I’m a teacher-mom. I’m surrounded by children that are the same age as my two children for every waking hour of my day and have been for nearly a decade. I work 8-10 hour days in a stressful urban school and put myself through a grueling postgrad program that gave me an income boost of 60k. I hustle all school year meeting everyone’s needs but my own. I’m exhausted. My husband has a regular unstressful job. He has never managed summer itineraries before. He walks the dog, goes to work, comes home, and sometimes makes dinner.
This summer is the first summer that I have some freedom from children because my kids start day camp this week and I’m not working. Before this summer I was the one who did the popsicle play dates, swim lessons, library events, pool and beach trips, playground blah blah or worked summer camps because teachers get paid shit.
I also just got back from the first trip I have taken since becoming a parent almost ten years ago- 4 days with some friends. I have never left my kids before.
The kids are bouncing off the walls so I said, hey they need to get out of the house or they are going to fight and drive us crazy. Take them to the pool. He made such a stupid stink face and goes Really? I just did that this week, I don’t want to take them. Implying why can’t I take a turn.
Years past I would sigh and do it myself, fight with them over sunscreen, pack the stupid bag, and just go. But this last year where I contributed more to my family and everyone else has been a wake-up call to how I do everything. So I said Hey, I’ve been taking them to the pool since Oldest was 2. I’m not doing it today. I’m going to the grocery store and the gym.
He was so annoyed but didn’t say anything. Sighed, got his suit on, while I got the kids ready to go. But he had such a tired shitty attitude like because he had to do solo parenting for 4 days (two of which were spent at the pool), it was my turn.
I know he’s tired. I know, truly, how fucking exhausting kids are and how long and lonely the days can be when you are doing it solo. But I’m not volunteering as tribute as the only parent anymore. I’m not squeezing my ass into to a bathing suit (which by the way I’m the heaviest I’ve even been because the work-life balance has fucking wrecked my healthy habits) to make small talk with other moms about their kids. I could tap in and take over because he’s clearly not loving this. But I don’t want to and today I chose me. I am not taking these kids swimming. Does this make me the asshole?
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I’m a teacher-mom. I’m surrounded by children that are the same age as my two children for every waking hour of my day and have been for nearly a decade. I work 8-10 hour days in a stressful urban school and put myself through a grueling postgrad program that gave me an income boost of 60k. I hustle all school year meeting everyone’s needs but my own. I’m exhausted. My husband has a regular unstressful job. He has never managed summer itineraries before. He walks the dog, goes to work, comes home, and sometimes makes dinner.
This summer is the first summer that I have some freedom from children because my kids start day camp this week and I’m not working. Before this summer I was the one who did the popsicle play dates, swim lessons, library events, pool and beach trips, playground blah blah or worked summer camps because teachers get paid shit.
I also just got back from the first trip I have taken since becoming a parent almost ten years ago- 4 days with some friends. I have never left my kids before.
The kids are bouncing off the walls so I said, hey they need to get out of the house or they are going to fight and drive us crazy. Take them to the pool. He made such a stupid stink face and goes Really? I just did that this week, I don’t want to take them. Implying why can’t I take a turn.
Years past I would sigh and do it myself, fight with them over sunscreen, pack the stupid bag, and just go. But this last year where I contributed more to my family and everyone else has been a wake-up call to how I do everything. So I said Hey, I’ve been taking them to the pool since Oldest was 2. I’m not doing it today. I’m going to the grocery store and the gym.
He was so annoyed but didn’t say anything. Sighed, got his suit on, while I got the kids ready to go. But he had such a tired shitty attitude like because he had to do solo parenting for 4 days (two of which were spent at the pool), it was my turn.
