When we first started dating sex was relatively frequent. Not a specific number but enough to where I didn’t miss it. Now, after 4 years of marriage, I practically have to beg her and even then it’s rare. I’ve tried communicating with her SEVERAL times just trying to understand why, and she says she “hates the questions,” or tells me “all I want ever is sex,” which feels gaslighting. I’ve tried toys and other methods to try and make it more exciting for her and we’ve even tried therapy which helped for a while but she has reverted. I’m not sure what to do. Is it possible that I’m the problem? We currently have sex about once a month maybe but again that’s like with practically begging for that to happen. It just feels pointless and I hate to say it but as someone who cherishes the physicality of a relationship, I’ve started questioning if I should just end it, which I’ve told her, but she doesn’t seem to take it seriously. How can I further continue trying to make things better? Things feel stuck right now and I hate sounding like a victim but I honestly feel neglected.
UPDATE: I should mention we have 3 kids that are 4,2, and 1. Im aware as a stay at home parent they could be a huge source of exhaustion for her. However when I bring up that this could be the issue and bring up suggestions for alone time she denies it and says that this isn’t the problem.
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What are you doing to woo your wife? What kind of non-sexual intimacy do you too have? what kind of time are two spending together? Do you two have kids? What does employment look like for you two?
I don’t think there’s anything you can do. This is an incredibly normal need to have. not only is your wife not interested in it nor does she prioritize or want to communicate about it, She doesn’t even want to have a conversation about how you feel or how it’s affecting you.
Dismissing your feelings and then turning around and saying it’s your fault for this being something that impacts you does feel like gaslighting a lot. Deadbedrooms are bad enough. Being in one with someone who actively shuts down any communication on it is more or less a death sentence unless you’re all right never being desired again.
EDIT: surprised at the comments. Seems a bit unfair to just assume this is all the husbands fault.
I’m wondering what she mentioned during therapy? Was there anything she pinpointed? Also, did you stop therapy? If so, why?
Woman perspective here. Are you holding up your end of the bargain as far as household chores? Are you treating her with kindness and respect? Are you patient with her? Do you do nice things for her, listen to her, etc.? Spend quality time and pay attention to her — attention that is non-sexual in nature?
This has nothing to do with the bedroom.
Oh god don’t beg or pester her about it I’m sorry but it’s the absolute biggest yuck and turn off. Women aren’t all the same- there is no magic fix. But try leaving her alone about it for a month WHILE continuing to romance her, talk to her, share with her. Remind her (and yourself) that you enjoy her for her company, not for what you can use her body for.
Read “Married Man Sex Life Primer” by Athol Kay if you want a step by step guide.
To late.
Wait. Does she no longer enjoy sex or no longer enjoy sex with you? Those are two very different things.
This is why you don’t get married when you’re still kids. Inevitably you grow apart and have issues like this. If you had waited until you had some actual maturity and time to grow past puberty, when your sexual appetites are still forming, you would know that you are not a sexual match for each other. Sexual mismatches never get better. See the deadbedrooms sub for all the proof of that you could ever need.
She has 3 kids in 4 years???
Dude, once a month is a lot to sex with 3 kids.
She is exhausted, her body is tired and still on baby hormones and I bet her mind is overwhelmed with chores and kids and no time for herself or let alone sex.
She’s a SAHM to 3 kids. How old are your kids?
How often does she get time to be someone other than Mom or Wife? Are her emotional needs met? Do you share the emotional and mental load of running a household?
In this thread: everyone just assuming because he’s the husband that he’s a POS and responsible for any issues in the relationship.
People need to give a little bit more grace to be people when they come forward with these issues. It’s not always one gender (or either)in a relationships “fault.” Comments confirm that OP does not seem like a POS. Both men and women are potential sources for incompatibility or issues in a relationship.
You are too young, bro; leave her, cause clearly y’all are no longer sexually compatible, and she’s not willing to work on it but will get mad if you get it from elsewhere and will blame it all on you, and you are the one trying to currently fix things.
Issues –
You begging
Judging by the age I am assuming you have 3 young kids. Thats a killer.
Feeling pressured is also an issue, getting married is not an excuse to lose your game.
