When I was 15, my dad just disappeared. No goodbye, no contact, nothing. My mom raised us alone, working multiple jobs, and I basically had no childhood.
Now, out of the blue, I get a call. It’s him. He’s sick, maybe dying, and says I’m all he has left.
I’m angry. I’ve spent years wondering why he left, hating him for it. And now he wants me to show up for him? But at the same time, I don’t know if I can live with the idea of just letting him die alone.
My mom says it’s my decision, but I can tell she hates the idea. My siblings already cut him off for good. I’m stuck.
Do I owe him anything? Should I meet him for closure, or just let it go?
Has anyone else faced something like this?
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I can only say what I would do, and that would be to get the message to him that since he did not take care of me for the past 10 years, that I will not be interrupting my life to take care of him. And, it’s not to be cruel, it’s to let him experience the consequences of his actions.
You have to look at yourself 5,10,15 years from now and project whether you’ll regret not doing it or not. There is no right or wrong answer here, it’s your choice. But if you’re the type of person that is holding a fridge or has a built in resentment in your life etc. as a result of his abandonment you definitely should at least see him and get it off your chest for your own piece of mind. If you’re a person that in general needs closure after break ups etc, then you probably should do it and avoid the hang ups later down the line. Now if you’re in general apathetic to certain things and/or move on from break ups fairly quickly you should just tell him to kick rocks and move on with your life. But all of these answers are equally as valid, it just depends on which one helps YOU, not him.
You owe him nothing. Do what you can live with, but don’t be his care giver, he doesn’t deserve that.
You don’t owe anybody anything. That said for your own mental health you might want to at least try to meet for closure/moving on. Good luck.
You don’t owe him anything. The only question is if you owe anything to yourself. If you feel like it would be healing and helpful to you to show compassion in this situation, you are absolutely empowered to be with him. If it will cause you more pain, it’s also not wrong to let him lie in the bed he’s created.
I chose to be with my dad because I needed to know that I wasn’t like him, that when life got hard and people needed me that I was a person who showed up, dealt with the pain, and was bigger, deeper, kinder than the worst that had been done to me. It was cathartic to be the strong and healthy person in the situation and know that, unlike last time, I was the one with the option to leave and chose not to.
Whatever you decide, do it because it feels like the powerful choice, not the one thrust upon you that you have to make.
It’s up to you whether meeting him for closure would benefit you, you may want to hear his reasons for abandoning you, or maybe you want to discuss how much back child support he owes your mother.
But as for quitting your life to take care of him? DON’T!!! Why the hell would anyone do that, for someone who clearly doesn’t deserve it.
Just let it go. If he’s telling the truth (and it’s more likely he’s lying), he can go die without you. You don’t owe him anything, obviously.
I would question the validity of his illness. Narcissists will often fake illnesses to get people back in their life. Regardless, just because he shares your DNA, doesn’t make him a father. You don’t owe him anything, even if he really is sick.
Wait is he asking for you to take care of him or just wanting to reconnect before he passes?
Do you owe him? No. He bailed and only contacted you when he needed something. It’s not even that he wanted to reconnect with you for the sake of reconnecting, he needs a caregiver.
This is really about what you want. Do you want to make a connection with him before he passes? If the answer is yes, to what extent? You can always establish boundaries, like that you’re happy to talk with him and visit, but you won’t be providing any financial or physical support. It’s really all about what you want and what you’re comfortable with. If you have no interest in any contact, just move on.
“Sick maybe dying”. So he wants a free caretaker and atm for an indeterminate amount of time? You don’t owe him a thing. Meeting him for closure is only something you can decide. But do not be talked into being his caregiver
You owe him nothing. But that doesn’t mean you can’t help him in some way if it would help you. You might want to get to know him because he’s your father. I don’t advise committing to anything and certainly I wouldn’t help monetarily, but if he needs to have someone pick up his groceries or sit with him now and then, or help arrange for a visiting nurse, doing that would be kind. But it isn’t owed. He abandoned you when you needed a father so your obligation is only to yourself (and to your mother). It might give you some peace. Forgiving people even if that’s all you do feels good and is good, it’s such a relief sometimes, while holding anger and hatred is exhausting, draining and heavy.
