My dad drilled this into my brain as a young child.
“Women get into a relationship and get fat and stop trying and then men cheat and they wonder why”
It kinda haunted me. I am a gay man, but I always think about this even though I’ve been with my partner for 10 years.
He says he doesn’t care, but I don’t believe that either.
Since then, I believe I’ve become super high maintenance out of that being told to me so much. I make sure my outfits are fashionable, my hairs done and I’m groomed well.
I’m not saying I agree, I’m just curious how much this matters maybe even on a subconscious level.
My husband always says “you don’t need to do all that” but I disagree. I genuinely believe if I let myself go it would be the end of the relationship.
I want to believe “all I care about is their personality” but I don’t. I don’t believe deep down that’s all they want. I believe everyone is inherently vain. They say that and their favorite movie stars and porn stars are knockouts. I just don’t buy it, but also my dad kept instilling this in me.
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A lot. You don’t need to be a bikini model but don’t become a fat slob. Most men don’t say this out loud especially if there are kids in the picture.
A lot.
It’s so weird to see women my age like 30lbs+ overweight and I still am fit as I was in my 20s.
I would expect my spouse to at least not let herself go otherwise…ya attraction is going to fade.
Id be disgusted if my wife intentionally made little to no effort to maintain her appearance. Especially because I watch what I eat (no soda, rare fast food, etc), rarely drink, take care of my skin, and workout 3-4x per week.
Now if she were injured, afflicted by a disease or disorder, etc., that would be entirely different.
It’s especially annoying if you make effort while your partner gets fat.
With that said, I think both genders are guilty of this. Plenty of fit women who do their cardio while their husband gains weight and rocks that beer belly.
In the same way women hate when men stop trying after they get in a relationship, men hate when women stop trying, it seems pretty straight forward to me.
Especially since, that’s not just affecting the man her health affects her too in this specific case. You shouldn’t want to be snorlax
I actually believe that it IS important to take care of yourself and while I try not be to a jerk, I do get a little judgemental when I see friends “let themselves go” after getting married.
That said, in my case it’s been the men who all of a sudden start putting on weight, not the woman.
Honestly, not a ton. People change as they age. My wife had twins and that was really hard on her. She doesn’t look like she did in her 20s, but she’s no less beautiful to me now. She also makes an effort to maintain herself. We both do.
If she completely gave up, I would be worried that she was in a place, emotionally/mentally, that would be a different concern. Cause for therapy or something similar.
It’s huge for me as someone heavily into physical fitness. My wife gained weight after both of our kids. That’s understandable completely. I love her. If she gained 50 lbs I’d still love her. 100lbs I still would. But at the end of the day she wants to be attractive for me and I want to be attractive for her. That’s how you sustain a relationship. She’s obviously heavier than when we met over 20 years ago but she’s dieted many times and come down to a healthy weight. She always dresses nicely and wears fitting clothes. She doesn’t even own “comfy” clothes.
I’m still fit for my age. I do it for her now if I’m honest. At 45 and working 12-14 hour days sometimes I’ve no interest in hitting the gym some days but she makes me want to. And if you lose that… You’re living with a room mate.
The problem with “letting yourself go” is that there is an attraction element to it which is less than ideal but the problem with it is far, far bigger than that. My wife seriously let herself go, massively. She is smaller than me and weighs quite a bit more than me.
The problem with that is her quality of life is awful. She’s contantly getting headaches, she’s unwell, takes days off. There’s always a niggle or two there. She fell over, whilst walking, and bruise her leg really badly which took ages to heal.
Putting on weight is absolutely lethal for your health. It brings with it a much more elevated risk of many nastys: diabetes, stroke, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer. The list of awfulness it brings with it is terrible.
I personally, treated my own body like an amusement park until 45. I then sorted my life out, lost 20% of my body weight and am now a marathon runner. In the last 5 years I’ve not been ill. I’ve caught covid a couple of times, maybe had a cough, but have not really ever been unwell. Also your ability to run for the train, to stand at a concert without it hurting you, not waking up with gout or bursitis. I remember flying to a business trip in the US and thinking to myself “I hope I don’t get any mobility problems whilst I’m there”. I used to push the trolley around the supermarket because it was the only way I could get around.
That is the real problem of letting yourself go. Your quality of life just plummets. It happs so slowly though you don’t even notice it.
A few months ago I opened up a box, from about 3 years ago, that was at the back of a cupboard at work from when we moved office. I looked inside and found Rennie Tummy tablet, Paracetomal and just a huge number of non prescription drugs I needed to get me through the weeks.
I can’t even remember the last time I took a pain killer.
The last bus leaves at 45, you need to have your health in order by then otherwise you are setting yourself up for a very unhealthy, difficult, old age. I need to get about another 30 years out of my body so I can see my children marry. That’s the goal I’ve set myself. Now when I go for a run first thing on a Saturday morning I don’t do it for me, or my wife, I do it for them so I can there on their wedding day. Sadly, I’m pretty sure, I’m the only parent who will make it to that day.
letting yourself go isnt as much about how look as it is what it says about you. You become so comfortable you prevent yourself from improving, and thats just sad in my opinion. Fat is a mindset, not an appearance. If you cant put in the effort for yourself, are you going to put it in for me or our kids? I would breakup before I cheat, but I wouldn’t be attracted to a person who let themselves go, and i wouldn’t stay with them if they refuse to acknowledge it.
Court each other for life. That includes staying healthy – both for attraction and to prevent your spouse needing to become your caretaker for as long as humanly possible. An ounce of prevention and all that is an underrated way of respecting and honoring your significant other.
