AITA for telling my OCD roommate to “get over it.”
I am jewish. My roommate is not. I asked her if it was ok with her if I put a mezuzah by our front door. For those who dont know, this is a small rectangular case that is affixed to the wall or doorframe that holds a scroll. We are supposed to have it by our front door.
She said it was fine. I ordered one and put it up. The mezuzah is supposed to tilt a little toward the door, and not be straight up and down. I hung it the correct way, and she got angry, saying she needed it to be straight. I informed her that it isn’t traditionally hung that way. I did straighten it a little, but kept a slight tilt. She was still angry about it. Like, screaming angry. I reminded her that I endure the absolute explosion of christmas decorations every year, and never complain. And this was just a little piece of metal. She said this was different, since it set off her OCD. I said I would just take it down, then.
So I took it down, and there were holes in the wall where I had screwed it into the wall. I paid for maintenance to fill them, but the fill he used is a slightly different shade than the rest of the wall. Apparently that also sets off her OCD, and she is angry with me now.
I was just so done with the whole situation, and said she really just needs to get over it. She said I was TA for saying that, since she has OCD.
Is she right?
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AITA for telling my OCD roommate to “get over it.”
I am jewish. My roommate is not. I asked her if it was ok with her if I put a mezuzah by our front door. For those who dont know, this is a small rectangular case that is affixed to the wall or doorframe that holds a scroll. We are supposed to have it by our front door.
She said it was fine. I ordered one and put it up. The mezuzah is supposed to tilt a little toward the door, and not be straight up and down. I hung it the correct way, and she got angry, saying she needed it to be straight. I informed her that it isn’t traditionally hung that way. I did straighten it a little, but kept a slight tilt. She was still angry about it. Like, screaming angry. I reminded her that I endure the absolute explosion of christmas decorations every year, and never complain. And this was just a little piece of metal. She said this was different, since it set off her OCD. I said I would just take it down, then.
So I took it down, and there were holes in the wall where I had screwed it into the wall. I paid for maintenance to fill them, but the fill he used is a slightly different shade than the rest of the wall. Apparently that also sets off her OCD, and she is angry with me now.
I was just so done with the whole situation, and said she really just needs to get over it. She said I was TA for saying that, since she has OCD.
Is she right?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My friend does have OCD, which is a serious mental illness, and maybe I was being tok flippant telling her to grt over it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Does she have an OCD diagnosis? Being a perfectionist and wanting things a certain way aren’t necessarily OCD. If she does have an OCD diagnosis, is she getting treatment or seeing a therapist or anything? It sounds like she may be struggling with something either way, but that’s not your job to fix.
Look, I’m a bit OCD. I think things to be straight. Whose job is it to deal with that? Mine.
She sounds like a pain.
NTA
NTA idk how she expects to exist in the real world if she walks past a crack in the sidewalk. She needs to live alone if her OCD acts up so severely
NTA
> She said it was fine.
My girl could have taken the 20 seconds to actually look up what she was agreeing to on Wikipedia.
She’s the asshole. I am diagnosed with almost extreme OCD, and I would NEVER scream at a roommate or anyone for my problems. It would be quite difficult to endure something that triggered my OCD, but I would endure it for something like that. It’s not on you to make her life as easy as possible. She kinda sounds like a brat
ESH (leaning NTA)
You asked for permission first and showed respect for your traditions. You even compromised on the placement and paid to repair the wall when you removed it; that’s more than fair. Her shouting at you over a small religious object isn’t acceptable, even if she has OCD. That said, telling you to “get over it” was harsh. Mental health conditions like OCD are real and challenging, but they don’t give her the right to control shared spaces without compromise, especially after she initially agreed.
Advice:
Next time, approach matters from a collaborative perspective. If it’s not feasible, it might be worth discussing alternative living arrangements. Respect is mutual regarding religion and mental health.
NTA
That’s not true OCD. She can indeed suck it up.
INFO, leaning not TA.
Listen, I’m someone with severe diagnosed OCD and I came to this thread specifically to call you TA. But honestly, from what you’ve described your roommate sounds a lot more like the “I’m so quirky and like to make sure everything is even lol lol lol” type of “OCD”, not the actual real debilitating hell that people with clinically diagnosed OCD go through.
