This was a very unexpected talk with my dad that turned into a fight and I’m (28M) here to ask if I’m TA. Basically my dad told me he had spoken to the wife of one of his closest friends and she had told him he married for all the wrong reasons the second time and it was a big mistake on his part. He didn’t agree with her and argued with her on the the reasons he married a second time. Then he went to talk to my sister (24F) who didn’t engage but I did.
For context, our mom died when we were 3 and 7. A year later dad was dating again and after 7 months of dating he married his second wife. His intent was to give us another mom because he felt like we needed one and he also felt like he couldn’t do it alone. They divorced 9 years ago but they share custody of their two children so she’s not out of his life. Although they are high conflict.
When my dad came to me he told me about his discussion with his friend’s wife and how he couldn’t get an answer out of my sister. He told me to tell him the wife of his friend had been wrong and he did the right thing, that his decision gave me and my sister a mom again. Instead of that I told him the truth which is that it was a mistake because she was never our mom and we never needed him to be with someone else for that, that he had been enough for us.
He asked me what two young kids would do without a mom and I told him we had a dad. He was still involved in our day to day lives and care so what did he need her for if he didn’t marry her for love? He said he thought we’d loved her and that we’d thrived with a mother’s love. Then he brought up his ex’s anger at him in the latter years and her comments that the three of us never gave a shit about her. He asked me if that’s what she meant and I said probably.
He was saying that wasn’t his fault and he didn’t understand me and the friends wife saying marrying was a mistake. I said he never really loved her and he only married her to give us a mom and that we never accepted her as our new mom. I pointed out how his ex likely felt that and over time grew more discouraged because it wasn’t just me but my sister too. And he was never very affectionate with her either.
Then it turned into a fight with dad saying I disrespected his choices by calling them mistakes and that I disrespected him by not trusting the new mother he had chosen for us. It annoyed me and I told him that. I mentioned how we had a mom and it didn’t look too good in my eyes to act like she could be so easily replaced.
And that’s when we just straight argued about what I said and about his decision and he’s mad that I said it was a mistake. Maybe that’s me putting too many words in his mouth. But it did fail because his ex is not someone I ever regarded as a mother and I have not seen or spoken to her in a decade.
AITA?
Comments
NTA
If he married to “give you a mom.” Shouldn’t you and your sibling had gotten to choose the mom?
Of course NTA. He knows he f’d up and he’s desperately trying to repaint facts so he’s not the bad guy that he is. His heart was in the right place, but his head was directly up his own @$$. And still is, apparently.
Your father knows deep down that his 2nd marriage was a mistake. Your honesty is the best policy. Honest answers to honest questions. Actually your father should be proud that you/your sister that he was enough parent, that a substitute mom was unnecessary.
He didn’t want your opinion. He decided long ago what you have to think, and he’s infallible
Your dad asked for an answer and didn’t like the one you gave him. NTA.
NTA. He asked you a direct question. You answered him. If you’d volunteered this out of nowhere, that would be one thing – but he asked you. So, he’s the one being disrespectful by being angry with you when he didn’t like the answer to his question.
You and your sibling were small children who’d just lost your mother. If he thinks those hurt little versions of you owed him and this woman more than they got – and they got a lot from you if he didn’t know any of this – he’s delusional.
He wanted a clean house and someone to shut his kids up because he couldnt do it alone and wanted a bangmaid.
Your father is a p.o.s. who only wanted a new living fleshlight to nanny you.
N.t.a.
“If you don’t want the answers to hurt you, don’t ask questions like that, Dad”.
NTA
NTA
NTa
“Respect isn’t believing you can make no bad decisions.”
Your dad did this picking out a mom for you kids like he was picking out a shirt to wear. Oh this looks good and this will work. This lady probably after some time figured out he didn’t love her and that’s why the marriage didn’t last. He can’t pick out and “give you a mom”. You kids have a mom. She just isn’t here anymore.
If everyone else involved is unhappy with his decision, how does he manage to keep telling himself he made the right one? NTA.
NTA. It’s probably hard for him to hear that his efforts to replace your mother were a terrible idea.
Truth hurts. You burst his little bubble of a “happy blended family” he now has to face the reality that he was a bad husband and not a great dad
Yeah, stepmoms are pretty useless.
NTA, your dad has a certain mindset due to cultural and generetional beliefs that kids need a mom and a dad instead of parental love that can come from anyone in that role. It overlaps with the fact when a parent dies or an hetero couple divorces, there’s a tendency to replace the missing parent or the one that they try to alienate.
