for background, my partner is ex-christian. his parents are very much still fundamentalist christians. i’m an atheist.
i’m 20F, he’s 23M. i recently brought up that it’s an issue that i don’t go to his house very often. his family don’t know me very well at all. so we planned for me to come to his this sunday to watch the f1 and his parents said yes as long as i sort out my own lunch and dinner. i said fine, no problem.
here’s where the issues lie. his TV is upstairs. we have to watch the race downstairs, because they seem to have a belief that i’d do something with my partner WITH HIS BROTHER IN THE ROOM. i take massive offence to this, because i wouldn’t dare to do anything along these lines in their house. and it feels incredibly unfair that they’d imply that i would do this with someone else watching, because what does that say about me?
the second issue comes from me not even being allowed to be in the house without them there. so i’m annoyed that i now have to re-plan my entire morning, taking into account sunday bus times, because of this. the time i was going to arrive at his would coincide with the rest of his family being at church so it would be just me and him in the house. again, my only plans are to order my lunch, eat it and possibly help him bring what he needs for the tv downstairs.
now, i feel they’re being unnecessarily difficult about this. i respect them, but i don’t feel that they respect me. i could absolutely understand these rules being in place if i had done something wrong, but i’ve never given them reason to be this way about it. i’m not asking them to stop being christians or anything like this. i just ask for a little bit of trust. all of this stuff together is making me wonder if it’s worth struggling against sunday bus timetables and having to travel 20 miles with 3 bus changes for this, and i’m considering just cancelling.
i’m very flexible with them. i’m happy to leave the door open, i’m happy to not even sit on the bed. i’m just not happy at being treated like all i’m coming for is sex.
AITA?
EDIT: this isn’t the first time i’m seeing them. i’ve been to his house a few times, i went to his birthday dinner with them as well. i’ve even been to their church before, more than once.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
for background, my partner is ex-christian. his parents are very much still fundamentalist christians. i’m an atheist.
i’m 20F, he’s 23M. i recently brought up that it’s an issue that i don’t go to his house very often. his family don’t know me very well at all. so we planned for me to come to his this sunday to watch the f1 and his parents said yes as long as i sort out my own lunch and dinner. i said fine, no problem.
here’s where the issues lie. his TV is upstairs. we have to watch the race downstairs, because they seem to have a belief that i’d do something with my partner WITH HIS BROTHER IN THE ROOM. i take massive offence to this, because i wouldn’t dare to do anything along these lines in their house. and it feels incredibly unfair that they’d imply that i would do this with someone else watching, because what does that say about me?
the second issue comes from me not even being allowed to be in the house without them there. so i’m annoyed that i now have to re-plan my entire morning, taking into account sunday bus times, because of this. the time i was going to arrive at his would coincide with the rest of his family being at church so it would be just me and him in the house. again, my only plans are to order my lunch, eat it and possibly help him bring what he needs for the tv downstairs.
now, i feel they’re being unnecessarily difficult about this. i respect them, but i don’t feel that they respect me. i could absolutely understand these rules being in place if i had done something wrong, but i’ve never given them reason to be this way about it. i’m not asking them to stop being christians or anything like this. i just ask for a little bit of trust. all of this stuff together is making me wonder if it’s worth struggling against sunday bus timetables and having to travel 20 miles with 3 bus changes for this, and i’m considering just cancelling.
i’m very flexible with them. i’m happy to leave the door open, i’m happy to not even sit on the bed. i’m just not happy at being treated like all i’m coming for is sex.
AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i think i could be the asshole here because while it would be a pain to reschedule my whole day, it’s not impossible. i also think i could be being disrespectful to their beliefs by wanting things to be different.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I mean, it’s their house and you and your boyfriend are both adults. You can find somewhere else to be. You’re the one who brought up having an issue about not going to his place enough. They have rules – follow them or don’t go over there.
NAH
They can make whatever rules they want for their home. It may have more to do with their beliefs and their son and nothing to do with you.
You certainly don’t have to attend if the rules will cause you hardship. I wouldn’t. Watch the F1 with your bf somewhere else?