My ex gained 25 lbs for every year we were together. I lost weight. I wanted to stay for because she found me sexier. And she just kept getting bigger.
I really couldn’t give a fuck – as long as we’re getting fat together. Me and the wife both put on a bit of weight after the kids, nothing major, and I still love every inch of her.
Deal breaker.
Obviously we can’t all stay ripped and young forever, but nobody wants to be married to a fat slob. It’s not just looks either. Nobody wants their spouse to take the hit to confidence, health, energy, and general mood as well.
I think there’s going to a wide spectrum of interpretation of “let yourself go”. It sounds like you have a very high bar while your husband’s is lower. He probably doesn’t want you to put on 50 lbs but doesn’t care about your outfit and hairstyle. I wouldn’t want my wife to let herself go whereas she’s already convinced she has. Her and I have different standards for what’s acceptable.
I would like to say that if I were in love, it wouldn’t matter, but I would be lying.
In my twenties, I had a long-term relationship with a girl who was amazing. We had fun together, shared similar values, and I loved her family—they were the best “in-laws” I’ve ever had. I knew her to some degree before we started dating, and she was a natural beauty.
Over time, as we dated, she went from about 125 lbs to likely close to 170 lbs. What drove me most insane was that, even though she was aware of her weight gain, she continued to eat poorly and almost gloat about how much weight she was putting on. To top it off, she would burp and fart loudly, thinking it was funny. As awesome as she was otherwise, deep down I thought, “What a pig,” and I started to resent her. My resentment ultimately led me to treat her poorly.
So, yes, I need to be physically attracted to my partner.
If she has a kid I’d be more flexible about her gaining weight than if she doesn’t have a kid.
Letting herself go doesn’t necessarily mean getting fat. It’s taking care of her appearance.
Bodies change after kids. That’s fine. it’s normal, but when the desire to look better for your spouse goes, that’s not normal or acceptable. If she can wear make up, a nice dress and heels for work but you see her in a ratty old bathrobe, thats not right.
If she’s going to stop caring about herself, so am I.
I’m the type of dude that lives in the gym, working out whenever I can. Never really been out of shape in my (young) adult life
My absolute biggest turnoff in a woman is laziness and every girl I’ve ever dated gained weight from being a alcohol drinking, junk food eating, “ughhh I don’t feel like getting the remote” ass bitch and it 100% caused me to lose attraction.
Extreme laziness disgusts me in both men and women
No one specifically told that to me. I believed it through pop culture et al.
I do have the fear in the back of my mind though. Mostly that marriage leads to complacency.
Fortunately the negative health effects of being overweight are enough reason to stay healthy
I only said something to my wife when we were walking into town and she was way out breath. It had zero to do with her looks or figure I was just worried about her but ultimately it was her choice whether to do something about it or not.
I think context matters.
If both people “let themselves go” during the relationship, you’re in it together.
However if one person “lets themselves go” while the other does not, I can understand how it could cause resentment to build.
It does. Not necessarily just because of the loss of physical attraction. I have a pretty range of body types I’m attracted to. Even if I may prefer my wife to be slightly smaller or more toned like she was when we first met, I’m not really going to fight about an extra 50 lbs over time.
The part that bothers me is the assumption that my wife doesn’t have to try for me because I committed. It feels like a bait and switch. I try to stay healthy and look attractive for my wife, and I don’t think it’s unfair to expect effort in return. She doesn’t have to be the hottest person on the planet because I definitely am not that myself. But I’d take offense to her thinking she doesn’t have to do anything to make me feel attracted to her when I do things to make her feel attracted to me
It’s normal for appearance to change over time, no one should expect their spouse to always look like they did in their young 20s. However if you low-key get cat fished and your partner isn’t recognizable after just 2-3 years, I think that’s a whole different thing and justifiable if you’re no longer attracted to them or want to be with them.
Yeah kind of a lot. It’s the commitment aspect.
If she let herself go, I’d definitely lose some attraction. Doesn’t mean I’ll cheat.
I would become very upset if my partner became unhealthy and fat after marriage. I understand an extra 5-10 pounds over the course of the marriage, but I work hard as fuck to keep myself looking good for my partner and I would expect some of that effort back.
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I don’t agree with your dad specifically, because when you look at the research into why men cheat it is always more involved than simply the other woman was better looking. And a lot of those knockout movie stars and porn stars get cheated on and broken up with too.
However, I do think there is at least a correlation between a lack of care for your own appearance and a lack of care for your relationship. I think they often go hand-in-hand and when a relationship breaks down when a woman has “let herself go” it becomes easy to just blame it on a superficial asshole than take accountability for the lack of care for the relationship.
Absolutely zero care would bother me. But I have zero desire to have her 10/10 every moment of every day.
It’s part of the “non-said” things you wish your partner would do (or not do in that case). It feels harsh to have to ask for it so you do not say it out loud (especially since the threshold is hard to give an explicit line for) but wish your partner would understand that there is a breaking point.
I’m 100% the kind of man to put effort on myself and I’d also do stuff just to please her too. I expect some effort back in return even if I’d never ask for it unless the situation start to get critical and I’m considering breaking up then I’d bring it up and ask for it.
It’s a balancing act.
On the one hand you need to maintain your attractiveness to your partner. Relationships have a sexual component to them, and when one partner loses attraction for another that’s usually very disruptive.
