I feel like I’m insane (31F/30M)

Tl;dr Not even 7 months into a slowly failing relationship. 0 idea what to do.

He’s a body builder, and takes PEDs. When we first started dating, of course I was a handsy girl. And of course I was more aggressive, he’s more passive by nature.

Around February he started to dial back his PED usage and told me it would affect his libido for a couple of months. So, dead bedroom, couldn’t even get hard. That’s fine. He did get hard once or twice but lost it and it sent him into such a bad self-loathing mini spiral I just told him we would wait.

We’ve had a few talks about it. He blamed his PEDs, but also blamed a stomach bacteria. “I haven’t gotten hard in 4 weeks, it’s not you!” And then a couple of months ago, we sit down before I head to work (he’s a contractor and took the year off of work, so he’s home all day while I go to work) and he tells me “I’m starting to get my libido back, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to have sex yet, so don’t take my lack of effort as disinterest”.

Last month we had an argument because he’s upset we aren’t having sex??? and tells em that conversation we had about getting his libido back was a hint he was ready for sex????

And then he tells me “we had an argument in February and ever since then I haven’t felt comfortable with you. I need to feel fully comfortable in order to have sex. You need to be more intimate with me in order for me to feel happy and secure in this relationship”

And I’ve been trying. Being more cuddly. Being more affectionate. But, and maybe this is on me, I feel like a single mother to an adult son at the moment balancing everything on my own.

Now it’s July. Yesterday he sits me down and tells me “I don’t think you understand that you’re neglecting me, and maybe I’m not making it clear. I need you to initiate sex. Every single time. I’m not comfortable doing it and won’t be for the first few months. But it’s like the dog (my rescue dog): she didn’t know how to play at first, now she does it all the time. I’m not as experienced as you are. You need to understand that. We don’t have sex, you don’t initiate but you used to. Why did you stop?”

????????????????

Anyways yeah. I do all of the cooking and cleaning at home for the most part. I take care of the dog. I work. Sex is the last thing on my mind. Tried to tell him I have a lot of my plate, I don’t have time to baby him and then also do all the work there too??

Completely separate from the fact, because I refused to cut his chicken after I made dinner for him a month ago he told me “how do you ever expect to be a mother and raise a child if you can’t even cut my chicken for me??” I just blankly said “I’m not your slave??” Which ended up with him screaming at me that I do nothing around the house and he does everything in the relationship. Mind you we are in the car as this is going on, he’s driving me to work yesterday morning. So he’s yelling at me “tell me what you do since you’re a fucking slave, huh? Tell me what you do. You don’t do shit. You don’t even fucking do the dishes! All you have to fucking do is rinse them and put them in the dishwasher!!”

Which. I do. The problem is that he uses 5-10 dishes a day alone and then just throws them in the sink. Dirty and crusty. And I pointed that out and then listed every dish that was his.

Just gasps and over exaggerated OOOOH UH HUH YEAH OKAY WHATEVER SUREEEE YOI JUST DONT EAT SURE

Not what I said. I digress. I tell him if he can’t be respectful, he needs to not speak to me. He keeps yelling and demanding what I do. Everything I say is shot down. He tells me I tried to pawn off responsibility of the dog onto him (by waking him to make sure she has water during the day and occasionally asking him to walk her at night while I’m making his dinners, weighing his fucking portions and calculating his macros, boxing everything up for him.

Washed the sheets? Only person who does the laundry? I don’t do it often enough. The sheets? I get to them maybe twice a month right now. He’s never changed the sheets or washed them.

His response? “And whose filthy fucking animal is dragging their ass on the bed and making us clean the sheets?” Sir it’s bedsheets they need to be cleaned every few days??????

So I put my headphones in after about 5 minutes of this. He starts yelling louder. I calmly tell him I’m not arguing with him anymore. I do not want to speak. Please leave me alone.

His response? Turns on loud rock music, blasts it to max in the car, rolls down the window on the highway and starts screaming the lyrics at me.

Then drops me at work with a “have a great day”. I get home? All his dishes are done. Countertops wiped. He’s trying to be nice to me. Affectionate with the dog. Tried to give updates on her day to me. I’m not speaking to him. We broke up. He fucking brought it up first.

Tried to help me find things around the house. Tried to help me clean. Nope. Go do what you do every day. Go play RuneScape from 8am to 11pm. Goodbye.

So I ended the relationship yesterday, but he’s trying to make amends. I refuse to speak to him. I came home from work (which I take the bus to and from because he “doesn’t like traffic”. In the Nevada heat. But I don’t do enough in this relationship) and he tried to talk to me, tell me about the dogs day (who he called a filthy animal that morning and blamed for half of everything too)

I just want to know if I’m insane? I feel insane. Why is the onus on me to initiate sex every time too? Is this normal? Has anyone experienced anything like this? Who the fuck? What?

I think I’m just so fucking tired of holding this all in. I’ve already contacted a new complex and our current one to get into a new place. I’m done. I just… I have no one to talk to reasonably about this. It’s humiliating to be treated like this. Am I insane?