I (35f) recently went on vacation with my husband (36m) and our four kids to visit my sister (39f), who lives across the country. Our kids had never met, so we planned to stay in an Airbnb 1.5 hours from her home, closer to attractions. She offered her house, but I chose the Airbnb for convenience and she agreed, saying she was down for whatever.
When we arrived (around 10 p.m.), she still hadn’t shown up. Her kids later said she had been screaming at them outside for an hour. Eventually, they came in, we visited briefly, then went to bed.
The next morning, we had plans to go to an amusement park. She left at 5:30 a.m. to “let the dog out” and didn’t return until 11, long after out plans to leave. I was annoyed—she knew we were flying out to see them and didn’t arrange a dog sitter? At the park, she disappeared again for three hours to take her daughter to the mall. I was hurt.
The next morning, she packed all her things, even though we were supposed to stay another night at the Airbnb. She said she was just “going home to let the dog out” and would text plans later. She never did, I texted and hours passed before she replied, saying she got “busy” and suggested we drive to her house (1.5 hrs away) that afternoon. With a baby in tow and it being late, we opted to stay local. We then planned to stay at her house for our last night.
When we arrived the next day, her kids mostly kept to themselves. Her oldest (15) stayed in her room almost all day. I was really frustrated at this point—there had been little to no effort from her or her kids to actually spend time together. At dinner, her oldest said she wasn’t hungry and stayed in her room. Here’s where I may be the AH: I asked my sister if she thought it was appropriate that her daughter was staying in her room. I was calm but clearly annoyed and frustrated.
She exploded, screaming at me to “stop f***ing analyzing her family.” I quietly told my husband and kids to get up—we were leaving. She kept yelling about how I had a “perfect life,” and I brought up how it felt like they had avoided us this whole trip. She responded by screaming about how I wanted to “stay in the ghetto” (which the Airbnb wasn’t—we all agreed it was nice).
We both yelled at this point. My niece was upset, and I cooled down before going to apologize to her. I went to her room and tell her I was sorry. My sister yells at me to “get your fing hand off my daughter before I beat the f out of you.” I hadn’t even touched her daughter, which I said. I responded with some choice words and we left.
So, Reddit—AITA for the comment about her daughter and for leaving?
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I (35f) recently went on vacation with my husband (36m) and our four kids to visit my sister (39f), who lives across the country. Our kids had never met, so we planned to stay in an Airbnb 1.5 hours from her home, closer to attractions. She offered her house, but I chose the Airbnb for convenience and she agreed, saying she was down for whatever.
When we arrived (around 10 p.m.), she still hadn’t shown up. Her kids later said she had been screaming at them outside for an hour. Eventually, they came in, we visited briefly, then went to bed.
The next morning, we had plans to go to an amusement park. She left at 5:30 a.m. to “let the dog out” and didn’t return until 11, long after out plans to leave. I was annoyed—she knew we were flying out to see them and didn’t arrange a dog sitter? At the park, she disappeared again for three hours to take her daughter to the mall. I was hurt.
The next morning, she packed all her things, even though we were supposed to stay another night at the Airbnb. She said she was just “going home to let the dog out” and would text plans later. She never did, I texted and hours passed before she replied, saying she got “busy” and suggested we drive to her house (1.5 hrs away) that afternoon. With a baby in tow and it being late, we opted to stay local. We then planned to stay at her house for our last night.
When we arrived the next day, her kids mostly kept to themselves. Her oldest (15) stayed in her room almost all day. I was really frustrated at this point—there had been little to no effort from her or her kids to actually spend time together. At dinner, her oldest said she wasn’t hungry and stayed in her room. Here’s where I may be the AH: I asked my sister if she thought it was appropriate that her daughter was staying in her room. I was calm but clearly annoyed and frustrated.
She exploded, screaming at me to “stop f***ing analyzing her family.” I quietly told my husband and kids to get up—we were leaving. She kept yelling about how I had a “perfect life,” and I brought up how it felt like they had avoided us this whole trip. She responded by screaming about how I wanted to “stay in the ghetto” (which the Airbnb wasn’t—we all agreed it was nice).
