He has been married to her for two years. Dated for one before that. I(26) knew he’s quite busy but didn’t think he would forget.
On Mom’s birthday, my brother and I got her one present each. Her favorite actress is starring in a new series so I bought her the novel it’s based on, so she can read it before the show is released. My brother got her a Popmart figurine.
When we went over to their house and her husband realized that he forgot, he got upset. He said we should have warned him since we know how much time he spends at work and that things can slip his mind.
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He has been married to her for two years. Dated for one before that. I(26) knew he’s quite busy but didn’t think he would forget.
On Mom’s birthday, my brother and I got her one present each. Her favorite actress is starring in a new series so I bought her the novel it’s based on, so she can read it before the show is released. My brother got her a Popmart figurine.
When we went over to their house and her husband realized that he forgot, he got upset. He said we should have warned him since we know how much time he spends at work and that things can slip his mind.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not reminding him since I do know how busy he is with his work.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Does he pay you for being his personal assistant? No? Then NTA.
NTA. If he’s so successful at work, surely he knows how to put important dates on a calendar.
NTA. He’s a grown ass adult. There are plenty of ways to remind one’s self of important days and activities if you know you’re busy or forgetful and he didn’t bother.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to handle things for a grown man he should remember by default. And calendars exist on our phones that can remind you well in advance.
Hubs is an adult, he needs to adult, which means putting a reminder on his calendar. He’s had three years to enter that information. NTA
NTA
NTA. No big deal. He was embarrassed and upset. Next year text him.
In this day and age of digital calendars with alarm systems and multiple reminders… no, you’re NTA. He should use his available resources and make sure he’s not in the dog house when it comes to important wife dates. This is 110% on him.
NTA. If a grown man can’t figure out how to use a calendar, he’s trash.
NTA. I mean yeah you could have given him a reminder, but in no way shape or form is that your responsibility. He is a grown adult. If he knows one of his flaws is that he can be forgetful then he can put reminders in his calender to counter that. I’m sure he does it for his work life, why not for his personal life
For his birthday you sbould buy him a calendar.
NTA. There’s this thing called a calendar. He should look into it.
You’re not his secretary and he is a grown adult. NTA
The real issue is that, instead of owning his own screw up, he tried to blame you for “not reminding him”. That’s just a really bad look for a grown ass man, who has a passing fancy with how calendars work and presumable has a smart phone, with a what’s it called, yeah, it’s a freaking calendar!!! I feel bad for your mom that she is married to someone so self
absorbed, he can’t be bothered to remember her bday.
NTA.
Like…what? Is he for real? He should be mad at himself and take some accountability for his lack of attentiveness.
Does the man have a phone? They have calendars. He can literally put it in once and make it recurring. This isn’t on you. I bet he remembers key facts and information that interest him…
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nta that’s not your responsibility
It’s not your job to remind a grown man of his wife’s birthday
He has a phone, but can’t be bothered to enter it once?
NTA. He’s supposedly a grown man. Doesn’t he know how the calendar function in his phone works?
NTA everyone should know their spouses bday wth. The amount of technology he could have set up to prevent him from remembering too is insane
NTA. It’s not your job or responsibility to parent other adults.
HIS memory is not YOUR responsibility
NTA unless you knew he was going to forget and you have issues with him. Then maybe.
In the end we are all responsible for remembering or setting up reminders for our own important dates.
I always forget birthdays. And my mother made a big deal about them in a nice way. Nobody’s perfect. My four sons don’t seem to hold it against me. I give nice presents or money once reminded. I do remember my grandchildren’s b’days because they tell me what to get them and when to order to be sure the Amazon delivery is on time. I always appreciate it when my daughters in law remind me.
NTA. Bet he will remember next year as he wipes that egg off his face!
Did he also blame you for now showing him where the clitoris is?
NTA obviously.
Oh, so it’s YOUR fault that he forgot her birthday. Yikes.
NTA
If a man has been dating / engaged / married to a woman for 3+ years, he damn well ought to have committed her birthday to memory at that point. Or if he has trouble with birthdays (which is a real thing, but usually not with one’s spouse!) then put a reccuring reminder in your phone / computer, dude. Not rocket science.
Then he plays the “not my fault, you should’ve reminded me” card? Yeah, Certified Asshole. Jesus, not the end of the world… own up, say you’re sorry, and make it up to her (mostly by not forgetting again).
I bet he remembers things he considers important … like work stuff.
NTA. He has a smartphone and it has a calendar app.
NTA. It’s not that hard to set a reminder on his phone. That’s not your job
Nta, he’s an adult.
Uh this is what the calendar app is for in ones phone! Oof!
NTA! Lol! Does he use a cell phone? Those have calendars where you can set reminders for upcoming events. Does he have to know dates or deadlines for his work projects? Then he can keep track of family events using the same method he tracks work stuff. Only 2 years into a marriage and he is already shifting blame for his mistakes to people who don’t even live in the house. Lol! Not your fault at all, OP.
NTA
Your gift for you mom was so thoughtful. I love that so much 💕
Your stepfather, though. He was embarrassed that he forgot his wife’s birthday and he was projecting that onto you.
If this was a one off event, then it probably is just that he was super busy, although it still isn’t your responsibility to remind a grown ass adult that it’s his wife’s birthday. As others have said there are a lot of ways to remind yourself of important dates.
