I have bad anxiety when talking in front of people and he understands but the closer the wedding is the more I feel like an asshole. It’s tomorrow and I can’t stop feeling like a piece of shit for not giving a speech. There is a co-best man and he’s giving a speech… I want to give the speech but I just can’t make myself do it
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I have bad anxiety when talking in front of people and he understands but the closer the wedding is the more I feel like an asshole. It’s tomorrow and I can’t stop feeling like a piece of shit for not giving a speech. There is a co-best man and he’s giving a speech… I want to give the speech but I just can’t make myself do it
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I’m the asshole because I’m his twin brother. I’ve been the closest to him and I feel like I’m letting him down for not giving the speech
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. It sounds like your brother understands your anxiety and does not expect you to give a speech.
Could you maybe handwrite what you want to say and give it to your brother and his partner at the wedding instead?
NAH
You’re not strictly required to give a speech and you said your brother understands. However, it would be good for you to work on your anxiety at some point!
You could consider other options too — could you write something meaningful and just give it to your brother for him to read? Could you write a speech and have someone else read it? Could you write a speech and prerecord it to be played?
twin brother will totally understand you. but i think you can approach the event organizer and pre record a video/audio if you really want to do it but anxiety of public speaking took the toll. attach a childhood of pics of you together in a slideshow. itll feel impactful and heartfelt.
NTA coming from someone with anxiety. If you do feel that bad you could always just get up and say something quick like “anyone who knows me knows this is my biggest fear so I will keep this short and just say that I love you both and cheers to a lifetime of happiness and I am so blessed to have you as a brother and my new sister”
YTA.
One of the socially expected duties of being a best man is a speech. Figure it out.
Don’t bother with either self depreciation or jokes on them.
Say you love him and why.
Welcome the bride to the family.
Congratulate the couple.
Keep it short for everyone’s sake.
Have fun at the wedding.
NTA. Anxiety is real and hard. Maybe write him a personal letter instead? It’ll mean just as much, if not more.
Definitely NTA. Your brother understands how you are, so don’t beat yourself up.
Asshole is too harsh a word here. If your brother is important to you, then you should make an effort at least. Maybe write a letter or you could record yourself and play it at the reception. It’s the thought that counts. All the best.
NTA public speaking isn’t for everyone, and you’d feel worse if you forced yourself to try and then fucked it up as there’s no redo
NTA, absolutely.
Could you think of something special for your brother that you can do? A letter, a video you recorded earlier, organizing a basket of snacks to be delivered to the honeymoon suite? The important thing is showing him you care, not the speech itself.
Can you give a short and sweet 2 sentence toast?
nta obviously. you can make a video of your speech in advance and play it during your speech time at wedding. this way you wont be anxious and you brother gets to hear your speech
NTA. But maybe write a speech down and hand the paper to your brother privately, or privately record yourself saying it and send the recording to your brother privately. Having you say something for him on his special day will mean the world to him, but you don’t have to do it in public or for anyone else to hear, and this way he gets to keep it as a memento as well. My best friend’s dad did this for her wedding as he was scared of public speaking. We all knew in advance he wouldn’t be speaking at the wedding and was doing this instead, it was no big deal, no one thought he was an arsehole for it at all, please don’t worry!
I think nah. What helped me with anxiety was understanding that the audience is actually open to hearing what I have to say and isn’t hostile to me. They’re not trying to find a fault with what I’m saying but they’re interested to hear it.
NAH as someone with anxiety, you’re overthinking this. If your brother wasn’t okay with you not giving a speech it’s his job to communicate that. He told you he understands and it’s okay, so it’s okay. I’m sure you contributed and will contribute other ways, much like I did when my brother got married and told me that he was okay with me not giving a speech.
Instead focus on doing what you can to help the wedding run smoothly, without stressing mind you. Having a reliable and willing helper is always a boon with a wedding.
And if you have any feelings you’d like to share, take a moment to pull your brother aside (and his partner too if you want) and give your own private speech to him. Or simply tell him you love him and are really happy for him.
Not all gestures of love need to be big and bold. Many of them are actually quite small and simple. Yet they are still just as meaningful.
Thank you all for the words of advice. I definitely feel better reading the responses. I think I will write a note or pull him to the side tomorrow
NTA
NTA. It’s cool. And it’s cool of your bro to have you as co best man and take the pressure off. He gets it.
You could either write your sentiments in a nice card or record yourself reading them and play it back at the reception.
Do NOT take anything these people say seriously. You’re NOT an asshole. Brother, I have anxiety too.
I’ll try to keep this short, TRUST ME that you’ll wanna do that speech. Once you get going, things will be fine brother! It’s just starting and I know that. Stare at your paper and don’t focus on anything else, you’ll get through it! And your brother will appreciate it for his biggest day of his life. Any questions man, feel free to DM, I’ve been through this!
Also, even if you add only a 2 maybe 3 sentence toast to the bride and groom after the other speech, everyone will love it!
Info: have you considered to prepare a little video? include some pictures growing up, ask the brides family if they could send you something, and everyone would be really happy and appreciate the effort without forcing you to speak publicly.
Be a goof. Sneak out and do the speak over a loud speaker. Ask everyone to close their eyes. Turn out the lights and do a campfire toast.
Speeches are overrated. I’ve been to hundreds of weddings in my profession and only 5% were decent. The only one that was memorable was my brother’s speech at my wedding and it was less than 3 minutes.
No body cares except the couple getting married. And if they understand you’re not comfortable then that’s even more ok.
Have you even written the speech?
NTA
Do you have time to pre record something and play it? My friends father has passed away before she got married and she wanted to include him so she made a PowerPoint with pictures of him enjoying other family events and read a poem over it, it was all pre recorded so that ah wouldn’t break down. It might be something you can arrange in a short amount of time if you really put everything into it. You could stay sitting and close your eyes to introduce it?
Of course you brother already knows you love him and you are proud of him and he wants you to enjoy your day so he’s not pressuring you to do this. Could you write something personal for him and read it just to him? Could you write a speech and ask the co-best man to read it on your behalf? It’s ok not to participate in something if it’s going to cause you such anxiety.
NTA, it is a lot of stress. Still, if you have anything to say from the heart it’d be amazing to even just get up first and say a few words or just say something cheeky about how you’re going to let the other guy do the heavy lifting but you love them and congratulations. I also just heard something that makes me less nervous as I prepare to give my own wedding speech; the speech is a gift to the couple, not a performance. I also get anxiety and get in my head and wonder if I need to have it memorized and want to be perfect so that also helps for me to think about. Either way, have a great time and don’t sweat it!
NTA
At my own wedding I asked for no speeches because I know most people find it difficult and doing it right is hard. So I wouldn’t want anybody in that spot because of me or my wife. There are plenty of other ways to show your love and appreciation of your brother and his partner, you don’t need a speech for that.