However you shouldn’t compare yourself to someone else’s movie stars. Hugh Jackman for example beeds to know the exact day of a shirtless scene half a year in advance to calibrate his diet and workout regiment, and Robert Pattison infamously stated that he’s only got abs two weeks a year. Movie Star attractiveness is simply unattainable for most of us
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Assholes cheat men do not. I know the love I feel for my wife far surpasses the 100+ lbs she put on after 3 kids. She was beautiful before and she was beautiful after. She was and is beautiful after she lost the weight and the loose skin that came after. I just don’t care about the superficial things. She’s smoking hot and I let her know every day.
Any guy I’ve ever known who cheated lived the following reality:
-They experience desire spontaneously and feel connection to their partner through sex.
-For whatever reason, sex frequency changed over time, making them feel less connection to their partner.
-They found a different person (either one-time or long term) who chose to engage in sex with them, making them question their connection strength with their original partner.
This isn’t about weight. Nine times out of ten, it’s about desire, communication and attempts at personal happiness or fulfillment.
Weirdly I grew up being told men got lazy and fat and women did everything. I guess both can be true, but similar to you, it led me down an obsession with exercise and staying in shape that is still with me now…but I’m happy with it.
So what I care about is my wife being healthy. If she is a bit chubby, that is ok. If she becomes properly overweight, especially if it is not for a good reason (pregnancy/medical issue), I am bothered
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It doesn’t bother me as much as having compliments rejected and them not taking care of themselves.
People can get heavier, but that doesn’t always mean they are extremely unhealthy.
Watching a partner self destruction and eating themselves to death at an accelerated rate and getting yelled at for encouraging better habits is taxing.
Fat is the byproduct of laziness. I don’t want to be with a lazy person. I can’t respect someone who doesn’t try.
I’ve been married for 25 years. My wife definitely doesn’t look 25 anymore. I love her more now than when I started and would never hurt her by cheating.
People who cheat are just scum who feel the need to justify their actions.
I know it sucks to hear this. Not all men are like this. Also I think if you gain weight but you are still trying and exercising or are active is still fine and attractive. But becoming unhealthy is not an attractive quality imo. Sure people can fluctuate weight given stress and stuff outside of the home. But to me it is a change in personality and priorities. I think everyone, men and women, should try to live their healthiest life for their partner and kids. Mental health issues or chronic disease you have no control over Is the only acceptable reason to lose oneself. Just saying fuck it and not caring how you look in my opinion is kind of selfish in my opinion. You don’t need to be obsessed over it just try to live a relatively healthy life.
Same goes both ways. Age does things to people, and women often have the added element of childbirth to contend with.
It matters a lot.
You owe it to your partner to at least TRY to be the person they fell in love with.
My partner gained a lot of weight after a year. Actually, now that I think about it, every partner I ever had gained a lot of weight about a year in.
The result was a steady decline in my attraction to them. Talking to them about it lovingly didn’t help, it never does.
I can’t be attracted to obesity. It’s the #1 thing I filter out when dating. If I didn’t want to be with a fat person, and specifically selected a partner that wasn’t fat, I won’t be happy to be stuck with a fat person shortly after. It feels like you got tricked, and the person believes that your standards of attraction suddenly don’t apply to them once they’re in a relationship with you.
That’s not how things work. If you had kids, that’s a totally different story. But if you gained a ton of weight by not making any effort to maintain your health whatsoever, you are disrespecting your partner and your relationship.
Yes it matters. It shows a lack of concern for their health, and effort matters too.
There’s a huge difference between gaining weight as one ages, and letting yourself go. The latter being a complete lack of effort, concern for themselves and their partner. It’s unattractive on more than just a physical level.
It bothers most men (myself included), a lot. Most are scared to say it, because while women can trash a man’s height or size of his dick, if a man sets physical standards for a woman, in areas they can actually control, he’ll be lynched.
It’s one thing to age. It’s another to pack on 100lbs and wear sweats all day, everyday.
We got fat together. I lost a heap of weight and my wife didn’t come on that journey with me. I have since put it back on. It bothers me that she never tried. I want us to be healthier.
All that said, I’d never cheat. That just isn’t me. I’d choose death before I chose to compromise my integrity and my family.
More than we’re allowed to say.
No one is young forever but I’ve seen some women begin to lack on general hygiene, never mind getting fat.
Hugely.
Would you like it if you bought a car and then after you drive it off the dealer’s lot the sales guy comes and steals the tires, smashes the windows and scratches up all the paint?
What about if after you bought your house the next day the real estate agent comes over, busts the windows, removed the bathroom and dumps trash in the kitchen?
We have a responsibility to maintain our health for ourselves, our spouse, our kids, our pets…
I was gone most of yesterday. Until nearly 0900 pm. Chris and Gail are still sleeping.
I personally don’t care in slightest and I hate the phrase “let oneself go”. I don’t want her to do any fasting for me and if she gains weight which is actually harmful for her she would be the primary suffering I still don’t have problems with it.
As for cheating, people cheat because they are assholes, that’s easy. My wife’s friend was cheated on by her 2 husbands and she always was thin.
It is a big deal.
For a few reasons, I’m not talking about being a 10/10 yeah? But remaining in a healthy bodyfat percentage, dressing nice, having skin care etc.. are all important.
I love my significant other and think she deserves the best, part of it is how I look, my personality, my choices etc..
I want the same treatment from a person who loves me.
a whole lot
Apparently it bothers them more than when they let themselves go.
A lot. I’m struggling with this now and every time I try to point out my very real feelings of losing attraction to her she gets defensive and tells me losing weight is “impossible”. She’s already given up and I’m only 42 with a lot to offer and I’m not sure I can see myself going the rest of my life with a woman I don’t find physically attractive.
