Not being comfortable with being by yourself and not having something to focus on. It can be just about anything from increasing your strength, completing a training class for work, saving up to get something special, just any kind of goal. The key is to have another goal after you’ve accomplished the one goal. Just sitting around spinning your wheels won’t help, aspire to something, even if it’s something small.
I’d say individualism and the destruction of close-knit communities.
It brought some social progress, but one of the consequences is that everyone ends up alone while being surrounded by thousands of people who also feel lonely.
I think it’s a complex problem that doesn’t have a one size fits all answer. For some men it may be one thing while for other men it will be another thing. It’s probably fair to say there are a few common contributing factors that we nearly all deal with. Internet communication instead of in person for example or a generation of younger women especially that seem to look more for reasons not to be with someone than reasons to be with someone. Age differences, different income levels or job status / power dynamics or level of education all seem to be used by the younger generations as ways to segregate each other from each other rather than something to just be conscious of. There’s a lot and I mean a lot of contributing factors. Way to many to simply label one or two things as the cause. Though identifying contributing factors will probably help some guys.
Check out the book “the rational male.” It explains how society encourages men to behave in unattractive ways and punishes them for trying to be more assertive in general.
Be warned that it’s pretty misogynistic and uses old-school pick-up artist lingo, but at least it attempts to explain the phenomenon. I’ve never really seen it addressed elsewhere.
Society has been completely atomized. We’re isolated and divided. The result is people not socializing nearly as much as they used to. I would, ironically, blame the explosion of social media for the snowball effect of it.
Past experiences have impacts and also turning older .. there’s the unspoken mental health issues that effects men massive! Even when you’re around people , especially if you don’t feel seen and understood, it’s that quiet ache when conversations stays surface level, and no one really checks in on how you are, deep down.
Self inflicted. They’ll never approach anyone new or do any interesting hobbies and then wonder why nobody is close to them. I know way too many dudes who only work, but some shit job they don’t want to talk about, gym, and sleep. They don’t go on trips or activities and talking to them is like talking to an NPC
I think it’s a general problem that effects everyone of all genders but ESPECIALLY men because we are taught to socialize completely differently, so we don’t build up the same support networks and really tight emotional bonds – or at least emotional in the same way. I have several friends I would take a bullet for, but I talk to most of them maybe every few months, and I know shit all about their lives because when we’re hanging out we’re just vibing. Like, I’m remembering one who has a wife and a kid, and if you stuck a gun to my head I couldn’t tell you what their names were, because he didn’t say and I didn’t ask.
Combine that with getting rid of most of the traditional sources of community (decline of religion, not interacting with neighbors as much, etc.), the areas you could go and socialize without spending a bunch of money dropping DRAMATICALLY, long work hours over multiple jobs with differing schedules and in some ways having simply too much to do so you aren’t forced out into the world to interact with people just to not stare at a fucking wall or the three channels playing shit you don’t care about on the TV anymore, and it’s a perfect recipe for social isolation. And that’s before we get into gender war shit, which is a whole different can of worms.
Social media is one big culprit – both sides are spending so much time on their phones or laptops they forget to go out. In the past if you wanted to chat, you had to physically meet. Now, you can instantly message someone. It’s convenient, but not very good for forming deep connections. The second issue would be the cost of living crisis. Because basics are so expensive, you’re constantly working and have very little leftover money to go out and spend time with friends or go on dates. The way society is built, it’s very difficult to form lasting connections. But don’t stop trying!
Why men are to blame –
Reports of crime against women (this has been common but has reduced compared to earlier I believe)
Oversexualization or seeing womes as only for sex (atleast that’s how many women feel) and it is true to some extent.
Lack of emotional awareness (yes, as a dude I accept this. A large portion of men are emotionally unaware of how their actions might affect their loved ones.)
Why women (and law) are to blame –
Increased reports of false cases (this has been increasing recently and most men don’t want to risk their life just asking a woman out)
Increased hatred towards men for being men (toxic feminism)
Increased reports of extortion (I’m talking about child support and maintenence. Here in India, the laws are evem worse. You could be paying for maintenance without even having a child)
Increased reports of crimes against men. (women having affairs and then having the husband killed)
No consequences for cheating (women in marriage can cheat and get away with it while still getting the maintenance momey)
From all of this I think the biggest factor is the law being so rigged against men where we can face charges and even lose our career, jobs and any future we have all over a false case all the while the one making the allegations just walks away without any consequences.
