I woke up a little later than usual today because I was up late working on music. My fiancé was already outside sunbathing with her coffee. She looked relaxed, so I didn’t want to bother her. I assumed she’d already had enough and was good.
Later, I brewed a pot of coffee for myself. When she came back in and saw me pouring it, she said, “Why didn’t you ask if I wanted some?” in a sarcastic tone.
I told her I figured she already had some and didn’t want more. I even brewed extra just in case and offered to pour her some. She said no, again sarcastically.
A few minutes later she says, “What bothers me is the thought. It’s the fact you didn’t think to ask me. It makes me feel like you don’t love me.”
That honestly frustrated me. I’m a teacher and on summer break. Every single morning this summer, I wake up early to make her coffee, fill her water bottle, do all the little things to help her morning go smoother. I’ve done this every day, no matter how tired I am. One time I overslept and she blamed me for being late to work. Every other day, I’ve done it.
Meanwhile, during the school year, I go in earlier than her. She says she’ll make me coffee, but most of the time she sleeps through it (“she didnt feel me get up.” Maybe did it 3 or 4 times all year. I never complain, I just make it myself and move on.
So now I’m being told I don’t love her because I didn’t ask about coffee on one of her days off, when she already had some?
It just feels like a double standard. And when I bring stuff like this up, she always says I don’t see her side or that I’ll never understand.
I really don’t get it.
Comments
When you dump the coffee out later, dump the girlfriend too
I don’t either. If I had seen you with another pot, I wouldn’t have given it a thought. You’re NTA. She sounds as though she’d been looking for something to gripe about, because that’s a stretch.
I think you do get it, she’s quick to think of herself and slow to sympathize with you. That’s the kind of person she is, don’t over complicate it.
Major Gas lighter and you don’t have to put up with that.
NTA
If the pot was empty/not enough for another cup, why didn’t she make some so there’d be some for when you got up? Or even if she wanted another cup?
As a coffee fiend, you never wait or rely on someone else to supply my addiction.
Obciously NTA, but is this an unusual conversation? does she tend to find things to fight about, and how often does she do it? Do you know when her menstrual cycle is? Does she have PMDD?
Seems your fiancée thinks her wants and needs are the only ones that matter and should be the only ones considered at all times.
NTA.
Good luck with this one.
She has issues bigger than a pot of coffee.
If she thinks not asking her if she wants coffee is the same as you not loving her then get out now before your entire life is a stream of “you don’t love me because insert minor non-issue”. This happened to a friend of mine. A text novel every day about how nothing was ever good enough. It starts small.
Wow that seems like a huge overreach about equating not offering coffee to not being loved. It sounds as if she’s pretty immature about other things as well-probably time to pack her swimsuit and show her the door
“Every single morning this summer, I wake up early to make her coffee”
Do yourself a favor and get a programmable coffee maker. We set it up every night when we’re cleaning up after supper, and never have to worry about is there coffee when we get up. Unless there’s a power outage – then we have to remember to reset the clock and programming!
NTA
“I didn’t ask you if you wanted coffee for the same reason you didn’t ask me to sunbathe with you.”
What you’ve got there is a princess. Not the good kind.
As someone who ignored the red flags, married anyway, and lives in a constant state of regret … think very carefully about your whole relationship. People do not change.
Yeah I guess sarcastically wasn’t the best word. It was more like an intent to make me feel bad about it
Instead of appreciating your efforts, she’s become entitled. And she doesn’t reciprocate your actions. I’d make this a long engagement while I thought about whether I’d want to spend my life with someone who seems so self centered and entitled.
Whoa. Did all that sun make her more of a gaslighter?
Holy Passive Aggression, Batman! Imagine telling your SO that “it feels like they don’t love you” over a cup of COFFEE. Would Princess like a new Ferrari with that telepathic coffee order as well?
NTA. This woman sounds shamelessly selfish and spoiled.
Sounds like she’s about 12 years old mentally but you’re a school teacher…. Maybe that’s why you’re attracted to her?
NTA. She is.
nta. she sounds like she’s looking for a reason to be angry at you, because wtf??
She’s not going to get any easier to live with. She should still be on her best behavior
She’s taking advantage and nothing you say and do will be good enough..
Is she always this exhausting?
NTA! She’s not nice and selfish
NTA. You’ll have lots of coffee without her around. Time to kick her out.
I think you need to tell her. Her reaction to your heart felt feelings (even leaving out how she doesn’t reciprocate during the year) will tell you a lot.
Sounds to me like she just wanted to fight. So No, you are not the AH
So she didn’t make enough coffee for you to have some. She then gets upset when you didn’t read her mind and bring her more coffee. This women is entitled and doesn’t give the same energy to you as she expects from you. Sit her down and discuss all of this and if she can’t see the problem then you have a problem.
She is the AH not you
She sounds like a reeeeeeeeeal troublemaker. Proceed with caution.
