I (32 non-binary) planned a three-week trip to Europe with my brother and two close friends. We’re going to Italy, France, and Spain, mostly by train, and the itinerary is pretty active (lots of walking, early mornings, and trying local food). I have travelled with each of them before and had a great time.
My younger sister (26F) is not an easy person to travel with. She uses a walker, which makes travelling very slow and complicated, especially in Europe. She’s extremely picky (won’t eat unfamiliar food, has walked out of restaurants because the menu stressed her out), doesn’t like walking, gets overwhelmed easily, and has caused issues on past trips, including once making me miss a flight because she refused to leave the house without taking 90 minutes to curl her hair (and underestimated how long security would take to inspect her walker).
When she heard I was going to Europe, she asked if she could come. I didn’t want to say no and cause drama, so I lied about the dates. I told her we were going in August, knowing well she had a wedding that month she couldn’t miss.
In reality, we booked the trip for the first three weeks of September.
Everything was fine until last week, when she saw my brother post something on his Instagram story mentioing that it was only 2 months until Spain. She confronted me, put two and two together, and realized I had lied about the dates. She was furious. She said I was manipulative, cruel and that I excluded her on purpose.
She’s not wrong about that last part because I did exclude her, but not to be cruel. I just wanted this trip to be fun and smooth, and based on her track record, I didn’t think she’d make it enjoyable for us.
My parents are now involved. They say lying was immature and I should’ve just talked to her like an adult. Maybe they’re right. But I also knew if I had said no directly, she would’ve guilt-tripped me and probably tried to force her way in anyway (she’s done this before and I think she’s planning a trip with my parents now that happens to coincide in time and location with ours).
AITA for lying to my sister about the dates of our Europe trip to prevent her from coming and refusing to apologize even after she found out?
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I (32 non-binary) planned a three-week trip to Europe with my brother and two close friends. We’re going to Italy, France, and Spain, mostly by train, and the itinerary is pretty active (lots of walking, early mornings, and trying local food). I have travelled with each of them before and had a great time.
My younger sister (26F) is not an easy person to travel with. She uses a walker, which makes travelling very slow and complicated, especially in Europe. She’s extremely picky (won’t eat unfamiliar food, has walked out of restaurants because the menu “stressed her out”), doesn’t like walking, gets overwhelmed easily, and has caused issues on past trips, including once making me miss a flight because she refused to leave the house without taking 90 minutes to curl her hair (and underestimated how long security would take to inspect her walker).
When she heard I was going to Europe, she asked if she could come. I didn’t want to say no and cause drama, so I lied about the dates. I told her we were going in August, knowing well she had a wedding that month she couldn’t miss.
In reality, we booked the trip for the first three weeks of September.
Everything was fine until last week, when she saw my brother post something on his Instagram story about “2 months until Spain!” She confronted me, put two and two together, and realized I had lied about the dates. She was furious. She said I was manipulative, cruel and that I excluded her on purpose.
She’s not wrong about that last part because I did exclude her, but not to be cruel. I just wanted this trip to be fun and smooth, and based on her track record, I didn’t think she’d make it enjoyable for us.
My parents are now involved. They say lying was immature and I should’ve just talked to her like an adult. Maybe they’re right. But I also knew if I had said no directly, she would’ve guilt-tripped me and probably tried to force her way in anyway (she’s done this before and I think she’s planning a trip with my parents now that happens to coincide in time and location with ours).
So… AITA for lying to my sister about the dates of our Europe trip to prevent her from coming and refusing to apologize even after she found out?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I lied to my sister about the dates of a Europe trip so she wouldn’t come, knowing she had a conflict during the time I gave her. She found out the truth and now I’m wondering if lying instead of being honest makes me the asshole.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Well, you did deliberately exclude her. And you did lie about it. So yeah. YTA. (For the lying. You can go on holiday with whoever you want.)
You can’t win with some people. So do what you gotta do. 👍
YTA
Should’ve just told her up front that she’s obnoxious to travel with. If she wants to come, fine, but nobody will be changing their plans to suit her. Can’t keep up? Not your problem. Don’t want the food at the restaurant? Fine, we’ll see you back at the hotel. Taking too long curling your hair? Fine, call yourself a cab because we’re leaving now.