I know he’s tired. I know, truly, how fucking exhausting kids are and how long and lonely the days can be when you are doing it solo. But I’m not volunteering as tribute as the only parent anymore. I’m not squeezing my ass into to a bathing suit (which by the way I’m the heaviest I’ve even been because the work-life balance has fucking wrecked my healthy habits) to make small talk with other moms about their kids. I could tap in and take over because he’s clearly not loving this. But I don’t want to and today I chose me. I am not taking these kids swimming. Does this make me the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made my husband take the kids to the pool solo after being away for 4 days, when he was tired and didn’t want to.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You two need to discuss balance going forward. Nobody benefits if you wind up divorced because you’re both burned out and bitter. If this isn’t that deep it won’t be that bad of a talk-you should both have a solo day once a week or every other week to look forward to.
Oh, NTA, hon. You are the wind beneath my wings!
YTA.
Not for the past years, in which case your husband is the AH, but for your timing on this one.
Coming from a fellow working mom, I KNOW the expectations are unrealistic for us. I KNOW how easy it is to fall into traditional gender roles and just assume responsibility for all things child related. And I know how angry we can become when Dad looks at us like, uhhh what do I do? Who’s their doctor again? Where are the swimsuits and towels and sunscreen?
However, choosing the day after you had just gone on a 4 day vacation to make your point was unwise. You know firsthand how tired he is, and instead of using the opportunity to communicate and re-allocate responsibility in future (which tbh, should have been a conversation years ago) and say, “hey, I get it. Let’s make sure we are giving each other breaks,” you chose to dig in.
You are not the asshole for demanding and wanting more support. You are the asshole for not communicating in an effective manner and choosing the moment your husband was most likely to be resentful.
Dads need to step up, there is no question there. But don’t hang him over a pool day when this is about way more than a pool day. Have the conversation you need to have about parenting EVERY DAY, with mediation and couples therapist if you think he would be open. Address the whole situation, and get the parenting partner you need.
NTA. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Put on your own oxygen mask first, etc.
But also took me aback that you got a salary boost of 60k but still claim “teachers make shit” 🫠🫠🫠 your “boost” is significantly higher than my base salary as a law clerk. 😅😅😅 😭😭😭
NTA
Title needs to be reworded: AITA for balancing out summer kid duties with my husband who has done very little to date?
INFO: I notice that your version of “putting yourself first” in this story still involves 1) helping him get the kids ready to go to the pool, and 2) going to the grocery store.
So, genuine question: if you had volunteered to take the kids to the pool… would he have taken on your role? Would he have helped get the kids ready? Would he have gone to the grocery store? And would he have done those tasks without you asking and without additional support from you (i.e. would he have needed you to do a bunch of planning/list-making for him to go to the store).
If yes, then the two of you maybe need to have a conversation about why the pool felt like the fraught task for you (i.e. how you feel in your suit, etc.) This would be a minor miscommunication, NAH.
If no, then NTA, and you have a larger problem of him taking your labour totally for granted (which it sounds like you’ve recently become more aware of yourself).
NAH
Take them to the pool if you want, the same for him. If neither wants tot take them, they can’t go.
” But I don’t want to and today I chose me. I am not taking these kids swimming.” .. not a problem as long as you respect that he might make the same choice.
Nta.
Go you!
YTA for deciding how he had to spend his day. Would you appreciate it if he told you that you needed to take them somewhere that you hadn’t planned to? You also belittle his job….. like teaching is the only stressful job out there? And you just got back from a fun adults only trip. Jeez. It’s fine if you decide to go to the gym and the grocery store but you don’t get to dictate what your husband does with the kids.
ESH if this was 1-2 days after your trip. Your husband sucks obviously for not pulling his weight for years but having a fun trip with friends and upon coming back immediately dumping the kids on the exhausted parent who just had them solo for several days, uh. No.
NTA.
Shifting work balance requires reassessment of our roles. You guys need to sit down and work out balancing of your dynamic. Do it soon before your resentment builds to a point of explosion.
Esh, honestly both of you need to communicate much better than this. Yes, he should never have left you to go “everything” but you shouldn’t have put up with it. Now that you are making more $, you are switching the status quo without so much as a conversation, do I think you are right to switch the status quo, absolutely, should have done it years ago.
