn’t make sense to do so. good luck with your conversation & relationship, i wish you the best.
NTA – if people want to wait for that shit, that’s fine for them. they can do the waiting without me. fuck that archaic bullshit and find someone who has adult views of sex.
Dude, you don’t wife up a woman who slept with anyone and everyone, but doesn’t like you enough to hook up.
I don’t know what everyone is on about. Leave her bro, she’s not into you.
Nta. Let us now how it turns out please?
Men put way too much value on sex, and that’s why the “male loneliness epidemic” is a thing. Y’all love to spout this bs about “self worth”, but you ALWAYS attach it to sex. Why is your self worth determined by your sexual experiences, and not something that’s ACTUALLY of value? I’m mentioning this because of one of your comments btw.
She’s not banging you because she values you more as a person, and doesn’t see you as a tool for sex. She is scared that if she does have sex with you, you’ll just dump her like the rest of the guys did. She wants you to like her for her, and not just for sex.
Also, the fact that you’re this insecure about her past, says a lot about you. Those men are in her past, why are you letting them affect what you have with her?
If not having sex wasn’t an issue, why do you find it odd that she won’t have sex with you until marriage? Also, why did you feel the need to make a post about it? It clearly does bother you, and you just don’t have the balls to admit it. Making a post on Reddit about it shows how much you care about it. Cut the “I’m not that kind of person” act, it’s fake as fuck.
Edit: YTA.
Woman here, the majority of these comments are fucking disgusting. The fact that she wants to wait means she sees something real with you, I personally wouldn’t wait until marriage but if I see myself having something serious with a guy I want to make sure he isn’t just going to use me for my body and then disappear. My current bf and I waited around 2 months and we made sure we were on the same page re: values, compatibilities, life goals etc. Just talk to her!
NTA, the juxtaposition of suddenly dropping this on you after being easy before would make me leg it personally.
Just as she isn’t obligated to have sex with you, you aren’t obligated to stick around.
Hey OP, why not try to find a gal who is more aligned and has better conviction towards her proposed morals? The best indicator of someone’s future is their past, that’s why we got credit scores, that’s why companies do background checks etc. There are other women who say they want to be chaste, have been so (for the most part), and others who maybe have a past like your GF, but won’t make you wait. If she’s gonna make you wait, but she’s done it with every other guy before, then make it equal. Don’t pay for her on dates, don’t buy her gifts, don’t hold the door open for her. Those are things you did for girls before her, you are saving it for marriage now!
I did this to my husband before we got married because he is the only person I ever felt serious about and I wanted to do everything “the right way.” I had a lot of issues before him and I got together and the flings were nothing more than self destructive mayhem.
Deep down he was probably like, wtf. But he respected it and I respected him for respecting it and now we have been married for 2 years expecting our first son any day now.
It would be completely nuts to marry someone you may have no sexual chemistry with
She probably sees you as marriage material. Either way, ask her about it with curiosity rather than judgement
Probably has no sexual intentions with you at all, but you will be a stable support and babydady. If sex is important to you, I’d look elsewhere.
Communication is the only way to find out more. And if you don’t want to do that, then it’s fine if you break up. Breaking up for lack of sex if it is a need you have, in no way will make you the asshole.
The way it should be! God placed these rules for a reason yet everyone seems to ignore this. Practice love and don’t fall into lust my friends.
She has a history. Now, for whatever reason she’s changed her outlook on life and wants to wait for marriage. The two are not mutually exclusive.
I’m pleased to hear that you don’t think she owes you sex, that’s healthier then many similar posts on here.
What you need to do is decide if you’re happy waiting, in light of your knowledge of her history and your own personal needs and wants in a relationship. If you’re not happy waiting, or can wait but are worried it will build resentment then it’s best to accept that you’re not a fit for a long term relationship, regardless of how well you get on. Making that decision sooner rather than later will be best for you both.
Often people will like or love each other, but still be incompatible when it comes to sex, morality or politics. It doesn’t mean that either party is wrong
She may have her reasons that are very valid. Talk to her about it.
I will never encourage or suggest waiting until marriage. You’ll never know if you’re compatible and it’ll ruin a marriage. NTA if you want to leave. She’s making a stupid decision and you don’t have to stick around for it. Her reason for it doesn’t really matter tbh. It’s just not a good idea to marry someone you have no sexual history with. That’s a recipe for a shitty sex life and therefore shitty marriage.
Don’t wait for marriage to find out if you’re sexuallly compatible
Tying yourself to someone for life without knowing if you’re sexually compatible is never a good idea.
Talk with her. If she doesn’t change her stance, either accept that your relationship will be sexless or break up.