Men aren’t socialized to have platonic friendships with real emotional bonds, are discouraged from reaching out for any type of help, and are taught that it’s their woman’s responsibility to manage feelings in the home. The men in my family rallied hard against this and I’ve realized how different it has been for me socially.
Fellas, please go places to make platonic friendships, learn to love being with yourself doing what you like, and learn how to accept that everyone is not for everyone and it’s okay to not be wanted by one or more people. Your people are coming, you just have to put yourself out there and wait. It can suck and you might stumble across a few bad people, but it is worth it when you don’t HAVE to be dating somebody to get love and attention. Plus those outside voices of affirmation and sources of experience will show you positive aspects about yourself that will boost you up for the right partner.
In the last 2-3 decades women were conditioned to be social and amicable and nice, while men were conditioned to be leaders, strong and silent (in general, individuals differ). Turns out if you don’t teach boys true friendship and make every social interaction a competition, the men they become are bad at friendship. Not only at getting friends, but also at being friends. There is this pervasive idea that „i insult my best friends constantly and deeply, thats the mark of true friendship“ or some bullshit like that. Men feel like „being nice and friendly“ is a veneer they have to put on their strong brutally honest selves to appease the weak people surrounding them or some shit like that. You know who is to blame for men being lonely? Men. Us. You go golfing every week but don’t know that his kid is struggling with mental health. You go hunting together but don’t know that he is struggling with how bad he can read and write. You encourage your boys to do stupid, reckless shit that alienates them from their more thoughtful peers. And then we are sad that no one wants to hang out? We can’t calmly articulate how we feel and suffer from the pressures put on us instead we get loud and angry and we are surprised that we are not sought out? There so many lonely men out there who think they somehow deserve companionship just for existing, but god damn so many of those lonely man are downright assholes.
(Disclaimer: of course there are asshole women as well, but i believe the cause of male loneliness to be a problem created by men first. Women having higher standards and the ability to chose a partner not to secure their survival but because they like them is a huge boon to society)
It’s a whole bunch of things but they amount to men have their lives sucked up by career & many never learn the social skills necessary to do relationships. Like my old roommate and my own son I pretty much have to talk to their wives to hang out because they don’t know their schedule.
There used to be a lot more possibilities for male only spaces, but these are mostly gone. Mixed activities are no replacement and many rather stay on their own instead.
Looking at myself, I notice my much higher stress level being in a genderly mixed group/ society, especially due to the changed behaviour of men in the presence of women. They act significantly less tolerant towards me.
The death of the nuclear family has left men without direction. Men are in an extended limbo as more women get advanced degrees and pit off having a family into their early to mid 30’s. Men are essentially put on ice for 15 years until the potential for a family is on the cards.
I’d say a lot of male loneliness comes from being raised to bottle shit up. Like, you’re expected to handle everything on your own, not show weakness, not need anyone. And then as you get older, friendships fade, dating gets weird, and shit starts to feel like you’re only valued for what you do, not who you are. All of its exhausting.
It’s not even just about being alone. It’s like….feeling like no one really sees you or gives a damn about what’s going on inside
I feel like a step in the right direction is having a brotherhood of men that appreciate and uplift you. I had a chance of experiencing that in a mens group session and the results were huge. Everything I had needed was there: comradery, validation, uplifting support, and space to be real and honest. So I think there’s something to that. But its not easy when you’re raised to be alone and independent.
Comments
Addiction to historic books and games
It’s a romantic loneliness issue. Can’t really blame either gender for it happening since both sides blame the other regarding it.
Not being comfortable with being by yourself and not having something to focus on. It can be just about anything from increasing your strength, completing a training class for work, saving up to get something special, just any kind of goal. The key is to have another goal after you’ve accomplished the one goal. Just sitting around spinning your wheels won’t help, aspire to something, even if it’s something small.
Men have lower value socially on average. Everyone wants female friends or partners no one wants male friends unless they can benefit from them.
This creates a natural imbalance to where majority of men are largely ignored and a small group consolidates all the attention.