I’d keep your mother’s feelings in mind too though. She does deserve kindness from you and if it would hurt her for you to help him, at least maybe don’t tell her about it, lest she feels it’s you taking a side and she deserves and has earned you on hers. You could tell her when he’s passed that you got to know him a little. Then you and your mother would have this in common.
And if he is manipulative I would withdraw, if he tries to justify his actions rather than apologize for them – I would withdraw. But if he is sorry and seems to be vulnerable and decent (people change) helping him a little might make you feel some closure that you might otherwise regret not getting while he was alive.
Nope.
Fuck him. You are his karma.
I found myself in a similar situation. My mother was very cruel to me growing up; I’ll spare you the details. My parents were divorced and my father lived in another city. On my 18th birthday I had to leave my mother’s house; it wasn’t a traumatic experience since I was grateful to be able to leave her house.
After that I was always able to stay at my father’s apartment when I was on Spring break from college so it wasn’t like I was homeless or anything. That was in 1982. I got a job and my own place after living in a dorm for a couple years. I haven’t spoken to her in about 40 years and for better or worse I have no regrets.
A couple years ago my father and I found out from my brother that our mother had dementia and needed home care. My brother and I lived a few hours away from our mother, but he and my father arranged for home care for her and my brother was given power of attorney to make medical decisions and such on her behalf. She’s currently 90.
My brother died unexpectedly last year and both my father and my mother’s hired home healthcare aid wanted me to accept the power of attorney to be responsible for her finances and healthcare decisions. I would not have to speak to her directly, just handle everything with the home healthcare company over the phone and email. I declined for many reasons that I won’t go into, but I have absolutely no regrets. Now, a stranger, a supervisor at the home care company has the power of attorney responsibilities for her.
The only advice I can give you is that it’s your decision. You should feel absolutely no pressure to step up if you don’t want to. You owe him nothing. Your dad won’t be around much longer, though, so if you decline to care for him during his palliative care and there’s anything still left unsaid between you, you should take the opportunity to speak with him and get it off your chest before he’s gone. I’m not going to do that with my own mother because I have nothing left to say.
no
This man abandoned his family. He stole your childhood. He destroyed your mother’s life. He hasn’t reached out in all this time, but now he needs something from you, so he picks up the phone.
You’re a good person for thinking you should help him. But actions have consequences, and he should have to suffer his.
You don’t owe him anything. But that doesn’t mean you should not do this. But it’s entirely your call. It has nothing to do with what your siblings think. It has nothing to do with what your mother thinks. It doesn’t even have anything to do with what he thinks.
What do you think is the right thing to do? That’s the only question.
He actively made the choice to leave and hurt his family. He’s selfish and he’s trying to guilt you into helping him. If he didn’t need anything you still wouldn’t be hearing from him.
This man you refer to is not your father, he is the man who made your wife pregnant. A father archetype, which it is called according to psychology, is quite the archetype to have projected into you, and an honor you have to work for. If you are in doubt what it actually means to be a father, there is plenty of media where you can see that archetype in full display. Mufasa from lion king being one. But we both know, that you already know this. You are just a child who learned that your role was to sacrifice yourself for the wellbeing of the family, which is referred to as the martyr archetype. Well, this is not normal behavior. See this decision you are about to make as your first step on a new journey to accept that you also have rights and needs, and then start to live for yourself. You earned it.
Nope, you don’t owe him a thing and he’s only calling you now because he has no one left to ask. He and 10 years to have a relationship with you and he chose NOT to.
Don’t meet him for closure , it won’t be closure it will be him begging for forgiveness and crying that it’s his last chance. All hollow, just trying to manipulate you.