YTA – of course. You lack the basic decency to be honest with your own sister and to apologize for lying to her when it came out. Of course you’re an asshole, you’re also apparently a coward because you lacked the courage to simply tell her the truth and admit you didn’t want her to come and explain why.
I’m not saying you’re an asshole for not wanting her to come. You laid out the reasons why you didn’t, and while I can see why she’d be upset you at least you had solid ground under your feet…if only you had been honest.
>I didn’t want to say no and cause drama
Did you avoid the drama by lying? You should be honest with her. Stop babying her and tell her the truth.
YTA for lying.
I would say nta for excluding her. You should have been honest from the get go and dealt with the confrontation without backing out. Seems like it’s not necessarily her disability thats the main problem but her attitude.
I’m going to have to say ESH- though I get it. I would also want to take the path of least resistance in this situation.
But you lied about something that was easily found out. She would have certainly noticed when you didn’t go to Europe in August.
But she sounds exhausting to travel with. I’d call you an AH if you excluded her just on her disability, but the reality sounds more like her personality clashes with your travel style. Refusing to try to foods on a foodie trip and taking 90 min to curl one’s hair while one is late for a flight would drive me bonkers too.
Not everyone makes good travel companions. And not every trip is suitable for everyone.
YTA. You literally just chose to add lying with the drama instead of just accepting there would be drama while stating your boundaries. Excluding her by lying was never going to not be cruel
I mean yeah, YTA for not just talking to her like an adult.
YTA. You should have been honest and said “we’re going to a lot of cultural restaurants and doing a lot of walking and things you generally hate. I am not willing to change my itinerary to suit you, so I dont think you coming is a good idea.”
it might be a little mean to be honest, but it’s better than lying to her, manipulating her, and drawing out the hurt and meanness. Its a YOU problem that you can’t resist a guilt trip.
Learn how to put your foot down and stick to it, man. You dont owe her anything beyond honesty- its her problem if she can’t handle it.
YTA
You excluded her and let her make plans around a fake date and only owned up when you got caught. You are afraid of drama so you lie instead? If her disability and preferences make the trip unworkable, have the backbone to say so up front. Instead, you treated her like a child and now expect sympathy for the fallout.
I understand where you’re coming from, but YTA. You are under absolutely no obligation to invite your sister on a trip, but lying to her was childish and silly – you really didn’t think she’d find out? You should’ve just said your travel style and hers don’t match and you’re planning a certain type of trip, end of. If you were worried she’d force her company on you, then you need to learn how to use the word no and mean it.
YTA lying is bad.
You know the answer to this,; you said it right in your post. YTA for lying to her about something she was absolutely going to find out you lied to her about. Did you think she wouldn’t notice when you didn’t actually go on the trip in August????
You don’t have to travel with people you don’t want to travel with, but 32 is too big an age to be playing playground style “mean girl” games and lying so clumsily that the only possible outcome is to hurt the person you lied to. Apologize for lying and take your trip. Next time, don’t lie to avoid uncomfortable conversations.
YTA. You could have said “this specific trip includes the majority of activities you have steted that you do not like. I think that you would be miserable and I would hate to ask you to waste your money. Maybe after this trip we could plan something to a location and activities you would like better”
But no, you lied and now are like “AITA for lying?”
Yta
YTA because you lied to her.
I’m in agreement with your parents. You should have just talked to her like an adult. You should have just been honest with her about the dates of the trip. You should have gently told her that this was a trip for you, your brother, and your two friends, and then stood firm if she tried to guilt-trip her way into joining her. She isn’t owed an invitation on your trip just because she’s your sibling. She’s allowed to feel hurt that she’s left out, but she is also an adult and she should understand and respect the fact that you are allowed to invite who you want on your vacation.
So while you’re not the AH for not inviting her on the trip, YTA for lying to her about the dates.
YTA for lying about the trip. Excluding her is up to you.
YTA. Your issues regarding traveling with her are mostly very valid. How you are handling it is not how adults handle situations; your parents are right. Now is a great time to discuss it.