If this is a pattern of behavior, be careful. Maybe he’s always had someone else to take care of him, or he’s so self absorbed he just doesn’t care. In my experience, usually people who behave like this can’t admit they made a mistake and instead blames their mistakes on others.
Since you don’t live with your mom and stepfather, you don’t have to deal with it on the daily, but it’s probably good to be aware of this behavior if it’s a regular thing.
No he’s responsible for his own mental load. Seriously. 😂😤
NTA. He’s married to your mother so he should know when her birthday is and not expect you to remind him. That’s the reason why calendars also exist.
NTA this is all on him
Yes
NTA
$5 says that if you had reminded him of your mother’s birthday, he would have gotten annoyed and defensive and snapped at you that he knew when his wife/your mother’s birthday is.
NTA, he’s a grown ass man and should be capable of remembering her birthday.
Nope, he’s an adult and a man and don’t need to be told anything!!
NTA. His responsibility. Provided that there was no intentionality in not reminding him.
If you did it intentionally (only you know that), YTA. Not for the lack of a reminder as much as knowing you could help and chose not to.
NTA. Surely this adult man knows that his wife has a birthday and that she would want to celebrated on that day. If he knew he had forgotten the date of that birthday he could have and should have ASKED one of her children. Then once he was sure of the date he could have used one of the multitude of options our modern world has to offer in order to remember when it was coming. But he didn’t take those very easy steps to do even the bare minimum to make his wife feel seen and cared for by him. Instead he’d rather blame others for his failure. We’re all busy in this world. If he cared he would have made an effort.
So I have an extremely busy job, and my colleagues have busy jobs. And I know other people with busy jobs. And guess what we all have in common? We all live by our fucking calendars.
Do you also know what successful people don’t do? Blame others for their bullshit mistakes.
NTA, I’m sure he has a phone, and he should put important dates in his calendar.
He’s an AH 2x . 1 for forgetting his wife’s birthday. 2nd for blaming you guys.
He’s so busy, he must have a calendar to keep track of his schedule and tasks, right? It’s not hard to put your significant other’s birthday on the calendar too
NTA- It’s not your responsibility to take care of his relationships. He’s an adult and needs to take care of his own responsibilities. I am wondering how often he likes to blame others for his own behavior and if the does it with your mom.
NTA, of course. I have CPTSD and ADHD, both my long and short term memory are impacted. At times I can’t remember what I was saying as I was saying it. But you know what I do? I try my best to not make it other people’s problem by using a calendar and reminder alarms and all that. I have documents to put info about my loved ones into so I don’t forget the details I want to remember. I can just go visit the note for them and see anything relevant like gift tastes, bday, address, etc. so I don’t have to ask a million times.
I also have dyscalculia, pretty common comorbidity with ADHD, which impacts the way that I understand, reason with, use and remember numbers. It’s basically number dyslexia for those who need a simplification. Meaning, all numbers are impacted for me, including bdays. For me in particular it impacts the year. It is so hard for me to remember the year of someone’s birth but much easier for me to tack down the month and day. I can rattle off my partners birth month and year no problem but have a hard time recalling the year! Isn’t that nuts? But I’ll know how old they are too so sometimes I just end up doing the math. But I also have it all written down like I said. I just can’t instant recall always. But that’s why I have the notes.
I’m naturally type B personality too so like. Woof. You know? And despite all this, it is absolutely no one’s problem but mine. And I have disabilities! It’s still my problem and I am still responsible for it. Why do I have more accountability than your mom’s new husband, when I have what many people would consider more legitimate reasons? He was just busy? Cool, we all are, but we still take time and effort for those we love. It’s a whole lot of effort for me because of my conditions, but I do it with happiness knowing it’s for loved ones.
NTA. Mention to your mother that you were chastised for this by her new husband.
NTA
He’s a grown man who decided of his own free will to marry your money.
He’s not a kid who needs reminding! He’s an independent adult who should know when his wife’s birthday is. He can put recurring reminders on his phone if he needs it. You’re not responsible for this grown man! He only has himself to blame.
NTA
NTA. Why are you responsible for telling him when his wife’s birthday is?
NTA. About 18 years ago this amazing invention called a smart phone was released to the world. I’m guessing he has one. Create a calendar entry with a reminder and it will show up every year… Or he could put the birthdate in the contact card for his wife and the phone will also reminder him without being in the calendar…
Wait, I thought of another use – he could also put in their anniversary, so he doesn’t miss that…
Wait – another use – he could put your birthday in there…
He doesn’t get to blame you for his stupidity.
Calendars are amazing. He can set a reminder alert to manage his own life. NTA
NTA. Not your responsibility to remind him.
NTA
He’s a ding dong to get upset with you.
NTA but he’s probably embarrassed and felt horrible
If he’s working he needs to know the day and date. If he forgot, it’s his problem not yours.
I just use notes. Don’t know how to use calendar. My daughter in law makes a photo calendar for me every year with all dates. Sigh.
I am 81 and still work so lots of things take a back seat. I am thinking of retiring.
Tldr no you’re not!
Maybe for her next birthday gift her an adult husband instead of whatever the fuck that is.
No he needs to feel tho he result of his carelessness not have others anticipate and prevent it.
Either he’s going to be too busy to remember birthdays or he’s going to have healthy relationships- can’t have both. Relationships are work and if he’s not up for it he needs to own it and go live in the wilderness.