i could really use some perspective because I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.
My partner (late 20M) and I (late 20F) have been together for almost four years. We’ve always seen each other as life partners. We moved across the country to be together, planned our lives around each other, and talked about our future in a very intentional, committed way. There was love, laughter, support, cuddling literally every single night in bed, healthy intimacy, deep care for each other’s growth and wellbeing. We’re not perfect, but we’ve built a lot together.
This week though things started to shift. My partner told me he’s feeling emotionally depleted and like his needs for space aren’t being met. Fair enough. We live in a very small apartment and both WFH. True space is hard to come by. We are also the classic anxious avoidant trap sometimes so I know things can be difficult in that regard. I’ve worked hard to grow through my anxiety with lots of therapy and medication which has helped a lot and have made huge strides but am often left carrying the emotional load of our connection alone. He’s said in the past that he feels heard and supported by me
But now, out of the blue this week, he’s talking about possibly opening the relationship. He says wanting a long-term partner or life partner at all might be a sign of unhealthy attachment and I’m like wtf that’s what we’ve been doing for 4 years. That he resents me saying I feel abandoned during this conversation because “I should be fine on my own” and “we don’t owe each other anything”. That wanting any kind of emotional consistency or connection might be codependent. I’m trying to keep an open mind, but it feels like he’s rewriting everything we built, then telling me I’m wrong for being upset to help his nervous system summer down. It also feels like I’m being villanized for creating a dynamic while he doesn’t take any accountability for the ways he’s contributed or the ways he could improve to do better at communicating his needs.
And yet… we still cuddle at night. We still laugh and hold each other. He still tells me that he loves me. But then now says he might need six months of space?? Like WTF do I do with that. It feels like I’m being held and pushed away at the same time. Like I’m expected to be calm, unbothered, and self-sufficient while he burns down the life we built and if I express pain, I’m proving his point that I’m “too attached.”
I’ve also put in a lot of work. I’ve tried so hard to meet him where he’s at. I’ve supported him through tough times and while he’s currently in grad school. I’ve taken on logistical, financial, and emotional burdens, and genuinely tried to grow in ways that support our relationship.
Also I’m pissed because we literally just talked about signing a new lease at this new house we’d be moving into literally next month 2 days ago and things seemed fine and then he dumped this. Like. The whole point was we’d have more space both literally and psychologically for him and me too tbh.
I still love him. I still want this to work. But I also feel scared, discarded, and confused and am being told I’m wrong for wanting what we agreed upon?
How do you even work through something like this??? Sorry for the confusing jumble thank you for any help or suggestions
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In my opinion, there is someone else he wants to have sex with. Be it by having an open relationship or by taking six months for “space”. All he did and built with you was genuine, until he met whoever else he met and now he wants to explore this connection and potentially choose her over you.
But you know, just in case things don’t work out with the new chick, he still wants you to be available to take him back or stay with him anyway. That’s why he still cuddles with you despite telling you that you should be fine on your own and he doesn’t owe you anything. He wants to be able to leave and/or sleep around without looking like the bad guy, but he wants to have you available to come back to if he wishes to.
So I wouldn’t work through this. It’s clear that he doesn’t respect you anymore; he wants to keep you for his convenience. I’d refuse to be someone’s convenience instead of someone’s choice.
I really don’t think you do work through it.
He can live anyway he chooses, of course! We all can. There has been a shift in him and what he wants, which would feel very unfair to you.
You have to be with a person that wants the same thing you do. If that’s building a life together and monogamous… sounds like he’s not the person for you.
You can’t change someone, even if you feel they were less than honest with you. You can’t change someone only can you and what you do. If you accept this, and you’re miserable, now it won’t be his dishonestly, it will be your own to yourself.
I know I could be wrong, but my guess is he met someone. Maybe not cheated, but just enough of a spark that he knows he may want to date or explore that. It’s a guess, so take that for what it is worth.
Either way, you should not redefine your life in a way that will make you unhappy to hold onto something that is not even really what you’re looking to build and have. I suggest you don’t move into a new place.
Let him go and have his space and you move towards a life and eventually finding a person that wants to be in your space and build a life together.
“We don’t owe each other anything” I disagree. The fact that he said that really put a bad taste in my mouth about this guy. He is entitled to change and go in a different direction, but he at least owes you some compassion and respect if for no other reason that you are a human being, let alone a human being he has built a life with. The fact the he feels this way he may not be in a place to be anyone’s partner.