This man opted out of your life a decade ago and lost any right to expect any of his kids to care for him. To be frank if he wasn’t sick or looking for a caretaker he more than likely wouldn’t have contacted you to begin with. That being said when/if you turn him down to be his caretaker be ready for him to lash out, guilt trip, or straight up go back to no contact when he realizes you won’t be his caretaker. Even if you are ok with keeping contact or seeking answers, do not expect hin to give you a straight answer.
I/bot-sleuth-bot
Because of how he left: does he have anything to leave you in a Will? For how he did you all dirty, if at least expect something inherited (if anything) in return for you to be there for him if he’s dying.
Otherwise, no.
It’s a massive commitment to take care of someone who is end of life. Even more so for someone who is claiming familial obligation after abandoning you as a kid.
I think I’d hard pass on that.
You owe him nothing. Ask him the tough questions you want and stop communication. Ask yourself if he died tomorrow what would you feel was left unsaid? Did you try enough to feel good about yourself and what kind of contact you want with him? Do you need anything from him (family background etc).
You don’t owe him anything. You don’t need to take care of him.
Nah he made his bed. Let him lie in it.
Of course you do not owe him anything.
I would want to meet him out of curiosity but that is me. You can do whatever you want.
You should not be his caretaker. You make your own choices.
If he wasn’t dying he wouldn’t be calling. Love yourself first you deserve better, him leaving has nothing to do with you.
The decision is yours, but I can tell you what I did when my estranged mother found my contact info and asked me to be her caretaker: I asked her what, after 20 years of no contact, made her think she could trust me with that care and that I wouldn’t stick her into the worst nursing home I could find.
She worked in a few nursing homes when I was a kid and always made me promise to not put her in one.
You dont owe him anything
You are under no obligation to care for him, let’s clear that up right now. He up and left you, burning that bridge himself.
My only suggestion is if he is indeed dying, figure out if there are any answers from him that you want, or any final things you want to say to him. You need to find peace with what he’s done once he’s gone and any answers you might want die with him. Any words unsaid can never reach his ears after. Or find peace in returning the favor of walking away from him.
Do what you can live with and be happy.
Your siblings have the right of it. This person gave zero shits about you for 10 years. The only reason he remembered he had people that shared DNA with him now was because he wanted someone to use.
Being a carer is hard unthankful stressful work. If you are the one he also expects to finance this – it’s a money drain. Don’t let guilt ruin your future. If you want to help find resources that are available to him that he can use. Don’t be played by him. If he was still healthy he would have never even bothered to reconnect.
Your siblings already said no. They were easily able to abandon their sperm donor who provided zero value to their lives. Why do you feel you have an obligation here. If you choose to do it, that is your burden alone to carry so don’t bring it on your mom or siblings by giving them updates. They just don’t care and have already moved on in their lives.
If it was me? I would absolutely not take care of him.
Not to be petty or vindictive but he left, didn’t care what happened to you…why should you care what happens to him?
Often when people meet for closure, it’s never the way they envision it….your dad probably hasnt changed much and doesnt care if he ruined your childhood.
Do what you think is right. Remember, in your life don’t do something you’ll regret later.
Also, do your best to let go of you r anger. It will only hurt you.
Ain’t no mf way
Meet him. Have the conversation. Lay it all out, ask all the questions. Then decide how to move forward. But have that important meeting. You don’t want to live with ghosts of “what if”.
Tell him that it’s good to want stuff
This exact situation happened to me, except I was 25 the last time I talked to him and 37 when he died. One of my siblings chose to visit him in the hospital a couple of times. The decision was somewhat made for me since I lived a couple thousand miles away and had a new job. His friends and church community straight up shamed us in the eulogy at the funeral, which I only attended to support my sibling who still cared.
I don’t regret the choice I made at all. Really, I had already mourned him years before he actually passed. But, I can’t say that it doesn’t break my heart every time something reminds me that he once had a big loving family, but ended up dying alone in the hallway of a hospital, waiting for a scan (he had a DNR). Whenever I start to slip into hermit mode myself, I try to remember how important it is to stay connected to the people who are important to me.
