I (41F) have been dating this guy (42M) for around 9 months and I’d say our relationship is pretty serious. In the beginning of us dating he seemed to have no problem leaving his dog at home for a couple hours to hang out with me. Sometimes he’d bring her along, but it definitely wasn’t a constant. Something seemed to change a few months in to our relationship. He started to seem more and more hesitant to leave his dog (for simplicity we’ll call her Tina) at home.
Now, I’ve been very open and loving to his dog throughout the relationship, as I also have two cats that I love and wanted him to be involved with. He’s always made side comments about how I don’t love Tina as much as my cats, but I brushed them off as jokes.
This week he invited me to go with him to a 4th of July cookout that his family was hosting, and I was pretty nervous but also excited. I got up the morning of the cookout, did my hair and makeup, put on a cute outfit, only for him to not answer any of my calls or texts. He hadn’t previously told me what time the cookout was so I had no idea if we were still on for our plans. He had also agreed to attend my own family’s cookout with me after we left from his.
At this point I get a text from him telling me that he doesn’t want to go to his family’s cookout because he can’t bring Tina, as they do not allow the dog inside the house. I thought this was weird since he’d just confirmed the plans yesterday and this is something he would’ve already known. Tina is never allowed inside his family’s house. Then he tells me that if I want him to come to my family’s cookout then he will have to leave Tina on a leash outside. I told him I wouldn’t have a problem with that but that Tina would 100% be miserable because of the fireworks that get set off in this neighborhood and I was worried about her well-being.
He then told me I was being unreasonable and that he knows I do not care about Tina. Never have I once done anything that indicates me not caring about Tina. I’ve bought Tina treats, new collars, she comes to work with me sometimes, she rides in my car. I don’t even know where he’s gotten this idea that I hate her or that I don’t want her around. I spend time with Tina every single day.
I told him that honestly I didn’t know how our relationship was ever going to work out if he was unwilling to leave Tina at home for even a couple hours at a time. Are we never supposed to go out on a date to see a movie? Or go to dinner? Or do anything that prevents Tina from coming? He said that he was shocked and that me saying all of this “changed things for him”. Then he went into a self deprecating paragraph about how he’s tried to be good enough for me but he guessed he never can. Passive aggressively told me to “go have fun” with my family.
I dropped some of his laundry I had washed for him off at his house and all I said was “you’re welcome” before getting in my car and driving away. Neither of us have reached out since.
I still don’t understand what even happened. What changed? He’s open about having some mental health struggles and I know having Tina around helped him through a lot of that. I very much understand how important pets are to people. My cats are my best friends too, but they don’t come everywhere with me, they can’t. I don’t know what to do.
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That poor dog, let’s just hope this is weird obsessive friendship type vibes and nothing worse. Either way, break up with him and find someone normal.
Sounds like he is using Tina as a way to prevent a true connection. You will always love your cats more than his dog – that is illogical.
He has a weird obsession with his dog. We all love our pets but he’s over the top. He should never consider taking her to someone else’s house either. It’s really disrespectful.
It’s beyond your pay grade to fix your boyfriend’s psychological problems. The best you can do is encourage him to start seeing a therapist and if he won’t, it would be best for your own mental health to breakup with him and move on with your life.
Either he loves his dog more than he loves you, or he is using Tina as a service dog or emotional support dog with his mental health issues and is untilling to admit it. I’d recommend you ask him to get into therapy and tell you the truth about how Tina helps him, or you leave.
This sounds like a problem you can easily avoid. Say you were going on a honeymoon the 3 of you in the marital bed. And what of vacations you can’t take, and how many parties and you can’t bring +2. Move on!!!!!
It sounds like he’s using her as an excuse to end the relationship.
As others have said, sounds like he has an unhealthy obsession with his dog but also quite severe anxiety about its wellbeing. Not fair on you at all of course.
I can understand to a certain extent. When I’ve had pets in the past I’ve been concerned for their welfare when I’m not around, as I have quite bad anxiety myself. I’d never react the way he’s reacted here though.
Unlike others have said, if he reaches back out with a sincere apology or wants to reconnect, I would give him another chance. If not then move on.
Leave that guy he have screws loose! No dog should be near fireworks
He sounds like he has some sort of disorder going on.
He’s older and still dating so that’s a sign he has had a lot of healing and growing to do to get here. It sounds like you guys got too close and he’s thinking about his childhood more. We learn how to love from our family.
His family clearly doesn’t like dogs or Tina. It may be part of why your bf got a dog, as a kind of rebellion. It sounds like he’s taking out childhood stuff with you. Which is nice because it means he’s comfortable being vulnerable with you. He just doesn’t know how to communicate what he’s going through yet.
It’s up to you if you want to ride this period of growth out with him or not.
So was this supposed to be the first time you met his family?