It sounds like he wants the best of both worlds- to be single & free to do what he wants, when he wants and with who he wants but then also has you as a backup in case he gets lonely or wants sex.
So much of your post talks about what he is saying, what he wants, you working hard to meet him- what about you? Do you want to be in this new relationship with him? Is he asking how to love you? Is he working to meet you?
You have a say in this relationship. If he wants space, if he wants to date or have sex with others- ok- but if that’s not what you want, don’t let yourself be the second choice, his fallback. Find some self respect and let him go. You deserve to be someone’s number one choice.
Don’t hang on to someone who isn’t hanging on back.
Can you afford the new place on your own? If yes, tell him you are taking it and he can figure it out on his own. No more financial support to him. Make it clear if he wants out, he is out 100%. You are not opening up your relationship, or waiting around for 6 months until you can move on. Either he is all in, or he is out. Since you don
t owe each other anything, he can go and find happiness somewhere else. I know this is very harsh, but he is breaking your heart, and you do not have to accept it laying down. You have a right to your feelings as much as he does. He has had time to process this,goodness knows for how long. Ask him if he thinks its fair to surprise this now that you have just agreed to sign a new lease. If you cannot afford it on your own, tell him he has to figure it out since it is idea to break up in the first place.It’s not codependency – he just doesn’t want to pull his weight emotionally or be needed. In which case, he should just break up. An “open relationship” would only serve him in this case, not fix the issues in your relationship.
Idk how the lease process works, but back out if you can.
What I read is a women who’s committed to growth in a monogamous relationship while her partner has stalled in his relationship to avoidant attachment. He’s resorted to gaslighting for what he wants, sex with another women and non-commitment for your future.
These are extreme 🚩
As for next steps, you need to sit him down and talk about what your future looks like and if he sees himself growing with you or apart. His responses will tell you what you need to know.
As for you, fight for the relationship but don’t fight for this story. He’s dragging you down; as a divorced person, at 29 you can rebuild with a man that wants what you want.
He wants an open relationship and you don’t. It sounds like you are not compatible. If my partner suggested this, I would view it as a complete betrayal. Get some therapy to help you get out. He isn’t going to change, and if you don’t agree to an open relationship, he will cheat. If he hasn’t already.
What a gaslighting child. Dump him. He’ll come back. Don’t let him.
Look, there’s a way to have the conversation about opening a relationship and about reflecting on changing needs and values regarding what long term connections look like.
>He says wanting a long-term partner or life partner at all might be a sign of unhealthy attachment
This isn’t it.
Like to call monogamy a sign of ‘unhealthy attachment’ is very obviously absurd.
So it becomes a question of why he is framing it that way. Is it just burnout, so he is taking swipes at you? Or is it manipulation, him attempting to corner you into capitulating.
Because it seems he wants to maintain your life while also having the freedom to go sleep around. He knows you’d never agree to it so instead he seems to be using very emotive and toxic arguments to what seems almost straight up gaslight you into agreeing to what he wants. After all, now if you push back on opening the dynamic you’re ‘unhealthy’ right? And that’s the goal of a lot of manipulation, to distort reality itself to favour them.
It’s clear something changed. Maybe at 4 years and with the idea of a new lease suddenly dawned on him. The concern I have is that whether you agree or not what he said was so gross, so shocking, so painful that he has permanently broken the back of your relationship. He can’t ever take any of this back, part of you now has to worry about him having wandering eyes and whether he’ll stretch this shitty rhetoric to include justifying cheating.
But more than anything you’ve seen how readily he will speak nonsense even knowing it will hurt you. Maybe burnout informs it but it doesn’t change he still said and did all this.
Let him go. This will have you doubting yourself, when he is just the issue.
Tell him if he wants an open relationship, that you aren’t comfortable with that. Tell him if he wants space, that’s fine, but if he wants someone else, that’s not fine. Tell him if he needs 6 months alone, he should take 6 years, and move on with his life.
Tell him you’ve been building a partnership and that partnerships are fundamentally codependent. Tell him this is a good thing that let’s you two join forces against the power of evil and hopefully at least wind up with some kids.
Don’t rely on anyone else to figure things out. They may think they can return to you if things don’t work out for them. Why wait for six months? It’s important to ask yourself that question. Start saving money since you mentioned you are working from home. Moving back home shouldn’t be an issue because you can still work regardless of where you live.