A compromise would have been possible; the trip is 3 weeks, why not have her come for 4 or 5 days at the end? Another option could have been to have her invite a friend that she could hang out with for things that she didn’t want to do.
Time for you to do some adulting.
Heck yes YTA. You were manipulative and cruel in how you deceived your sister to exclude her. You’re 32 years old and doing this teenage bullshit. Trying to guilt-trip you would be her problem. Giving in to the guilt trip is a you problem. You’re an adult, act like one!
You are the asshole. You should have told your sister about the trip, and told her she is not invited because she is too difficult to travel with and that difficulty would ruin 3 peoples enjoyment. It’s not your fault she is disabled (not her’s either but that’s not the point). She knows she can’t walk, she knows she’s a picky eater and will just leave a restaurant if they don’t have food she wants. You can remind her of this and yes she will be mad but you know what, she can not guilt trip you into anything. She can try and you can shut her down, if you don’t shut her down, that’s on you. She’s your sister but you are not her caregiver and it’s not up to you to include her on every trip you go on, her sense of entitlement is pretty extreme. If your parents are now planning a trip during the same time and to the same places, good for them. They can deal with your sister and her inability to walk and her unwillingness to try new foods and her overall need to just slow everything down to her speed. I wouldn’t feel bad for excluding her, that is your right, but while I would not have “announced” the trip, I would have planned it and if she found out about it don’t deny she is not invited, tell her why she is not invited. If she tells you she can’t help being disabled, reaffirm you understand that but since she can’t keep up and is so picky about food and makes everyone else feel they spent money on a trip that was ruined by her, she’ not invited.
YTA. You chose to deliberately lie, knowing that it would come out, because how could it not? You still had to tell the truth at some point.
My guess is you were hoping she wouldn’t realize it and no one would say anything and you would be gone and not have to deal with it.
It hurts to hear that physically or mentally you’re unable to do something. That hurts and sucks. But to also have them lie about it and deal with that higher level of betrayal is worse.
Instead of being honest about the trip, you lied about it.
Kinda hard to defend that, IMO.
YTA
Also… THREE WEEKS? You didn’t think she’d notice you gone for almost a month? Or when vacation pictures start popping up while she’s home?
I don’t know about her history and the parents doing their own trip at the same time as yours. If that’s the case, that’s the best of both worlds for you.
>She’s not wrong about that last part because I did exclude her, but not to be cruel.
No, you were just a coward.
>They say lying was immature and I should’ve just talked to her like an adult.
Yes. She can be whatever you say she is but at the end of the day you’re both very adult people, you should know by now how to talk to her. YTA, you should’ve been upfront with her
Ugggggh. Ok. Yes and No. ESH I guess or YTA but not for the exclusion; for the lie
My friends and I do girls’ trips annually and for reasons such as ones you’ve listed, past participants have not been asked on repeat vacations.
NTA for not wanting to travel with your sister. The mobility issues aren’t the problem; it’s the attitude. Causing people to miss flights? Traveling internationally yet being a picky eater? Being inconsiderate of the group? Nope. I don’t deal with that nonsense and I don’t blame you for not wanting to, either.
YTA for lying about it. You’re not massively an AH but still. You should have just been upfront with her. Yes, she would have tried to lay a guilt trip down and that’s when you just firmly explain why you don’t want her coming. Too bad so sad for her. The onus is on her and her behavior. By tucking tail and trying to avoid conflict, you became TA. I’ve done this myself before. You’ve just got to buck up and deal.
So She’s TA for being an awful travel partner who gets butthurt about not being asked to travel. YTA (but not majorly one) for lying. ESH. But hold your boundaries, OP. Apologize for the lie but not for the lack of invite.
ESH. Everyone is going to default to YTA because you lied, but it seems like you did so because your parents/sister have a history of not being able to take no for an answer. If you are someone who refuses a very reasonable “no” then you should expect to be lied to and frequently. Sucks to suck. Enjoy your vacation and try not to let your family ruin it for you
YTA
For lying and being so immature about this. It’s time to tell your sister that she’s impossible to travel with and you won’t be doing it again. You should be adult enough to tell her that she’s not invited because of her attitude and you should be able to stick to your decision.
