Trigger warning for possible sexual assault. Also apologies in advance for the wordy post.
Well, I’ve been having a terrible week. First there was a lot of shit going on in the US politically that really concerns me and I’ve been extremely panicky and stressed about that, then my narcissistic mother who I went no-contact with over a year ago texted me and I forgot I hadn’t blocked her number on my new phone yet. Then yesterday I had a Dr appt, and well, lets just say it went absolutely terrible. I just needed to vent about it a bit and get what happened off my chest.
I’m 20 ftm and I had a bilateral salpingectomy (fallopian tube removal) a few months ago, and ever since I’ve been dealing with some bladder issues, like pain when urinating (especially in the morning) and frequency. I tried going to a urologist in my town for it, but that went horribly and all of my concerns were dismissed. The doctor didn’t ask if I had any questions after the appointment and literally ran as fast as he could out of the room, by the time me and my partner left the room he was gone, in less than ten seconds probably. So I went to the gynecologist again, and she referred me to this urogynecologist who was supposed to be this big “top dog” in the field, he was supposedly an expert, the true cream of the crop, and had patented several surgical techniques. So I went to him, and I waited like a month for the appointment. It was about a 40 minute drive from where I live, and my girlfriend ended up driving me. When we got there, I was really anxious, but the medical assistant who brought us to the room seemed really nice, so I was hoping that things would go well, although at this point I feel like medical assistants who are really nice are just trying to soften the blow for the patients because they know the doctor is horrible and treats his patients like shit. Its happened to me at least twice now.
So I’m sitting in this room, bottom naked with a sheet wrapped around me, extremely anxious because there was a bunch of spooky medical equipment around the room, like IV’s and tubes and catheters, and my girlfriend was just trying to distract me with memes and stuff, which did help. I was mostly scared of the catheters cuz I was already in a lot of pain that day, and I felt like getting a catheter put in or anything put up my urethra would cause a lot of pain. (spoilers: I ended up being in a lot of pain.)
Eventually after like 30 minutes of waiting in this room, my anxiety just building, the doctor comes in and he’s speaking like really fast, too fast for me to even really understand him. Then he puts my legs up in stirrups and starts poking my vagina with a q-tip, asking “does that hurt, does this hurt”. (obviously it did, he was fucking stabbing my vagina with a q-tip) That part wasn’t the worst part though. He then just kinda shoved his fingers in my vagina and started wiggling them around, not really caring how rough he was being and just asking me “does this hurt, does this hurt here, does it hurt when I do this” I felt like I couldn’t answer properly because ALL of it hurt and I was starting to panic cuz he was asking me things so fast and everything he was doing was hurting and I just couldn’t think. I was kinda pissed cuz obviously what he was doing hurt, I just got fingers jammed in my vagina without any stimulation or proper warning or anything. That part was really awful too, but honestly it still wasn’t the worst part.
The absolute worst part, and forgive me if this is hard to read, I’m having a hard time writing it but I just need to get this off my chest, was after he took his fingers out of my vagina, he was like, “ok so now we’re going to look inside your bladder” and mind you, this all happened in under like 20 seconds. I asked him if he was going to put something inside my bladder, he said yes and before I knew it, before I even had a chance to protest or ask if it was really necessary, or even get a few minutes to think about it and gather my bearings, he had shoved something painfully up my urethra and started moving it around inside my bladder. He even said it “wouldn’t hurt”, which I’m really pissed about. How can he know that wouldn’t hurt if he doesn’t have the same anatomy as I do? Anyways, the next few minutes were hellishly painful and I got really dizzy and nauseous and started seeing colorful stars in my vision. He looked around in my bladder and apparently there was nothing outwardly wrong in there, I had a normal looking bladder, so he pulled out the scope (which also really hurt) and then IMMEDIETLY started asking me more questions. I told him I needed a minute, I really did not feel good, and my girlfriend looked extremely nervous from across the room. She had witnessed the whole thing, and I know she feels really awful that she didn’t speak up or anything. I don’t blame her though, it all happened so fast we didn’t even have time to think.
