I (25F) am 35 weeks pregnant. From the beginning of this pregnancy (first one btw), my MIL has been DOWN MY NECK about my weight. Every time I see her, it’s like she can’t help herself but comment on my body. It started out as “Wow, you barely look pregnant”, but quickly spiraled once I DID start showing. I started showing fairly early, around 17 weeks (at least I’m told this is early for the first pregnancy). She immediately switched to “you really need to start watching your diet, don’t want to give my grandbaby diabetes!” Mind you, she says this with a… supportive tone? As if she’s looking out for me?
—We had a pretty good relationship before I got pregnant, but it’s like now she just has the nerve to say anything and everything on her mind??
Now that I’m almost done cooking, I have gained quite a big of actual weight. Gave in to my cravings, which include a lot of sugar (of course.) I’ve gained about 40lbs, and it’s evident. My face is rounder, my arms and legs have definitely gotten bigger. I’m not exactly happy about it, but it’s not like I can actively try to LOSE weight at this point, I’m trying to give myself grace and remind myself that this isn’t forever, the weight can and will come off.
NOW— MILs birthday party was yesterday. I told my husband in advance I wouldn’t be attending, because I REALLY don’t feel like being berated about my weight or appearance. He completely understood. She has also made fun of his weight his entire life, so he gets why I don’t want to be around that. I received a few texts this morning from MIL that I’m selfish for not coming to her party. My husband told me to ignore her and that he’d deal with her. But part of me wants to tell her why I didn’t come. I’ve never fought back against her when she says things about me. My husband usually always takes over. I want to tell her that I didn’t want to be the laughing stock of her 56th birthday party. Other part of me feels like it’s not worth it, it’d probably just give her more ammo. The kicker is that SIL has gotten involved saying I really hurt MIL. I haven’t responded to her either. I’m just… wtf?
So yeah, AITA for hurting MILs feelings by not showing up to her birthday party?
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I (25F) am 35 weeks pregnant. From the beginning of this pregnancy (first one btw), my MIL has been DOWN MY NECK about my weight. Every time I see her, it’s like she can’t help herself but comment on my body. It started out as “Wow, you barely look pregnant”, but quickly spiraled once I DID start showing. I started showing fairly early, around 17 weeks (at least I’m told this is early for the first pregnancy). She immediately switched to “you really need to start watching your diet, don’t want to give my grandbaby diabetes!” Mind you, she says this with a… supportive tone? As if she’s looking out for me?
—We had a pretty good relationship before I got pregnant, but it’s like now she just has the nerve to say anything and everything on her mind??
Now that I’m almost done cooking, I have gained quite a big of actual weight. Gave in to my cravings, which include a lot of sugar (of course.) I’ve gained about 40lbs, and it’s evident. My face is rounder, my arms and legs have definitely gotten bigger. I’m not exactly happy about it, but it’s not like I can actively try to LOSE weight at this point, I’m trying to give myself grace and remind myself that this isn’t forever, the weight can and will come off.
NOW— MILs birthday party was yesterday. I told my husband in advance I wouldn’t be attending, because I REALLY don’t feel like being berated about my weight or appearance. He completely understood. She has also made fun of his weight his entire life, so he gets why I don’t want to be around that. I received a few texts this morning from MIL that I’m selfish for not coming to her party. My husband told me to ignore her and that he’d deal with her. But part of me wants to tell her why I didn’t come. I’ve never fought back against her when she says things about me. My husband usually always takes over. I want to tell her that I didn’t want to be the laughing stock of her 56th birthday party. Other part of me feels like it’s not worth it, it’d probably just give her more ammo. The kicker is that SIL has gotten involved saying I really hurt MIL. I haven’t responded to her either. I’m just… wtf?
So yeah, AITA for hurting MILs feelings by not showing up to her birthday party?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I should have sucked it up and gone, as I’ve attending her other birthday festivities. Realistically, her party wasn’t about me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Umm NTA.
You’re not responsible for protecting someone’s feelings when they’ve consistently disrespected yours. Your MIL has been making rude, uncalled-for comments about your body throughout your pregnancy. That’s not supportive, it’s invasive and hurtful. Avoiding a situation where you’d be uncomfortable or ridiculed is self-protection, not selfishness.