Today your dad’s comment would strike me as superficial and sexist. I think men are not too different from women if they have been in a long-term relationship: looks matter less and what matters more is the bond you have with your spouse that (hopefully) has grown over time. I am 60 and my wife is 54; I care less about her hair graying and care more that we are still loving each other all these years later. We do make an effort to care for ourselves, too– I lost over 50 lbs about 5 years ago, and my wife stays active– but the quality of the relationship still matters more than what’s on the outside.
This is what true love is. My wife and I have been married over 30 years. Yes, we have both gained some weight and a few wrinkles along the way. You take the good and the bad for a relationship to survive.
I donno, sounds a bit like projection on his part.
Everyone dislikes it if their girl stops taking care of themselves
It’s not a men exclusive thing to want your partner to try to be attractive deep into a long term relationship. Many men also let themselves go hardcore and their wives will either stay silent or say they like dad bods to make them feel better. In the same way, many men will comfort their wives or stay silent, when deep down there is a loss of attraction. We’ve been conditioned not to criticize our other especially when the other already knows how much they’ve gotten fat or sloppy.
Conversely there are also many women and men who are genuinely attracted to their spouses regardless of weight gain / slob behavior. Your mileage may vary
It matters and anyone who says it doesn’t is a goddamn liar. I had a chat with my gf at the time about this. I remember being up front, she wasn’t over weight or anything at the time, far from it, but I let her know where I stood on that issue.
As others say you don’t have to be perfect, no one expects their spouse to be a super model, and yes it’s entirely possible to go to the other extreme where you’re too vain and spend too much time and money on your appearance, but there is plenty of room for a happy medium. Be fit, exercise and eat right. Look like you give a shit what you look like before you head out the door, it’s really not that much to ask, imo.
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You don’t need 100% effort 100% of the time
But 0% effort is also a problem. If you have apathy toward your appearance, it shows you have apathy toward your partner. They spend their days getting to look at you. It’s a meaningful gesture to at least take a few minutes to brush your hair and put on a flattering outfit, and maybe a bit of makeup if there’s time, if it’s not a “lazy Sunday”.
As long as it’s not an “I just stopped trying” look, the typical appearance degradation that comes with age is understandable and acceptable. But a lack of effort shows she either doesn’t care about your wants/feelings any more, or she takes your interest for granted.
Again, huge sliding scale. Any effort is significantly better than none. And effort has diminishing returns. There gets to be a point where a lot more effort barely yields any extra results. So tldr is that “some/modest” effort is the minimum that I’d personally like on most days (get dressed, brush your hair, put on makeup if we’re going out, and just try to be reasonably healthy). Bare minimum I’d expect from myself anyways
Just be aware that your feelings are exactly that.Your feelings. Not your husband’s. You’re not exactly the first gay man for whom it’s important to maintain their looks for as long as they can. If that makes you happy do it. It will probably keep you healthier as well. But clearly you have deeper issues to work on. That’s not an insult. It’s just an observation. You seem like a smart guy. I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to deal with it.
There are differing degrees and different ways of “let yourself go.”
My wife has grey hair, does not bother me in the slightest. So do I. If she were coloring it, I would think that was a waste of time and money and effort.
She has gained a little weight, does not bother me, so have I. I don’t think she should go on ozempic or get liposuction or anything, that feels to me like it would be too much bother for not enough result. If she’d gained like 60 pounds, that might bother me a lot, but I can’t say for sure and have no interest in running the experiment.
The last thing I want for my partner is for me to become one of those big fat belly old men. So I take care of myself. There are of course other issues at play, it isn’t always “just letting themselves go”, there can be several other factors. If you aren’t actively trying to work on things that are important to you and your partner however, then that is a major issue.
Letting yourself go is a symptom of a deeper problem. You must find out why you’ve let yourself go, and you must put in effort to stop it. This isn’t just for women, I’ve seen a lot of men get fat too. Then your wife gets all flustered at the fireman with ripped shoulders. Or your husband turns his head while driving at the lady jogging. Attention naturally starts to wander if there’s nothing to look at locally. I know that’s harsh but it’s true.
There are a couple of different things going on with what you’re saying.
First of all, any time a man justifies cheating by pointing out something that their significant other is doing or not doing, that is a self-serving rationalization of their own behavior. Nothing about one person’s actions justify the actions of another, short of self-defense in a physical harm situation. The willingness to cheat is a character issue, nothing else. And if you doubt that, you should look at all the times when smoking hot women were cheated on by their partners – Beyoncé,
Shakira, Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Eva Longoria, Sienna Miller, Uma Thurman, Elin Nordegren, and so many others.
The second piece is that there is a significant distinction between actually “letting oneself go” and simply aging. Yet a lot of people seem to think this is all one and the same. The truth is that the human body changes as time goes by, to varying degrees depending on genetics and metabolism, and not every woman on the planet has the ability to dedicate daily hours at the gym or even achieve the same type of results. A woman in her 40’s will have a much harder time at maintaining a certain type of body than a woman in her 20’s. And a woman in her 40’s should not be expected to look as though she is still in her 20’s. Conversely, a man’s body also sees changes as time passes – albeit at a different speed and in different fashion – and he’s not scrutinized in the same way. Think the whole idea of a “dad bod” that was so popular not that long ago.
So aging is different from letting oneself go. In my mind, letting oneself go would imply letting go of hygiene, letting go of grooming, letting go of activity, etc. These things would deeply concern me if I saw them in my wife. But I don’t look, at 46, the same I looked when I was 26. I don’t expect my 40 year-old wife to look 20 either.