So the doctor left the room and I put on my pants, at this point I was dissociating heavily and just wanted to get the rest of the appointment over with. When I was dressed I went to the consultation room with the doctor and he diagnosed me with painful bladder syndrome, which I basically already knew I had. He gave me some bucket things to measure my pee in and told me to make a void log, basically logging how much I pee in a day and how painful it is each time. As soon as I left and got back in the car I hit my pen like 5 times cuz I just didn’t want to think about how awful and traumatic the whole situation was. My girlfriend was really stressed on the drive home too, and we both ended up getting really high last night to try and distract from the whole thing. It wasn’t until today we both processed it and we both ended up kinda mentally breaking down. The whole situation was awful, I felt so violated and raped. I felt like I couldn’t say no to what they were doing, and it just stressed me out so much, I’ve been in an awful mood all day and I’m still in mental and physical pain from the whole ordeal. I just wish I could’ve said no.
Now I really don’t want to work with that doctor anymore. I don’t even want to give him my money, but I’m worried I’m not going to be taken seriously. Did he actually assault me, or should I have spoken up more? Did I do something wrong? Why do I feel so violated? When I masturbated today I felt so gross afterwards because of the whole thing. Ugh. I just didn’t want this to affect me as much as it is. I
If you’ve read this far, thanks for reading, and TLDR I feel like I got sexually assaulted by a doctor because he put a scope up my urethra without much warning and also painfully fingered me for a few minutes. But I could just be dramatic, idk. BLEGH
Comments
Hey
This was not ok. I am so sorry you went through this. Once you gather yourself, here are some words to use in your complaints in reviews.
The biggest problem to emphasize is the lack of informed consent. You cannot adequately consent to an exam or procedure if it has not been explained to you, and you have not had the chance to ask questions.
This person performed a physical exam of your genitals without describing what he would be doing or warning you.
They also performed a cystoscopy, which is a medical procedure, without INFORMED CONSENT which usually requires your signature.
If you didn’t sign anything stating that you consented to cystoscopy, you have a slam dunk lawsuit on your hands for lack of informed consent. Their risk management/patient advocacy team should be falling on their faces making this right.
Urogynecologists are few and far between, and thus like many hyperspecialized, can get away with a lot of bad behavior.
U/queenpunkster already gave good advice as far as reporting him. I just wanted to say, you have every right to feel the way you do, I would feel extremely traumatized if that happened to me as well. I would feel like I was violently assaulted. And I hope that you are able to heal from this physically and emotionally. I’m sorry he violated you so horribly. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and it shouldn’t have happened.
This may be medical assault the doctor did a bladder check and a vaginal exam without your consent. If you wish to report you need to find your state in the FSMB website https://www.fsmb.org/ if you’re in the US. This is how I did it when it happened to me I also contacted a lawyer because of my situation. Only do what you are comfortable with and I hope you are able to heal from this and get the help you need for your body to heal too.
I validate your feelings.
Please document all this and email the office manager. He should have described everything he was going to do before doing it, as you have a right to refuse exams. Im sorry you went thru this.
I am a midwife, I perform vaginal exams all the time, I always start with telling people that they’re the boss and they can tell me to stop, pause or remove my fingers at any time. I have also been assaulted by a doctor in a similar context – I didn’t know what he was going to do until he pulled down my underwear.
Additionally, as someone with vulvodynia and vaginismus – everything a doctor does down there hurts, because it’s reactive. Kind of like white coat syndrome but with a nerve pain result. But also, if a bunch of painful things happen in that context, it kind of becomes a self fulfilling cycle – my body was right, doctors touching down there causes pain, so it reacts the same way next time, because it wants to protect me. I’m not saying this will happen to you, but given you already have bladder dysfunction and it was painful everywhere he touched with the q tip, it could be a good idea to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist. They can help a lot with the issues described, and are lovely.