I’ve been married to my husband for 27 years, since I was 18 yrs old. We have 3 adult children (25, 23, 21) who all still live at home while going to school. About 10 years ago my husband had an affair and we stayed together. He swears they never slept together, but o don’t know if I believe that. At the very least, they had an emotional affair, he moved out for a while, there was a ton of lying on his end and he said and did some awful things to me. All 3 of our kids lost all respect for him and at least 2 of them completely dislike him and thonk he treats me terribly. I wa never “allowed” to talk about it after he moved back home and I’m not totally over it. I don’t trust him because she hasn’t given me any reason to. He’s been on multiple dating sites since we’ve been married and has had different online “relationships” with other women. We’re going through a rough patch and I get upset every time he’s on Snapchat because, again, I don’t trust him after what’s happened in the past. When I get upset, he gets mad. He gives me the silent treatment for days and days hurtful things. Currently, he ain’t working due to health issues, I’m working full time and still do most everything at home. He does laundry and makes sure the roomba doesn’t get stuck when it’s running. I still do all dishes, cooking, bathroom cleaning, and general tidying. He gets upset and tells me that I’m not appreciative enough and that I don’t make him feel like he’s my priority. This is the same reasoning he had when he moved out years ago. I point blank asked him if he wanted me to thank him for doing daily chores while I’m at work and he’s playing video games all day. Of course, he didn’t like that. Typing this all out, I know that this isn’t a healthy relationship. I don’t know how to leave with the cost of living being what it is and with the debt we’ve racked up while he’s been off work. I guess I’m just looking for some opinions and maybe some advice from someone who’s left when it felt hard? We’ve been together since I was 17, so it seems really scary to be on my own. But I walk on eggshells when he’s in a mood and my life consists of work and sitting at home because he won’t do anything with me. I’m anxious more than I’m not and I feel like he’s taken so much from me and stifled me so much over the years. How do I leave with credit card debt, a car payment I can’t afford, and someone who will haunt me forever if I leave? Is it worth it, or is it better to do the easier thing and just stay and feel like I’m withering away day by day? I have no family around and really no friends because he’s moved us around so much for his career, and has now decided that he doesn’t want to socialize? Which, by the way, is also my fault because I told him I’ve felt lonely in the marriage. I’m seriously considering therapy because I don’t know what else I can do.
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You will be better. So much better. Leave.
That’s really a heart wrenching story.. with no family, friends nearby.. therapy seems to be the only option.. and support of your kids.. you have 3 of them who are of a matured age..
You tell him to leave. And you get a lawyer. You’re entitled to alimony and any assets he has. Or that you have jointly. I’m sure it’s absolutely terrifying. Given that you’ve been with him for such a significant portion of your life. However, you can figure this out. You need to get a support network, maybe there’s a women’s group that can help you. Look around for social support services you can access.
It sounds like it would actually be easier to leave him than to stay. He doesn’t contribute anything to your life, except stress. The situation is made much easier by having adult children. They clearly will be happier off if you get divorced. You say he’ll haunt you if you leave, but he’s terrorizing you right now.
You’re so used to turmoil in your life that you won’t even give yourself the grace or opportunity to seek peace. I hope that changes for you soon ♥️
I think the debt and car payment you have can be easily mitigated if you really set your mind to it.
You are married to a narcissist. Get rid of him.
Be brave and get a lawyer. They will be able to advise you on the next steps. Imagine when it’s all done and you’ve your independence and freedom back. Imagine coming home from work and not having to deal with his bullying and emotional baggage. It’s worth it. Your kids are grown up and don’t have to live at home. They will be fine.
I can’t imagine putting up with an almost 50 year old man on Snapchat sitting at home playing video games.
Talk to your adult kids and have a family meeting, just with them. Without your husband’s expenditures and kicking him out/divorcing, I bet you can make it work financially. Technically you are already. Divide up chores between the kids and ask them to each figure out a way to pay a small rent to cover their food/water/electric ($200+) discuss with them and give them time to plan.
How long you will tolerate this? Eventually you will have to move.
Nobody who stays with a cheater deserves happiness.
I’d like for him to chime in. Then we get the full scope.