Everything you do to woo your wife is simply the bare minimum of a happy relationship, food with a candle and a massage and you think that’s enough to get sex on demand? come on…
Maybe stop begging, then everything nice you do will be seen as doing something nice, right now she probably sees it as you pestering her for sex again.
Sounds like the problem is on her end, and you need some wisdom from other people. Do you talk to friends? Family? What do they say about this woman? Is she a smart and thorough person or is she a moral degenerate?
I have one kid and I can get touched out. I imagine with three she definitely has that problem too. Unwinding after kids are in bed means not being touched by someone because the kids were on you all day.
Here’s a reason that may be affecting your sex life: she is touched out. Three young children are constantly grabbing her, touching her, hugging her, sitting next to her, etc. even though she may like it, it’s still a lot of stimulus for a person. She likely gets very little alone time or time where her body is just her own. So when the kids are sleeping, she probably just doesn’t want to be touched anymore. It’s a big problem for a lot of mothers especially for young children. The kids are finally asleep and then she knows you are now going to be looking to touch her too when she frankly is too overstimulated. So, yeah, she just wants to get it over with so she can go back to having her time of not being touched. Being a mom to three young children makes you feel like your body isn’t your own anymore. Then when she has moments of quiet, she then has to worry about a spouse touching her and feeling obligated there. It happens to so many moms and a lot of it is unconscious because women are told they are supposed to love every moment of being a mother and how could they dare get touched too much by their kids or how dare they want their body to feel like their own again. But the reality is we are all human and can only take so much stimuli and she is probably way past hers. Your wife needs to feel some bodily autonomy. Maybe she needs a long time where sex is actively removed from the table so she knows her body at least gets to be her own when the kids are asleep. Yeah, you may not like this scenario but it’s what many mothers go through.
MD here. That many babies in such a short period, talk to her about going to her doc and having her hormone levels tested. Thyroid, prolactin(especially), sex hormones.
Assuming you are an equal partner and not selfish sexually, and it’s just sex thats the issue, it’s not normal for a woman her age to go from normal libido to almost none.
Firstly, you have 3 really small kids. With ages of 4,2,1 you and your wife are in the THICK of the parental fog and chaos. These are REALLY trying years for even the strongest of marriages.
Having been there myself, here’s what your wife might be feeling and struggling to express:
“I love you and I want to be intimate with you but the exhaustion is so deep in my bones that I ache all the time. By the time I get to the end of the day, I’m all touched out. The thought of having to give more of my already empty bucket sends me into emotional lockdown and I’m paralyzed.
I want you, I want to give you what you need, but I’m drowning, and when you touch or kiss me, I start to panic inside because it isn’t ever JUST a kiss…you will want more and then I have to say no, and now am riddled with guilt. So I shy away from touching you so I don’t accidentally initiate. But I miss you just holding me. Or the incidental touches in the kitchen. Or a kiss that’s just a kiss.
I want you to talk to me during the day, and not just about the kids. Our first conversation shouldn’t be at 8pm and then you initiate sex 30 mins later. I take time to warm up. Woo me all day with a sweet text, a shoulder rub, a hug from behind.
But stay in this marriage with me. I still choose you. I’m just drowning right now.”
I think maybe you might have to put yourself in her shoes for a bit. 3 kids must be so exhausting. Yes you work 9-4 but I can almost guarantee it is not as mentally and physically exhausting as mothering children is. I can understand how she feels as I’ve been in that situation before, I can’t speak for her reasons but I know it was difficult for me to pinpoint why I didn’t want to have sex anymore.
You seem like a clued up guy and you don’t want sex to define your relationship, but it is definitely something that is necessary for a healthy and long relationship. Therapy might not have been effective in helping you get to the bottom of it. But speaking to someone you have loved for 4 years about what is going on and how you can fix it together will definitely make more sense to both of you
Married waaaaaay too young
Every time she has sex she ends up pregnant and gets huge and has to painfully give birth and then deal with the aftermath of her body. Hormones all over the place. Kids hanging off her all day. Then some dude comes home from work and wants to have sex which gor her into this mess in the first place. It’s super not sexy.
She’s given birth to three kids in four years. 27 months of pregnancy, 30 weeks healing from childbirth, and 36 months of postpartum hormones while raising three preschoolers, and you wonder why she doesn’t want sex???