YTA. You have to learn to say no.
‘No, you can’t come.’
‘No, this is a trip with activities that are inaccessible to you.’
And if you’re up for it: ‘no you can’t come on this trip but we can go during a long weekend to somewhere if you wanna’.
The no will sting, but it’ll sting less than being lied to. It’s more dramatic to lie about the dates than to say no. The lying is the manipulative, cruel and dramatic part on your end.
Saying this as a disabled person myself who needs travel accommodations.
Soft YTA. You should have been truthful about the fact that she’s terrible to travel with. A dose of unfiltered honesty might do her some good. It sounds like friends and family have indulged and enabled her for far too long.
Yes, YTA. You did lie to her and deliberately manipulated the situation so that she couldn’t come. In the future, try honesty, even if uncomfortable.
“We’re going to Europe and are planning to do a lot of things that based on past experience are not things you will want or be able to do. We’re sorry to leave you out.”
Then don’t back down from the inevitable pressure to accommodate her.
YTA – Learn to say “no” and stick with it. This drama’s on you, kid!
YTA for lying to her. But it makes sense that you didn’t invite her, given her past performance. And your parents are way out of line for getting involved.
Instead, say “I’m sorry I lied to you. That was not the right thing to do. This trip is for myself and brother and two close friends only. Lets plan a future trip together.”
If she pushes back, say “I’m sorry, I hear you but I’m not going to discuss this any further.”
If your parents call you cruel names because of your decision, say “I”m sorry you feel that way.”
YTA, not for refusing to travel with her. But for the lie.
She cannot guilt you without your consent.
“This is a holiday with lots of walking, trying new food and needing us to be places on time. None of that from past experience is something you will enjoy and I am not going to compromise the trip for you.”
“I want to come.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
Rinse-repeat.
ESH. You were incredibly short sighted, OP, and you lied when a known third party to this situation (brother, who common sense indicates she’d also follow on socials; and common sense also indicates he’d reasonably be talking about it) has contacts with both of you. Major strikes against you there.
You lied, because you aren’t confident in your ability to hold a line you draw (“if I had said no directly, she would’ve guilt-tripped me”). Respectfully, OP, you need to strengthen your spine. It is very tough to have this conversation, and there will be hurt feelings. There is no way to avoid it. But point blank, this trip is not suitable for your sister’s preferred style of travel.
“This itinerary is not negotiable. I planned the trip I wanted to take and brother + friends have the same interests and travel styles that I do. Our (you/sister) prior trips indicated to me that you and I do not have similar travel styles so I did not invite you.”
There is no way to avoid hurting her feelings. The horses are already out of the barn on that one, especially since your whole family now knows you lied to avoid having this conversation with her. She lacks self awareness and has main character energy – she expects all trips to accommodate her needs, which isn’t a fair expectation of you. But the flip side, rather than communicate with her and hold your ground, you lied to try to avoid having tough conversations. You will never win when you do that.
YTA – caused drama by trying to “avoid” drama and not owning up to it….
YTA for your approach.
Your parents are right. You are an adult and should have been capable of having an adult conversation, however unpleasant it would be.
Edited to include judgement
YTA, both for lying and refusing to apologize.
If you wanted to avoid the confrontation, why not actually book it during the time period you chose to tell her it was?
You are old enough to plan and go on trips without her. Expect her to be hurt, though.
YTA. I can see that meeting her head on felt difficult, but this conversation needs to be had generally. Even if she tried to guilt you, you need to say your personal boundaries out loud and hold to them. If you don’t, this issue WILL come up again in some form:
This is an active vacation with friends, but your vacation styles dont mesh, and she’s not invited. You’ve felt like you had to be her tour guide and she’s difficult to accommodate because of her food preferences, limited mobility and her expectations that you wait for her. You’ve done that, and you’re not doing it again.
You can say these things out loud. To her. And hold firm despite all of her pleadings. Her travel track record proves this. I personally would never have travelled with her again after causing a missed flight over… hair style and poor time management.
You are 32 and didn’t know lying to your sister knowing it would hurt her was bad? YTA.