It’s a major reason why I got divorced. She let herself go and refused to fix the problem. I lost all attraction to her and that was the beginning of the end.
It would bother me if she became overweight after we got married/ had kids, and she didn’t attempt to fix it through diet, exercise, or any other means
It’s all individual isn’t it? It depends on the “why”.
My partner’s body has changed over the years. She’s bigger than she used to be but it doesn’t bother me. We’ve had three kids together and been through a lot of stuff. I love her. I love all of her. I don’t see her belly and think she’s let herself go, I see it and think of the life and love we’ve shared, what she endured and risked to bring our kids into the world.
To me that’s different than someone just deciding they want to eat ice cream 24/7 or whatever.
> “Women get into a relationship and get fat and stop trying and then men cheat and they wonder why”
Thats just child abuse
I mean it hasn’t happened to me in my life, but I think if one person gets really fat as they age and it’s not because of a medical reason they’re likely unhappy with something in their life. A happy person typically doesn’t just ‘let themselves go’, does your weight fluctuate from time to time, ya, but if you’ve doubled in weight since the start of your relationship there’s something wrong in your life. If you aren’t willing to fix that issue then ya at some point you need to leave for your own happiness
We are socially made to feel bad and like the villains if we say it makes us feel bad, I do think that if we (men) also let ourselves go then we don’t have a leg to stand on, but if we make an effort to stay healthy, in shape, fashionable etc then I expect my partner to at least match or come close to my effort. I’m doing it for both of us, I want her to be proud of having an (reasonably) good looking partner, I don’t think it’s too much for me to expect the same. Though like always communication and mutual respect is needed in the relationship, and of course sensitivity should life circumstances like injury illness etc necessitate fitness take a backseat for a minute. We aren’t gonna look the same at 40 as 20, 60 as 40 etc…but I think if one side makes an effort, both should.
It definitely matters. If not for the loss of attractiveness then for what it says about how she feels about you. She doesn’t feel that you’re worth putting in the effort for. She doesn’t care.
I was with my ex for 20 years. We were a little flabby but not to the point of being gross and unattractive to each other.
Unfortunately I had a spinal cord injury that halted any physical activity for a while until it was determined that I needed my lumbar fused. Then I did six months of physical therapy and kept up the exercise. I’m not exactly blasting weights, but I’m active. I lost the weight I gained plus more.
Meanwhile, my ex spent 20 years glued to the couch, eating anything she wanted. She got big. Packed 50 pounds on a 5-foot body. Became diabetic and required insulin. That didn’t motivate her to be active or change her diet. She’d eat whatever she wanted and say that she’d balance it out by taking more insulin. She’d suck down Diet Dew and leave the empty bottles all over the house. She became a slob.
Also, she grew up kinda spoiled, so I did most of the cooking, cleaning, and yard work. I don’t think she’s ever scrubbed a toilet.
As you can imagine, I lost attraction to her. Her lousy health made her lose interest in just about everything but watching TV and eating. We grew apart. The sex became lousy to nonexistent. I moved into the guest room. Then I moved out and filed for divorce.
I’m happier single. She got remarried and is someone’s problem.
It wasn’t the fact that she got fatter and lazy and thus I didn’t find het fuckable. It was the fact that getting fatter and lazy wrecked her personality and I didn’t want to even talk to her.
Not at all, wanted to be with her just as much after she put in a lot of weight with her pregnancies as she was when I first met her when she was stick thin, if anything more.
However she cared a lot as gaining weight made her self-conscious and caused health issues so I help her as much as I can when she tries to lose weight.
Similarly she never cared at all when I was fat for a few years but I lost weight and run long distance now for myself as I really want to be one of those tough wiry old guys who is ready for anything as I get older, not hobbling about and constantly getting surgeries.
The reality is that physical looks is a reflection of our health, and if my spouse “let themselves go,” this means she’s given up on her health, and I’m not having that.
If she’s able walk, talk, and think then she better take care of her health.
Taking care of yourself doesnt make you high maintenance. High maintenance is insisting that other people take care of you.
I think it’s about keeping the same energy and being reasonable.
Take my wife and I. I’m not fit but I’m not fat. Somewhere in between. But I have an easy life. For her, the last 10 years have been med school, residency, baby 1, ER fellowship, baby 2.
Her last 10 years have taken up massive mental and physical energy. But she still looks good. I’d say we are equivalent.
I think the tricky place is when the expectation isn’t equal or understanding. If I’m a fat dude, I shouldn’t expect my wife to be a super model fitness. I can, but I shouldn’t.
If I’m fit and my wife gets pregnant and she experiences massive physical and hormonal change, I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect her to bounce back asap.
As long as my wife doesn’t become terribly unhealthy, i understand that both of us have a lot going on and it isn’t always easy to get in the gym. Neither of us are terribly unhealthy and are both working on our health.
I divorced my ex wife for many reasons but this one of the largest. Cost me half my wealth, hand half my kids time. It was worth it. She looks ten years older than me and is in bad health.
Bothers some, doesn’t others. Just like anything else.
It matters, but not only phisically.
If you change “let’s themselves go” to “stops putting in effort” would that change things for you?
People get into relationships to have mutually have someone meet their needs and you meet their needs. If one of the basis for a sexual relationship (which most couples are), sexual comparability is a major factor.
It’s a requirement to keep being attractive to your partner. Which, usually isn’t too hard, just keep doing what you had already been doing.
People who “you being attractive to me” is a deal breaker when it’s not met is their perogative. You are allowed your own deal breakers too. And they don’t need to make any fucking sense.