Either he wants sex with someone else, or his emotions and love for you is gone in such a way that this will be the end of the relationship very soon. But as many people who in the end pulls the trigger to end things, it’s hard, rough, sad, emotional with a lot of anxiety. And you live together.
The cuddle and stuff can in theory purely be a way for him to regulate anxiety and other emotions that is on going.
Or he somehow ended up super depressed and questioning basically everything. If so, it may survive if he decided to let it continue while he understand what’s going on and ask for help from a professional.
But in my experience it’s probably more around the fact that he is starting to check out and the emotions are heavy.
This sounds exactly like my ex. I’m so sorry. In my case for whatever reason he was done, and instead of just breaking up with me, he made me the bad guy/tried to open the relationship/called me “controlling” for not wanting an open relationship (after 5 years/buying a house/talking about the future). He blamed me for EVERYTHING/was unable to acknowledge that his feelings his changed and he wanted out. It was a huge hit to my self esteem – the person I thought was “my person” was telling me how awful I was so it must be right, right? WRONG. He was an immature person who couldn’t own his feelings and it was easier for him to blame me for everything rather than acknowledge that his feelings had changed.
Long story short, choose yourself and be strong. You deserve someone who loves you and chooses you, not someone who sees you as an option, especially after that amount of time together. Anyone who needs 6 months of space from you ultimately is using you as a backup plan & you deserve so much better than that. Hugs to you, this is a tough situation.
He’s already cheating
Sounds like he got someone already lined up.
He wants to bang someone else while keeping you as safety.
No, he does not get to unilaterally decide you are opening the relationship. He wants the comfort and security of being with you, without having to experience emotional vulnerability or create true partnership. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it too.
You admit you’re already doing the heavy lifting of keeping this relationship together, and now he’s saying he doesn’t value that and is gaslighting you???? Open relationships are a ton of extra work and must be something both partners really want, and even then it has a high chance of imploding. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Will he respect your no or just go feel resentful and blame his unhappiness on you and then possibly cheat on you anyway.
I’d drop this man like a hot coal. He is balking at the partnership you’ve built because he’s finally realized it’s a stable long-term thing and that is too scary for him. I’ve had such bad experiences with avoidant people and it sounds like he’s not self aware enough to stop his own self-sabotaging behaviours.
He wants to have sex with someone else.
Don’t be a backup plan.
There is no 6 month break for space.
He is either in, or he’s out.
Period.
Girl. He is cheating.
>He says wanting a long-term partner or life partner at all might be a sign of unhealthy attachment and I’m like wtf that’s what we’ve been doing for 4 years. That he resents me saying I feel abandoned during this conversation because “I should be fine on my own” and “we don’t owe each other anything”. That wanting any kind of emotional consistency or connection might be codependent.
Others have touched on the likelihood of him just wanting an out or the best or both worlds, but I want to mention that if he honestly feels this way and isn’t just saying this shit to try and manipulate you, there is something deeply broken within him. That’s the most generous interpretation to be had here, and if he’s thinking this after 4 years & isn’t wanting to put in the work with therapy and the like, you ought to throw in the towel and save yourself.
Once again, I figure it’s likelier that he’s got his eye on someone else and is making shit up, but if he sincerely thinks this and is trying to convince you of it, that’s just as big of a can of worms albeit a different flavor.
Dig deep down inside and find the courage to take a closer look at the line he has already crossed. One thing that may be helpful is living separately, for now, as it may take some time to feel ready to end a 4-year seemingly loving relationship, especially if there are moments of closeness and care.
He wants to back burner you while he fucks around. Don’t let him fool you into believing this is any more complicated than that.
No you dont take a 6 months break. You break up. You are worth more than being someone’s back up plan.
He no longer sees you as his life partner. He wants someone else.
Please don’t open the relationship, end it.
He wants to sleep with someone else but also keep you as a backup, just in case that doesn’t work out.
There’s nothing to work through here.
He doesn’t love you. Not in any real sense, at least. You’re a placeholder to him. A good one, but a placeholder nonetheless.
He wants to gaslight you into giving him permission to cheat.
Don’t play yourself and get involved in this. Get out.
He’s too chicken to say he wants out. He knows he got it good, but he also wants to go sleeping around. It’s really that simple. You’re young enough to move on and build a life with someone who is serious about long term.