You even gave a heads-up and your husband backed you. That’s reasonable. If MIL is hurt, she should look at why you didn’t feel safe being there. SIL jumping in just adds to the drama, and you don’t owe either of them a reaction right now.
If you want to say something, keep it direct and calm. But honestly, your peace is more important than her birthday party. You made the right call.
NTA, but definitely let your husband take the lead on answering (and maybe mute her on your phone for a while, you don’t need that kind of stress from her at the end of your pregnancy).
Just say you weren’t feeling well, you didn’t want to be excusing yourself at the party to go puke. Don’t get into a bicker war this close to your due date it’s added stress for you, ignore them. After you have your baby talk to your husband and let him know the gloves will be off if she carrie’s on with her bs. So maybe he can check her now and save the drama.
At 35 weeks pregnant you have the right to go or not go wherever you want as far as social occasions are concerned.
Your MIL is a bully and you have every right to avoid her and the stresses she causes you.
Just say you aren’t feeling well — which is not exactly a lie — you feel bad about seeing her, don’t you? So don’t give yourself that agita, let your husband carry the flag for the two of you, and let him defend you as necessary. It’s clear that he knows how she is.
NTA AT ALL.
Stay home, watch a movie, read a book, eat some damn bonbons if you want. You have earned the right.
I don’t think 40lbs is a wild amount to gain during pregnancy.
[removed]
Dear MIL, I was so very sorry to miss your birthday celebration yesterday and know that you had a wonderful time with friends and family. I’m sure you remember how difficult the last few weeks of pregnancy were and appreciate you understanding that I’m just not up for the same things I was a year ago. Next year though? I will be there!
NTA, why would you subject yourself to her bs.
NTA. Not the important part, but who gets mad about missing a 56th birthday party?
Good on you for staying home.
NTA. Your husband clearly isn’t dealing with MIL as she is continuing to be rude and disrespectful. Just because he is used to it does not mean you should be expected to tolerate it. I do think she should have been directly confronted many weeks ago instead of letting it go on this long. Your husband should be handling her. In fact I find it disappointing that he still attended the event without you; he should have refused to attend and explained exactly why. Your husband needs to stand up to his mother, you should be his priority! MIL is a bully.
She just missed her favourite target to mess with. She wanted to show off how big you got. NTA
Nta I’d respond in group text sorry was there no one else you could have belittled there???
You need to start standing up for yourself now. Tell her you didn’t attend because you’re exhausted seeing as how you’re nearing the end of your pregnancy AND you are frankly no longer willing to put up with her constant comments and insults about your appearance. Period. Unless she changes, she won’t be welcome to come around
NTA. Protect your peace. Your MIL sounds toxic. Your husband has your back, so let him handle it.
NTA. Sounds like your MIL has a PhD in fatphobia. Still shouldn’t be your circus, your monkey.
Before saying anything, ask yourself: do you want to speak up because it might help the relationship long-term? Or are you just (understandably) itching to let it all out? Either reason is valid—just make sure it’s worth the emotional energy.
NTA, and let him deal with his mom. And do jot tell her why you skipped she will use that against you. Just put her on mute until YOU are ready to deal with her again. Hopefully, after baby is here and home and you are all settled in.
NTA at all. Don’t give in and don’t go down to her low level. I would just block her and ignore her. It’s his mother so he can deal with it. It worked with my MIL. Each daughter in law left the group chat after finally being done with her harsh words (there’s 4 of us). It’s very liberating. 2 of my SIL’s refuse to see and speak to her and the other lives overseas. I stopped seeing her for a couple of years too. It just worked out that way. Mind you this happened after 15+ years of torture, longer for my SIL’s. At least we have trauma bonded. Don’t wait and put up with it like we did. Set your boundaries now. Cause she’ll come for the grandkids next. My MIL did and it was scaring. It’s not fun explaining to a child why granny called them fat.
But if you do want to say something don’t have it in writing…that saying ‘say it forget it, write it regret it’ is definitely applicable here. Don’t give her any power over you. Don’t give her something she can show other people.
And please don’t put any additional pressure on yourself at this time. Put your feet up, eat your naughty food and get into a mind numbing series. Good luck with the baby honey!
NTA. At all.