One would hope that you choose someone who sees more value than your physical attractiveness, but even then, it’s still a central component of a sexual relationship. If one person changes that, it changes the equation alot. Doesn’t mean one is bad or wrong, but priorities change.
My wife gained 60 pounds while pregnant. Im still attracted to her.
I’m not attracted to her constantly complaining about how much weight she’s gained and making 0 effort to lose it and getting mad at me when I tell her that X isn’t going to help her lose weight.
It happened to me. It is disrespectful to your partner to let yourself go. It got to the point where I was not at all physically attracted to me ex. It wasn’t probably the primary factor, but certainly was a factor. I wasn’t exactly I. Shape myself at the time, but I did something about it and lost over 50 pounds and started going to the gym. This went on for over three years. To add insult to injury, my ex didn’t work and had nothing but time on her hands. She just didn’t want to put in the effort to clean up her diet and exercise. She was entitled.
In any event, we are divorced now, I look great with and without my clothes on, and she looks aweful and had a heart attack.
I won’t say you should do it for your partner, but you should take care of yourself for you. You feel better physically, you protect yourself somewhat from the ravages of aging and poor diet and health, and your confidence inevitably goes up, which helps nearly everything I. Your life.
Why aren’t we also talking about men who let themselves go?
Alot of comments on this thread are things I felt guilty of thinking. I thought I was the only one with such opinions.
I would hate to let go of myself and have my wife just look on in a misguided “I love you for what you are”
Married couples are each other’s keepers
I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine.
In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put on an icepack while doing my stomach crunches.
I can do a thousand now.
After I remove the icepack, I use a deep-pore cleanser lotion.
In the shower, I use a water-activated gel cleanser.
Then a honey-almond bodyscrub.
And on the face, an exfoliating gel-scrub.
Then I apply an herb mint facial masque,
which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine.
I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol,
because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older.
Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
Yes. I am also a gay dude and have been with my man for 12 years. I did not start dating a guy with a 6-pack, but neither did I start dating someone overweight and lazy.
Keeping yourself reasonably in shape and, most importantly, putting in effort is something that I expect. I don’t care that much about fashionable clothes or well groomed hair though.
I think most men like pragmatic answers rather than aphorism-laden speak like “id love my wife if she gained 10000 lbs”— which is sweet but unrealistic and hard to generalize to your own life.
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A good partner will care about the things you care about. I don’t think it’s wrong to want a partner who maintains themselves but it has to reflect in your own actions.
For most relationships besides the most blunt, it is rude to comment on your partner’s physical flaws in some capacity, and I agree that while us men may deem that irrational— you should value protecting the feelings of your partner. Especially given the lifelong socialization of women that instills in them large parts of their value comes from appearances. In polite society we reject this notion but nobody is blind to the fact that attractive people are treated better— women the most so.
I believe physical attraction is a big thing for men, and they should absolutely not feel guilty about telling their partner that they are losing physical attraction. The alternative is usually the men building unconscious and then conscious resentment and then treating their partner badly. We are all animals and we can’t help it.
I just think its important to :
-Make sure your own lifestyle and habits reflect what you want out of your partner’s. Think a little deeper about what specific actions/solutions you would want your partner to do rather than thinking about them in some idealized body.
-Be humble and recognize your own shortcomings. Give grace, reject feeling disgust.
-Approach any conversation with a lot of empathy and sensitivity, not too much to cloud your statements but be fundamentally kind.
-Understand that aging is natural. Looks aren’t everything, and hormones sometimes change our bodies in ways that aren’t a sign of bad lifestyle choices (women in particular).
-There are probably a great many good things about your partner that you still love.
Tldr: In my opinion, its not wrong to care about looks— and unattractive changes over time can feel like you’re falling out of love. But taking a moment to really reflect deeply can reveal that you aren’t falling out of love and its just the monkey brain. You must be friends with your partner beyond your romantic obligations. If you come up blank on reasons to love your partner after they cease being attractive (it will happen one day), then you probably weren’t even friends with them to begin with.
Fellow gay married man here. My husband and I made an agreement to continue to workout and if either of us were slacking we would say something about it.
It’s fine to a point. But when you hit that point, you lose almost all sexual attraction
Having a wife gain 50 lbs is like having a husband that gets 5 inches shorter. That’s how I’d describe the importance of fitness in overall attractiveness (for me, at least).
Some weight gain is expected though, especially when kids enter the picture. It’s sad how many people (men and women) put on an extra 50lbs of fat by the time they’re 35.
I believe in a relationship you have an unspoken duty/obligation to stay mentally and physically fit for yourself and your partner. At the very least you try your best to be the same physical self you were when you met. Because that’s the point you fell in love with each other.
To show an effort is all encompassing in what you should do in a relationship on all parts of that relationship.
Doesn’t bother me, my wife was a lot smaller when I met her, I was a lot bigger, I’ve lost 55 kg, she’s put on 20… I have no desire to cheat and I’m not any less happy with her today than when I met her. If you marry anyone for primarily looks reasons then you’re going to be disappointed because having worked in aged care let me tell you we all get uggo as fuck one day!
Peoples metabolisms slow down in there 50s and beyond.
But not before that, despite what some people think. What actually happens is people hust devolop shit habits and then gain weight.
Calories is literally everything. It’s the greatest factor in determining weight gain and loss. And as people get comfortable, older, relaxed in their life and every day habits, I think lots of people just stop paying attention and just eat whatever, whenever. Especially in America. The average people is eating over 3000 calories daily. If you aren’t currently body building and on a bulk phase, eating that much will make you fat. My maintenance calories so I don’t gain rests at 2400 and im 190 lbs currently and 6’1″
Any more than that and I’ll start gaining fat weekly. I need to eat between 1800-1950 to lose weight.
