i don’t even know how to say this without sounding bitter. but i am. bitter, tired, and honestly… done pretending everything’s fine. so here’s the deal. i’m 26. my husband’s 30. we’ve got two little kids both under 5. and for the past couple of months, he hasn’t been giving anything. like, no money. zero. not for groceries. not for bills. not for milk. i mean… how do you even ignore your own kids needing food? he used to help. not a lot, but enough. lately? i don’t even know where his money’s going. i work part time, and yeah i stretch what little i have, but it’s not enough. and every time i bring it up, he brushes me off or says he’s “stressed.” we’re all stressed. try telling that to a hungry toddler who just wants cereal and milk. so a few nights ago, i kinda snapped. i asked him straight up can you at least buy milk and some damn groceries? his face? blank. like i just asked for a yacht or something. then he got defensive. started yelling about how i don’t appreciate anything he does ?? what does he even DO??, and that i’m making him look like a bad father in front of his mom. yep. his mom. she’s somehow always part of the conversation.
she lives a few streets away and is always up in our business. always taking his side. always acting like i’m the demanding one. one time she even said, “you’re the mom, it’s your job to make it work.” like… what? so now it’s awkward. cold shoulders. silent treatment. and his mom’s been messaging me vague things like “marriage takes sacrifice.” cool. where’s his sacrifice? i get that people go through tough times. i get that pride makes things complicated. but come on. this is about our kids. food. milk. how is that even up for debate? so yeah. i told him off. i told him to step up and stop acting like we don’t exist unless it’s convenient for him. and now i’m the one feeling guilty. i don’t know. maybe i was too harsh. maybe i should’ve handled it better. but damn. i just wanted milk for our kids. AITAH?
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Divorce him and file for child support. That’ll show him and his mama
Sorry but why are you married to a POS like that? Divorce, get custody and get the count mandated money from him for the kids. Your life will be much easier.
So you’re a single mum paying to keep an extra grown adult too? Well this one couldn’t be any easier. Leave. Absolutely nothing will change except now you will have more money because you’re not paying for a second adult in the home, you don’t have to do another adults cooking, laundry, cleaning up after etc AND there’s court ordered child support to come. Extra bonus of not having his mother involved anymore. You already do everything for your kids. What would you be losing?
Im willing to bet that he’s telling her something different since it doesn’t sound like you and MiL communicate much. Maybe sitting her down and explaining your side of things like an adult… if she can handle that will help her see things your way.
You husband is on oxy or something
You are not the Ahole. Perhaps have a chat where you both discuss your finances and budgeting. A piece of paper with income and expenses on your side and then he needs to do the same with his and discuss it. It’s pretty reasonable to want a partner to contribute. It’s a typical expectation to have really unless a couple explicitly agrees otherwise. To be fair, if he’s changed and is unwilling to work with you, trust your instincts and do what will work best for you.
Msg his mum saying he has not helped or purchased anything and ask her to do a decent grocery shop of basics to stock up for kids because he doesn’t help and you have (insert big bill names) to pay right now.
YTA for choosing this deadbeat to be the father of your kids.
NTA – you are a married single mom (married to a mama’s boy no less!) and I’m sorry to say it doesn’t get better. You need to do what’s best for you & your kids; and maybe what’s best is cutting off that dead weight so that you only have to take care of you & your kids. As an added bonus, you can get child support which will ensure that your husband is actually providing for the kids he helped creating
Send an itemised bill to his Morher of all the things he should be covering. Since she’s inserted herself, she can insert her wallet. Every single week u til the message gets across.
Do you have family or a friend you can live with temporarily? I think this man needs a reality check that if he cannot be motivated to step up, not even for his own children, you do not have to put up with it. And your children deserve better. Right now he thinks he has the upper hand and is gaslighting you, both him and his mother and there hasn’t been any real consequences. But if you leave, it will also give you perspective on whether this marriage is even worth it or salvageable.
And if he comes back wanting to work on this relationship and provide for his kids, therapy should be mandatory for him.
NTA
WTF This is neglect and financial abuse. You and your children deserve better. My blood is boiling.
Or Divorce him, give him 50/50 custody and let him see how hard it is part time. That way you will have time to pursue a higher degree of education, engage in hobby & have down time with friends!
I believe he is addicted to something either drugs or prostitution. Talk to your MIL to explain her really what is going on and ask help for your husband’s addiction. Or just kick him out and serve him the divorce papers! At least you’ll have milk in the house this way.
NTA. But if he won’t give you money for your children, then you have to take money for your children. Let a judge tell him exactly how much money he needs to give you. And stop trying to raise a husband. That was his mom’s job and she failed. Spectacularly.
Trust me, sis. Your life will be so much happier and easier once he’s not in it anymore.
Your husband is spending his money somewhere. Does he have a porn, drug or gambling problem? Is he having an affair? Does he have outstanding debt? He sounds like a sinking ship. You don’t need to drown with him. Divorce him.
You think you’re the AH when your kids are hungry and he nor his nosy mother are doing anything to help???
Girl.
Eh spending it on his side piece
Don’t fool yourself
Get ready to take off
Watch him cry in 20 years when his grandkids are all grown
He’s probably pissing away his paycheck on booze, hookers and blow “because he’s stressed.” Meanwhile, his two children go hungry but he doesnt care! Sounds like he doesn’t want to be a father or provider or care for his family. He is checked out and that is unacceptable. You have two hungry children who need their parents. Unfortunately, it seems like all they have is you right now bc their father is a selfish, manipulative low-life. He deserves his comeuppance and to be held accountable.