I get the travel companion compatibility 100% but you should have been mature and just told her.
YTA
Use your words.
ESH, but YTA for the lying. Unfortunately, now you are also in the midst of more drama than if you had just been truthful.
YTA. You should have said “No, I’m going with other people” like an adult, rather than chicken out and tell her yes, then lie to her.
ESH.
I don’t think you have to invite your sister. But I do think you need to be honest about why you don’t wanna invite her and stop lying to her about the trip. I think it’s understandable why you would have, because she sounds exhausting… But I think everyone in the family is just dancing around the fact that your sister is entitled and ruins things.
YTA….”No, your track record of behavior on past trips is the reason why I didn’t ask you to join us”. For the future, 1) grow a non-binary spine 2) Stop saying they guilt trip you. Your feelings are completely your own. If you feel guilty, then you’re probably thinking with an emotional mind. If you force yourself to think logically, I doubt you’ll find the same guilt.
YTA.
And you probably already know it. The right choice would’ve been to talk to her, like the adults you supposedly both are.
Yes, YTA for lying about it. How did you really think that was going to go? Did you think she wasn’t going to figure it out, or not be upset when she did? Just be honest and deal with the fallout head on.
YTA for lying to your sister.
That said, I very much get it. I travel a lot solo because between my disabilities and food allergies, I’m not always the best travel companion for active and adventurous people. Your sister needs to realize not every trip is made for her and her abilities/time management style.
YTA. Act like an adult and learn how to tell people no.
YTA. Your parents are correct. You should’ve used your words like a grown up and told her the truth and why. Most cities in Europe are designed to walk so she’d either have to rent an electric wheelchair to keep up or forego the trip. However, NTA for not wanting her to come. Frankly, I would’ve left her curly haired butt at home if she was going to make me miss a flight.
YTA
Lying was not ok. Own the decision to not travel with your sister.
I’m disabled and autistic and I am a pain in the ass to travel with. I’m rigid and persnickety. I don’t want to travel with free flowing, active people and I own that. I want my schedules and my plans. When people ask me to join them or ask to join me, if they aren’t my kind of traveler, I them no.
People need to be honest about their needs on holidays or everyone is miserable.
ESH
While it’s not your job to accommodate your sister – lying about it wasn’t the answer
Your sister is an adult and sounds like shes been over indulged Because of her disabilities. 90 minutes to curl hair????? I would have left her to make her own way to airport and through security. She’s an adult. It’s up to her to manage herself and her needs and meet you somewhere in the middle.
While it was hurtful to lie, It’s also not your job to cater to her to the extent of ruining your happiness. Her attendance would drastically change everything about the trip. You are not her caregiver and shouldn’t be treated like one.
Your parents have expressed their opinion and should butt out. The whole trip planning while you’re there is ridiculous
Consider apologizing for lying to attempt to save her feelings, but not for wanting a trip you can truly enjoy and relax on.
If your parents show up on your trip don’t rearrange ANYTHING to accommodate them. Meet for dinner once or twice… sure … anything else..
No thank you. You’ve got plans. Ignore the guilt trips with. … And this is why I didn’t tell you. Accept the no
I dont expect anyone to be happier but you can use this navigate things in the future for any trips
Good luck
Of course YTA, whenever has lying to someone made the situation ok or better?
YTA for lying to her and for not either being honest about your feelings or for finding a way to accommodate her. For example, she could have brought someone else to help her navigate her needs, that might work. It’s reasonable to assert boundaries about your vacation, but lying is hurtful and cruel. Also, you aren’t a great sibling here. You perceive her disability as “inconveniences” for her. How do you think she feels?
YTA. If you don’t want her to come, have the decency to say so.
YTA
You should have been upfront in the first place. You had to have known she would find out eventually.
Seriously? Of course YTA. You lied to avoid telling a hard truth and taking accountability, and then you refused to apologize because you’re immature. Grow up and learn how to use your words.
You have completely valid reasons for not wanting her to come along, but YTA for lying instead of addressing the issue with her directly, like an adult should.
She was going to find out eventually, so I’m not sure what kind of reaction you were expecting. Being honest from the start would’ve avoided this whole mess.