Also, it’s scientifically proven most women’s sex drive wanes after being in long term relationships, so on the same level they may also care less about their body. That I can’t say.
All that being said, I certainly care. Luckily for me my wife and I are both into fitness, we used to train in mma together for many many years, and now that were older and with 3 kids we still work out and still just have good habits. I get told by people im lucky I have “good genetics” and it makes me scoff.
It’s not genetics. It’s your habits that carry you year by year. Plus, strength training and gaining lean mass will actually increase your resting metabolic rate. So lifting weights should be done by both genders if they want to be able to eat more junk food and not gain fat.
I honestly don’t care, unless it affects the relationship. If the bedroom love dies, you’re having health problems, and we can’t do physical activities anymore because of your health, then yes, it’s going to cause some problems.
I don’t hold my partner to any standards that I don’t hold myself to. That said; when we both got kind of fat, we agreed it was time to get our act together.
The same as women.
You have to be attracted to the person you are with.
Most do not need super model. They are attracted too the average man and women. But that average man and woman can’t gain 50-100-200 lbs and expect their spouse to be happy still.
10 out of 10 bothering
attraction is part of a romantic relationship for most people. lose that and you’re essentially just close friends. if you don’t even attempt to be attractive to your partner to me that sounds like you’ve checked out and just don’t care about the relationship
You should want to look after yourself and stay healthy for you, not your partner. That’s my attitude when I’m with someone. A little extra weight is no problem, but the attitude of “I don’t care” that often comes with letting oneself go is definitely a problem.
I dont think people always end up cheating but people often do let themselves go.
A lot.
Ive never been married but attraction is always important in a relationship. U dont need to kill yourself in the gym but try to stay at a healthy weight.
Quite honestly, my dad told me when I was younger that “guys don’t like girls that look like twigs and don’t have any meat on their bones.” It weirded me out a little & I was doing modeling for a local wedding/prom dress shop at the time, and became very self-conscious. I was in sports and very athletic my whole life but that, combined with the amount of times I’d walked into my parents office at night & he was blasting porn through his headphones while watching it on his computer and it was so loud that he didn’t hear me, just struck some weird chord and I ended up developing anorexia for years. Now that it’s been over a decade, I am 24 (almost 25) with 2 kids, and I’m 115 lbs, 5’8”. I wish I could say listening to men isn’t worth it because it isn’t, but unfortunately our dads seem to have some sort of weird connection to our outlook of ourselves and it genuinely should be studied.
Most guys don’t care what colour her hair turns, don’t care much about her clothing, but they care somewhat that she can “fit in an average sized rowboat”.
I think the biggest problem is a gap in effort. If a guy or girl is working out and watching their diet, especially if it’s a lot of effort and then their partner just gets fat it’s troubling.
It’s not even that there necessarily be an equivalent amount of effort most people putting work in would be fine with their spouse just not getting worse.
I don’t care she looks like, I’ll still tag my wife every night if she lets me.
I’ve been working my physique for the last couple years and it seems like she’s lost all interest in hers. So it’s a bit bothersome that we’re not on the same level anymore but whatever. She my wife and still hot.
It’s one of the most important things for me. I hate the look of obesity.
It’s also very selfish, especially if the other person takes care of themselves. You’re going to die earlier and leave the love of your life alone for the latter years? All because you cant stop being an obeast? Dealbreaker
Think about it, attraction is a huge portion of sex, and sexual satisfaction is important to a relationship. While looks fade or you get used to them, that leaves some wiggle room especially the more gradual it is. But becoming ugly quickly to your partner is a very bad idea. After a while your shine does fade in the eyes of your partner and that’s where attachment or emotional attraction comes into play, it’s strong but rarely ever strong enough to completely override the physical especially in men. If they’re not attracted, repulsed even, sexual satisfaction falls through the floor and many go looking to fulfill that some other way. Maybe through adult content, maybe through infidelity.
Theres a lot of truth to that statement, women are the gatekeeper to relationships but men gatekeep marriage. It shows too. On average over a ten year span, you’ll see a lot of older active men stay active. You’ll see a lot of younger women stay active until they hit marriage or kids, which to put it another way is like the train getting to the final station. I know its not a nice thing to hear. But life isn’t like that, I see it as a marathon, with no end or beginning. My favorite women I’ve known have had a healthy love of exercise and being fit their whole life. Im only in my mid 30s, and you need to choose a partner who is going be healthy. You don’t want a partner who is going to be needing a triple bypass, or hates exercise. Thats my life outlook anyways
Was with my Ex for 7 almost 8 years. Honestly, she wasn’t my “usual” type. However I fell in love with her and she became my type. When she became pregnant I gained a pregnant kink. She had our child and was no longer pregnant and it went away. She put on weight for obvious reasons as did I and I loved her and appreciated her and how she looked. Didn’t matter what she looked like ultimately, loved her for her heart.
Very obviously yes? But, it bothers everyone, this isn’t just a “men” thing – if your partner lets themselves go you gotta have a word about it. Otherwise, you’re simply being dishonest; either by claiming to care about them while watching them hurt themselves by falling into disrepair, or by letting resentment fester as you fail to address the elephant in the room.
In either case, it’s not fair to your partner to see them fall to bits and say/do nothing about it.