NTA – Just tell your Bf “hey I thought about and it and it’s not something I want to do given the expectations.” It’s their house and their rules. Find other places to hang out with him.
Why do you have to sort your own lunch and dinner?
NTA.
My parents are very religious. As a result, we aren’t as close as we could be. And they’ve missed some big events because of their religion.
I purposely just drop the rope … and recommend you do the same.
Sounds like this experience is no longer going to be fun, so just don’t go. If his parents miss out on getting to know you, and you guys are together long-term, then slowly their son will spend less and less time with them as you guys age. They lose the relationship. That’s not on you.
Basically, they have house rules. I don’t agree with them for adults, but you can’t change them. Someday they’ll learn their rigidity cost them something. They likely won’t care. So if you don’t want to deal with the rules, then just don’t go.
NTA – he hasn’t separated himself from his parents to establish himself as an adult in their eyes. They think that given the slightest chance, he would react like a child and do something naughty.
Unfortunately, if he’s dependent on them for his room and board or his education, he really must follow the rules of his parent’s house.
Why do you think it’s a problem that you don’t go to his house? It’s obvious that they don’t trust you, and font want to get to know you. You not going to their house is the natural consequence of their heavy-handed rules.
NTA, but also, you don’t have to go to their house if the rules don’t work for you.
But also? You’re being given a window into life with your boyfriend, because his family’s not gonna disappear. Consider just how much of your life you want to spend working around fundamentalist nonsense.
You brought up the issue that YOU dont go yo his parents house often?
Then you bulked at the rules?
Yta.
ESH
I can’t imagine having a guest in the house and telling them that they are responsible for their own meals. If the owners of the house are not including you in the meals, then “partner” should be providing them.
If the point of visiting is to get to know the family better, then there is no reason to watch the race in a bedroom. OP and “partner” both live with their parents and want to be seen as adults, but sound very much like children.
OP may be dating this person, but they are definitely not partners in any sense of the word. That requires a level of support that is missing from this relationship.
I mean, you’ve said they don’t know you because they haven’t spent time with you, which is the point of you going over.
So for me, it’s actually really weird that you intended to watch the race in your bf’s room in the first place, if the idea is to get to know your partner’s family.
2nd, Its pretty common for parents to have rules against partners in private spaces. They probably aren’t thinking of you specifically, it’s just what they believe, unmarried people don’t need to be in bedrooms.
The meals thing is pretty rude and inhospitable though.
Overall, I think you’re overreacting and should try to let it go so you can make a good impression on his family.
It’s their house so their rules. You and your boyfriend are adults. Go somewhere else to watch the race. So either follow their rules or don’t go.
NTA. They are being ridiculous. They won’t even feed you. Cancel it and make it clear you will not visit until they are ready to be respectful.
NTA.
But don’t marry this guy. Imagine being disrespected for the rest of your life.
Unless once you’re married everything would magically be pure in their eyes
NTA.
They’re gatekeeping, so just lock that gate for them.
NAH. Saw you comment about autistic and having food preferences – this would be about the only good reason I would accept for the food thing. It actually sounds like consideration for you and ensuring you can eat with this so that’s not the worst response ever.
It’s worth considering if you want to go and to also discuss this with your BF openly. It’s their house and you are a visitor so none of it is actually unreasonable…but I can see why it’s annoyed you. If you’re annoyed, I recommend arranging a visit another time rather than this one as you don’t want that frustration to bleed through.
NTA.You’re making an effort. You’ve accommodated their requests (bringing your own food, adjusting plans), yet they’re still imposing rigid rules that imply distrust.
ESH. I’m so confused, you want to get to know his family better by going to his house, eating meals on your own and holing up in his room to watch tv with maybe his brother there? It sounds like none of you are going to talk to each other, and his parents won’t even see you. What on earth is the point of this and why are you so angry about this very silly thing.
NTA
It’s Silverstone F1 .. you need to be where you are free to make noise and jump up and celebrate this amazing Day ..