Big YTA. Also, you’re not very good at lying.
You’re the asshole. You lied about something that would obviously come out, because you think you’re not strong enough to tell her no if she tries to guilt-trip you.
ESH – is she really planning the same trip with your parents now? It sounds like your whole family is a little immature in the communication department. I’m not even judging that. I did a trip halfway across the world with my sister and not my brother and never told my family I went lol. I totally get the path of least resistance. But the lie was always going to backfire.
If she’s really coming anyway, I would say don’t change most of your plans to accommodate her, ONLY because she/parents are on their own trip, and you’re on yours. Follow this person’s advice: Can’t keep up? Not your problem. Don’t want the food at the restaurant? Fine, we’ll see you back at the hotel. Taking too long curling your hair? Fine, call yourself a cab because we’re leaving now.
YTA, without question…. You are an ADULT, this is grade school behaviour. Grow up.
YTA for lying. You’re 32. Grow up and work on expressing and holding boundaries that work for you. Her drama isn’t yours to hold. You have a right to travel without her. She has a right to feel feelings about you not wanting to travel with her. You have a right to still travel on your own.
YTA Your lie didn’t even make sense. It’s not like she wasn’t going to find out eventually – you were just buying time out of reflex and fear. If you’re going to resort to lying, come up with something that actually gets you off the hook!
It doesn’t sound like you like your sister very much. If you guys got along, making accommodations for her diet and mobility would be second nature. You’re not teenagers anymore. Lots of siblings drift apart as they get older. Sometimes they even drift back as they age.
YTA. You are a grown adult so behaviour like one. Just tell your sister the truth because all you did was create a situation where she would find out you lied.
YTA for lying
You should have just told her the truth. That she wouldn’t be able to handle it as it was a very active itinerary, not a lot of food she would eat and generally she would have been miserable
YTA for lying about it. NTA for not wanting her to come. You knew lying about it was going to come up eventually – so why do it? You dug yourself into a bigger hole than you would have had you been honest up front.
YTA for lying. Saying “No, this trip isn’t safe for you because there’s too much walking and you aren’t invited” would have probably caused some hurt feelings. Instead, you went for hurt feelings with a side order of the entire family knowing you’re a liar. Your (poor) choice to lie destroyed any sympathy or support you might have gotten.
There is no law that she is entitled to travel with you of that you are required to take her on your trip. You want to be free to enjoy your trip and you don’t want to be burdened by someone who is going to make that impossible. You have that right. Have that conversation directly. It takes courage but it’s so worth it for your mental state!
If she wants to travel, she needs to find someone who wants to go with her. Maybe she needs a paid companion.
“Here is the trip we’re doing: lots of hiking and strenuous activities. We’ll be trying local restaurants with all different kinds of food. Here’s where we’re staying. If you want to go to the same location at the same time, maybe we can meet up on occasion. But you probably should bring a friend because we won’t be changing our plans and we won’t wait for anyone who is running late.”
YTA. I don’t see how you thought she wasn’t going to find out about the actual dates. I’m sure she would have been pissed and it would have caused drama but being up front about your reasons for not inviting her would have been better.
Why is open communication so hard for people.
The question is about you lying so… yeah YTA
YTA and way too old to behave like such a kid. Don’t lie, just say you don’t want her to come. You will have an uncomfortable moment and peace afterward. She was bound to find out and you should be able to face problems like that as a mature person.
YTA.
Let her try and guilt trip you. That doesn’t mean you have to buy in to it.
You should apologize for the lie but not for not including her.
YTA- only because you did lie. I mean you could have been honest with her and told her why you don’t want her around. It would have hurt her feelings but a trip like this is not cheap and you shouldn’t have to accommodate if you don’t want to. Just apologize now, tell her why & tell her in the future there will be trips that you will take that you don’t want her to go bc of her needs and that’s ok. She needs to figure that out. Not you but she shouldn’t get her parents involved either bc yall are adults.
I do think yall should plan trips to to accommodate her though. Maybe not to Europe.