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There’s a level of understanding of we’re busy right now with a new house and planning a wedding and work. But everyone gets to a point where you have to say enough is enough. At that point you either make a change and work to improve yourself or essentially agree that you’ve given up. I’m not interested in being with someone who gives up and won’t work on improving themselves or our relationship. Staying in shape is just one example of working on yourself and your relationship. I’m not looking for perfection, but you have to be actively trying and wanting to work together to achieve your goals.
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I mean let’s face it, for us men, our everything just works better when you’re more fit than fat – no matter your orientation. I also think that when you show up for yourself, you can more easily show up for others. Better a good foundation. We are also visual, so in my perspective, it’s important.
These answers are going to vary wildly from person to person. The best you can do is to know what you want out of a relationship and be honest about it so they know what to expect out of it.
Personally? It isn’t the most important thing to me.
It isn’t about appearances. It’s about effort in the relationship.
The comments on this post are focused on the wrong thing.
If you get married and then stop dating your partner, of course they’re going to be unsatisfied and their eyes might wander.
And by dating, I mean doing the things you did up to your marriage. Dates, flowers, emotional support, etc.
This does also include making sure you’re still attractive for your partner. This is often looks, but could include personality, work ethic, or some other reason.
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It’s not so much the result, everyone gets older and fatter and less attractive. It’s the “I will make zero effort to look appealing for you” attitude that hurts.
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Anyone who lets themselves go is suffering some kind of mental issues and needs to seek help.
I think for me, being a 52 year old divorced guy with limited skin in the game, as one ages they have to offset the ravages of time by taking better care of themselves. If your partner lets themselves go, essentially they’re neglecting their health and becoming less attractive because of that. Who will have to take care of them when they get sick? The healthier partner. A negative attitude can also be part of letting yourself go, and that’s no fun in a relationship. A sense of taking the relationship for granted is there, too. Letting yourself go when the other person is active and health conscious is basically calling the bluff on who’s more vested. Like, “I let myself go, what are you gonna do about it? Divorce me?”
Men are entirely visual and physical partners opposed to emotional or relationship partners. Looks matter. Men have been told by society that you should overlook those ideas and feelings but they are there.
Never met a guy who didn’t want the hot in shape girl and tbh i would assume girls feel the same too
Dude keep on taking care of yourself, the return on that investment goes up the older you get.
I’ve been with my wife for a long time – we met when I was 24, and now I’m 46, so thats like almost half my life.
There was a short period where we broke up and I did some stuff and she did some stuff and then we got back together.
She’s always been smallish, but not in like super good shape, but lately shes been doing pilates, Barre, yoga and some workouts upstairs. I’m like pretty damn impressed. She’s looking unusually tight these days, plus her health is pretty good, so thats pretty exciting. Her health hasn’t always been good, like when she was in the hospital for two months, and I was caring for our 2 and 3 year old daughters, that was pretty hard.
I don’t think too much about what I’m not getting. I think more about whether I’m doing the best I can, and if she’s getting what she needs. She likes to take care of us, so we’re all pretty happy. I know I’m not perfect, but I get a lot of enjoyment out of seeing her happy and satisfied, also the kids. It makes me happy to see people happy around me. I don’t think any of us would be happy if one of us cheated.
I think it’s important to realize that people aren’t perfect, so if you think life is always going to be great, you’ll end up upset and feeling sad. But if, when youre sad about your ‘lot’ I think thats the best time to dig in and try to make things better, not screw off and make things worse. I think when people cheat, thats the best time to stop yourself, check whats making you unhappy, and dig in. Double down. Instead of coming home an adulter, come home with flowers. Admit you’re upset, and tell your partner how much they mean to you, and tell them you want to be better. Everytime you do that and they respond positively, you level up your relationship. Thats the bumpy road that gets better. The smooth road that leads to the same place just means instead of waiting till shit hits the fan to respond, you do it every day. Thank them. Tell them you love them. Tell them how much you appreciate them going to costco. Make dinner, make it good, and buy a bottle of wine. And don’t be afraid to finish second.
People that tell you it doesn’t matter are either already hideous or alone. After 30 years, does my wife look the same? No. In some ways better. The parts she can control are as good as possible. Don’t kid yourself, it goes both ways. Women are probably way more forgiving. Studies about staying with a terminal spouse will tell you how self centered men are. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about putting effort into being your best self.
As long as my partner doesn’t stop caring about her health completely, I will never give a fuck how she looks. She’s still the most gorgeous woman on the planet, and I’d probably be offended if she assumed I was vain and lying to her when I said that.
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It’s more about attitude than the actual product. If you care a little that is what matters.
A lot. I don’t want perfection, I want some degree of effort.
I’m single now, but I used to absolutely love going mountain biking, snowboarding, backpacking, hiking, and all kinds of things with my last partner. I would really miss that kind of sharing if my partner decided being fit wasn’t important any more.
I’m extremely happy that my 36yr old wife dies not to look like the 25yr I started dating. We look like children in photos from that time and I love how my wife is aging. Both of our weights have fluctuated over the course of our relationship. Neither one of us cares when the other gains weight. We do tend to beat ourselves up when we gain weight, and then we comfort the other person and say it’s okay, we still love them and think their attractive. We support each other efforts to lose weight and stay healthy, but we don’t pressure each other. We both still put some effort in, but definitely not like when we were first dating, and not every day. My wife caught my eye because she was attractive, but it’s not why I love her and married her. It’s just a perk, regardless of how much weight she gains or how wrinkled her face becomes.
Never bothered me til she went and ran her mouth about my gut
People in glass houses ought not throw stones
Women marry men expecting men to change. Men marry women expecting them to never change.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her.