Ditch the BF and Go find your F1 tribe .. 🏎️
NTA
But also remember that this is THEIR house and your BF still lives there. If you two decide to live together, then you can have your own rules
INFO.
Your post doesn’t make sense.
In your first paragraph you said “i recently brought up that it’s an issue that i don’t go to his house very often. his family don’t know me very well at all“.
This suggests that the main purpose of visiting his house is to get to know his family better.
What’s more, YOU are the one who brought up this issue. It’s not something that anyone else is trying to talk you into.
OK, then. You want to go to his house and spend time with his family so that they can get to know you better. So far, so good.
But in the next breath you say: “his TV is upstairs. we have to watch the race downstairs, because they seem to have a belief that i’d do something with my partner WITH HIS BROTHER IN THE ROOM”
Hang on a minute. Why is it so terrible to be watching the race downstairs with his family, given that the main point of the visit is for the family to get to know you better?
Furthermore, you said: “the time i was going to arrive at his would coincide with the rest of his family being at church so it would be just me and him in the house. again, my only plans are to order my lunch, eat it and possibly help him bring what he needs for the tv downstairs.“
Again, this contradicts your first paragraph. How are you going to get to know his family if they’re at church for a substantial portion of your visit?
In summary, it would seem that YOUR preference for that day – IF you were allowed – would be to arrive while his parents are at church, and then later on to spend the afternoon in your partner’s room watching the race with him.
In other words, you seem to be angling to spend as little time as possible in the company of his parents. What you really want is some private time, preferably with him alone, but you’ll put up with his brother if you have to.
How do you reconcile that with wanting his family to know you better?
For that matter, why are you even wanting to go to his house at all? Is there nowhere else you can spend time together in private, such as your house? Or are you unable to do that because YOUR parents are in your house?
NTA. Just tell your BF that while you want to connect, it doesn’t feel like they want you in their him on Sunday. Perhaps another time when they will be available to chaperone all day
Let’s see here:
>i recently brought up that it’s an issue that i don’t go to his house very often.
>all of this stuff together is making me wonder if it’s worth struggling against sunday bus timetables and having to travel 20 miles with 3 bus changes for this…
This could be a factor.
>his family don’t know me very well at all.
Okay.
>they seem to have a belief that i’d do something with my partner WITH HIS BROTHER IN THE ROOM. i take massive offence to this, because i wouldn’t dare to do anything along these lines in their house. and it feels incredibly unfair that they’d imply that i would do this with someone else watching, because what does that say about me?
They don’t know you very well.
Maybe they’re a little old-fashioned, but having a chaperone of sorts isn’t unheard of.
>the second issue comes from me not even being allowed to be in the house without them there.
They don’t know you very well.
They don’t want someone THEY DON’T KNOW in their house when they’re not home.
Not crazy.
>now, i feel they’re being unnecessarily difficult about this. i respect them, but i don’t feel that they respect me.
>i just ask for a little bit of trust.
Following their rules is how you build trust.
And not complaining about not being allowed in their home when they’re not there.
>i’m very flexible with them. i’m happy to leave the door open, i’m happy to not even sit on the bed. i’m just not happy at being treated like all i’m coming for is sex.
Why are you going that far out of your way to seclude yourself with your bf (and his brother)?
How does this help the parents get to know you?
YTA
I can’t get past that you can come visit but you have to fend for yourself when it comes to you eating. They are treating the two of you like your 12 year old. Just keep in mind that the most religious are the most judgemental. It’s likely that you will never be accepted or treated as an adult.
NAH
If it makes you feel disrespected then you don’t have to go there. I can tell you it’s not personal, the rules would apply to anyone either of their sons date. I grew up with similar rules and at the time I thought my parents were being strict but when I became a parent of teenagers I understood why my parents had those rules. Perhaps you should look at it from their perspective. They have strong beliefs just like you have strong beliefs. Respect their rules in their home and find some common ground to form a bond.
NTA, and i’d only go over there if it was for plans involving his parents personally. you’re using your entire sunday to GET to them and they can’t even get you lunch or be understanding about 2 grown adults in the house alone for 5 minutes?
