This is the situation I am in. I (23NB) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for 3 years, living together for 2 of those years. Recently, I’ve been seeing some red flags, and I need people’s input on whether this is salvageable or not. They’re not huge, but I need to know if I’m right to feel off about them:
- He always walks ahead of me when we’re out. Today I kind of snapped and told him it feels like he’s trying to make it look like we’re not dating. He got defensive and told me to “walk faster.” For context, I’m overweight, and while I’m not limited in my mobility, there’s no way for me to walk as fast as him and be comfortable.
- He won’t spend time with me. We’re both gamers, but he calls my games “boring”. While I appreciate that our desks are next to each other, just doing our own thing side-by-side doesn’t feel like quality time to me. When I suggest playing his games, he always has excuses like, “I’d need to make a new account,” “you won’t like it,” “it’s too hard for you,” or “gaming with you isn’t like with the boys.” Any outdoor outings I suggest get shut down: too expensive, too many people (he has agoraphobia), or “I won’t like the activity.” Even nature walks are dismissed because he says he prefers walking alone so I don’t slow him down.
- We have no shared projects or plans. He’s not sure if he wants to marry me, have kids, get a house, or even get a dog (we do have a cat together). Anytime I try to plan something even a few months ahead, he says it’s too far away to know until the day before.
- He refuses to visit my family with me. My family is really important to me, but I live far away due to my studies. It takes 3 hours each way, so I only see them once a month. When I asked him to come with me more than once a year, it turned into a long discussion where he basically said, “I understand it’s important to you, but I refuse to be bored, and my comfort is more important than what matters to you.”
This is the outcome that I want: I want a relationship where we actually spend time together, where I don’t feel like an inconvenience, and where we can at least talk about the future. I’m trying to figure out if there’s anything else I can do to get through to him or if this is just who he is.
What should I do to get that outcome? Is this worth trying to fix, or am I missing clear signs that this isn’t going anywhere?
TL;DR:
My boyfriend (22M, together 3 years) and I seem to not be on the same wavelength. I want a relationship where I feel seen and valued. Can I fix this or is it time to move on?