Your dad did what thought was right, but that doesn’t exclude his mindset was partialy mysoginistic, meaning he believed you needed a mom, since women are the ones to take on most the rising kids weight in patriarcal societes. And most women do the same if their husband does when they come from the same mindsets, because they think kids need a dad to provide for them.
The more you try to prove your point, the less your dad will comr around and try to see it, thought.
Tell your dad to not ask questions if he can’t accept the answer. NTA
NTA.
He asked you. You told him the truth. And to rephrase Jack Nicholson, he can’t handle the truth.
Dad knows he is the AH. He never really loved his 2nd wife.
You and sister did nothing wrong. Dad has to learn to accept his choices weren’t the right ones.
NTA
NTA – he asked! You gave him an honest answer. It just wasn’t the answer HE WANTED. He now needs to process those answers. Now will he deal with what he has been told by more than one person.
No, NTA.
To paraphrase Col. Jessup: “HE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!”
Maybe he thought at the time that you and your sister weren’t old enough to have a heart-to-heart on “where do we go from here?” so he decided to navigate the ship with wrongful assumptions. Then, he shot himself in the foot by going with the first available choice and thinking, “HERE’S NEW MOMMY!” To his credit, it was supremely altruistic but ultimately it just led to more misery.
So, let him pout in his corner for a while, OP, you did the right thing by being honest with him. It’s not on you if he can’t deal with it. Hopefully, he’ll come around.
People need to learn not to ask questions when they don’t want to hear the answers.
Just tell him your done. You told him how you feel. It’s no longer up for discussion. If he needs to talk to someone get a therapist. You didn’t tell him anything wrong. Actually I feel you were very insightful especially to the step mothers feelings.
NTA. If not a mistake, then a failure, because his 2 kids never loved the woman he brought in to replace their mother. It sounds like he didn’t like her much then or now but somehow still acts like it was the right decision. He clearly doesn’t want to admit he wasn’t thinking clearly at the time.
NTA. He asked and you answered. He shouldn’t ask a question if he doesn’t want the truth.
NTA-your father asked you a question. You gave him an answer which is not the one he wanted so now he’s mad at you. That’s not your fault. It’s on him. He doesn’t want to accept the responsibility for his own actions and the outcomes. That’s his problem not yours.
Poor woman
Your father is a fucking psycho.
I feel sorry for everyone in this story other than him
NTA NTA NTA
Your dad is one of those foolish single parents who imagined that remarrying is perfect solution to raising kids.
You are correct to voice your thoughts.
Your Father is now twice the fool for getting mad when you replied him truthfully.
Sometimes the truth hurts and your father is just learning that lesson. You are not the jerk in this situation in fact there really are no jerks just a bunch of wounded people that didn’t blend as he had hoped. He was a good dad and that was enough for you and your sister. He doesn’t want to really open up to the fact that he didn’t marry for love.. he married for stability and out of loneliness. That doesn’t hold a marriage together. Your father’s anger will blow over.. sometimes it takes a long time for the truth to sink in.. i wouldn’t worry about it.. you are not at fault here…
NTA
He remarried because he didn’t want to be a single dad. It was about him, not you or your sister.
NTA and I’m sorry I’m sure that abrupt change as a child was really hard on you both. And I feel bad for the ex wife cause I’m sure she wanted to marry for love not a replacement. Your dad is the asshole here for ignoring everyone’s feelings around him and being quite selfish
So let me get this straight…
He was doubting his choice to marry, and he came to you to hear what you think. And then he gets mad at you for answering truthfully?
If he ever asks you anything again, I’d just ask him if he wants to know, or if he wants you to say what you think he wants to hear.
NTA
And poor woman. She was just a bang nanny…
NTA. If he married to ‘give you a mom’ he basically is saying that he could not afford a nanny, but could afford a marriage certificate. It might have (but did not) work out for you kids, but … no wonder the marriage failed, and all in all you kids were worse of: not only the loss of your mother, but also a non-harmonious adult relationship in the house …
NTA
He didn’t actually want to hear your opinion, and he basically stated that from the beginning. He wanted to hear his own opinion come out of your mouth, but unfortunately, the truth doesn’t care about his feelings.
He’ll either come to accept it as the truth or he won’t, and sadly possibly end up bitter and alone, but you telling him the truth doesn’t make that your fault.
NTA
Rather than using the words that he married her to give you a new mum, I’d rephrase to a more tougher truth that he used that poor woman to parent his children because he wasn’t fit for the task.
Nta this sounds like my dad and siblings with my late grandpa. Although it took grandpa 60 years to admit his wife was a total old witch whom everyone hated and that she tried to kill him on his deathbed. He apologised to my dad and his siblings