I 20F have been dating my boyfriend 23M for almost two years. We have a pretty good relationship and when we’re together everything is great but right now he’s staying with friends until we come back to school and I don’t see him much. I love him a lot but recently I have been struggling with this feeling that he doesn’t put in enough effort which is like weird because he puts in effort but it feels like he only does it because he’s supposed to or because I was complaining. I want to want to feel wanted if that makes sense. I don’t know how to articulate how I am feeling and I’ve been a little stand offish or rude recently because of this. I don’t think it’s break up worthy and that’s definitely not what I want but I don’t know how to tell him how I’m feeling. It’s almost like a feeling of neglect but I know that he’s busy so I don’t want to complain. I feel like he gets frustrated with me when I’m upset that he can’t talk to me, but he finishes work and then hangs out with his friends for like 5-6 hours then talks to me for max 30 min before going to bed and I need more than that. But again I don’t want to force something that he doesn’t want. I don’t know how to really articulate the feeling that I feel but I think I want and deserve to feel missed and desired even when we aren’t together.
What are ways I can bring this conversation up/ what are things I can say without it feeling like I am attacking him?
TL;DR: I (20F) love my boyfriend (23M) and our relationship is good when we’re together, but lately I’ve felt neglected while he’s busy and spending most of his time with friends. I feel like he only puts in effort when I bring it up, and I want to feel genuinely wanted and missed. I don’t want to break up, but I’m struggling to express how I feel without starting a fight.
Comments
That doesn’t sound like a relationship. That sounds like a roommate state. It sounds like you are emotionally not together, not on the same page. As to breakup worthy…are you together if theres no emotional bond?
Sorry to hear what you go through.
Hiding your actual feelings/opinions will worsen the relationship situation. So voice out your actual feelings. I’m sure he’ll try to understand and make some changes to his behaviour to make things work better.
Best advice I can give you is you need to stop focusing on the lack of attention he is giving you and give YOURSELF that attention.
He’s out for 5-6 hours with buds? Well, you need to go out.
He’s barely talking to you? Well, you need to find engaging conversations with incredible people and new friends.
Hobbies, activities, fill your own cup. Be your own boyfriend. Want yourself and delight in yourself. Go take a nice long road trip. Explore. And if he asks what you are up to (he will), or why you didn’t come home until late, etc. – don’t nag. Don’t complain. Let him know you are out there having fun, being with friends. Going on adventures.
Either one of two things will happen:
He continues his low effort and you, in your rich life, realize he isn’t worth it and leave.
He ramps up his effort because your attention is anywhere other than him.
Stop giving this man attention if he isn’t actively giving you any. Start filling your own cup. Because it seems to me it isn’t just him neglecting you – you are neglecting you
Your boyfriend doesn’t care to prioritize you. If you bringing this up has a risk of causing a fight then that’s a red flag. You also run the risk of him changing his behavior only because you brought up the issue. Someone who genuinely loves/cares about their partner isn’t going to be satisfied with just talking to their partner for 30 mins but chooses to hang with their friends for 5-6 hours. Even teenager couples spend more time together.
Since you say he only really puts effort when you bring things up, then that tells you everything. I’m guessing you’ve brought stuff up before, it causes friction, he eventually starts acting “better”, and then after some time he falls back to his normal behavior.
IMO you should never have to ask (especially repeatedly) for a partner to give you basic love/attention. It seems like you guys are not compatible on this aspect.