If your roommate has real, honest OCD then yeah, jerk move on your part. Not something you can just “get over” without significant hard, terrifying work, support, professional help, and possibly even medications. If this is the case I’d recommend you apologize for that remark but also share how you felt about the situation and work on ways to better collaborate in the future as another commenter said. OCD roommate or not, you still deserve to celebrate your holy days and traditions.
But my guess here is that your roommate is being “quirky” and controlling here, in which case you are most definitely NOT TA.
NTA. Roommate is going to have to figure out the world doesn’t revolve around her OCD. She can be OCD about her stuff but she needs to keep her mitts off of yours – and not scream at you about it. You have an objective reason for displaying it the way you did. I wouldn’t have taken it down.
NTA. It is her responsibility to manage her OCD, and no decent therapist would suggest the world mold to her ideal.
NTA. It sounds like her OCD isn’t being sufficiently managed to allow her to live harmoniously with other adults, which is unfortunate, and I have all the empathy in the world…but it is her responsibility.
Could you have been more diplomatic? Sure. But she can’t scream at you and then expect perfect decorum from you at all times.
NTA. However, you are being an A to yourself. Get another roommate and put up your mezuzah. Frnakly, you should have never taken it down.
NTA because you cannot manage your roomie’s OCD. I don’t know what the proper protocol for treating it is, but it’s just not something you can do. And I don’t think yelling at you is part of it. You gave her a chance avoid this whole problem by asking if she was ok with your mezuzah. That was her cue to research what it would entail and if it was tolerable to her.
I guess you’re kinda rude for saying get over it but literally what else are you supposed to do at this point to accommodate her? She still has to deal with her reaction internally.
I have OCD for which I am medicated and I’m treatment. You are NTA.
NTA but quick question for those of you with experience with OCD. I have none.
If OP had shown his roommate online proof (not just told her) that being tilted was the right way would that change it for her? What I mean after seeing proof of the right way would she then be triggered if it was straight since she now knows how it is supposed to be? I hope that made sense.
ESH. If your roommate has OCD then this may have been extremely difficult for them, triggering very big emotions and obsessions. It’s not rational or reasonable but that’s what OCD is, obsessions compulsions beyond what others experience, needing something to be a certain way or something awful will happen. She doesn’t just prefer it straight and it bugs her, it can trigger extremely dark intrusive thoughts. But she didn’t check what you would be hanging on the door, or whether it would be straight before she said it was okay.
But OCD isn’t the same as you not complaining about Christmas decorations and isn’t something she can just “get over”. I don’t think anyone wants to have OCD.
NTA. I would be setting off her “ocd” every chance I got from here on out.
NTA, OCD is not an excuse to behave like an AH. The world does not exist to conform to her issues, and she is going to have to accept that. Honestly, if her OCD is that unmanageable then she needs to be living alone where she has complete control and doesn’t have to be considerate of others. I’m sorry that she struggles, but you shouldn’t have to deny and very small, basic aspect of your culture and faith just because she doesn’t want to put int the work to cope.
hi. I have OCD. it gets worse when other people accommodate you like this. this is often something you get told in therapy. so she’s not in therapy. shes just raw dogging OCD, and asking those around her to accommodate her worsening symptoms.
you wouldn’t even be helping her. NTA.
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That’s not OCD, that’s being an asshole. NTA
NTA she needs therapy, not someone breaking their religious traditions to appease her
OCD and anal-retentiveness are not the same thing! Besides, a diagnosis does not give someone the excuse to scream at another person.
Ask people on r/ocd what they think.
It sounds like she wants to be your ex-roommate. You should totally make that happen, when possible. You’re NTA. Not even close.
You were incredibly accommodating. I’m not sure what else she expects you to do. If she is that OCD, she probably needs to get some therapy to deal with this because you not only took it down, but also paid maintenance and there’s nothing else you could do for her.
Tell her you’re not doing anything else about this because you’ve already been more than accommodating enough. Nta
NTA. When the holidays come around just let her know that the Christian decorations offend your Jewish faith so she can’t put them up.
NTA. She needs to just deal with it.
NTA. Some things in life are meant to have angles; mezuzot, truss bridges, roof lines, pizza slices.
Keep the mezuza, evict the roommate. Their OCD is no excuse to micromanage your life.
NTA. Having a mental illness does not give one carte blanche to be hostile and irrational to the people in their lives. Your roommate is being ridiculous, and if the slightly different paint color is bothering her so much she can repaint it. Or better yet, she could respect your religious beliefs and seek professional help for her disorder.