Your husband, though, needs to shut this shit down. Hard. Now. If MIL has been commenting on his weight his whole life, and is now emboldened to comment on yours, she is absolutely going to start in on grandbaby sooner than later. Probably even sooner if baby is a girl. Especially because children go through “chubby” phases as their bodies prepare for growth spurts.
He can use new baby as an excuse to make new rules, including absolutely no comments on anyone’s weight, even strangers, when y’all are around. And if she doesn’t comply with any rules y’all come up with, she doesn’t get solo time and/or to see the baby at all. Because if she’s with baby solo you have no idea what she’s doing or saying re: weight.
WTF. No one needs a reason to skip someone else’s birthday but especially so when you are literally growing another human. It’s not selfish to stay home and take care of yourself. NTA. She needs to get over herself.
NTA
The gift she wanted for her birthday was to fat shame you.
Drop her a text saying:
I’m happy to get you a gift for your birthday, but I’m not going to drop it off in person. This is because your regular body shaming of me does not align with my positive body image and healthy pregnancy.
NTA and I feel for your husband having to put up with that throughout his life. I’d guess she has no self-awareness, so naturally, she was offended. I wouldn’t have gone either. I would keep quiet, but only until she brings it up again. Or if nosy sil does. Tell your husband that’s the plan.
NTA.
You could and should avoid drama so close to giving birth. Say nothing. If pushed you or husband can say you felt unwell and needed quiet time and we’re sorry to miss the event.
Your husband can also tell his mama to back off and perhaps calmly say that her comments about other people’s weight are inappropriate and verge on being seen as unkind. She may not mean it meanly but would she say this to non family members? If not, then she should keep her thought to herself. This isn’t you two being dramatic, it’s him giving her constructive feedback about what she can share and that’s her comments can hurt others feelings. If she wants to hurt, she’ll carry on and you’ll know she has this trait.
You definitely don’t want her weight shaming anyone once the baby is here and nor do you want her commenting on your child’s weight as he/she grows.
Weight gain has a genetic component. Is she stick thin or conscious of her own pounds? It may be a transference of fear about herself and her own body shape that is causing her to focus on other people’s extra inches. It’s not ok she’s doing this but sometimes understanding motivation gives you clues on how to manage the situation.
NTA
You, or hubby, need to set some boundaries with her.
She must never mention weight or eating again. The stick is that you will be no contact for a month when she does. The carrot is seeing grandchild if she behaves.
Nope. Good for you for standing up for yourself! Congratulations on your soon to arrive baby! You’ve got this!
NTA. You can’t be expected to subjugate yourself to her insults at any time, especially when you’re 7-8 months pregnant. It sounds like your husband is supportive. He’s telling her to stop, but doesn’t want to kick her out of his life, which is understandable—it’s his mother.
You and your husband need to present a united front and tell MIL that she isn’t welcome in your home, or around you or your child, if shes going to disrespect you. You don’t want the negativity and discouragement, and you don’t want your child exposed to it. There’s enough to deal with in raising a child without grandma giving your child body image issues. Hearing her disrespect also undermines your authority in your child’s eyes.
If she can’t hold her young and be civil, she can’t be in your home. If she can’t refrain from insulting you, even backhanded quips, she can’t see her grandchild. Your husband can still see her, but not in your home. I wouldn’t expect him to cut her off, as long as he can stand his ground and defend you. But you get to set the terms for her coming into your home and seeing your child, and she needs to get her shit together if she wants to do either of those things.
Did your husband send your regrets, or any kind of reason for your absence?
NTA. Start commenting on her weight, maybe rub her belly a little, see if she likes it!
NTA You don’t have to be in a place where they don’t want, she’s not looking out for you, she’s bullying you. If it makes you feel better, tell her why you didn’t go.
You are pregnant, it’s normal to gain weight.
She better look like a damm supermodel if she wants to talk about weight
NTA hon. Don’t worry about the weight, you’re right, it does come off.
Ignore the MIL too. And remember, she needs to play nice because you’re the gatekeeper to her shiny, soon-to-be brand new grandchild.
Don’t tell her why, 35 weeks is quite enough reason to stay home. And chances are it won’t sink in and she’ll use it against you, so don’t go there.