YTA
I literally had a fight about this a week ago with my husband: don’t ask the kids or me if we want something and then look at me to fix it.
YOU decided it was pool time. YOU fix it. YOU just had 4 days off. HE did not!
And this is coming from a mom who is literally sick at home with a burnout.
NTA
Rather telling that you had to 1) suggest that he entertain the kids 2) suggest the activity and 3) get everything together while he sulked.
so proud of you
Info: why are you invalidating his stress level at work?
ESH, and why is swimming the only thing that they can do to get the energy out? Your husband is being a baby, and you are burned out from your job and the additional schooling that you chose to start. Not sure about your area, but school has been out here for almost 7 weeks. If you are so burned out that taking a month (or more) off doesn’t help, maybe a career change to a “regular old unstressful job” would be the right call.
ESH: have you tried disciplining your children?
they seem to be old enough that you don’t need to entertain them every minute of every day- if they’re bouncing off the walls set some rules of how to act indoors, send them to their rooms and tell them it’s a quiet hour where they play quietly in their rooms
Just from this post it looks like you’re one of those parents who over schedules everything and the children aren’t used to unstructured free time.
YTA. Not a problem to prioritize yourself but he also did just to everything for a while while you took your trip. You need better communication. Maybe just don’t take the kids to the pool today? That seems like a better option. You’re prioritizing yourself but he is prioritizing himself. As others have said it’s fine to change the status quo but you need to recognize that a lot of times when someone is thrown into doing everything the first time (especially if they don’t work with kids as part of their job), the expectation might be getting a break at the end. Being voluntold to do something is never a good experience. If neither of you can do it today just don’t take the kids to the pool. Say “we can go tomorrow”.
Fellow teacher mom here, and definitely NTA. My kids are only toddlers, and I’m definitely feeling pressure from others to make their summers magical and full of activities because now I have all this spare time. The truth of the matter is by the time I got to summer break I am beyond exhausted and need a break of my own. All of these people commenting y t a and chewing you out clearly are not teachers and have no concept of the amount of stress and pressure we have to deal with for the nine months we work. So, since I earned my summer break, I take that break. I send my kids to daycare a few days per week even in the summer so I can do things like shop, clean, work out without cartoons in the background, and just have a few hours of peace and quiet. I also save the days we go swimming for the weekends when I have my husband around to help.
The fact that you’ve done all these activities with the kids every summer for all these years with no help, I totally get why now it’s gotten to this point. It’s time for your husband to step up and start taking turns with you doing these activities. The fact that he wants to make faces and complain means he knows it’s difficult, yet has no problem placing everything on you. It’s time he remembers that parenting is a two person job.
NTA for your feelings, but TA for how you’ve dealt with it.
It sounds like you and your husband lack proper communication on expectations and reality. Both of you deserve time off. I suggest giving each of you one night off a week, where the other parent takes full responsibility for the kids (dinner, bath, bed, etc). And then discuss how you will handle division of parenting from here on out. This isn’t a me vs. him situation. You are BOTH parents, so you BOTH need to be on the same page.
Best of luck.
NTA. It sounds like you’ve been basically solo patenting for years.the only reason you might be a bit of an AH is for accepting that behavior for so long and not doing anything about it. I hope you enjoyed the pool and gym!! Take more of those days yourself xxx
YTA. So you come home from your fun trip, and the first thing you do is order your husband around? Telling him to take them to the pool like he’s your kid who needs to do his chores?
Have you tried talking to him like another adult? Your partner? Or do you appreciate him coming in and telling you what to do?
ESH “regular unstressful job” wtf it’s not competition you can both have stressful jobs. Talk to him about your feelings and get couples counseling. If you still feel underappreciated get a divorce.
ESH.
Your husband needs to step up more. That is clear. But going to the pool wasn’t a necessity.
Also, as someone with a “normal” job with a lot of hours and stress, it sounds like you’re belittling your husband’s career just because he doesn’t work with kids. Sales jobs are generally considered very stressful.