We both yelled at this point. My niece was upset, and I cooled down before going to apologize to her. I went to her room and tell her I was sorry. My sister yells at me to “get your fing hand off my daughter before I beat the f out of you.” I hadn’t even touched her daughter, which I said. I responded with some choice words and we left.
So, Reddit—AITA for the comment about her daughter and for leaving?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action to be judged would be me asking whether it was appropriate that her child was staying in her room and for me subsequently leaving early? I could see how this would make me the AH because I questioned her and left abruptly.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
It sounds like her family is rather dysfunctional due to drugs or alcohol. That would explain the outburst, kids’ isolation, and her kinda disappearing. This might be something to look into.p
Sounds sister has a problem, probably addiction. Disappearing for hours, screaming at her kids and you. Still not an excuse for appalling behaviour. NTA
I think you did OK, considering there is obviously something going on with your sister that is way bigger than your visit. Considering the length of her escapes, I immediately thought of drug abuse.
It is good you apologized to her teenage daughter. Your niece will remember you did that.
I would go home, count my lucky stars that I don’t have my sister’s life, and wait for her to contact me.
Might be never, could be at Christmas when larger family expectations are at play. I guess you could call/email/text/whatever her, but I expect your sister won’t respond. Since she didn’t tell you in the moment what the problem was, I don’t think she will now.
Get on with your life, stay open to your sister’s kids someday wanting to contact you, and leave your sister alone. Whatever this is, it isn’t yours to fix.
NTA- but not necessarily enough info:
It sounds like a lot of miscommunication. Traveling is stressful. Traveling with children is extra stressful. It doesn’t seem like your sister wanted to go to the amusement park, and it’s unclear of the ages and number of children involved. You mention her oldest is 15 and you have a baby. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the 15 year old wanting to stay in their room and not hang out with a baby/ much younger children. Was she stuck with a lot of younger kids at the amusement park as well? Did your sister treat her to a mall trip for helping watch the younger ones for hours? Why couldn’t you meet your sister somewhere in between the first night for dinner instead of expecting her to get a pet sitter and come to you?
15 year olds live in their bedrooms. But your sister…issues there
It sounds like there is more to this story. How old are your kids? That is relevant. How did you get along with her prior to this? Is your sister ND?
Well, this all sucked. I’m sorry your attempt went down like that. I’m guessing that there’s a reason your kids haven’t met before- has your sister always been so reactive?
It may be that your hopes for creating a cousin’s type relationship was too much too soon- or too little too late.
If you want to stay in contact I would consider lower key starting points- maybe just you visit alone one time? Or just a phone relationship ?But based on this visit I might let this relationship fade back to low contact if she can’t maintain even a phone relationship.
But in general, kids over 12 are very hit and miss with relatives they don’t see often or kids of very different ages. Some can hang and some don’t have the social skills. A 15 year old staying in her room all day or dipping out on a family outing to an amusement park is absolutely on brand for the age group.
The sister and her kids sound extremely troubled. Thank your lucky stars yours isn’t. Your sister is obviously very jealous of your family and life. Her kids sound entitled. She took the 15 year old to the mall in the middle of a day at the amusement park? Who does that?? Bizarre. I would never visit them again. Maybe just see them at Thanksgiving if they come to your house or a gathering at another relative’s house. But being half way across the country, I doubt that will happen anytime soon.
NTA. But your sister is having some big issues.
ESH. You didn’t go to visit your sister, you went to visit an amusement park and invited (requested? demanded?) your sister to come along. You got mad at her for not making the 1.5 hour drive in a timely fashion on your first night, but then you also opted to “stay local” because somehow that afternoon she invited you it was “late” to make that same drive. So it probably didn’t seem to her like you were prioritizing going to see her, either. Your sister clearly has some anger issues and resentment, so she also sucks, and not getting a dog sitter was a choice, but she had already spent 6 hours in a car with kids for your “visit” and you’re all, “there’s been little to no effort.” And then you try to shame her teenager for being a teenager and then get in a screaming match with your sister. Oof.