I don’t like my sisters boyfriend for reasons all stemming from his immaturity. He is quite arrogant, and a lot of his self worth seems to depend on him frequently declaring he is very smart. I don’t think he’s a bad person, just not someone I would be friends with if he was not my sister’s partner. I have never expressed this to my sister, and I don’t plan to, because ultimately her happiness is the most important thing to me, and it’s not my relationship.
My sister and I are very close. She is my main mother figure. She gave me all of the advice I needed when I was younger, and I look up to her.
My sister has been dating her boyfriend for around a year, and they’re very much in the excited new love stage. He makes her very happy, and it’s nice to see, because I’ve seen her struggle with mental health and self esteem issues. The problem is that every time I’m around them, her boyfriend calls her dumb often. It’s always in a joking manner, but there’s some underlying tone of seriousness. An example: my sister misspoke when pointing out a “chipmunk” outside. Her boyfriend loudly declared, “you’re so dumb. That’s a squirrel. You’re so dumb, how didn’t you know that?” She definitely DID know that, but sometimes the wrong word comes out. He even makes these jokes out of context, like randomly saying he loves her despite how very dumb she is.
When these jokes are made, my sister goes along with them, saying things like “yeah, I know I’m dumb”. They don’t outwardly seem to bother her.
I am bothered by these jokes for a few reasons. Firstly, my sister is not dumb at all. She is quite smart, just not in the traditional “good at school” way. Her advice is top tier, her speech is quite eloquent, and she used to write a lot of poetry. Secondly I suspect she may be privately bothered by the joke. Our other family used to call her dumb when she was younger just to get a rise out of her. We dont talk to that family anymore. My sister built herself a fine life motivated by pure spite to prove that she’s not dumb, and has said as much herself. That said, that happened quite some time ago and maybe she is comfortable enough now that it doesnt bother her. Lastly, despite his own frequent declarations, I have never seen her boyfriend do anything to earn his self-given title of “intelligent”. He’s very focused on it, but I’ve found a lot of younger people can be that way coming out of an academic setting (though his last schooling would have been 4 years ago). That’s the most petty reason, but it truly bothers me that he both raises himself up and puts my sister down in the same way.
Here’s where I need advice. I want to tell my sister that it bothers me when her boyfriend calls her dumb, but I don’t want to upset her. I can’t tell if she really doesn’t care about these “jokes”, and if I knew for sure that she was fine I would be content living with that. I don’t want her to feel like she can’t bring her partner around, and I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable coming over, either. Anything that would lead to me seeing my sister less is not an option, and unfortunately they are a package deal at this point.
So… would you bring it up, or leave it alone? If you’d bring it up, what are some reasonable questions I can ask to see how she feels? If you’d leave it alone, is there a line that would have to be crossed for you to say something?
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i’m afraid if they’ll tell tell you not to get involved in their relationship
Why is your 30 yo sister dating a someone with a brain that hasn’t finished developing? Not illegal, but I’m side eyeing tf out of it.
But also, let them be toxic in their own ways, she apparently likes them still playing beer pong at first parties, and he’s content to behave like a Neanderthal.
To be fair, your sister isn’t exactly demonstrating top-tier thinking dating someone his age, character and level of maturity. Was that a typo or something?
So I’m sort of with the rude boyfriend on this one.
I would let it go, it’s not your relationship. Focus on building your own family and relationships.
Keep on being a supportive sister so she feels able to share things with you. Talk about verbal abuse in relationships in a non-direct way to see if it resonates with her.