Hi, I can understand how hard it must have been for you. I was raised by a single mother too. But I think the situation is not very black and white. Your father is not a good person, there’s no two ways about it. But, for your own sake, if you choose not to respond and help him any further, a few years down the line if you look back at this time, would you have any regrets? It’s not because you owe him anything, but it’s because of the sensitivity of the situation. Even if you know your father was terrible in every way, would be alright knowing that in his dying moments you chose not to be there for him? I’m only saying this because I had a terrible relationship with my father’s side of the family, and now that most of them have passed away, it feels like a void which I wish I could have filled for my own sake, not for theirs.
You need to do this for yourself. Just so you will no longer wonder. I had to do the same thing when my pos father could not phone me and my mom to let me know my sister died of fentanal, so i had to find it on facebook/. I meet up with hkm twice and talked for a bit before i finally ghosted him.
You can always get in touch and ask your questions but make it very clear you won’t be caring for him at all.
I personally wouldn’t be caring for someone who never did that for me, just walked away and I’m assuming has only got in touch because he needs something and has no one else.
The question is why doesn’t he have anyone else? Has he pushed everyone away.
If he needs care he can pay for it.
Do YOU need closure? Or have you already written him out of your life?
He abandoned you 10 years ago, and never contacted you.
And now that he’s sick, maybe dying, he says that “you’re all he has left” .
Is he perhaps expecting you to take care of him in his final days? Is he expecting you to pay any of his expenses since he is so ill?
What if he somehow finds a way to screw you over again in his final moments of life?
Give that some serious thought.
What do you need for peace in your life?
Do you want to give him one final chance to stab you in the heart again?
Admittedly, this would be an easier decision if your father had actually stepped up and said that he was sorry for abandoning you, gave some really really good concrete reason for it, and seemed really, really really sorry about it.
But it sounds like he hasn’t said anything about being sorry that he abandoned you, and he just wants you back in his life like nothing ever happened.
So if that’s the case, you could just tell your dad that you owe him nothing and go on with your life.
Nah, you make your bed so you lay in it.
Let him die alone. What makes him think he can just summon you to fill his needs after he left you high and dry for 10 years? Would he have contacted you now if he was not dying? Most likely not.
Anything you do do for you. By all means go visit ask your questions but you have no obligation ro look after him. I helped care for my mum and it was heartbreaking every day seeing the next stage of decline. You have every right to feel.whatever you do. However, he hurt you and don’t have to do anything for him. You only get one life. He hasn’t given one hour of his time since he left.
Sometimes, it is the mom who makes life difficult on a father.
Hear his side of the story and decide for yourself. Also, ask around what kind of man he is and take this into consideration.
Tell dad to die a lonely death.
I am in your shoes, My father walked away and picked the other woman for FOURTY Years. She died and a few years later he is 90 and needs help caring for him. As the oldest I made the choice to do it. And he is now 95 so it has been a few years.
Am I glad I am doing it. Yes, it gave me the chance to say everything I wanted to say and I promise he got several ear fulls. It also has given me the chance to get to know him and have found that he is just a nice old man, has good manners and a funny sense of humor. (I now see where I got mine from) I also started therepy at 68 to deal with the abandoment and anger. Would I have regreted it had I not done it. Maybe, maybe not, but I know I do not regret getting to tell him how I feel and him finally apologize for it.
You might consider going and meeting him and see what he has to say before you make any decision. Do you owe it to him? Only if you choose to. I made the moral choice for me, it that it was the right thing for me to do it. He was still my father. Do I love this man. Nope, not at all. He is just a nice old man and when he is gone I will not miss him, but i will have finally dealth with the abandonment issues from it.
Good luck!
In my perspective, he stopped being your dad 10 years ago. He is but a stranger asking for help
No, tell him sorry but you have your life set by you and your mother and don’t have the room for him, now that he needs someone and no one’s left, that tells you a lot.