In my case it’s that I would rather be alone than hanging out with most people. But I still wanna meet people with whom I actually want to spend time.
women would rather be approached by a bear than us.
I’d say individualism and the destruction of close-knit communities.
It brought some social progress, but one of the consequences is that everyone ends up alone while being surrounded by thousands of people who also feel lonely.
I think it’s a complex problem that doesn’t have a one size fits all answer. For some men it may be one thing while for other men it will be another thing. It’s probably fair to say there are a few common contributing factors that we nearly all deal with. Internet communication instead of in person for example or a generation of younger women especially that seem to look more for reasons not to be with someone than reasons to be with someone. Age differences, different income levels or job status / power dynamics or level of education all seem to be used by the younger generations as ways to segregate each other from each other rather than something to just be conscious of. There’s a lot and I mean a lot of contributing factors. Way to many to simply label one or two things as the cause. Though identifying contributing factors will probably help some guys.
Check out the book “the rational male.” It explains how society encourages men to behave in unattractive ways and punishes them for trying to be more assertive in general.
Be warned that it’s pretty misogynistic and uses old-school pick-up artist lingo, but at least it attempts to explain the phenomenon. I’ve never really seen it addressed elsewhere.
Society has been completely atomized. We’re isolated and divided. The result is people not socializing nearly as much as they used to. I would, ironically, blame the explosion of social media for the snowball effect of it.
Past experiences have impacts and also turning older .. there’s the unspoken mental health issues that effects men massive! Even when you’re around people , especially if you don’t feel seen and understood, it’s that quiet ache when conversations stays surface level, and no one really checks in on how you are, deep down.
Self inflicted. They’ll never approach anyone new or do any interesting hobbies and then wonder why nobody is close to them. I know way too many dudes who only work, but some shit job they don’t want to talk about, gym, and sleep. They don’t go on trips or activities and talking to them is like talking to an NPC
Surely this will be a civilized thread right?
I think it’s a general problem that effects everyone of all genders but ESPECIALLY men because we are taught to socialize completely differently, so we don’t build up the same support networks and really tight emotional bonds – or at least emotional in the same way. I have several friends I would take a bullet for, but I talk to most of them maybe every few months, and I know shit all about their lives because when we’re hanging out we’re just vibing. Like, I’m remembering one who has a wife and a kid, and if you stuck a gun to my head I couldn’t tell you what their names were, because he didn’t say and I didn’t ask.
Combine that with getting rid of most of the traditional sources of community (decline of religion, not interacting with neighbors as much, etc.), the areas you could go and socialize without spending a bunch of money dropping DRAMATICALLY, long work hours over multiple jobs with differing schedules and in some ways having simply too much to do so you aren’t forced out into the world to interact with people just to not stare at a fucking wall or the three channels playing shit you don’t care about on the TV anymore, and it’s a perfect recipe for social isolation. And that’s before we get into gender war shit, which is a whole different can of worms.
Social media is one big culprit – both sides are spending so much time on their phones or laptops they forget to go out. In the past if you wanted to chat, you had to physically meet. Now, you can instantly message someone. It’s convenient, but not very good for forming deep connections. The second issue would be the cost of living crisis. Because basics are so expensive, you’re constantly working and have very little leftover money to go out and spend time with friends or go on dates. The way society is built, it’s very difficult to form lasting connections. But don’t stop trying!
Both sides are to blame
Why men are to blame –
Reports of crime against women (this has been common but has reduced compared to earlier I believe)
Oversexualization or seeing womes as only for sex (atleast that’s how many women feel) and it is true to some extent.
Lack of emotional awareness (yes, as a dude I accept this. A large portion of men are emotionally unaware of how their actions might affect their loved ones.)
Why women (and law) are to blame –
Increased reports of false cases (this has been increasing recently and most men don’t want to risk their life just asking a woman out)
Increased hatred towards men for being men (toxic feminism)
Increased reports of extortion (I’m talking about child support and maintenence. Here in India, the laws are evem worse. You could be paying for maintenance without even having a child)
Increased reports of crimes against men. (women having affairs and then having the husband killed)
No consequences for cheating (women in marriage can cheat and get away with it while still getting the maintenance momey)
From all of this I think the biggest factor is the law being so rigged against men where we can face charges and even lose our career, jobs and any future we have all over a false case all the while the one making the allegations just walks away without any consequences.
