My(28F)best friend(29F) and her ex(34M) were together for 6 years on and off and they broke up due to cultural reasons and he couldn’t stand up to his family. She has since moved to a different country for her MBA, and they were still very much in love. However due to circumstances they had to break up, and 8 months later he has now gotten engaged.
In the past she has mentioned not to ever tell her if he moves on/gets engaged, however now he has. And we, her friends are not sure what to do. Do we tell her?
She doesn’t have her close friends/family with her and we’re scared if we tell her she could go into a depression but if we don’t tell her are we hiding it from her and that’s bad? Also, it’s important to note she does follow a few of his friends on Instagram so there is a chance she will find out anyway, but it would be devastating for her, even though she has mentioned not wanting to know in the past
AITA for hiding this from her?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
My(28F)best friend(29F) and her ex(34M) were together for 6 years on and off and they broke up due to cultural reasons and he couldn’t stand up to his family. She has since moved to a different country for her MBA, and they were still very much in love. However due to circumstances they had to break up, and 8 months later he has now gotten engaged.
In the past she has mentioned not to ever tell her if he moves on/gets engaged, however now he has. And we, her friends are not sure what to do. Do we tell her?
She doesn’t have her close friends/family with her and we’re scared if we tell her she could go into a depression but if we don’t tell her are we hiding it from her and that’s bad? Also, it’s important to note she doesn’t follow a few of his friends on Instagram so there is a chance she will find out anyway, but it would be devastating for her, even though she has mentioned not wanting to know in the past
AITA for hiding this from her?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) if I don’t tell her and hide this from her, will that make me the asshole?
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re not hiding anything. It’s not your job to tell her.
NTA she has told you she doesn’t want to know. Respect her enough to actually follow her wishes.
She specifically asked you not to tell her. NTA
Difficult territory.
She’s asked you not to tell you, so NTA for respecting those wishes. But if you think it hurt her when she (eventually, seemingly) finds out, specifically because her friends didn’t tell her…well, it’d make her TA for setting such boundaries and then being the one upset when her friends keep them, but also its understandable you’d want to get ahead of that.
Can you visit her? I most certainly wouldn’t make it a text or any type of distant communication if you think she’ll hit a depression.
Maybe phrase it so its her choice – “did you mean what you said when you wanted no updates on ex?”. Because I imagine she thought it’d take a bit longer than 8 months for him to get engaged and that’ll probably be the shocker.
But naturally, no, NTA. For most people, its far healthier for them to have no further contact and having ‘friends’ that like to keep you updated can often do more harm than good. There are situations were such ‘friends’ are keeping these updates going for all the wrong reasons, however you appear genuinely concerned for her. It may upset her, but I’m sure she’ll appreciate your concern and support in the end.
You would be a complete asshole if you told her when she is probably quite vunerable and oh yeah, she told you not to fucking tell her.
NTA. She told you not to tell her. Be respectful and do as she asked.
not the a-hole. she literally told you she didn’t wanna know. you’re just respecting her boundary. if she finds out on her own, that’s different, but this isn’t something you need to drop on her.
So they were together for 6 years without being engagned and he is with someone for less than 8 months and already engaged? There is something off here.
Respect her wishes, do not tell her! If she ever asks you why you did not tell her just say you respected her wishes.
NTA. What part of her statement was unclear? She doesn’t want to be told, so don’t tell her. Period.
NTA.
You’re doing exactly as she asked
If you want to check if her opinion has changed you could try asking her next time you’re chatting, like “Just wanted to check that no updates on your ex is still what you want” or such
Might help to also refresh it in her mind for incase she finds out through social media or such since it sounds like you’re worried she might be upset if she finds out you hadn’t told her.
Telling her wouldn’t have much benefit especially since she asked not to be told of anything
NTA. She asked you not to tell her. Telling is a form of “you think you know better what she needs than she does.” Now, maybe she’ll be upset with you when she does find out. People lash out with loved ones. Then you have the truth that she asked you not to tell her. If you tell her and she gets upset, what rationale do you have? This is clearcut. You obviously want the best for her. And while she can’t see it yet, him moving on is best for her as it seems his family may have found a more “suitable” match for their spineless progeny.