Dude, the fact that you still have energy for sex is why she has none. My partner never sat until I sat during those years (still doesn’t), so the lack of sex wasn’t a problem for either of us because we were BOTH sleep deprived and exhausted.
I know a great Couple’s/Sex Therapist who may be able to help with this. I’d post her info but don’t want to violate “Spam Rule. Feel free to inbox, if you’re interested. Good Luck. Try to be patient and understanding.
For a lot of women post partum it can take a year + for our hormone levels to even out. Especially if she’s had kids back to back (and you mentioned you have 3). Also, breastfeeding can also be a factor if she’s still nursing your 1 year old.
Post partum is such a mind fuck for us women. Something feels off, but we don’t necessarily know what it is, or why. Growing a baby, let alone 3 of them, does a number on our bodies in so many different ways. Our hormones are totally out of whack, we lose such a large part of ourselves in the process in ways no one can understand unless you are in it.
It might not be a you problem specifically, and she might not be able to explain it. I know you have been patient but try and keep in mind what her body has gone through after having 3 kids. Not only physically, but mentally as well.
I know I’m 15 months out from having my first and I still don’t feel right upstairs. I have days where I know I’m absolutely batshit but I can’t help it. It’s gotten better over the couple of months but I still don’t feel 100% like myself.
She’s checked out emotionally and physically, plain and simple. Kids and exhaustion are excuses, but if she won’t even talk about it or try, you’re stuck. Begging for sex isn’t a relationship, it’s desperation. At this point, you either accept the dead bedroom or start planning your exit. No shame in wanting to feel wanted.
These are all good things that you are doing. I think that she also has to feel that you are doing all of that because you love her, and not because you want sex. I’m not saying that you are making it feel that way, but if she is exhausted, and feels the pressure of an underactive sex life, then she might feel that way even if that’s not the vibe you are putting out. I would say have a conversation, talk about what she needs to feel closer to you, sometimes it’s about emotional intimacy and not physical.
Also echoing what others have said – her body has been through the ringer, and it might just take some time and patience.
She said that all you ever want is sex, so why was your solution to try to have sex in different ways?
You shouldn’t have to beg for sex wit your wife.
Stop with this wooing stuff. She should have desire for her husband. Why is it always date, presents, flowers for her but men don’t get that?
You said you tried therapy and she reverted. But working with a therapist is going to be much more helpful than the opinions of people on Reddit who haven’t actually met either of you.
Is it POSSIBLE that you’re the problem? Sure. You say you practically have to beg her to have sex with you— and while you’re probably exaggerating, if you’re ACTUALLY begging to have sex, repeatedly asking and pushing her to have sex when she isn’t interested, then you are actively aiding the destruction of her libido and desire.
Having sex when you don’t want to teaches the mind that sex is a chore. It would make sex something she feels obligated to do to satisfy your desires, not hers. Ignoring your own desires won’t get you aroused, and it might just numb the mind to sex even more.
It doesn’t help that being a woman, sex doesn’t inherently feel good. My genitalia is basically numb when I’m not aroused. Like rubbing my arm kind of insensitive. And penetration can HURT if I’m not aroused. Even rubbing the clit too rough if I’m not aroused can cause pain. But if I am aroused before sex? Well then it’s SEX! And pleasurable. But that’s not what sex feels like when it’s unwanted..
Saying you’re going to end the relationship if she can’t fix her libido?😭 I bet that made it worse too. Because that’s adding even more pressure to have sex, which is likely why sex sucks for her.
If it isn’t obvious, this is some projection from my own bad sexual experiences. Her issues might stem from something different from mine. But let’s say that it IS the PRESSURE to have sex that is largely ruining her libido, then here’s some advice that MIGHT help:
• Ask for sex less. Have romantic or exciting dates. For me, rollercoasters get me excited and more naturally interested in sex. Anything new, adventurous, and interesting (or thrilling) that is enjoyable to me as an individual, and can also be an opportunity to socialize and connect with one another.
• If and when she does show interest in sex: focus on her desires and express interest in pleasuring her. That should be obvious enough lol. Avoid pressuring her to orgasm and avoid pressuring her to make you orgasm. Focus on feeling good and stop when it doesn’t.
• This one is better for her to know: If she has lost connection with herself, then reconnecting with her own identity or finding passions and interests (like art, playing music, pursuing her career), doing things that are healthy and valuable to her (exercise, volunteer work, environmentalism, etc.). Being happy and healthy in yourself is going to help with healing the mind and embracing good sex imo.