Lack of walkable cities.
When kids can run around town and mingle, boys and girls actually have something to do that doesn’t cost money
Which leads to better dating skills later in life
[removed]
Elimination of the “third space”. Men used to have hang out spots after work
It’s getting harder to please women.
Men aren’t socialized to have platonic friendships with real emotional bonds, are discouraged from reaching out for any type of help, and are taught that it’s their woman’s responsibility to manage feelings in the home. The men in my family rallied hard against this and I’ve realized how different it has been for me socially.
Fellas, please go places to make platonic friendships, learn to love being with yourself doing what you like, and learn how to accept that everyone is not for everyone and it’s okay to not be wanted by one or more people. Your people are coming, you just have to put yourself out there and wait. It can suck and you might stumble across a few bad people, but it is worth it when you don’t HAVE to be dating somebody to get love and attention. Plus those outside voices of affirmation and sources of experience will show you positive aspects about yourself that will boost you up for the right partner.
In the last 2-3 decades women were conditioned to be social and amicable and nice, while men were conditioned to be leaders, strong and silent (in general, individuals differ). Turns out if you don’t teach boys true friendship and make every social interaction a competition, the men they become are bad at friendship. Not only at getting friends, but also at being friends. There is this pervasive idea that „i insult my best friends constantly and deeply, thats the mark of true friendship“ or some bullshit like that. Men feel like „being nice and friendly“ is a veneer they have to put on their strong brutally honest selves to appease the weak people surrounding them or some shit like that. You know who is to blame for men being lonely? Men. Us. You go golfing every week but don’t know that his kid is struggling with mental health. You go hunting together but don’t know that he is struggling with how bad he can read and write. You encourage your boys to do stupid, reckless shit that alienates them from their more thoughtful peers. And then we are sad that no one wants to hang out? We can’t calmly articulate how we feel and suffer from the pressures put on us instead we get loud and angry and we are surprised that we are not sought out? There so many lonely men out there who think they somehow deserve companionship just for existing, but god damn so many of those lonely man are downright assholes.
(Disclaimer: of course there are asshole women as well, but i believe the cause of male loneliness to be a problem created by men first. Women having higher standards and the ability to chose a partner not to secure their survival but because they like them is a huge boon to society)
It’s a whole bunch of things but they amount to men have their lives sucked up by career & many never learn the social skills necessary to do relationships. Like my old roommate and my own son I pretty much have to talk to their wives to hang out because they don’t know their schedule.
There used to be a lot more possibilities for male only spaces, but these are mostly gone. Mixed activities are no replacement and many rather stay on their own instead.
Looking at myself, I notice my much higher stress level being in a genderly mixed group/ society, especially due to the changed behaviour of men in the presence of women. They act significantly less tolerant towards me.
Not very strong spirit and soul
I think it was Bill Burr that said it. “The more money a woman makes the less attractive men become.”
The more money/opportunities women have the number of men that will interest her is going to get smaller and smaller.
The death of the nuclear family has left men without direction. Men are in an extended limbo as more women get advanced degrees and pit off having a family into their early to mid 30’s. Men are essentially put on ice for 15 years until the potential for a family is on the cards.
I think a lot of the stat conflates “loneliness” with being “alone” I don’t think as many dudes are as “lonely” as the stat suggests.
I’d say a lot of male loneliness comes from being raised to bottle shit up. Like, you’re expected to handle everything on your own, not show weakness, not need anyone. And then as you get older, friendships fade, dating gets weird, and shit starts to feel like you’re only valued for what you do, not who you are. All of its exhausting.
It’s not even just about being alone. It’s like….feeling like no one really sees you or gives a damn about what’s going on inside
I feel like a step in the right direction is having a brotherhood of men that appreciate and uplift you. I had a chance of experiencing that in a mens group session and the results were huge. Everything I had needed was there: comradery, validation, uplifting support, and space to be real and honest. So I think there’s something to that. But its not easy when you’re raised to be alone and independent.
Too much time spent online in the echo chamber that is social media.
Capitalism
Fake news