Honestly not sure if this is the right subreddit to post to… This is my first reddit experience beyond listening to Smosh and I honestly have no idea what I’m doing but here’s my best shot.
My best friend Bella and I recently got a job together (we started working mid spring), and she instantly clicked with this guy Sam fake names. They have really great chemistry and it was honestly so nice to see her fall for him after having a dry period following a rough relationship. Things didn’t work out too well with her ex, and she had basically sworn off men after that. I worked a couple shifts with Sam too and he’s a really nice guy, very chill and good with customers. Bella lights up whenever she talks about him, and has described him as her perfect guy on many occasions.
About a month into working Bella found out that Sam was temporarily quitting to get a better job during the summer. She was absolutely devastated and spent hours sobbing about it when she found out. On the last shift he was scheduled for she showed up to work (off the clock) and ended up confessing her feelings for him. He told her that he felt the same and even ran after her car as she was pulling out of the parking lot to promise to text her that night.
The next two weeks were all green flags and Bella was over the moon. She was so happy and was practically floating through the hallways at school and I was so happy for her. One morning I ran into her before class and she looks like she’s been crying. She was clearly very upset and when I asked if she’s okay she started sobbing. As it turns out, Sam is intensely religious and is part of a very strict branch of Christianity. Bella is an atheist, and because of Sam’s religion he was having a moral conundrum about their relationship. Apparently he had been struggling with his faith and I’m not quite sure what happened but they kept on texting every day and she went back to being happy. They never met up in person for any dates, but spent hours texting and video calling every night to the point where they were staying up until 3 in the morning on school nights. This whole cycle of Sam having a crisis over religion and Bella being devastated happened twice more over the span of 3 months, with the final big break up fight (is it a break up if you were never official?) being last week halfway through an overnight shift that Bella and I were working together. She disappeared for a bit and I found her crying. The last half of our shift was miserable, she couldn’t keep it together long enough to help another customer. She’s one of the emotionally strongest people I know, and seeing her so beat up over this guy made me feel really worried.
Today I found out that they’re texting each other again. I got on for a shift as Bella was getting off, and she was talking to me about an awkward experience she had with one of the supervisor’s, Sam’s sister (we’ll call her Kaylee). Kaylee learned about Sam and Bella texting each other, and told her whole family about it. They essentially ganged up on Sam and told him he had to make a choice, them or Bella. This is what led to the big breakup during the overnight. Kaylee thinks that Bella was a test sent from God to tempt Sam, and since then has been giving Bella the cold shoulder (which can get awkward when working together). Bella told me that Sam and her are now texting in secret, but she’s worried about Kaylee finding out again. My dislike of Sam was really solidified after what happened next: maybe 15 minutes after Bella left he showed up and then spent the next 5 hours messing around with our coworkers. I know for a fact that he wasn’t working before and there’s no reason why he couldn’t have shown up to see Bella. They had spent her whole shift texting, and there was really no reason for him to have shown up after she left besides to be a pain in my ass and distract everyone. We have activities and food, but he didn’t get anything. I also know that he still has access to the work schedule because he is on the app that we get shift postings on and he is planning to come back during the fall season. He must have gotten the feeling that I wasn’t super happy with him because Bella texted me a while later asking about it, and she was really confused about why he was at work. I have no clue why he showed up, but I did tell Bella that I didn’t really like him which made her upset.
I am worried for her, I want what’s best for her and I feel like I’m watching her repeat this cycle of talking to him, being crushed when he breaks it off, and then so excited when they start talking again. Is there anything I can do for her besides be there and support her? Is there a good way for me to hint that this seems unhealthy?
On a side note, I am also religious but I practice a less strict branch of Christianity. I have never felt like I have had to choose between my family and another relationship, and I know that they would never make me feel that way. They are super open and welcoming and have made it very clear that there’s nothing I could do (well besides murder or something crazy) that would make them love or support me any less. They also have made it very clear that they support LGBTQIA+ individuals and they respect other religions. I am honestly so blessed to grow up in such an open, loving family. Whenever Bella talks about Sam’s family, she always makes it sound like they’re monsters that are suppressing their son and it turns into a dig at Christianity. She knows that I’m Christian and has asked for advice related to religion, but I honestly don’t know what to tell her because I haven’t grown up in a family or branch like his. It also bothers me how it sometimes feels like she’s attacking my religion as a whole, and I’m not sure how to express that to her. Is this something that should be talked about in a separate conversation? I want to tell her how I’m feeling about it but I don’t know if it will get too complicated if I combine the two. They’re related in my head though.
We’re also all adults (barely, but technically). I know that he’s financially independent (maybe not stable but independent) because of a random conversation we had but is still living with his parents. He has the option to get away from his family if he wanted to, but I don’t think that he will. I don’t think that he’ll pick Bella over his family, and he’s being selfish by trying to keep talking to her while deceiving them. I don’t know what to do at this point and I really need advice. Has anyone experienced religion like this that can give an insight? Is there anything I can do or would anything on my part be me overstepping? Thanks so much, have a blessed day.
TLDR; Best friend is in bad relationship cycle with man struggling with religion, conflict over religion is bleeding into our relationship as friends. What should I do?