YTA. She asked a simple question and you lied to her, not to “protect her feelings”, but to serve yourself. Explaining to her that the trip was to do things she explicitly doesn’t like, is at least the truth and she wouldn’t have been able to rally anyone behind her for that. You literally gave her ammo and made yourself look like an awful ableist person, instead of just being honest.
YTA
“I didn’t want to say no and cause drama, so I lied about the dates.”
Well guess what—you caused drama anyway!!!
What were you planning to tell her in August when she would have noticed that you didn’t go on the dates you told her you would?
It’s fine for you to go on vacation whenever you want with whoever you want, but you need to accept the fact that those decisions may upset some other people, whether that is justified or not. And you need to grow up and find a way to be more straightforward with your sister, even (especially) when that involves telling her things she won’t want to hear. The vast majority of the time, lying to someone so they won’t feel bad about something like this will come back to bite you in the ass. And that’s exactly what’s happened here.
YTA. You should have just said no.
YTA. You could have been honest and now you’ve made the situation worse than if you’d just told your sister from the beginning that you didn’t want her on the trip.
YTA. You should have told her she’s not invited – not because she’s disabled, but because she sucks. Equality!
YTA.
You definitely aren’t an AH for not wanting her to go with you, based on previous experiences. But lying, particularly when she was GOING TO FIGURE IT OUT at some point, makes you an AH.
You had the perfect way to say no, and you also should have been honest or at least had a better lie. All you had to say was “after the last trip where I missed my flight, no, you can’t come. We aren’t compatible traveling- we don’t like the same foods, time stresses me out, and after the flight issue I don’t want that stress again.”
None of that has anything to do with her using a walker, and was also true. It might have hurt her feelings, but it was honest and needed to be said.
YTA for lying.
You should have just told her that there would be too much walking and based on previous holidays it wouldn’t be suitable for her. You say it was to stop drama, but at some point she was going to find out. Whether that was prior like now or whether it was in September when you actually go and she realises that you and ppl you where going with are all unavailable/posting pics of your holiday.
YTA for lying in such an obvious way. You should’ve been honest and if she invited herself along, that’s fine. She’s an adult, and you can make her solely responsible for herself. She can get herself to the airport, she can choose where she wants to eat, if she walks out of a restaurant, let her. She can eat wherever she wants and so can you. I don’t understand how you thought lying and then having her find out would solve anything.
YTA for lying. Your reasoning to not want her there is perfectly valid but when you lied you lost your ground.
My gawd. What a manipulative family. Tell her why starting with missing your plane. You’re not attached at the hips adults are independent and can do as they please. Hopefully it won’t blow up more by your parents and her.
YTA, not because you didn’t want to invite her, but because of the way you chose to handle it. No one is automatically entitled to be included in a trip. I understand you didn’t want drama by saying no to her but a lie like this usually gets revealed sooner or later (especially if other people involved in the trip are not informed of it). And now the drama is even bigger and the way you acted doesn’t help your case at all.
NTA! NTA! NTA!
YTA. There’s a book called Crucial Conversations. You need to read it, because adults communicate with each other.
ESH. You should have just told her no, the plans are set and she’s not invited. She’s also an AH for bringing your parents into it. It’s understandable she’s upset but thats just throwing a fit.
YTA. Just be honest? “It’s just a trip for those we explicitly invited”. Done. Don’t tell her when you’re going, dont talk about it when she’s around. Let her have a little tantrum and ignore her. Lying to her makes you the asshole.
I have empathy for you because I have a sibling that is always late, making everyone wait, getting upset and dramatic over things, starting fights, sneakily trying to show up and force introductions to weird shady dudes, etc. I finally went no contact and they still make a surprised pikachu face anytime I see other family members and don’t invite them.
I know families can really indulge a dramatic younger sibling and that can’t be easy on you when you just want to enjoy a vacay you worked hard for. That said, you have to not lie so YTA for not just setting a boundary and dealing with the repercussions.
Some people are just bad travelers, and not wanting to potentially ruin your trip that you paying for is understandable.
I personally don’t think you did anything wrong, but you could apologize for lying I suppose.