What changed? I’m going to guess that he got anxiety about going to two gatherings and having a busy schedule and didn’t want to go so used Tina as an excuse.
Why do I think that? Because I have two dogs that go just about everywhere with me. And when they aren’t allowed in someone’s home (totally okay!), I make other arrangements.
Like I can take two sets of keys, leave dogs in the car in the AC, and lock the car. I can take them out for potty breaks and check on them. They nap.
Or like this weekend, we are visiting a friend. One of our dogs is a puppy and we just don’t trust him in their house overnight. So we brought a tent and we sleep out there with the dogs. The rest of our activities are outdoors so no problem.
Or I make arrangements for a dog walker to come if we need to be gone more than 5-6 hours. Or to board if we need to be gone days.
There are so many solutions.
He didn’t want to go to those activities. And then he didn’t want to admit it or say it to you so he tried to turn it all around like everyone else made it impossible for him.
And boy is he selfish and irresponsible to plan to tie the dog out at your family party. So many dogs take off due to the fireworks. Plus it’s just mean to be leaving a dog out while everyone is inside. They’re better off safe at home.
I can see him wanting to be around his dog during fireworks, my dog was visibly shaking in fear last night due to them so I skipped out on firework festivities to take care of him BUT I was still at multiple pool parties during the day hanging out with people without him. I do on occasion use my dog as an excuse to get out of things or leave. “Gotta go check on my dog” He should be able to live life without his dog constantly by his side.
If you’re looking for internet approval to break up with him, you’ve got it.
Sounds like he’s using the dog as an excuse.
Who knows. It definitely seems like a red flag. Not that he is bad for feeling the way he does, but this seems like a line in the sand for both of you. I would definitely ask the next guy about his relationship with his dog! The dog probably can live without him for a few hours. He just can’t live without her for a few hours.
Sounds like Tina is his support doggie and crutches while around anyone even his gf so you will always come in second. Time to unload your bf as this will be an ongoing problem going forward.
Let him date Tina and forget him. Find a man who wants to date a woman.
Poor Tina.
I think Tina is his emotional support animal. It sounds like he needs her all the time right now. I don’t think this relationship is going to work out.
i will say that not wanting to leave your dog who is terrified of fire works home alone on the 4th of july is different than not wanting to leave your dog home alone ever. i can’t imagine leaving my dog home alone to deal with that by themselves. but on any other day, yes this is a problem. to me it sounds like your partner is struggling with anxiety/depression and uses his dog as a crutch. up to you if you want to work through that with him
Your boyfriend is not in working order right now. He needs repairs before he can be in a relationship.
Everything you describe indicates deteriorating mental and emotional health, reflected in his interactions with you. He’s projecting, deflecting, criticizing, and manipulating (maybe unconsciously, benefit of the doubt to him) by using tactics like guilt and passive aggressiveness. You will drown in exhaustion trying to duck, dodge, prop up and “fix” things. For both your sakes, I encourage you to step back instead. Keep yourself healthy and not on fire.
It is up to him to get whatever support he needs to process whatever he’s going through. Support him, advise or encourage him if you want to and feel up to it, but you can do those things as a friend without being in a relationship. For now, at least.
It’s not about the Iranian yoghurt…dog.
I think you have to let this relationship go. He acted reasonable until he thought you were invested enough to tolerate unreasonable behavior. No need to solve this mystery, just accept that it’s over.
This is a bit weird, feel like there are details missing. Does your bf work 60 hours a week so Tina is alone and wanting to bring her along on weekends and holidays is guilt related? Like no one wants to leave their dog for the day on a Saturday when they’ve left them all week, the weekends or days off kind of become your day with the dog. They’re probably really bonded, and if he was single for a long period of time before you, and he suffers from anxiety or depression, this is also a whole other dynamic. I was single through my entire twenties with a 100 pound fur baby he was my whole world after work and on weekends, the love and loyalty of a dog is unmatched and he had. Whole vibe that naturally calmed my otherwise nervous wreck energy down. Also, you can’t really leave dogs in the same way you can cats. I have definitely skipped out on invites and family celebrations bc I couldn’t leave my dog for 9 hours. The dog is not the problem, the communication between the two of you is
I’d just tell him he put up a wall with the dog and may be using that as a crutch before he feels something real. Let him know he has a decision to make before you make it and move on.
I can’t get past the part about doing his laundry and dropping it off for him.
Bullet. Dodged. And it only took 9 months. As a woman in my late 50s who dated while I was in my early 40s, as you are, let me tell you that 9 months is a gift. You really got off easy. Be very, very grateful.
Time passes much more quickly the older you get and dodging this bullet now after only 9 months is really a gift. It really is. I know you might feel some hurt right now, but next week you will realize that being out of this relationship with him and Tina is a gigantic plus.