28M and 27F, have been dating for the past 9 months. 27F recently moved in with me temporarily before she finds a new place nearer to her work.
We had one of our first arguments recently. Basically she came home from a long day and lack of sleep, I had originally said I’d have dinner ready for when back home, but due to other commitments that popped up I could not do it. (Simple domestic dispute).
But the way she reacted to it, in my gut just says that the relationship isn’t right.
Just a cold, mean response. I can’t even really remember what she said, but the tone of it was a bit disturbing. I tried to talk about it later on but she was having none of it.
I am very much a giver and an empath, and readily forgive people. I feel that she isn’t this and I always had my suspicions, but this incident just made the penny drop for me. I think and I feel a bit sick because I love her but it just isn’t right. This isnt the right person for me and I think its not fair or good for me to stay in this relationship.
I do not want the relationship to end, but it needs to end at some point. The longer and longer it goes on the harder it’ll be I feel.
My question is when do I end it?
The problem is, if I did it now it’d leave her in limbo.
Basically we are both recent graduates and are due to start our new jobs as healthcare professionals at the end of the month. I am staying locally, she is moving to a nearby city, but in the interim she is staying at mine until she finds a place, and plans to leave just before the end of the month.
(It works for her to stay here at the moment because she can pick up bank/locum shifts readily, stay at mine and earn extra cash before starting full time employment at the months end.) .
If I were to end it now? How or where would she go? She’s got no car and no family nearby.
I originally thought to see what happens once we start working and see if it peeters out.
But I am conflicted. Because I think that I need the headspace now to prepare for work and not be in a strained relationship, rather than have a difficult break up whilst starting a difficult job. However, maybe I am acting too emotionally atm, and should rather let the relationship end once we’ve moved away.
I’d be interested to hear which option is best suited from the community?
(I personally think it’d be shit either way).
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You are dating for 9 months and this is one of your first arguments, so if you do care about her, I would say give it some more time. Of course, listen to your gut, but don’t define her entire personality or the entire relationship by just this one thing. Maybe try to sit her down and speak to her honestly about how you’re feeling. If she still doesn’t respond well, then you can be honest that you’re thinking of breaking up with her.
Edit: also be curious as to why maybe it meant so much to her for her to react the way she did. Big chance she was triggered by something that doesn’t actually have anything to do with you. Maybe lead with that curiosity and then reiterate how it made you feel. Aim to mutually understand each other better!
Yeah, I’d think about forgiving her for one mistake. 9 months is a pretty long stretch to go without an argument. Let her stay with you until it’s time for her to go and then think about how you feel with her gone. It could have been an off day for her. We all have them.
I mean seems a bit harsh to break up over one simple argument but if you are not feeling it then you tell her as soon as possible. Don’t string her along another month
You know.. arguments aren’t supposed to be this pleasant experience? I’m not sure what she said, but saying one thing and doing another will upset pretty much anyone.
I’m not sure what else came up, but based on what you said, it seems like you’re overreacting.
I’m an empath? But she makes one mistake and she’s out the door.
Never trust anyone who says their an empath.
If you’re determined then wait till she has new housing. You’re supposedly empathetic then act like it.
You know it’s not working, but you’re hesitant to end it due to her temporary living situation. Consider having an open conversation about your feelings and concerns. Maybe you can find a compromise or a plan for her to move out sooner. If not, it might be better to end it now and support her through the transition, rather than dragging it out and making it harder for both of you.
Mate. Alternative view to the others.
My first wife started as an LDR. First weekend together I was kinda taken aback by how…. Mean… she could sound from time to time.
I raised it with her that things seemed different with us than I expected.
She burst into tears. I felt like shit. And we eventually married. For 10 years
Her “meanness”, which was self righteous, critical, selfish gaslighting was present in that first weekend in mild form and I subconsciously felt it.
Trust your gut.
Being grumpy at your partner after a long day, is hardly a crime or rare. Sounds like you finally entering a serious relationship now the honeymoon phase is over. Funny how, once you get comfortable, the arguments start. Soon enough you’ll be the grumpy one who upsets your gf. Welcome to longterm relationship
Rip the Band-Aid now. You already know it’s over, dragging it out won’t make it hurt less. Let her crash there for a couple weeks if you’re feeling charitable, but make it clear you’re done. Don’t martyr yourself just because her life’s inconvenient.
End it now. The fact that you’re posting on Reddit is enough.
Relationships posted on Reddit are doomed to fail or be toxic.
If your gut senses something listen to it.
9 months into the relationship and this is your first real arguments? That’s quite good going, tbh…
You said that she came home after a long day and lack of sleep. She was most likely feeling agitated from that and lashed out in a way that is out of character for her. (any chance as well that it’s her time of the month?)
If the relationship has generally been very good, with only the odd blip here and there, then I wouldn’t recommend throwing away what is potentially a very good and stable relationship.
And, yes, even strong relationships have their odd flaw or two (just like every person has a flaw or two) and arguments.
I’ve been in a very stable and loving relationship for almost 10 years now and myself and my partner still have those days where we’ll have a small argument about something. But that often comes from tiredness and stress and we both eventually regret our behaviour and apologise.
If this one thing is what made the penny drop, I feel like there’s been plenty of other things that have made you doubt the relationship.
You say you’re a giver and an empath. Is she giving back as much in return? Does the relationship feel imbalanced?
I was in a very imbalanced relationship. I never wanted to argue but they would always try and turn stuff into one. I felt like I loved them more than they loved me. It will hurt. A lot. But at some point you’ve got to analyse the relationship and think about what you really want from it.
If it’s not feeling right after 9 months, will it ever feel right? One of the biggest mistakes people get themselves into is thinking things will get better. Sometimes they do, but if it’s a foundational problem with the relationship, then that usually won’t. This is the person they are, judge them for how they act today, not how they might act tomorrow.
Express your concerns, talk things through carefully, and see what happens. If they genuinely care about you as much as you care about them, they’ll be willing to have a real discussion. If they deflect and aren’t willing to work together, they are not the one.