Hi everyone I (22f) am burnt out. I’m wondering how much I should be asking of my husband (25m) I’m a stay at home mom, by his request. Prior I was a working mom. Working 35-39 hours a week. My husband works the night shift so I’m not sure how much I should ask of him since he works really hard and works 10-12 hour nights. His job isn’t hard labor ‘but more taxing mentally. I’m not sure what I should be expecting of him. Or if I shouldn’t expect any help at all? I’m burnt out trying to juggle three kids by myself most days. Postpartum has been difficult for me, and yes I’ve discussed all this with him and he’s been less than supportive. He says he does everything for me and I’m just unappreciative 🙁 I miss working. I have no access to money and I can’t drive. I can’t go anywhere or do anything without his say. I’m stuck at home 90% of the week. I want to get my GED but he says I have to look at the bigger picture and just wait until our youngest goes to school. He’s 4 months. I’m just so tired and I don’t know if I’m being unfair to ask him to do his laundry or pickup after himself. Or clean the porch. Take the trash out etc. I don’t ask much but it seems anything I ask is too much. We’re a blended family. When I had my daughter I was doing everything by myself. Work, school, doing all the house work, and taking care of her 24/7. Now the same thing is happening all over again but instead it’s the whole “ see how much I do for you” card. He buys me nice things and the children so instantly I feel guilty to ask him for any help? Any advice?
How much should I ask of my Husband to help with the kids?
r/Advice
Comments
You’re not asking too much, you’re surviving a quiet kind of prison with a smile painted on. A man who buys gifts but ignores your pain isn’t a provider he’s a jailer in disguise, ask for more because you deserve more.
ask for partnership, not favors. you’re raising them together, so it should feel like shared effort, not a scoreboard. talk openly about what feels fair and what you need, not just logistically, but emotionally too. you’re a team, and teams work best when the load is balanced.
It sounds like you’re in a controlling, manipulative relationship, especially if you have no way of going anywhere and don’t have access to money.
Sounds like you need a job to provide you with some money and self-esteem. If you don’t drive, you could use Uber, or perhaps you could work from home. Then, a more equitable arrangement could be made regarding daily chores and child-rearing. Don’t be bullied be his uppity talks and tactics. You’re young and should be vibrant, not downtrodden by your subservient existence. There are online therapists if you need some professional counseling to help you achieve emancipation. Good luck, your gut instincts are correct.
Don’t stay at home because he requested it. You need to make sure you keep your skills up! We women need to be self-reliant even if we choose to stay at home. You never know what the future may bring. Even as a stay at home mom, he should still help some around the house and with the kids. Don’t let him keep you from pursuing your dreams either. Don’t wait for tomorrow. If he can’t support you, you need to get someone who can.
I went from working to SAHM and then WFHM when our kids were young. Never once during any of those phases of our life together did my partner ever let me work alone. He didn’t sit until I was sitting too. If I was mid activity with the kids or cleaning when he got home, he’d start dinner. If I was cooking, he’d entertain the kids, take out the compost, pick up toys…
So no, this is not equitable. He’s entitled to sleep, but his awake time should be just as busy with domestic tasks as yours because he’s an adult, a partner and a father. You don’t need protection and shielding. You need room to breathe, and you need him to be a man who gives 100%, not just 40-50 hours a week.
Take his family’s help and support, and get your license, GED, and a job. And then start speaking like an adult with autonomy, saying things like, “I hear what you’re saying, but this is something I need now for my health and well-being.. it can’t wait five years.”
And when you find work, remind him that you’re only responsible for half the childcare because they’re his kids too. And if he say he won’t pay for half while you coparent under the same roof, he can pay for half while also paying child support.
You need to do things for you. If you want to study go study otherwise it’ll just build resentment and down the track more often then not partners (both male and female) don’t appreciate the sacrifice the partner who stayed at home made