NTA. That isn’t OCD, and as someone who actually has it I absolutely hate when people like your roommate misuse the term that way.
NTA But question, are roomie’s Christmas decorations all completely straight up and down? Especially if they are all over the place. I have ADHD and get how something can become incredibly annoying and distracting when another objectively similar thing is not.
It’s sad. It’s probably a good thing for your roomie to live with a normie, but this sort of behavior will make that impossible. Saying this from experience.
NTA. I’m not a doctor, but I’m someone who’s in a relationship with someone who’s had an OCD diagnosis and I feel like I can pretty confidently say that that doesn’t sound like OCD to me, just a very particular and picky person. I feel like a lot of people’s idea of what OCD is like (wanting everything to be perfect, organized, and straight) is not what OCD is actually like (intrusive thoughts, fear of contamination, paranoia, feeling like you NEED to do a compulsion or something terrible will happen, having compulsions that often make no logical sense). IMO, SHE’s the one that needs to get over it. Even if it was an OCD symptom making her act this way, it’s STILL her responsibility to deal with it.
There’s a difference between being OCD and being a horse’s backside. I’m not sure your roommate knows the difference.
I have OCD. NTA. Her medical problem is her’s to deal with and not make a problem for others. You were perfectly reasonable in the placement of your religious artifact.
NTA, I’m so perturbed by this. -A Jew with OCD lol
Yes. Didn’t need to be worded like that.
Roommates need to learn to compromise–in this case you are the only one doing any compromising. If you can accommodate her religion she can accommodate yours. NTA
NTA
Just because you have OCD does not mean you get to control other people. One of the worst things you can do for someone with OCD is dictate your life around their unreasonable requests.
I’m not saying be an absolute menace, but if she has to have absolutely control of every aspect of life, she needs to live alone. And even then, I’m pretty sure she functions in a world where everything is not the exact same uniform color.
If her OCD is that bad, how does she walk down the street with all the cracks in the road sidewalk? How does she walk by graffiti? How does she exist in the world without exploding?
Might as well put it back up to cover the mismatching color, sounds like she’s going to be mad either way. 🤷♀️ Also NTA
Omg do you live with my old roommate? I had a roommate with extreme OCD. She was the only non Jew in our apartment. She went all out decorating for Christmas and I hung up one Chanukah decoration and she took it down because it didn’t match her aesthetic lmao
I’m actually going to say NAH / mild ESH. You have been more than accommodating, especially in taking down the mezuzah and trying to fix the holes in the door, and I do agree that she is being unreasonable in still blaming you for any of this. At the same time, she can’t just “get over” OCD, and it sounds like for whatever reason the doorframe is an issue she is fixating on. (I can also see how a slight slant or even a slight paint variation could even be more triggering for her than an obvious, intentional slant.) She shouldn’t blame YOU for feeling upset but she may not be able to avoid feeling upset, especially about something she sees every time she enters her home.
Just so you know: while it’s traditional for Ashkenazim to hang the mezuzah slanted, straight up and down IS acceptable in situations when it can’t be slanted (such as a narrow doorframe). And Sephardi and Mizrachi Jews actually do hang mezuzot straight up and down. I bet this is a situation in which even an Ashkenazi rav would tell you straight up and down is ok (and better than no mezuzah). Maybe a solution actually could be to tell her you did a little more research and that it IS possible to hang the mezuzah straight, and offer to re-hang it so that it covers up the discoloration. Good luck and shabbat shalom!
ESH.
If she really has OCD, and I’m guessing she does, by definition she can’t “just” get over it. You look at her preferences and see that they’re irrational. I hear what you’re saying and agree that she’s irrational. Mental disorders are inherently irrational though, and even though you and I both know she’s being ridiculous, this kind of thing annoys her like loud/obnoxious music all day and night might annoy you. Just because we think she’s wrong, this still feels really real and important to her. I think you went above and beyond to accommodate her and you are absolutely not the asshole for that (except maybe to yourself for following her preferences in the first place); you’re only an asshole for not fully appreciating how (irrationally) difficult and important this is for her.