You might want to consider that her previous stories may have been exaggerated to get your attention because she fancied you. Just a thought. I wouldn’t approach this conversation thinking you KNOW anything. Approach with curiosity. Ask questions and listen to answers rather than telling her what you think/assume.
lol. You’re the only one she won’t sleep with? Yikes. NTA
She may actually want to be abstinent. Wanting to finally get it right. Nothing wrong with that. Just hurts when you’re in a small community and everyone knows your past.
If you see a real future with her then you’ll have to deal and wait it out. If you can see yourself at the end of the aisle with her then communicate with her.
If not, leave her alone and don’t waste her time. Allow her to meet someone with the same mindset.
Good luck 🍀
NTA, would be a deal breaker for me. Obviously it’s her choice but once you’re no longer a virgin doesn’t make any sense to save your self. As a man I feel like it would be idiotic to now tell a women I’m actually serious about that I’m saving myself for her when I didn’t save myself for all the other women I’ve been with who I didn’t care as much about. But to each their own if you’re willing to be that guy then don’t let no one discourage you,
I’m a woman and think this is a red flag. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, of course people can reassess their priorities and values and decide to change. However, there is a big difference between deciding to wait to become intimate for a certain amount of time, and waiting until marriage.
Personally I believe that while sex is not everything, it is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. If you are someone who agrees with that sentiment, it would make sense to ensure that you are sexually compatible with your partner prior to marriage.
Finally, what are the reasons behind her wanting to wait until marriage as opposed to simply waiting a few months? Did she become overly religious? Is she feeling guilt for her prior behaviors? Was she a sex addict in the past? Regardless of the reason, the fact that she has gone to such extremes is concerning.
I’ve been with a few people who I discovered into the relationship that they had hangups or even trauma regarding sex due to depression, anxiety, or religious guilt. While of course some people can overcome these issues, they absolutely need to be dealt with- most likely with a therapist.
I’m not going to tell you to end the relationship necessarily, but in the very least you need to communicate. Find out her reasons for these changes. Access if she is being honest, and if you are comfortable with her boundaries. Keep in mind that you both deserve to be happy and comfortable. And it’s ok if you decide that this is not for you.
Waiting until marriage is only acceptable for virgins imo. Ain’t no way I’d put up with a woman I know was out “having lots of fun” and then all of a sudden wants to not put out. I mean maybe if you didn’t know about her past it would be OK but knowing she was out there jumping around just doesn’t make sense to me to put up with.
Been through this myself, we broke up. For sure talk it out but it’s gonna be a hard conversation because at the end of the day even if you express her feelings she’s gonna say it’s her body her choice which it is. From my experience the best thing I can say is, know where your boundaries are and stick to them. Don’t wait it out and get married before your ready and don’t wait it out because she’ll likely change her mind later on. Either way it’s manipulative. Talk it out and set boundaries
Doubting your “I never expected sex” comment since you are posting on Reddit about not getting sex but she did it with others. Quit comparing her past relationships with others to yours and be sure you don’t come across as she owes you sex just because she had it with others she wasn’t dating before. It is both parties choice to have sex or not, every time, even when married.
Have seen this phenomenon before (both sexes) and it tended to be that the person who had these hook-ups didn’t feel fulfilled, actually felt more like crap looking back at them, so they want to do a reset on how they see sex. They do a period of celibacy as a fast of sorts. She wants an emotional connection with someone she trusts and she has picked you. Assuming you are looking at this long term, it’s a good thing.
Do talk to her that you would like to increase your intimacy with her because you love her. Do not mention a single thing about her past, it does NOT matter. Pushing for sex because “you did it with so & so” will make you look like you only dated her to have sex and thought she was easy.
Honestly, Ive got no problems waiting so long as its consistent with past behavior.
If it were me in your shoes, Id be looking for someone who is historically more inline with my predisposed behavior and values.
If its a relatively new relationship, Id suggest you do the same IMO.
Dude, she doesn’t want to have sex…with you.
I would totally respect and even encourage a girl who never had sex to wait, if this is only happening now, sorry to tell you but you’re the problem. NTA.
She may have you in a different category than her flings. If she sees you as “husband material” she may not want to ruin your virginity.
I think it’s stupid. But. Men do this quite a bit.
Talk to her about why she doesn’t want to have sex. Then you’ll understand.
Dude not having sex before marriage was a thing to preserve virginity. If she’s not a virgin, it doesn’t count and means nothing. Drop her
The best you can do is ask her why the sudden change? If she’s been sexually active for a while and then suddenly decides not to he there has to be a catch. Could be religion, trauma, or she could be lying to you. Are you financially stable? Could be using you for a decent life while she plays on the side. I’m not trying to call her a whole, you just never really know with people. Some people are just really good at hiding their true self.