Going to go against the majority here and say NTA both for excluding and lying. OP knew she & her brother couldn’t leave for Europe without her nightmare of a sister raising a ruckus. So she opted to delay the drama as long as possible, in hopes that her sister wouldn’t manage to manipulate her way into the trip.
Your definitely the asshole.
Don’t do that to her. Just treat her like the adult she is and no is no. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. Maybe she should take a long look at some of her habits and change them. She can’t change her physical condition though. You are not obligated to involve her in everything you do. Ask her who is going to pay for her? Is she going to pay for herself or does she expect you to foot the bill for her?
ESH – honestly, lying isn’t the way to go, because she was always going to find out eventually so drama was unavoidable.
However, I have experience of disabled people forcing their way into activities they simply cannot participate in and then causing issues, ruining it for all involved.
My old highschool used to do an “adventure” trip annually in the summer. Trip down to the Lake District in the north of England. Kayaking, orienteering, hill walking and then back down the hill in the rivers, swimming and jumping waterfalls.
This girl with cerebral palsy wanted to go and her parents demanded she be allowed.
The place in the lake district couldn’t accommodate her disabilities, and nowhere else was bookable that late.
Instead they booked somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, in November. We did mountain biking, which had to be aborted due to ice. Orienteering again with similar issues. And white water rafting…. In November…
She couldn’t take part in anything except the rafting, where she sat in the middle of the inflatable in a pool of freezing water, being thoroughly miserable. Basically a big sleepover where she had to watch everyone else having fun and then nearly get hypothermia because she couldn’t even do the exerting bit of the activity to keep warm.
Her parents complained, and funnily enough the school stopped doing the trips all together.
There were a few other things that her parents insisted she be allowed to participate in, even though she literally couldn’t, causing issues for other students, but that was the only one I was involved in.
NTA. It’s you, your brother and your friends. This isn’t a family trip. That your parents are now trying to coordinate your sister going during your trip sort of proves that just telling her no wouldn’t have worked.
Let me guess: your childhood was basically centered around your sister’s wants being more important than your wants or needs? Saying an outright no never really registered as a viable option did it?
You ARE going to have to put your foot down though. You aren’t going to spend your vacation being her personal concierge. Her transportation there is on her. You’re doing what you want to do on the trip, she can join or not. You’re not responsible for making sure she gets from airport to airport or letting her dictate sleep arrangements.
“We do not have compatible travel styles.”
YTA for lying and for saying that you lied because your sister would guilt trip you. You’re a grown up and you need to act like it. You create boundaries and you stick to them.
“Listen, I like to travel with you in certain circumstances but this trip is going to be fast paced with a lot of walking and strange foods. I’m not going to get there and stay back with you or not eat places I want to eat so it’s better for both of us if you don’t come with us.”
All you did was create a conflict by lying instead of trying to create a connection by being honest.
Were you wrong to lie, for sure. Would I go as far as saying you are an AH for lying. Nope. I can understand why you chose the path of least resistance. Age is irrelevant when one is dealing with forceful family that one has yet to build boundaries with. Heck this sub Reddit is filled with such type of boundary stomping families. I think calling you an AH or calling you a coward is too harsh. Fact your parents have booked a holiday with your sister for the same location shows easily how difficult your family is so I think you deserve some grace. But it is time to begin building the inner strength to institute boundaries with your family. It’s never easy but it will be worth it in the end.
Yta. You lied to save yourself some discomfort. Put on your big kid pants and tell the truth next time. Tell her no, tell her she can come but you’re not accommodating her. You should definitely apologize
YTA for lying. I get you thought it was easier at the time, but you should have figured out eventually the truth would come out and bite you.
YTA. How are you 32 and still act so immature? This one is on you. It’s so childish to lie and keep your sister in dark about the trip. You let her plan around and the wrong dates. I am honestly still wondering how a 32 year old grown adult act so immature.
Eh, why is your brother not getting any flak? I understand why you lied, but now you have the opportunity to hammer home to your sister and parents that you are NOT her keeper. You have the right as an individual to do your own thing on holiday.
YTA. You should have just told her. And if she tried to force her way in, ‘no’ is a complete sentence.
YTA
You’re an adult. Use your words.