But also, OCD isn’t an excuse, which is why she’s also TA. She can’t live her life dictating how other people around her live. If she’s that triggered by small stuff like this, she needs therapy to help her manage in situations that she can’t control, and/or she needs to live alone so that she has more control over her living space. Dictating how your roommate lives is not an acceptable coping mechanism.
NTA. Her ignorance about the mezuzah notwithstanding, you did everything a good roommate should. You asked permission to put it up. When it caused problems you took it down and even had maintenance fill the holes. You are not obligated to manage her mental illness symptoms for her. If she cannot manage her own symptoms the onus is on her to address them with her doctor and therapist.
ESH. Telling her to simply get over it was very dismissive towards her mental health condition, even if is was causing you frustration. Her yelling was also not ok. You both could have handled this in a more friendly and constructive way.
Luckily for you, she doesn’t actually have OCD, because the traits she’s exhibiting aren’t indicative of OCD. She’s not someone who is dealing with compulsions to relieve the distress caused by obsessions. Otherwise, your attitude toward her would be questionable.
In this case, she’s simply a perfectionist and an arsehole. Tell her to sit down and shut the fuck up.
Ten bucks says your roommate never got an actual diagnosis of OCD and just uses it as a way to manipulate others.
NTA.
Have yall noticed the trend of when a title paints the OP as an AH, they actually aren’t. Then when the title makes OP look innocent, they are TA.
Sometimes people have OCD. Sometimes people are just controlling jerks. Sometimes they’re both. Whatever the case, you are NTA
NTA- I have pretty severe OCD, the mezuzah being tilted would annoy me sure but I have spent a lot of time in therapy working so those annoying things don’t effect the people around me and I can cope with the uncomfortableness. Her lack of management of her mental disorder is not your fault.
NTA – tell her it’s good exposure therapy to tolerate OCD triggers. She can’t go through life dictating how others live to accommodate her needs. That is, if she actually has OCD (doubt it). Otherwise, call her out for disrespecting your religion.
NTA. Tell her to stop weaponizing her disability. You compromise where you can, and she learns to manage her illness when compromise isn’t possible.
The world doesn’t cater to these things, and she shares an apartment. IF she really wants to control 100% of the home environment, then she needs to get an apartment by herself.
It is reasonable for you to hang that religious item the way it’s meant to be hung. The proper response on her end should have been a session with her therapist to discuss ways for her to cope.
INFO : has she been diagnosed with OCD, or is it “OCD”
NTA, I’ve had clinical OCD almost my entire life. Now, I completely understand that your roommates needs to have things on the right angles. I’ve absolutely struggled with this myself. If this is causing that big of an issue for them, they really really need help. I’ve seen how my OCD affects my family, and it’s not pretty. Your roommate has no right to dictate how you express your faith. You’re being very accommodating by asking first. They need therapy.
No she has some problems to work out it’s supposed to be tilted to the door not straight 😊 I hope you are doing good
NTA
honestly i know this is complicated but i feel that you should change roommates or apartment because i feel that you are very incompatible, like she will make a fuss over anything that bothers her and like you said a small piece of metal is nothing compared to having the whole apartment filled with christmas decorations like honestly get another roommate or change apartments this is just the start
Ah yes, conditional OCD. It affects only the things you don’t like. Neato.
I’m not Jewish so I had to look up the mezuzah and I find it so ironic that a mezuzah is typically slanted in Ashkenazi Jewish tradition as a compromise between two differing opinions on its placement between horizontal and vertical 😭
I don’t know if your roommate has an official diagnosis of OCD and it’s so severe, things must be absolutely “perfect” but I don’t think it’s fair to you to not have your religious(?) decorations:(
We may need more INFO, but I want to lean (haha) not ta… give us more info and we shall judge
NAH neurodivergent people have the same power level as Jewish people so they just cancel each other out
NTA, like a lot of people are saying, that doesn’t sound like OCD. Also, that’s HER problem to solve. Mental illness is nobody’s fault but it is your responsibility to deal with. If she’s being bothered that much she needs therapy and medication.
NTA. I have OCD, and that’s not my fault (or your roommate’s), but it IS my responsibility. Sometimes the world presents us with surprise exposure therapy, and while this can be hard, it’s a chance to better deal with the intrusive thoughts and compulsions that will inevitably come and that we can’t control. Your roommate can’t control everything around her all of the time, and she should’ve taken this as a chance to deal with her compulsion. You live there too, and you shouldn’t have to dance around her disorder.