Also, it might suck to think you have to focus so much on her needs when you’re the one feeling neglected. But it’s her body that is causing the lack of sex, her body is the one that isn’t getting aroused, so you might think that helping her body feel good would get ya’ll back on the right track.
I don’t believe that sex in a relationship is something someone can fix on their own, because sex is about connection, so therapy just for her, alone, probably wouldn’t cut it.
But there’s still plenty things that she can work on to improve her relationship with sex. Like if she internally pressures herself to keep going with sex when she doesn’t want to because she doesn’t want to disappoint you. Or if she has any myriad of cognitive distortions that cognitive behavioral therapy aims to help people navigate/correct.
(And if you outwardly express disappoint with big sighs or something else if she says no to sex or if she wants to stop sex— that’s counterproductive to her having a good relationship with sex, too).
And of course: please talk with her throughout all this, too, and think about it from her perspective, too, not just your own— because I doubt a woman WANTS to dislike sex and have what can feel like a broken libido. A broken libido can feel like having a broken body/mind and isn’t usually fun… This is very likely a health issue and a biological issue imo (there’s a reason it’s usually the woman who stops enjoying sex as much as men— and it’s not out of spite). Women typically want to love sex, even if many of us have complicated relationships with it…
In the end, of course, if things don’t seem to improve despite your best efforts (it could take time), it would be understandable to end the relationship. Live life in a way that is happy and healthy for you. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship that isn’t working for you. Best wishes 🍀
How often does she get to have an entire day to herself?
She deals with three kids needing shit from her constantly, then you wanting sex.
Find a way to give her a break.
Do you make her finish? Not clear from this post.
The answer to your question is a novel. She is overwhelmed, over stimulated, over tired, over hormonal, over everything! In order to enjoy sex you must be relaxed. I can assure you with three little ones and a husband to take care of there is a ticker tape in her head of things to do which NEVER stops. Plus she probably doesn’t want to get pregnant again. Learn how to give her some decent breaks. Not 15 mins. here or there. Take all the kids to the zoo for the day and book her a spa day. She needs support and right now sex feels like yet another demand on her BODY and her time.
Omg “they could be a source of exhaustion”
YOU THINK BUDDY
She is probably overwhelmed with the kids and doesn’t have a moment to think about herself or even to feel pretty. The last thing she wants is to have to think about you and your sexual needs. Plus, the fear of having another child.
Are you able to give her a day or two a week or month for herself? Time away from the kids? A spa day, a weekend with friends or family? You go to work, where you think about having sex with your wife. Then you come home with your needs and expect her to be ready and willing. While she’s spent all day every day caring for three young children without a moments peace.
I’ve been there. And I wanted what you want, I had one day a week off, and that day, I cared for the kids and she had it off. I definitely needed that day to myself as well, as my work was very demanding. Doing this didn’t change anything, except help me get burned out, I wasn’t a very good caregiver to my children and my wife, and I never talked. So it wasn’t long until she left with the kids and destroyed our family. That was 15 years ago and I’m still damaged from it.
If you can afford it, your wife needs help, hire a nanny. If she has family nearby, they could pitch in. If you can move to be closer to family, that would help.
It’s up to you to do more. She probably doesn’t have time to work, so she relies on you to make her life easier. You need to step up and stop being selfish about needing sex with your wife.
Bro you should have lead with the kids so close in age she needs a break and probably scared you going to get her pregnant again
There is very little in this world less attractive than begging for sex.
That little edit about having 3 kids under 5 that she is the primary caretaker of lmao. Hire a nanny or use your hand.
She uses you to pop out kids and now that’s her life. She doesn’t care about about your relationship. Why you idiots repetitively breed at such a young age without really getting to know someone is beyond me. You made your bed with someone who doesn’t have the same values as you and now you need to lay in it.
Reddit gonna be filled with the excuse army of hormones and kids as a reason not to be intimate with your partner, as if a strained marriage and lack of intimacy is good for anyone in the scenario.
The reality is you married someone young who is selfish and doesn’t prioritize a partnership. How you wind this back is above my pay grade. Men need to be smarter than being sperm donors and financial support systems for women who don’t care about them