NTA
Women if you do this shit men hate and despise you. Period.
Give her a little malicious compliance. No matter what time you get up, ask her even if you have to wake her up. Then start getting up earlier than her, wake her up to ask her if she wants coffee. Maybe even bring it to her, then wake her up and insist she drink it right then so she can’t say no. If she doesn’t drink it, say you feel like she doesn’t love you because she won’t drink the coffee you brought to her in bed (at 2 am).
Friend, please don’t marry before getting couples counseling.
If you two can’t talk about such simple things now it will only brew (sorry pun not intended) more and more resentment over time.
This doesn’t sound like a good foundation for marriage.
If you offer coffee, you are disturbing her. How dare you? If you don’t offer coffee, you are selfish. How dare you? I would rather be lonely than miserable.
Do you really want to live with someone like this the rest of your life? It won’t change
Sometimes men bully women , children, men,
Sometimes women bully men, women, children,
It is time for YOU to LEAVE
Walk AWAY
N
T
A
Better ALONE Than ABUSED
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Your fiance? Do you really want to be married to that attitude for the rest of your life? Or at least until you have to suffer thru a painful divorce?
NTA. Tell her to grow up. And I would stop doing the extra things for her until she does it for you in some way in return. If she asks why, tell her that you can only do these things with no reciprocation for so long before it just looks like she’s using you. She is being selfish.
Neither do I.
She is high maintenance. You have a fiancée problem. This would be enough to make me re-think the engagement. And I’m female, if that makes any difference.
How hard would it have been to ask? Would it have cost you time or money? Would it have ruined your future chances of getting an Oscar? Would it have aged you prematurely?
Look how much space you took up explaining yourself. I think you need to do some self-examination, because something is going on you are not acknowledging. YTA.
Well she certainly sounds like someone looking for a fight. Can you imagine a lifetime of this? NTA
Sounds like gaslighting to me.. She has other issues to work on than worrying about a cup of coffee.
NTA. Tell her she didn’t need any more coffee cus the cup she had must’ve made her stupid enough already.
NTA. Life can be better for you. You’re not a slave. She’s selfish and wear you out if you give and give in a relationship. It’s a 2-way street
Your girlfriend is toxic and for some reason you think she’ll listen to reason, except that she’s not reasonable.
My spouse was a teacher and there was some jealousy on my part regarding all the days off. Maybe that’s what it is. There’s always the option to also become a teacher, but most aren’t cut out for it!
Tell her if she really feels like you don’t love her than perhaps she should break up with you, tell her you would never want her to be in a relationship with someone who she feels doesn’t love her. Let her know that you don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t see all the ways that you love her.
Definitely DON’T ask her about her period right now but maybe you should start following her cycles because it sounds like she’s in one of those crabby premenstrual moods. (Saying this as a woman myself) You might do yourself some good by knowing when you need to duck and cover on your way out the door to buy some chocolate and tampons.
“What bothers me is the thought. It’s the fact you didn’t think to ask me. It makes me feel like you don’t love me.”
oh hell, thats an escalation of a weird mind, you want to live with that for the rest of your life?
NTA. You made enough coffee for her. She is itching to pick a fight, probably because you had the audacity to sleep in instead of getting up early to act like her servant. She says you may never “understand”, but really, she doesn’t want you to “understand.” She wants you to wait on her and gets upset if you don’t.
You need a lot of stamina to withstand exhausting behavior
She’s jealous! Enjoy your coffee and ignore her snide remarks.
Don’t marry the gaping maw of neediness
wow if a cup of coffee triggers her insecurities, you’re in a world of hurt in the future lol
You two get married and you have a child either on purpose or by accident.
She is going to raise that child to act like this. This is, “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine” behavior.
No amount of parenting by you will turn your child out differently.
Now, 6 years down the line you two divorce. Is she someone you want to have to coparent with for the next 19 years?
I hold my partner to the same standard I hold myself to. Ask yourself, is her exact behavior something she would accept from you?
If you want to put my behavior theory to the test, start looking at a vehicle to replace yours. When she asks why, tell her you’ve been reading up and your vehicle has a high percentage of transmission failures and you’re upgrading ahead of it becoming a paperweight.
Make sure it is nicer/newer/more expensive than hers. Make it known it would be your vehicle and she would not be driving it and watch her reaction. I bet she’ll suddenly “need” a new vehicle too but it will be “better” than what you’re searching for.
Hi Slave, how’re ya doin’? Talk about a controlling B***H!!! And that’s only coffee. What else is she demanding about? I’ll bet plenty. As they say here on Reddit, Red Flag!!! Time to rethink the relationship. I would say RUN as fast as you can, away from this Broad!!!
Dude, if your gf is that petty over a cup of coffee (after you give her a cup daily) you have more problems than just her temperament. I see entitlement clear as day. Sorry you chose to spend your summer catering to your gf.
Run….very fast.
