My partner (39M) and I (37F), together for four years, had a stupid fight tonight that exemplifies some issues we’ve been having and I’m unsure how to address it.
He’s been having a stressful time on a course, with an exam this morning, and I’ve been having a stressful time at a new job, for which now is a particularly intense time, and the last few days particularly so.
We decided to go to an event tonight. A few hours ahead of it, he messaged asking where I was, because he could meet me on my way home. I replied saying in a meeting with former/current colleagues (it was the middle of the afternoon), and would come home soon, and then we could go to the event. He said he thought i would miss it because we should be there 30 mins ahead, and he would go alone. I was a bit confused by this as there was plenty of time, and said so. I went home as planned; he had left already, I went alone to the event (getting there in good time, more that 30 mins ahead).
He wasnt there yet but called when he was. I explained where I was, and that he had the tickets so I couldn’t get through security/ticket check. He went through security and couldn’t see me- because I was on the other side – and he called again asking why I was being so difficult and passive-aggressive in not explaining well enough where I was. I explained again, he still couldn’t see me and became more annoyed, I became super upset and said I’d just go home. I was already on edge after the first set of messages and this tipped it over. He kept calling and eventually we managed to meet, I got in, we made peace, the event was fun. We met a couple of friends after and had a beer and all seemed well. I chalked everything earlier up to us both being tired and stressed and emotional.
On our way home, he asked me why I was so hateful and unsupportive. A bit blindsided, I explained how I’d felt seeing his texts (randomly criticized for no reason) and he accused me of only thinking of myself and being annoyed by criticism. Everything escalated and eventually he told me that he was ‘setting you free, go find someone who treats you how you feel you should be treated’. I walked faster, he accused me of rushing off, I continued home and went to bed. He followed and went to bed in the spare room.
This sort of thing keeps happening. Fr my perspective, he gets mad at me for no reason (for me being late even though I was not going to be late; him not being able to see me); I get upset, he gets mad at me for being upset, and when I try to explain, he says I only think about myself. But I have literally no idea what he is thinking because to me he seems to be annoyed at the most random unjustified things. And then says he’s not annoyed. But gets more annoyed. I have no idea how to stop this cycle – does anyone have any advice as to how to do so?
TL;DR: boyfriend (39) and I (37) cannot resolve disagreements or misunderstandings in a constructive way, i do not understand his perspective and he doesn’t seem to be able to share it, he often assumes my bad faith, and it escalates. Please advise!!
Comments
Maybe relationship counselling would help break the deadlock & give you both better tools to communicate with. If nothing changes you are better off not being together if you are both hurting so much.
Is he actually interested in doing self reflection and taking ownership/acknowledging what assumptions he made that escalated the situation, and what he could have done better? Because of he’s not, then the cycle will continue.