It doesn’t sound like you respect them. It’s their house and they don’t want you in it without them.
You can change your plans for any reason but the expectation that everything you want is reasonable, is what makes you the asshole here
NTA this is your partner’s problem too. If you’re not comfortable going to his house then other arrangements need to be made. What does he think of this? Because this could be a window into your future with him. Is he gonna have your back or fold to his parents demands?
If they’re fundamentalist Christians, those rules are in place for a very good reason. The fact is, heavy duty Christian people think that young people should not be alone together near a bed until they are married. My mom was sort of like that and she wasn’t even fundamental Christian. The funny thing is, if you wanted to do something you could always find a place such as the backseat of the car! 😄 But this behavior isn’t aimed particularly at you but would be aimed at any female coming into a house where there are young males. It’s the same about the bedroom. My mom made it very clear that we were never to entertain boys in our bedroom. It’s all based on morals and religion and has nothing to do with the individual in question. If you don’t like the rules don’t go.
I agree with others on here that the food issue seems concerning except for the fact that you say you’re a picky eater. One solution would be to bring a dish for the entire family that you could eat. Or, as you said, you can just sort it for yourself. It’s not very hospitable on their part but if it’s because they can’t afford it, then you can be understanding.
I will say, if they are fundamentalist Christian, they could be very wary of your autism. Some fundamentalists would believe that if you have some sort of mental disability, It’s because God made it that way on purpose. They could see you as “less than”. If that’s true, then you might want to be very careful about getting into any kind of a more permanent relationship than you are.
It’s just their belief. As long as you’re not married they will be like that. Just except it and go for only a couple hours between lunch & dinner so you don’t have to worry about food and stay downstairs and leave before dinner.
Maybe don’t visit. Instead have your bf plan a meal at a restaurant so you are not on their turf and subject to their rules. They sound insufferable.
YTA – you don’t even want to meet his parents and spend time with them, you just want to hang out in your boyfriend’s room
They don’t want someone THEY DONT KNOW in their house when they’re not home. That’s normal. That’s not crazy, and that’s not because they’re christians
They don’t want you in his room, which is probably because of their religion, but I also wouldn’t want someone to tell me they want to meet me and then the entire time hiding from me
You’d have to figure out the bus schedule either way. You were willing to do that before, but now that they have logical household boundaries, you don’t want to? Do you actually want to meet them at all?
They aren’t demanding you come to church with them. They aren’t regulating what kind of clothing or modesty they require in their home. They aren’t making you eat food you don’t like (OP has mentioned being autistic and having food sensory issues), they aren’t saying you can’t sit on the couch next to him, they aren’t saying anything unreasonable or overbearing. Nothing about what they’re instituting is a vie for control. It’s just normal household stuff.
NTA. I think you should cancel- there are just too many prime opportunities for this visit to crash and burn. Reschedule at a restaurant for a Saturday.
There’s a lot to be offended by in all of this, but the part that’s bothering me most is the part about you sorting out your own meals. Maybe you have some unusual dietary needs and this requirement of theirs is actually a poorly handked concession, but — otherwise — this is such a clear statement not just about their religio/moral qualms, but about their complete inhospitality towards you. And, I guess, you invited yourself, so they are under no obligation to be hospitable. You want to get to know them, and they don’t want to welcome you or get to know you. They are telling you what to expect, so I suppose read the room abd don’t have any expectations other than the ones they are setting. But, probably don’t go.
ESH
I’m an atheist but this is their house, their rules. Do they seem extreme, especially when you’re both over 18? Yes. But it’s still their house.
Don’t go if you don’t want to, it does sound like a hassle with the busses.
You’re mad that you have to follow house rules at somebody’s house?? If you want to hang out with your boyfriend the way you want, invite him to your place.
You’re mad that you don’t see his family much but then complain about his family…. Watching TV isn’t a way to get to know people anyway. The fact that they said you have to fend for yourself for lunch and dinner tells me they don’t really want you over there in the first place. YTA for your attitude about the whole thing