Yeah bro, I didn’t think I would ever assemble these exact words together but, “You might want to reconsider this marriage over this cup of coffee.” It starts with small things like this. Don’t let it snowball and become a bigger thing. I will say, maybe talk to her first and let her know how you feel about it and how it bothers you, communication is key. How she reacts, will tell you everything you need to know.
nta sounds like she’s overreacting. You made coffee and offered her some when she came inside.
NTA. This is a glimpse into the future…
Why are you marrying her? I’m sorry, but it seems like she is just going to keep being awful to you and use you like a doormat. I understand there may be more at play, but why wed someone who seems to think you are her personal punching bag and caretaker.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou
You realize this is what the rest of your life will be like, right?
Sounds like there is always going to be something, and things like coffee are just an excuse.
NTA. You need couples counseling if you want to see if marriage is the best for you two because it looks like there is a disconnect. If this is completely new, funds out what is going on because I doubt you want to deal with any of that in the future.
You don’t love her because you didn’t ask if she wanted coffee??? At 54 years of marriage, I don’t know if this is hilarious or really sad.
NTA
I don’t think her pedestal is high enough.
Have you voice your concerns calmly with your fiancee?
Sounds like you both offered each other the same thing. Where is the issue?
Just agree with her. “Yes, darling, you have found me out. I don’t love you and I want to let you know by not asking you if you want any more coffee. Now does that make any logical sense?”
She’s selfish – is that the type of woman you want to spend forever with?
“You know what, honey? I think you’re right! When you make a mountain out of a molehill about me not asking if you’d like some of my coffee, it DOES make me love you less.”
I think she’s ridiculous. If she wants more coffee, say, “is there more coffee? I’d like some!”
How is anyone supposed to read the other’s mind?
Like someone else said, “lady, get a real problem”
She sounds pretty immature and self oriented.
NTA but she sounds horrible. She equates you not asking her if she wants coffee that you don’t love her? She is insecure af! You deserve to have a grown adult for a girlfriend not an adult who acts like a 13 y/o.
You say you don’t get it. I think you do. She is a grumpy baby.
NTA, she sounds exhausting.
Find someone who is your emotional equal. You are worth it.
Dont date your students.
NTA
Her entitlement is off the charts.
this sounds like one of those stupid tiktok tests. nta
dump her
This is going to be the rest of your life if you go through with this marriage. Snide little comments when you’ve done nothing wrong and constantly being asked to prove your love.
Your partner is an entitled princess.
She’s a spoiled brat. Stop doing so much for her.
Red flags on har
Sir if you are arguing about petty things you need pre marital counseling. I would recommend counseling to every couple. We didn’t go through counseling prior to marriage and we struggled for many years. Married 37 years but the early years were rough.
She seems selfish, honestly. I saw that you make her a latte every day during the summer, but when you work, she never does even though she says she will. Selfish. She also seems to turn everything around on you instead of doing any self reflection. Find someone who will treat you better and appreciate what you do for her.
NTA and your girlfriend/fiance/lady you live with sounds crazy.
>”It makes me feel like you don’t love me.”
That’s some serious bullshit. It’s her responsibility to manage her feelings and her discomfort. If you make her coffee all the damn time, then that’s “evidence” that you love her. And allowing her a quiet moment or two on the porch without interruption is also thoughtful. She’s picking a fight, but why?
This is a red flag. I hope you talk about it.
She sounds like a jackass. A selfish immature jackass.
NTA
Your gf’s ridiculous. Stop making her coffee. Dump her.
*former fiancé. Fixed it for you.
NTA. She sounds selfish and manipulative. This is likely to get dramatically worse over time. Updateme
Thanks everyone for the replies.
We just talked about everything.
I told her how I’ve been feeling, not just about this but about similar things that have come up before.
She said, “You talk in circles.”
I told her, “If I am, it’s probably because I’m trying to say something that isn’t getting through.”
I even said, “I see your point,” because I do. But what I was hoping for was something like, “You’re right, that doesn’t mean you don’t love me. I was just disappointed and shouldn’t have made you feel bad for it.”
Because I don’t measure love by what someone forgets to do.
Just because something doesn’t happen automatically doesn’t mean the love isn’t there.
But she keeps saying, “You don’t understand me,” or “You’re not listening.”
I know her mom treats her this way all the time. I try to keep that in mind and relate. I see how frustrated she gets when it happens to her, and I wish she could see I feel the same way right now.
My first thought was that it wouldn’t have hurt to ask, but you even made some for her just in case. NTA she can get over herself
That’s called wife material. Pick your battles.
Ummm this is a stupid insignificant argument to have. NTA but I would seriously reconsider this relationship
You literally did think of her though, the entire time.
You thought of her when you noticed she already had coffee and looked peaceful outside.
You thought of her when you brewed more later and made extra “just in case” she wanted some.
NTA
She’s being ridiculous and not recognizing her own double standards.
NTA, but it’s really not about the coffee.
Find someone better.