Do you have family that you can stay with? Can you visit the local food banks or churches for food? Do you use social media? Post about needing food and shame him indirectly. He’s more concerned about being construed as a bad father in his mother’s eyes, rather than outwardly being a bad father. He needs to be called out and shamed. Show up to her house with your kids in tow, saying that they’re hungry and need food. Say her son is not doing anything to feed or support them. See what she says. Will she still stick to her guns that you are the problem and that you need to make it work? If so, some grandmother she is. Write her off.
You can’t pull food out of thin air. You need to find support outside of your marriage, and reconsider your union with him. He is going to ruin all of your lives.
He’s struggling with an addiction or lost his job. NTA
NTA. What exactly is this man bringing to you and your children? If you saw a good friend bring treated like this what advice would you give them?
Only you can decide if you stay married or not but if it was me I’d want him to attend marriage counselling and see a massive improvement before I considered staying.
Children need a safe happy environment and only you can decide if they get that with married parents or are better off with 2 separated parents who co-parent.
NTA. Is he cheating on you? I’m asking because you said he has money but you don’t know where it’s going…. Either way, you’re a married single mom. I rarely ever jump to divorce, but I think that is what needs to happen. And his mom sounds toxic.
Girl run.
Lawyer.
Child support.
Ooooohhhhhh WHAT???? “He used to help out… not a lot.” WHAT????? WHAT????? Help out??? IT’S HIS FAMLY, there should be no “helping out,” he should be IN IT. He’s not even a man, he’s a boy.
This is easy babe… leave. There is nothing here worth salvaging if he lets your kids go hungry and makes you struggle to feed them and yourself. HE IS LETTING YOUR KIDS GO HUNGRY. That’s it. Take care of your children. Divorce him, and let the courts MAKE him take care of his kids.
You’re definitely not in the wrong. Honestly, you’re just asking for basic help feeding his kids-how is that unreasonable? He’s deflecting, and his mom’s comments aren’t helping. Don’t feel guilty. You deserve real support, not excuses. He needs to step up, not you doing it all alone.
NTA – and you might not realize this, but what he’s doing to you is a form of financial abuse. He’s the one with the money, but he’s not allowing you reasonable access to it to keep the household running.
I can understand why you’re at your wits end. This is complete bullshit. He knows what he’s doing. He’s trying to control you. You can’t leave him if you don’t have any money.
“Marriage takes sacrifices” ?
Great. He can start making some.
Honestly- your children and yourself will fare better on social programs available to single parents.
It is his responsibility to provide for his children. This is willful non-support.
NTA
Ask his mum how she managed to work and feed her kids and pay all the bills off her income. She seems to have done it, she should give you advice.
Other than that? Divorce him. At least then you can get court ordered child support. You’ll be better off.
No husband should ever need to “give” a wife money to buy groceries. If he has separate finances and accounts, and you have to ask for money, that’s a huge red flag in the relationship. Financial issues are one of the leading problems in divorces.
“Financial issues” doesn’t mean being poor. It means conflict in how you manage your money.
You sure he even still has a job? Maybe he got fired and is just going to mommies house every day while he “figures stuff out”. Either way, NTA, he either has to step up or get out. You don’t need an extra child to feed.
Outsiders “help out”.
Fathers, if they are worth a damn, PROVIDE.
End of story. Stress is NOT even 1% an excuse. He needs to step it up NOW. Neglect, in this case, is ABUSE.
Visit his mom with screaming hungry children. Ask her for some money for food. If she gonna be a part of the conversation then enlighten her on what a fabulous man she raised. Then place your hand out while kids are screaming.
How do you not know where his money is at, you’re married and should have joined bank account.
It sounds like you two shouldn’t have even gotten married.
Ask him to go to counseling with you. If he goes, it will help y’all get on the same page, him realizing what a jerk he’s being. If he refuses. Take the kids and go to a relative or friend. Talk to a really good divorce attorney.
NTA, please talk to a lawyer ASAP. You can get a free consultation to understand more about your options.
NTA
Since he’s not paying for the food, I hope you don’t give him any.
What you need to do go get up and go to his mother door and tell her my kids need some food every single time! Wake her up day and night! And don’t leave till the kids get fed!
This bs AI story never happened
>we’ve got two little kids both under 5.
…
>Thanks for the advice. I’m really just trying to do what’s best for me and my child right now..
Quick tip, OP, try to remember how many kids you claimed to have.
You were not too harsh at all. He’s irresponsible. If he can’t afford (ha!) to buy food for his family, send him to a food pantry. Let him see how that feels.
You are in an abusive relationship
Call it for what it is.
Start asking his mom for money. “Your son has refused to contribute to feeding your grandchildren. They are hungry. I need $50 so I can go buy cereal and milk. If he’s not going to chip in will you or is this whole family ok with starving its children?
What is he eating if he’s not paying for groceries? Are you cooking for him? Maybe it’s time for that to stop because there wasn’t enough food left
NTA
Why are you with him? Is there anyone you can stay with? You’ve sacrificed enough for him, so you need to get out.
NTA, file for divorce and custody, sign him up for child support. Even if doesn’t pay, you’ll be down to two kids instead of 3.
He is emotionally abusive and manipulative. He is a momma’s boy and it will always be you against the two of them.
File for divorce as for the maximum child support possible and supervised visitation for your husband. Who sounds like he would just be an absentee father anyway and not show up. You and your kids deserve better.
Get a full time job. It will be nice if he turns around but you can’t have hungry kids in the mesntime.