I just moved back to my hometown after about 10 years away. An old friend I used to hang out with reached out to me and wanted to reconnect, so we’ve been hanging out every couple weeks or so. We go out and do fun things together, and we share a lot of the same interests. The problem is, their life has totally fallen apart and it tends to dominate the conversation and become emotionally exhausting.
They used to live in another city, but their housing situation became too stressful and so they relocated to their parents’ attic. Their parents are very high maintenance and fussy people, who totally resent them being there and pick on them all the time. The attic is also not very well insulated so it gets very hot or cold depending on the season. Apparently there is another bedroom available but it would be in very close proximity to their parents room so they prefer to suffer upstairs.
They are also autistic and say they can only work remote jobs now (they also recently had to sell their car). But they also don’t want to settle for anything paying less than $20/hr.. which of course is very hard to find. So they don’t have any job right now, and haven’t for at least a year. They’ve been working with a state-employed job counselor but have turned down at least one opportunity to work remote for $15/hr that I know of.
They’re also about to go through a major gender-affirming surgery which I know is going to be very difficult for them, and they just can’t stop explaining how horrible it’s going to be to have to rely on their parents for help.
So I’m trying to be there… but the cherry on top is that they never ask me how I’m doing, or make any room in the conversation for me to share what’s going on in my life. I feel more like a therapist than a friend, plus it’s so tone deaf for them to constantly complain about their life (and every bad thing their parents ever did to them since childhood) when everyone else I know is working so much to get by (myself included).
I know for a fact that they have been through therapy before, but it definitely doesn’t feel like they’ve worked through their issues, and new traumatic events are happening all the time with their parents.
I don’t know how to talk to them about this. I know they can’t afford therapy. They are covered with self-harm scars. They have absolutely no one else around anymore, and after hanging out with them more recently, I understand why. I’ve been trying to space out our hangs more because it’s so exhausting to hear about all their baggage every time, when they aren’t really doing anything to change the situation. Do I need to end this friendship? I think I might be the only person showing them any kindness, but I just don’t know if I can do it anymore.
TLDR: My friend has no car or job, and is living with toxic parents, with no end in sight, and will not stop complaining about it because I’m the only person who talks to them anymore. I feel like it’s the emotional equivalent of trying to save a drowning person.