My brother just recently got married at 19, after only knowing the girl in question for about 8 months. I begged him to reconsider when he showed me the ring and said he was planning on “popping the question”, but he took my pleading as jealousy, as opposed to genuine concern for him. For reference, I am his older brother and have been in a healthy relationship for 4 years and counting. Despite my best efforts, he got married within three months of proposing, and they began living together.
I will keep personal info confidential, but this girl is just the worst. She made no effort to get to know me or my family during the time leading up to the wedding, which I instantly found odd. I had gotten a bad feeling that she may have been a racially prejudiced individual, as she always gave my girlfriend (who is Hispanic) very dirty glances. My sister-law-to-be had not spoken a word to me, had I not made conversation with her myself. My family are very talkative and warm people, so none of us liked this, but we kept it to ourselves.
Fast forward to the wedding day, and this girl is fuming ALL day, over the smallest things. The wedding was planned very quickly and poorly, so naturally everything felt rushed. I asked ahead of time if I could give a speech, and I was told no. I ultimately ended up giving one on the fly, as the best man had not prepared one. After the night had concluded, I found my mother weeping in a storage closet. She told me that my sister in law had been berating her all throughout the day for things not being up to par. My parents did not plan anything, as the bride wanted all the control on that front, so this made no sense. The following day, my girlfriend was met with a text message from my sister in law, accusing her of “stealing” her bouquet. This had never occurred, but the girl was insistent that it had.
Naturally, these experiences had soured our feelings toward this new member to our family, so my girlfriend and I had distanced ourselves. Not even a month later, we had gotten a phone call from my sister in law, crying hysterically. She had claimed that my brother had been beating on her. This was a shock to me and my partner, but we were willing to believe her. So I confronted my brother about it, only for his wife to suddenly change her tune and act as though the phone call was never made. For whatever reason, my girlfriend felt some sort of guilt for “making things worse”. So she sent a message a couple of weeks later to formally apologize, and ask to make amends. In response, my sister in law called my partner an alcoholic (she is not), called “her people” vermin, and said that she would never truly be a part of the family.
We told my parents about all of this, and they were appalled. So they decided to have a talk with this girl, and try to settle things down on our behalf. One week later, we find out that my sister in law is now pregnant, and has already moved 4 hours away with my brother. The day before they were meant to move, my brother reached out and we met and talked. He swore up and down that he never laid a hand on his wife, and that he was so sorry for his behavior. He even stated that he regretted marrying her. This all took place a mere 7 months after the wedding. I’m inclined to believe him, as he has never had violent tendencies.
In the last week or so since they have moved, my two younger sisters told me that they HATED our sister in law, and my parents have echoed the same sentiment, in the most polite ways possible. I guess my only question is: How do I cope with this? She won’t let my brother talk to me, and it just feels like I lost one of my best friends. Is it normal to have an in law that you absolutely hate?
UPDATE: My brother is intensely Christian, and does not believe in divorce. His wife is one of those crazy “Christian/tradwife” types as well.
Comments
oof, his life is about to be a shit show. is your brother sure that’s his baby and she’s not using him?
Yes, it’s sadly normal. You’re grieving your brother while watching him be isolated. Keep your distance, protect your peace, but leave the door open. He may need you later.
Is she not letting your brother talk to you? Or is he just compliant to her?
I truly feel for your situation because I would be heartbroken to lose one of my brothers to such a monster. But at the end of the day, this is ultimately something that falls into his hands. He would choose you and the rest of your family if he wanted to.
Look into narcissistic patterns and abuse patterns, because lying, controlling, creating meaningless non-existent problems, isolating and moving their prey isn’t uncommon. Get to meet with him, outside the home, without her, and listen to him, let him have a shoulder to cry on and tell him if he ever feels he needs to get out of this marriage he needs to contact you ASAP, to document all he can, to keep in touch with your family whenever possible and to put his foot down. It’s his life, too, his family, his peace that’s being destroyed, and he deserves peace and happiness. From all you’ve told in here he doesn’t strike me as someone who’d strike his partner, and her reaction to you showing up speaks volumes. She didn’t even talk to you before, so why would she involve you at that point? Why not someone she trusts more? Her own family, her friends, or even the cops (as someone who was physically abused it doesn’t make sense to me to reach out to people she barely know who may be on his side of things)? Something’s not right, it’s not adding up.
I’m sorry your family is going through this and I pray it gets better. Unfortunately this has happened to multiple family members and it’s heartbreaking. My only advice is to keep you distance and live your life. Your brother chose his path and picked this girl. It will get ugly especially because they decided to add a baby to the mix. I’ve seen some unhinged woman not only claim not only the husbands abused them but their kids too. They spread the most insane rumors about the men. Just give your bother a heads up and you just be there whenever he needs you.
There’s nothing you can do. You have to let him figure it out for himself. Make sure he has lines of communication open with you. He probably knows he screwed up. You definitely need to record those phone calls with either of them and share with each other every single time of they talk to you guys.
I don’t know if this will get downvoted into oblivion, but here goes – I suggest your brother meet with a divorce attorney to discuss his options and to go from there. If he decides to file for divorce, have a plan in place before he serves her bc she could accuse him of anything at this point and the last thing he wants is to get convicted of crime he didn’t even commit. He will have to take responsibility for the child if a DNA test proves the child is his, but it’s far better to raise a child as a single parent rather than in a hostile home environment which can do irreparable harm to the child.
Give it a month, then you and your entire family need to go get him… he is being abused.
Sadly there is nothing to “deal with” aside grieving the loss of your brother.
You can make all the insinuations that you want and the SIL sounds horrific, but the bottom line is that your brother chose her over his family and needs to deal with those consequences in his own.
Let him know that if and when he extricates himself from her you will support him but until that time he and his wife are not welcome members of your family.
STOP SHIFTING BLAME TO THE SIL, your brother needs to be accountable for his choices. He can leave whenever he wants, petition the court for his parenting time and still be a present father. If he’s still with her, that’s HIS CHOICE
You send your brother a burner phone to wherever he works, that he can leave at work and have communication.
Your brother is in an abusive relationship.
You and your parents need to set aside money to pay for an attorney that he will someday, hopefully need. You need to reinforce that nobody is expected to stay in a marriage where they are treated badly.
Tell your parents to make quick day or overnight trips to visit and that they should bring cash so that they are never turned away. They keep things positive short and sweet and your dad should always pull your brother away to the car to look at something with an offer to load him up and head home or just check in.
If your brother is ever hurt. Someone has to go and make him file a police report. Ask him if his wife has the maturity to care for a newborn.
He needs to get a dna test, and a divorce.
I’m guessing you have four balls, bro, because your brother is clearly missing his…
not everybody needs to be around family as much as you.
she just might want to be her own family of two.
I applaud that if it’s the case.
Your brother was enchanted by good pussy!!!
Now the banshee came out and is pregnant. If your brother wants a relationship with his family he needs to grow a backbone or divorce her.
Now, is she really pregnant?
“I’m already pregnant, we don’t need contraception, can’t get pregnant twice”!!!
If they haven’t been married long, they might be able to get an annulment.